When you love someone who is not there
Your mind will learn to create
Draw images of how everything should be
Erase ones that depict how it actually is
Eventually you will forget what is real
And what is make believe
You will convince yourself
That you are not forgotten
And that even though you haven't heard from him in days
He still thinks of you
You will tell yourself
That you are still wanted
Regardless of the fact that you barely want anything to do with yourself
You will somehow believe that someone else does
He will not tell you though
You have to remind yourself that he is too busy
Too involved even for a hello
You will have to remember
That his life never intended on having you be part of it
And that you
Will probably never be a part of it
You will constantly be reminded of every time you were promised future
And your wanting for it will become unbearable
You will lay awake at night like you always do
This time tasting of more than just alcohol and regret
You will swallow your own tongue wondering why fate never seems to be on your side
Thinking maybe you were never meant to love in the first place
That meeting him was a mistake
You should have known better anyway
To fall for a guy
With a heart already occupied
You know all too well
That there is not enough room in one for two
And you are the tenant with the most vacant body
Stop trying to fill yourself with things that don't exist
You will need to recall
Every single time you have built yourself up
Your expectations piling above you
Never anticipating the crash
You always seem to be staring blank eyed
When everything around you crumbles into disaster
You learn to pick up the pieces
And glue them into something decent enough to look at
Your mind is still painting pictures
On a canvas that will most likely never be tangible
And you will be reminded of it when you're laying in bed
And your hands grab for someone who is not there
When you love someone who is not there
You will spend every second of the day
Searching for them in crowded rooms
When in reality
You know
They weren't there to begin with
And they probably
Never will be.

I never told my mother about you
I knew it would be ******* her
And even harder on me
So I just never told her

But sometimes I would feel sad
Because something reminded me of you
And I would get up and go to the bathroom
Because I couldn't cry in front of her

She has no idea the hurt I was in
She has no idea the pain I endured
She has no idea what I had so
She has no idea what I lost

But a song will come on
While we are riding in the car
And my eyes start tearing up
And I can't tell her why
And she feels so bad she starts to cry

I've given so many excuses
Allergies, the wind, an eyelash
And even though she doesn't believe me she doesn't pressure
Because she understands the truth must be too painful for her ears
{bcg}

~

Pain
    Might lessen
         Over
              time

But
       The memories
            Never
                 Fade

~

one day you held my hands,
the next day you fist bumped me.

I know you left and that was your choice
but may I just ask, do you still hear my voice?
When you read all my poems through
is it my voice reading them to you?
Are my words in your head
or to you are my words dead?

I wanna be your medicine
               To take away your pain
         I need you to take me regularly
To be swallowed whole by you
                              Daily
                  I want you to feel
  That you'd die without me
          And never leaving my side is
     Necessary

          I wanna be your cigarettes
                          To burn for you
     I want you addicted to me
In your mouth constantly
                   I want you to inhale me.
         Every time you
                     Breathe

         I wanna be your music
                     Your drugs
   Your heart and soul
           Your liver and your lungs
I want you to NEED me
             I need to feel that feeling
   The feeling that I'm
                Not just something
                            But everything



Because,
For far too long,
I've felt like nothing.