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AJ Jun 2019
maybe if you didn’t **** up with me so terribly,
you wouldn’t find yourself drunk crying to my best friend,
saying how you won’t be able to handle hearing a song that makes you think of me.
maybe if you didn’t **** up with me so awfully,
you could have still been holding me in the concert crowd.
AJ May 2016
there are no words, no combination of letters to explain the feeling that sparks through my body when you touch me.

there isn't a way to explain my love for you, to explain the sense of calm that washes over me just when a smile dances onto your lips.

a thousand different novels can be written about your kiss but not one will fully explain how much you mean to me.
is this what love feels like? or am I just pretending?
AJ Aug 2015
maybe burning away your name on paper will burn away the memory of you in my head.
my hair will swallow the smell of smoke as if the thought of you burned away in my brain.
you don't get to break my heart and say that you miss me. that's not how it works.
AJ Jun 2015
I'm sorry I fell too hard.
I'm sorry you refuse to meet me.
I'm sorry all my friends leave me just for another high.
I'm sorry my parents fight all the time.
I'm sorry I can't say no, but the one time I do, it's disobeyed and thrown back into my face.
I'm sorry I didn't like him because I was concerned for your safety.
I'm sorry you're too stubborn to realize that.
I'm sorry I'm too stubborn to let go.
I'm sorry I was always there for you when you weren't there for me.
I'm sorry I keep disappointing everyone I meet.
I'm sorry no one understands that I can't be alone anymore.
I'm just so **** sorry.
the last few days really ******
AJ May 2016
I used to think I was temporary.
in people's lives, in relationships, in everything.
I used to think I was as temporary as the flowers who only stay on the trees for a couple of weeks- beautiful, but only for a second.
beautiful & loved, but only until I fell apart, fell down.
I'm blooming again, but I don't want to be temporary.
I want what I become after the beauty passes to be as loved as it was before.
I can't do temporary anymore.
I need permanent.
I don't write as well anymore as I did when I was sad. I don't write as much anymore as when I was sad. I don't think I opened a notebook to write in in months.
I've been happy lately. and when I'm happy, I found I don't need to write about it. I like to live in the moment. I take more pictures when I'm happy. when I'm sad, I write.
I wrote this after 5 months with my boyfriend. after realizing that as of right now, we're not temporary in each other's lives, like my usual relationships. we love each other so much that the thought of being temporary is terrifying.
(tiny update there)
AJ Feb 2018
i’m sorry you put ten years into something you’re incredibly good at only to be bullied and discriminated and thrown away for something you couldn’t control.
this is less of a poem and more of a rant. someone i love lost their job because they got incredibly sick and had to use up all of their sick time, and apparently they didn’t like that at work. it was right after they hit the 10 year mark of working there, too. this person is too old to continue looking for another job to keep their family supported and healthy and happy. but they have an interview on thursday (when they JUST put the application in on the 31st. it was such a quick reply, we were so happy!!!) they’re gonna get this job & we’ll be okay. everything always ends up being okay.
AJ May 2019
each time he kisses me he kisses me like he’ll never see me again / each time you kissed me you kissed me like you wanted to never see me again
the difference between you and him
AJ Nov 2018
you tell everyone you are fine.
you are taking your meds.
you are smiling and laughing
you are agreeing to *** because sometimes it’s painful and you can’t hurt yourself anymore.
you are saying “have a wonderful day” with a smile while you work.
but the nighttime hits,
and you’re in bed numb.
maybe you decide to take an extra sleeping pill to knock you out,
but instead it just makes you high,
and you’re okay with that.
you try to tell someone that you are not okay.
they don’t seem to care. they don’t want to help.
your dog ends up coming into your room,
and you use her fur as a tissue to soak up all the tears that fall.
you whisper between sobs,
“i am not enough”
“i am not enough for him”
“i am nothing”
“i don’t want to be here”
“i don’t want to be here”
“i don’t want to be here”
she just puts her head down and doesn’t seem to care either.
you have nothing.
you have nobody.
would another cut really matter?
would killing yourself really matter?
you’ll put that smile back on your face the next day.
AJ Jan 2015
me? capable of holding on? please.
I let go before it reaches two months.
I run away before I could ever possibly love someone as much as they could love me.
I used to think it was so easy for me to love,
but no.
it's not.
I will chase you.
chew you up.
make you think I'm head over heels for you,
kiss you until you're addicted,
then I'll spit you out,
heartbroken and confused.
I'm toxic and worthless.
I'm scared.
this is why I spend my days ******* around,
and I haven't even lost my virginity.
I'm toxic and worthless.
stay away from me, won't you?
because it may seem like they're the ones who hurt me,
but that's far from the truth.
I'm the ones who hurt them.
get out
AJ Mar 2015
Bury the blame in your chest and twist it,
do that for me friend, we’ll call it even.
I’m flattered that you came for me,
but if I could, I would have cut your throat with dolphin teeth.
You want to show me around like a prize,
it made me sick
so in seven weeks I’ll die
This isn't mine-lyrics from my current favorite song (Twist-Souvenirs) and what I'm relating to.
AJ Jan 2018
i took pictures of everything i found pretty and maybe that’s why i had a million photos of you but there was never one of me
AJ Jun 2019
i stopped writing because i didn't need to when you were my paper and my lips were the pen
AJ Oct 2019
now i know why you drank so much during your lifetime.
i know why you were so angry when you were drunk,
the truth always comes out when a person isn’t sober.
i know why i had to grow up being terrified,
why i had to hide when the alcohol was coursing through your veins,  
and why i lost so much sleep wondering if you’d even come home from bar.
you’re such an amazing person,
and sometimes i wish you never met her so you could have lived your life to your full potential.
i know you love me to death,
that i am your daughter and you regret how scared you made me,
but i wish you never met her.
i wish you didn’t marry her and have children with her.
i wish i wasn’t born,
because if i wasn’t,
you’d be where you want in life.
not laying in bed at 5am being screamed at and scared to lose everything you’ve earned in life.
i know why you drank,
because why wouldn’t you when dealing with someone else’s addiction?
AJ Jun 2015
your body is my coffin
and I wouldn't mind being buried six feet under
AJ Dec 2016
i'll love you until the universe decides i shouldn't
do you believe in forever?
AJ Oct 2019
please do not touch me like you touched her.
i am not her, but i think you knew that already.
you just refuse to admit it,
instead tracing your fingers down my back as if the curves of my body were the same as hers.
your hand will not fit in mine like how hers fit yours.
please do not touch me like you touched her.
i am someone else.
you can’t pretend to hide your longing for her by trying to find relief in me.
AJ Jun 2019
i always found it easiest to scream my feelings out on paper, but now i find it easier just to have me scream them when you're on top of me.
AJ Jun 2019
i wake up sad often
in the middle of the night when the entire house is quiet
with nothing or no one to tell it to
i wake up sad often
my chest aching and my mind screaming
and not one thing to help me soothe the thoughts
i wake up sad often
and i just want you to hold me again
AJ Feb 2017
I will chain smoke cigarettes until I can't breathe, cry until I pass out, or **** until I'm bruised, but I will never again take a blade to my skin.
it's been 4 years since i first cut, and maybe only a few months since i bled, but my body does not deserve another mark unless it's a hickey.
AJ May 2017
i smoked a cigarette in my car today,
and every inhale reminded me of how much it hurts to stop kissing you,
like the crave of nicotine when it reaches the end.
AJ Nov 2014
Can't you tell that my mind is just messier and messier with thoughts of you? And I crave the blade and I crave the smoke but most of all I crave your touch. I fear you crave her touch again. I fear you the recklessness she poured into you. I fear I'll lose you to her. I've already lost myself to these thoughts.
AJ Oct 2016
you know that feeling when you find new music & you absolutely fall in love with it?
or maybe that excited feeling while waiting in line before a concert?
how every part of your body just fills up with this adrenaline,
sparks that make you not be able to stand still,
a feeling that you never want to stop feeling.
that's exactly what it feels like to love you, to be in love with you.
that feeling, all the time. & I don't want it to go away.
i'm complete **** at writing now, but that's okay.
AJ Sep 2018
overthinking, overwhelmed, under appreciated

if you love someone you’re supposed to notice them
telling her that she’s beautiful more often doesn’t lose its meaning,
the lack of telling her, makes her feel meaningless
saying that you will feel like it will sound forced makes me feel meaningless
if you think it all the time, why the **** would it lose its meaning?
i am not beautiful
i am not enough
and i will never be enough
‘cause you pay more attention to them,
when i’m in bed crying myself to sleep over and over and over and over again
you’ll drop everything for someone you’ve only known for a month when they’re not okay,
but you won’t bother to drop everything for me
you’re supposed to be there for me
you’re supposed to help me
you’re supposed to ******* be there

i can’t find the strength to fight for people to stay
august 16
5am
it’s been a bad month
AJ Jul 2015
you told me you loved me the best  when I was at my most vulnerable stage,
so I put you between my thighs,
and let you love me as hard as you could.
AJ Feb 2021
it’s starting to be just you.

i’m not so tired anymore.
AJ Jun 2019
my favorite thing in the world is when you jump into the cool lake on a hot day. it's mid July, the sun is burning your skin, and you're sweating in your swimsuit. you've been waiting all day to get to the water, to feel the coldness envelope you in a shocking iciness. you jump, and suddenly you're surrounded by blue. your eyes are closed, but you can still see the sun above the surface. you're only under for a few seconds, but the jacket of cold water washing away the summer sweat makes it feel like you're under for hours. when you resurface, the summer heat is nothing. that's what it felt like to kiss you for the first time.
AJ Feb 2016
February  12 2016
loving someone can fill your stomach with killer bees,
have your fragile little heart be held by someone else ,
and tear the walls down you thought would never fall.

but loving someone can also replace those bees with gentle butterflies;
the slight flutter it does when he smiles at you.
it can make you trust enough to have him hold your heart in his calloused hands;
trust him enough to not crush it into a million little pieces.
it can make you take the hammer that you usually took to your skin, and knock down the walls you surrounded yourself with;
tear them down enough to let him look at even the darkest parts of your soul.

love can teach you that even if you hate every inch of yourself,
he will find beauty in every flaw.
he will kiss the self hate away,
squeeze you hard enough that every broken piece of you will slowly come back together.

love teaches you that it doesn't even matter what you look like naked,
the only thing that matters is tearing each other's clothes off and losing yourselves in each touch,
each scratch,
each kiss.

it will teach you to be okay with crying in front of another person;
your pillow doesn't have to be the only thing that listens to you when your demons come out to play at 3am.

*love can teach you that everything you hated about yourself,
could somehow be loved by another.
I thought I had to love myself before I loved another.
but I was wrong.
I was so ******* wrong.
(cheesy Valentine's Day weekend poem?)
((also my titles are the most random things))
AJ Jun 2015
who knew turning seventeen meant losing another best friend to drugs.

who knew another birthday meant losing another best friend just because finding the next high was more important that I ever was.

who knew the older I get the more people leave me without saying goodbye.
is getting high really more important than me? that even when we all said no, you went to go get ****** in my driveway when I needed you most? you told me you would never do what she did last year, leave me because of drugs. but look at what has happened. I hope your high was worth it.
AJ Feb 2016
January 31-February 10 2016
*because they're all the same ******* thing in the end.
I have writers block
AJ Jan 2016
(January 30 2016)
"should we blame it on the mental illness or the addiction?"
*you have to be a little messed up in the head to fall into addiction.
so it's okay to blame both.
my mom left
AJ Apr 2015
I eventually cried out and made you notice me again.
people have a tendency to leave me with telling me so. so I called them out on it without actually saying names, and some came running back.
and I questioned whether they were desperate, I was desperate, or I was actually worth it and they were missing out.
AJ Jul 2015
she was someone you didn't want to stop looking at.
you had to pay attention to her, or you would feel like you were missing something.
you payed attention to how she read a ragged old novel with a title you never heard of,
how she gripped it so hard, her fingers turned white that you almost couldn't see the tattered cuticles that surrounded the black nail polish of her nails.
how she held a cigarette delicately, taking in long drags as she lifts it to her mouth.
how when she was outside, the sun changed her hair color so much you couldn't even tell what it really is.
you payed attention to her smile, her laugh, her eyes as they met yours, crinkling as you tell her something funny.
you payed attention to how her hand felt in yours,
a tight grip as if she never wanted to let go, forever wanting to be yours,
but her hand always let go,
and when your hand was empty,
you realized she never was yours to begin with.
but you never wanted to stop looking at her.
or you're a serial killer
AJ Jan 2015
They say a semicolon is used by an author
when they could’ve ended a sentence,
but chose not to.
In a way, we’re all authors,
writing our stories out as the days go on and on,
as they fade from as golden as a crown,
to as dark as a melanistic fawn.
You see, I’m the author of my life.
I had the choice to force a period to the end of a few sentences
as my short life moved forward on countless occasions,
to stop the clock from ticking,
the heart from beating,
but no.
Because my story is far from done.
I will forever keep adding semicolons until my pen runs out of ink,
or until I can’t find the courage to keep on writing.
I have more fights to keep fighting,
mountains to keep climbing,
a million lies to tell, and a million sorry’s to
bandage the hurt,
a thousand kisses to receive from strangers
and family and friends alike
until the word “suicide”
is nothing but a fading page in my life story.
And if I ever want to add a period,
such as when I’m when I’m feeling as blue
as the eyes of the boy who shattered my heart into pieces,
I’ll remember the semicolon,
and how my short little story doesn’t need to end just yet,
now does it?
cheesy semicolon poem for english, *******
it's the draft version, cause it's too long and missing a lot of pieces needed but hey oh well
AJ Dec 2014
You fell for the worst possible girl you could ever fall for.
You fell for the girl who feels annoying in every situation, no matter what she is told.
You fell for the girl who wings her eyeliner so sharply you can't imagine her without it, but **** you want to.
You fell for the girl who teases you so terribly you're left breathless, no matter if you're inches from your cell phone screen or inches from her lips.
You fell for the girl who reuses cigarette packs, not only because she's underage and steals them, but because she feels naked without the beat up pack she's always owned.
You fell for the girl who digests the silly pop punk songs she listens to and rants about them until all she can think about is the Neck Deep lyric "I always pictured myself as being someone you'd miss."
You fell for the girl who refuses to meet you in the eyes because she sees the universe while she's not even the world.
How could you have fallen for her?
You shouldn't have fallen for me, I don't believe in love
AJ May 2019
i want to be called beautiful again,
a word that sneaks its way into a sentence you say to me,
something you don’t realize that you’re doing.
i want to be called beautiful again,
and i want it to always mean something,
not lose its meaning if it’s said too much.
i want to be called beautiful again,
so much so that i start to believe it.
AJ Jan 2015
Sorry you hate me so much.
Sorry I can't help but throw words of advice at you,
but you are so sad,
and you had brought me down in the months I've known you,
and it's such a habit to bring you back up instead of bringing myself up.

Sorry she tore your heart out of your chest,
and you can't help but keep ripping up the pieces,
but don't you see she's not even remotely close to being "worth it"?

Sorry I made you talk to me again,
after I told you stop,
but you made the promise that you wouldn't leave,
although how many times has that promise been made?

Sorry I want to find you,
and scream at you to make you understand
that no girl will ever understand you,
like I understood you,
when I stayed all night with you the night I came home after a long trip,
and all we did was talk about the stars,
and I saved your life for what seemed like the millionth time.

But I'm even more sorry for not even wanting you,
and for you not wanting me,
and for you being blinder than ever,
because you depend on others to be your happiness,
and aren't you aware that's the most self destructive thing you can put on yourself?

— The End —