I am sorry that sometimes
when I'm telling you about a movie
I ruin the ending
But for some reason
when I'm with you
I can feel my soul
spilling from my lips - ready
set go & trying to fit forever into a moment;
laughing like everything makes sense
for once -
Souls colliding
I loose all control over reason
cause I am ready to share
my everything (memories::moments::emotions)
with you

I guess this is it.

This is me saying goodbye, after countless days that I’ve been trying to but never seem to actually do it.

It’s quite exhausting actually, to constantly decide whether I should let go of you or not. But I guess this will do. I’ve learned that heartbreaks don’t happen all at once, it happens in small moments and our hearts chip off almost infinitely. And it’s true, these past few days I always find myself at countless forks in the road and I have to make a decision: hold on or let go.

Whenever I smell your scent, I let go of you. Whenever I see a random stranger wearing braces and I’m reminded of your silly smile, I let go of you. Whenever I remember the warmth of your tight hugs, I let go of you. The inevitable and constant struggle to let you go is real – but this will do.

Your cousin actually told me just now that he warned you about this (us) from the start. He told you not to be hasty because you may just be overwhelmed by the feelings you had. I actually have no idea if that bears any truth in them but I hope he’s wrong. I am so sure what we felt wasn’t something “temporary” although it was short-lived. I am so sure it wasn’t a product of something done quickly. I don’t know anymore, to be honest. But I wish to believe him, too, though – so that I’ll no longer have the urge to talk to you. So that I’ll no longer have to pause and convince myself not to click “send” to my Hi. So that I’ll no longer have the urge to check up on you, stalk you on all your social media accounts. So that I’ll just stop.

Hay, I wish it was that easy. I know that it is, but I’m not so sure if this is what I want. See? You made this monster out of me. For as long as I can remember, I was always a woman of my word but right now, I no longer know if I want to stick to my decision to let go. What is it with you? I’m starting to get frustrated because I’ve been in this situation before, and I’ve handled it quite well, actually. But I guess that’s the ugly truth about heartbreaks. No matter how much you think you know about it, no matter how much you’ve prepared – it will catch you off guard. No one in this world knows how to prepare for a potential heartbreak, and I guess that’s both beautiful and scary.

You’re a kid. That’s probably why this didn’t work out. Our emotional maturity levels don’t match and I think your lack of it makes up for how you decided to stop pursuing me. I was ready to risk everything for us – for love, but when we were almost at the finish line, you said, “I can’t do this anymore”. You left me hanging. You of all people did. And that makes you a hypocrite, because you don’t want others to abandon you but you abandoned me.

I guess you’re just going to be another “heartbreak” on my list. Another scar to show off to everyone. Another “Hey, this is the guy I used to love but now he’s just a memory”.

I swear this is the last letter I’m going to write to you. But I know that’s not true.

Well, I guess I’ll continue writing until I no longer have the words and the sentences to make any sense out of this heartbreak.

Goodbye.

It pains me to say this to you because I honestly don’t want it to come from me but I have to. So goodbye.

We were in the brink of something so beautiful but you chose to end it because of something I still find too shallow. It honestly makes me wonder how it will be if we pushed through but the fact that it was so easy for you to let me go made me think that, “I guess it won’t end well if we continue.” Fears will always be present, babe. The key is not to let it get to you but it did, and in a bad way.

I can’t even begin to imagine how our life would be like though, you know, if we continue. And the more days go by, the more I doubt myself if I want this. Well, scratch that. I want this so badly, but I don’t think it will work. I am torn between giving this a shot with all my might and just letting this go because I know in the months to come, the pain will be more unbearable.

Our personalities just don’t mix well with this frustratingly uncontrollable issue. You fear that when you leave me soon, we will be worse than what we are now. That’s why you think it will be easier for you to leave without having any extra baggage, me. My friends called you a coward, but some people just don’t understand. They don’t understand the depth of the situation because simply, they’re not in it. They can say all they want to and anticipate how it’s like being in our places right now but they’re never going to understand the pain and the feelings in between that go with the situation. They just don’t.

We were a perfect match. And I guess because of that, we burnt out. I feel like there’s a huge void inside me and I can’t make any sense out of it, because we were never together but you made such a huge impact. We were, are, and will be nothing but an ALMOST.

But if anything, I want to let you know how much I loved our little infinity capsuled in a span of 1 month. Many great things happened in that short amount of time that never happened in the years I’ve had with anyone else. And I will always be grateful for that. I now know that I deserve a love like that, and more. You showed me how it was to feel special and to be appreciated for who I am, flaws and all. I was the most beautiful girl in your eyes and I hope one day we'll find our way back and give our love another try. I hope that when that day comes, we'll continue our story rather than just leave it with an ellipsis.

I guess I’ll still be here for you though, but in a different way. I’ll always be your cousin’s classmate who made your heart skip a beat at day one. I’ll always be the girl who knows how to make you laugh even when you’re not in the mood and I’ll always be that stubborn “almost” girlfriend who made you feel like you were the best “almost” boyfriend.

Take care of yourself, big guy. Goodbye.

Every restless night, I would stare in admiration at the sky, look up to the stars and wade through the constellations in search of you.
And I would find you there
Alone
Up in space, so far away
Because you were a star
And stars were made to be far away
I wanted so badly to be up there and watch the world with you

But you were a star

A heavenly body I can only hope of reaching
And no matter how hard I try or how high I jump or how far I traverse, I would always fall a million miles short

But I still try

And every restless night, I would look up to you in admiration
Knowing that though I cannot be out there with you, seeing you shine so bright would be enough for me

I was at your door, I almost knock to say sorry.

But you didn't. You let the night pass without us fixing the damage

I almost called you, it took me so much effort not to.

But still you didn't. You let the night pass without us communicating our thoughts.


You see, your "almost" are never enough and as much as you want me to understand that you tried your best, that you almost do, it was never ever a consolation.


*It hurts to know that you almost did but the fact that you didn't is what hurts me the most.

There once was a lingering Almost
That followed you like a ghost.
She's haunted your past
Leaves you downcast
and both lifeless and comatose

She decided to stay for a while
So long that she had a child
His name is Regret
who will make you forget
Exactly how to reconcile

But one day you decide you've had enough
And demand that they pack up their stuff
They were so close to leaving
And almost believing
Until they called your bluff.

How well can you fake a smile ?
Could you beat me at this game ?
Cause I've had years of training,
But I'd gladly pass my crown.

Tired of being tired
And so angry at myself
My heart needs a break, or else
I might let myself drown again

I don't bother anymore
I just fake my happiness
Loneliness replaced my friends
And I don't care anymore...

Two lips
months ago intertwined
after the ball dropped
the kiss seemed merely transient
at least, to the laughter around
the couch hugged us and breathed forever
each new day reminded me of New Year's
three months don't seem too long, after three years
except for when every "now", "serious" and "care" can wink
at me infinity, your words spinning around like
our lips that night, and the next
and the next; now I only
know for certain what I
can see, waiting
like May's
tulips

Grabbed a paper and my soul
Didn't intend to write this queue
Searched the storm deep within
Found the eye, it leads to you.

Stumbled up and around
Scrunched up by that something
Looking around the weary hole
Found it's all for nothing.

Here I am still bound to that
Silly me, I've got it bad
Cursing you unending thunders
For that something — something we've almost had.

It all happened the night I sat on an empty seat on the train. My body was tired, I feel like my eyes would shut down in any minute, I couldn't even say something because my mouth was probably exhausted too (of speaking too much, probably), but one thing is for sure, my mind will never be worn out. My mind will never stop. Funny, I thought, when you are happy and contented about everything in your life, or when your whole self is already numb and can't feel anything whilst without any caution your mind will explode with thoughts and ideas that could either save or destroy you. But my mind isn't exploding at the moment, my mind isn't experiencing any chaos and war inside of it, there was only one thing my mind was telling me, that I just want to be left alone tonight. Maybe that's why I sat on an empty seat on the train.

I wasn't left alone the moment an old woman sat beside me. I was ******, beyond ******, I'm having one of the worst days in my life and all I want right now is to be alone in this world and then one person would sit beside me.

“Tough day, huh?” She asked me. I just smiled and nodded at her, I was too tired to say something, but I wasn't tired to realize how bad I acted. I started feeling guilty of the things rattling around my head.

“It's just a bad day, sweetheart. Not a bad life.” This woman is obviously trying to start a conversation, I hesitated to talk to her at first, but then maybe my mouth would be less tired when I decide to speak again.

“I'm sorry, I'm just, tired.. Tired of everything, I guess.”

“I understand, sweetie. Wait, I know, why don't we just play a game? 20 questions?” Wow, 7 minutes ago I was just asking to be all by myself and now I'm about to play a game with a stranger. Even worse, she will know 20 facts about me.

“Uhm, okay, I guess.”

“Okay, me first. The most cliché question of them all, what's your favourite color?”

“Blue.”

“Ahh, let's proceed to the next one.” And the next ones became even more predictable. Favourite movie, book, food. I felt irritated but at the same time, relieved. She wouldn't know 20 facts about me, I could always lie. However, epiphany hit me when I forgot she has only been asking 19 questions, then the last question erased all my relief.

“And the last question I have before I leave, who is your favourite almost?”

“What? I don't understand.”

“Is it the boy you kissed one sunday night but after that he told you goodbye, and you didn't know he meant it, that's why you started wondering where's the good in that word? Or is it the boy who told you he loved you every single day and suddenly one day he decided not to talk to you ever again like those days never happened? Is it the boy who was the reason you lied when I asked you what was your favourite colour, it wasn't blue, wasn't it? It was the colour of his eyes. Or maybe, it's that someone who looked at you like you were the entire universe but the world decided that being inlove with a universe is a dangerous thing to do, that's why they did everything to part the ways of you two. Now tell me, dear, who is your favourite almost?”

And then suddenly I was awaken. I no longer felt tired, like my body can move again right now. And that my mind is exploding again, I even think it will burst. “I... I don't.. know.”

But who is it, really? It was hard deciding when somebody's lips were the reason why I felt alive sometime in the past, when the words of that somebody were at the same time my disease and my cure, my hurricane and my sunshine, my poison and my antidote. When somebody's eyes became my favourite colour of all time that's why whenever I see things that are green I feel like I'm still at home, and when somebody had the power to make me the universe when I'm just a human being, clearly a dangerous thing, but I would gladly experience the danger to be with that someone again.  

I was about to say something when the doors of the train opened and the woman suddenly stood up, she was about to leave, I guess. She smiled at me and walked away. But one last time, she turned around said these words to me:

“You almost knew, didn't you?”

And just like that, I was left alone on the empty seat on the train.