i don’t know if it’s the noise
or the sweat
or the feeling of hands pressing on my neck
that wakes me up

but there i was, strapped to a hospital bed
pushed into the forbidden oblivion
of all the kind men who punched me in the face
when all i asked for was forgiveness
for not acting as if it was arousing

you’re giving me a big grin
as you lay your scrubs on the floor
and tell me how much i wanted it
but am i really enjoying it
if i wake up looking for your blood under my nails?

as you unzip my jeans
i scream for my mother,
since she’s as good at killing men
as I am at reaching out to murderers

you'll ask yourself why I can't sleep
but please, don't make me sleep ever again
and i'll never look you in the eyes once more
you'll tell yourself I'm just autistic
but the truth is to this day
I'm still afraid of the wrong men

Your words,
They sting.
They float like bees
In the middle of spring.
Around they go,
From head to toe.
Yet I try
To swat them away.
But they stay.

And leave a stain to this very day.

"i love you" you say.

the words get stuck at my throat,
caught between your hands when you squeezed them.

"i'm sorry"

i can still feel the throbbing spots on my face as you kiss me,
where you had left your red and purple signatures.

i'll just wait for you to like me again.

as you beat the drums of my face and body,
i sing and dance to every hit.

"you know i love you, right?"

the same mouth that declares its love for me
is the same one that spits out fire and burns me.

i don't want to argue, so i'll just wait for your love.