For the longest time I've kept my immediate family away from myself.
In retrospect my introversion and quietude as a child bordered on hostile. Most of the time i thought things but never said them. I now wonder if half my memories and excursions with people were all made up in my head while i sat there and said nothing. It's difficult opening up to people because no one ever asks and when they do it's never the right questions.
For a while i thought perhaps i had been autistic without even knowing but without proper diagnosis i am unable to say for sure and i highly doubt it now.
The thing is, while i very much enjoy words and nothing brings me pleasure like listening to my favorite people speak to each other while i pleasantly nod and wait for my turn in order to produce a monologue i had been preparing all the while with the proper pauses almost like i had gone back and done multiple revisions i find it difficult to banter. I am unable to jump from one topic to the next. I cannot for the life of me poetically jump from book commentary to the latest gossip as to why the barista at the local coffee shop wastes so much time talking about tattoos when all you want is your daily dose of caffeine. I must admit that this never really bothered me before. Yes, I comprehend that without dialogue it is not possible to keep relationships or even a simple job. I understand that without having anything interesting to say you will quickly lose friends and resort to whatever internet personas do all day. I've always been seen as the sensitive presence. Most of the time that I am zoning out people will agree that i'm just thinking about important things even though really i'm unable to stop myself from disassociating or even severe daydreaming at times. In fact, most of the time i am just there. However, when i'm alone without the impending life-or-death situations of being responsible for acknowledging the existence of other people there is a sense of liberation. I will go about my day hastily jumping from one task to the next. I am often bewildered by those that cannot bear being in their own company. They will seek any alternative rather than being alone and let me just say that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and while i have felt both these with the same intensity i cannot say that which I am more perplexed by.

Whistling, wandering in the twilight
Closed, forbidden, straining for pure light,
Longing for flight

Dreams that haunt,
Making the present oblong,

Give me flight, give me reign, give me freedom,
but oh so grave,
Equal parts fear, equal parts need,
Strange this devouring new greed.

I walk with my head down, I've outgrown this town,
I know my way around but it's boring now,
I'm snoring now, ignoring clowns that surround me, how
Do I break out, find some glory now,
See the globe, rewrite my story, develop some clout,
Enveloped by doubt...can't seem to figure it out,
Developed my sound, need to deliver a shout, no fuss, gotta row,
This **** bridge fell in the moat,
Forget a paddle,
I'm still building a boat,
Don't doubt though, I'll break out now, might be slow but expect a ******* as I go,
Not gonna linger, stay sharp like iguana fingers,
Depressed and full of stress, my best is yet to come,
Inhibitions, lack of rest keep my ambitions undone,
My dreams have been oppressed, my soul remains repressed,
But instead of being stunted I'll stun, refuse to just regress

Can we be happy,
if we are merely driven by
our goals and ambitions,
but we do not live in the present.

before we elect politicians
they present themselves full of ambitions
when elections are over
they go under cover
and blame others for their demolitions

I'd love to be an eagle, soaring through the sky!  Breathing in the heavens, an ever watchful eye.  Surfing all the currents, wings beating strong and proud  Witnessing a sunrise, high above the clouds.

I'd love to be a dolphin, gliding in the sea.  Jumping over waves, playing gleefully.  Racing with my pod full of life and song, chasing after sunsets to see what lies beyond.

I'd love to be a rabbit, I'd love to be a bear.  I'd love to be an owl with an ever watchful stare.  I'd love to be a monkey, swinging all around. I'd love to be a horse, racing on the ground!

I'd love to be these things and the greatest part of all, is knowing that I will, when asleep I fall