Mind wonders all the time
About the curves defined by glowing silk
Soft as clouds and sweet as summer rain
My fantasies loom in my clouded mind
Distracted by lust and desire

Today I am "okay."
"Okay" invokes no questions,
"Okay" raises no brow.

I bare the burden of your mistakes.
Forced into scandal
Reckless actions induced
Best efforts lost
In chemical seduction.

Your weaknesses become my wounds.
Lust swooned to torture
My mouth stitched shut
I'm plucking on the stitches.

I want to shake you;
toss you down the stairs,
slap your face till your eyes open.
Not to hurt you
just to break the spell,
of the pharmaceutical sleeping beauty.
She got ****** into falling in love
with Snow Whites wicked sisters.
Mind askew in egregious hypocrisy.
She's got the frog emerging into a Prince
but the slipper no longer fits.
Mind lost in jealousy and greed;
vanity and self-doubt.
Ate the apple that positioned her thoughts
into thinking zombification is the only answer to this painful life.
Lacking the courage
to face the telling mirror.
She wonders alone, lost.
Falling down the rabbit hole.
Desperately grasping little vials,
"Eat me"
to hide from the truth,
"Eat me"
forget about self-loathing.
If only the vials carried an ounce of courage
the girl could find the moral
of her privileged story.

He was like
the most alluring
& complicated ,
street talking,
sweet rugged man
I had ever seen. A
drifting mess,
and tangled curles.
And all I wanted in life
in that very moment
was to catch his eye
and dance the wolf
I was.. and undo his shirt.
©MaddHatterQueen

The idea that something good was only one magic step away.
The idea that some things never change, and the hope that some do.
The idea that love is hard, but *******, the reward.
The idea that someone's skin can be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and to touch it is the idea of human comfort.
Here's to feelings that we thought were lost, only to be found, and lost again.
Here's to the child-like wonder that come from discovering love for the first time in a long time.
Here's to the idea of believing in the blonde boy more than I've ever believed in anything.
Here's to the idea that it doesn't matter how you get to Sunday, as long as you get there.
The idea that the only thing the soul needs at the end of every day is just to laugh.
The idea that people can sweep you away, just like a hurricane, the prettiest natural disaster ever seen.
Here's to all the secret stolen moments that didn't belong to us in the first place, but we're made ours.
Here's to all the nights where the only thing that mattered is the emotion that overwhelmed us.
Here's to late night car rides filled with music that was everything to us.
Here's to the morning where we weren't fully awake yet, but still found each other's company.
Here's to the idea that love would outlive us all.
Here's to all the moments where anger should've been squashed and hearts should've healed.
Here's to all the harsh words that were never meant.
Here's to waking up and finding a way to fall in love all over again, everyday.
2017 was filled with the regret that kindness and understanding did not prevail over everything.
But how can you really regret a year filled with the idea of love in the air and feet ***** with adventure.

And for 2018, the idea that love comes, and is not required to stay. But we are made of pure Earth with hearts that come from the cosmos, and there are things inside of us that will always outlast time.
The idea of giving your heart, completely recklessly, with no abandon, even if it's only just once. The notion that someone will come and when they do, they can have everything and you will hold nothing back.

2017 was
one of the hardest
years of my life
I started
cutting again
I tried to
**** myself
my depression hit
an all-time low
I was at
rock bottom
and I promised myself
2018 would be
different
it won’t turn out
the same
but three days in
and it’s already
looking the same
if not worse

That is as honest as it gets.

And I'm not talking about all the political BS and how the world becomes more and more broken each day.

I've already put that in a spot in my mind where I don't venture often.

I try not to venture at all really.

Most days, I am awake but not conscious.

I am eating and not filling.

I am composing and not thinking.

Very much has changed about my life and I do know that most of it was my own **** fault. I have been there.

I have one person I wish I could talk to always.
She is close to me and not close in range.

I am sometimes the embodiment of a donut.
Sweet on the outside with no center.
No soul.
Nothing there deep down.

I am sometimes a corpse who hasn't yet realized its full potential.

A bed is no resting place for a lazy student turned zombie.

I know these things.

So why did 2017 make me this way?

Well... it didn't.

A year by itself cannot make you do anything, it only marks the time that I marked day by day in hopes that the next day would be harder to hate the last.

It is a constant reminder that time is the only thing you know when you don't know God.

It is an epitaph to your future saying "I'm sorry I knew the way out and just didn't take it".

It is to shove in your face that sometimes no resolution is the only kind of resolution you really like to hold.

If only for 365 or 366 days you didn't hate yourself for it.

That you are not only lazy, but self loathing and lazy.

I didn't come home from a war or natural disaster, but I came back a changed person.

And as the clock proceeded to march forward to midnight.

I felt nothing.

This was the second year in a row where my family didn't celebrate with another to bring in the new year. No, they went to bed.

Or at least, most of them did.

2017 was 2 parts trauma, and 1 part self concocted pathological fear of everything.

Eleven... out of twelve months... were disastrous.

And I did not even try to make it better.

Lying is not my strong suit.

So I will once again pass with the resolutions nobody tries to keep.

Somethings are supposed to get better.

This may be the first year when my birthday is once again a forgotten 24 hours nobody knew was important until I said so.

So yeah, 2017 was the worst year of my life.

I just hope it wasn't the worst year of my life so far.

The minutes tick down to a new year...
But so many lies and problems I know I'll hear...

So before 2017 ends... There is something I need to say everyone I know...

Despite all the times you may have lied and betrayed to me...
Despite all the times you may have tore me away from my friends and family...
Despite all the times you may have believed your sin would always be hidden
Despite all the times you may have said trust was fore bidden
Despite all the times you may have inflicted damage or harm
Despite all the times you may have accused me of alarm
Despite all the times you may have insulted me and pushed me aside
Despite all the times you may have ignored my words, and allowed my love to go dry
Despite the times you may have yelled and screamed to my face
Despite the anger you may feel towards me, and the bitterness you incase

and lastly... Despite Everything Single Thing You Have Done Wrong...

I Still Love You And Will Always Forgive You...

Despite and Regardless...