for the day that i go
beyond the grave
please know
these words that i say:
i'm happy here
it's what i've always craved.
spaces to fill unseen
without meeting any stares.
no longer losing hope
or places to be
ending endless penance
for straying from god's will.

the fault lives with none
except with me,
who did nothing of use
but hurt everyone i see.
- - -
so when i leave you
within my wake
my departed soul
wants this for you to take:
this was my song
sung by swans
singing the words
of my deepest love
before i return again
but as a mourning dove.
remember now
my unbeating heart
rests finally full
in a world revealed
only to those who look.
- - -
go in grace
and live life freely
when you call my name
find me perched upon
the nearest tree
watching over lovingly
and being proud of you daily
from the moment you rise
and smell the air
to the close of dusk
as you go up the stairs

wherever you meet me
just as you are
i'll be happy to share
with you the moment
and show you i care.
- - -
yes i've left
before i'm old
but the bell waits for no one
and continues to toll

so i bid you adieu
and have given you the words
to know and to remember
you can find me among the birds.

it's over,
it's done
there's nothing left
to be won
there's nothing left
to say
to make anything
okay.

some problems need a permanent solution.
a permanent solution to a permanent problem
and that's all it's been

lost my way
somewhere along the way
when i met you

you wanted to follow me
i tried to stop you
i shouldve stopped you.

maybe its a union
for you to be humbled.

whatever it is,

it's over,
it's done.
there's nothing left.
to be won.

leave only healing within your wake
like a trail of wildflowers and stardust
twinkling and blooming upon the ground
that meets your gentle tread

blue bonnet flames in a sea of scorched terrain
the sun felt extra harsh as it touched my skin today
and my thoughts feel quite unsettling
not knowing what's true from my imagining
from where do i learn the art of trance?
i'm all ears, trust me. i'm listening

where lies the magic?
masquerading around like a poetess
dancing in the face of tragic mishaps
misshapen by extraterrestrial beckons
away from the melancholy of
rain-soaked trails

reconciling. constant. duress.
letting go of lunar divinations of one
and all perturbations using what comes
from the air unseen;
like the supposed
facets of my birthstone:
the clear blue aquamarine

Poison is a woman's weapon-
venomous like a snake.

It won't **** you
all at once
like the brute force of his hands.
Instead, it takes you slowly-
deteriorating your sense of self
making you wish for death.
Death that brings end to dying.

she has no moral qualms
when it comes to you and all your wrongs.
she only knows betrayal
and that's enough for her.

birthed into a golden birdcage
safe behind upstanding spindles
endless nectars and suet at your beckon
knowing only the showcase of your plumage
and the sound of your tunes

layers remain
between you and the grackles
painted a nuisance
yet they stay unshackled
only poisoned and disregarded.

still they know the freedoms
not found atop
swings and perches
dig deeper
until you find what lurches.

the gate can be opened
when you realize yourself
to be the gatekeeper
yielding what's mine
using wings of more than feathers
making up for lost time.

looking back at the captivity
you couldn't see from inside.
entering a new world
with the grackle as my guide.

It
    changes
                   colors
                               but
                           it
                   may
                            as
               well
                        be
           what
         it
      is.

trapped by failings of a guardian
protective duty check-marked

how can i make a meal
so full of comfort
to fill my insides
with a sense of belonging
like a warm genuine embrace
trustingly exclaiming
you belong here

what ingredients does it take
to feel at home of an elder
compassionately caring
for you
providing you warm shelter
from the storm outside

I'm wide awake and I just--
don't want to be.
Laying aside a mount of realizations
surreal under the night sky

I don't know what to believe
I really don't and--
if I don't think this way
then what's there to even
think?

What will they think of me and
who will I become if I don't think
what I do.
What then will be my problem and
what will I need to doubt?

It's insane--
and I'm going insane
knowing it'll all go in vain.

oh i wish you could see her
day dreaming under
crystal sky blue weaving
ether with the earth through
day and through night
fighting only with the waking moment
should it ever change
from drab old dragging
around one after another;
much like a flower
growing through cracks
not coveting the colors it lacks
knowing all roots lie dark cold beneath
it all there lives another world
not for the sight
not for the righteous
where the only thing you can see
is the slither of nightshade forests
and there, my dear friend-
lives everyone you’ve ever known.

she was once a mourning dove
enraged by the lack of love
present all around her
so she retreated back inwards
to find a little peace somewhere
but alas, she couldn't even find it there.

There it lays,
my tear soaked
pillow case.

In clouds unseen
where they visit me
every night since thirteen

What am I to do
with no avenue to pursue
when they deny my inhibitions
and tell them they're forgiven?

I see what I can't change and
I can't change what I see

I want to want their vision
of tender, loving, harmony
but it feels like swallowing poison
treating my actions remorsefully.

I take each day
one at a time
unyielding to divulge
what comes to me as I lay
every night
on my tear soaked pillow case.

headlights glow in the
dark foggy night
stating their
passing presence
on the street

i'm listening to
melodies of my past
on the radio
and they remind
me of all
the tragedies
i've amassed.

ones that play
in every nightmare
and it's quite rare
for them to be
content with just
being there.

they have to
make me relive
all the horrors
i've moved beyond
to make sure i can
enjoy no reprieve

i wish my
nightly drives
could just
be therapeutic
instead of
being reprisals
of all that makes me
psychotic