my dear
I love you
what else is there to possibly say
you don’t need it and I can’t give it
and so I bleed
you flourish
all is right in the world
and I have my love to thank

When you fall in love for the first time
You won’t even know it’s happening
The dancing streets, heels against cobblestones
The glow of the lampposts
Things you wouldn’t even whisper
You are now ready to exclaim
The whole world is spinning and yet
It is perfectly still
In this great, big universe
It is just two sets of eyes
And the landmarks we created

The park benches where we were honest for the first time
Where you made sure i was okay before we got up
The truth can do that to you -
Knock the wind out of your sails

Or the first time we touched each other on purpose
I linked your arm with mine
And i could feel the stars burning above us
And the moon sneaking a glance
As we ‘forgot’ all about it
And you walked me home

The first time i went to that pizza place
I only joined you because we had things to discuss
Not for your company, why of course not
With every laugh
It became harder to think of a reason that i hated you in the first place

I thought only  i experienced the clock ticking slower
Every second you weren’t with me
But the calls and the texts
And the exasperated “where were you”s put that all to rest

So i made the leap
And served my heart on a silver platter
Full, beating and red
And i watched you watch it beat blue and gasp

But  now time doesn’t seem to pass at all when we’re together
And everytime we’re alone we wait for someone to join us;
our desperate eyes search, pleading with anyone to end our suffering
I watch you when i used to run to you
And i miss you when i see you every single day

I love you
But i can’t do this anymore
We can’t even pretend to be friends properly
I remember what you said
Believe me, every word
But I felt us that night
We saw each other for the first time
I don’t think I’ve ever had that with anyone
And despite what you say
I don’t think you have either

Strangers think we’re in love
Your friends and my friends
Steal glances every time we look at each other
We weren’t alone
It felt like it was just us
But everyone got to witness
The way we were
I didn’t stop smiling for three months

I miss you
I miss your honesty
I was trying to break down a wall
And you threw open the gates
Now i can’t even see the wall anymore

I’m on the outside looking in
Losing what we had was hard enough
I wasn’t prepared to lose you as a friend
I don’t think i’ll ever be
but we haven’t been friends for ages
So who are we kidding
I knew this didn’t need a dramatic close
You don’t need me to take a bow

So I was ready to watch you from afar
Having you in my rearview was better than not having you at all
But just as I take my first breaths
You hook yourself on
And I have to learn all over again

I refuse to do this anymore
We are not friends
You didn’t have to admit anything because i wasn’t prepared to lose you
But it’s time
For this ship to sail
You are losing me.

The deafening overwhelm of nothing
When the credits fade
Or the note hits its final crescendo
The “thank you for watching”
soundwaves enter your eardrums
Your surroundings stare back, begging you to pay attention
The clothes piles
The ***** dishes
Dust on shelves and countertops
Everywhere is clutter
Walking is a landmine
Suddenly it hits:
You can’t tell the difference between now and five days ago
You know that something aches
Maybe the chemical imbalance, maybe the loss of an old friend
It could even be everything
But it’s definitely something
I can feel it every time I wake up and I smother myself back to sleep
sometimes I won't even let myself use the bathroom
But there’s plans in the diary
And an exciting life laying the footpath ahead of me
And yet
The silence blasts in my ears
And sores my eyes
Hollowing me inside
I’ve always been like this
I just don’t know if I have it in me
To roll up my sleeves
And try again.

Only in complete solitude
Does it rear its ugly head
It thrives in the environment of the loving
heart on the sleeve ready to be yours before you even ask
No part of them is really theirs
It's in a temporary holding awaiting their retrieval
But then
The footsteps tickling possibility
The whispers never have a chance to kiss the raindrops
Because furrowed brows relax
And the growls blossom into a wonderful laughter
the kind of laugh that used to house your peace
Has now been transferred to a prison that you can never seem to reach
A route only he knows
The map in ink that his eyes can see when the evil subsides
but it won't
So the map remains a paper
and the laugh becomes the grounding feeling of fear
the fear houses you long after he's gone
in search for fear you hunt the prison
but she's being ravaged by the maggots in the soil
as the hunt continues for something you don't even know the name of
The walls reach the heights of the heavens
But there is only more room to grow.

So close
so far
A maybe
Those sunlit oceans
He dares to call eyes
Looked into mine
All the time
Or perhaps because there wasn’t a day we didn’t talk
Even if there wasn't anything to say
For me, there was always so much
Or when we didn’t we hated each other
Or that the notion that i hated myself was so ******* unfathomable
Or the teasing
And the incessant laughter
Or when he was so close
If i breathed the wrong way i could’ve kissed him
And if i close my eyes a little too long
It happens all the time
Or how he never forgot anything i told him
Or how it was impossible to not smile
Even during that time
But it was probably because I wanted him to be mine
So ****** badly
When he was married
And she was pregnant
And none of those things mattered
Because every ******* time i was with him
I felt like i was on drugs
The sun shone brighter
And life was better
Even though alone I was trying to find the quickest way to die
I love him
I can’t look at anything from that time the same anymore
Even though we met eight years ago
And i haven't seen him in four
But there wasn’t a day where i didn’t think i might
At the mall
On the street
In the shops
In his city where he doesn’t even ******* live in anymore
When i'm walking
When i'm running
Dear God when will I be free
It’s an almost
I’m so close
I can't feel the same for anyone else
But at least i don't think about him everyday
I'll never be the person i was
But at least i’m not sobbing on the floor
Screaming in pain because he isn’t mine
I’m almost there

i haven't left the house

i havent

i haven't left the house for fun in a long time

what is fun?

i could look up the meaning of the word and yet

still not seem to understand it

my heart has dropped in my stomach

a bag of acid

and sunk

and with the movement of swishing enzymes

it has twisted and churned

and poured out any emotion i had left

what's the difference between happy and sad?

sad and angry?

they are all the same to me

at the end of a smile

of a roar

of a tear

my little emotionless heart

is lonely in a bag of acid

and enzymes are twisting and churning

all with efficiency

and my little heart

is just there

for the waves

i am so lonely

but every conversation i have

with anyone but my family

is an inner battle

i will start and end every conversation

my mind drives at 150 miles per hour

and nothing less

and the sound of its roaring engine centres in my head

and lingers in my ears

and even when the conversation end

my mind will continue to echo its roars

for years

i promised myself i wouldn't do this

lock myself inside me

and lose the key

i promised myself i wouldn't do this

throw my body like ****

and expect it not to fight back

i promised myself

i would be happy

2017 has already ****** me up

as it came in

UGHhHuhughuHGughughughugh

i don't even know how to ******* write anymore

something i used to have guarded deep underneath my flesh

blanketed in tissue

laying on bones

has thrown off the covers and is racing in blood

and has just flowed out

with every little slice i make

who knows this

me and me

i used to think i could be a writer

read comments and smile

i used to think i was something

for a whole minute

but my big old mind

slapped me right back into shape

and helped me understand

all of my little hopes were dead

i watched slam poems

read sonnets

who am i kidding

i haven't had a split second for me

so much so I'm mixing science

with poetry

i shut my eyes and see 4 quadrants

and the negative and positive number lines

engraving with a tickle beneath my hair

i see the alimentary canal, the small intestines

forming a headband of flowers around my head

i see atoms bouncing around my limbs

accompanied with hundreds of shells

i see cations and anions

and every thing has to be done

so many things to be done

that i can't sleep

and i wake up late

and the day is half gone

**** what a waste

i will beat myself for the entire day for the hour i spent shut eye's distance away from books

all i can think about is time

and as i write this i glance at my clock every second

1:06 and no one will read this but me

422 words and nobody cares

ill just go through this alone

just like every other rough patch I've ever had

because i push everyone out

and wonder why no one cares

my eyes droop with every little tap on my keyboard

why am i alive

i know so many people who deserve lives

and my name is south of that list

cross my heart and i hope to die

they really weren't telling a lie.

Get away from me
I can feel every bond in my body
Fall apart
so get away from me
get as ******* far as possible
because apparently 2916 miles isn't enough
maybe a distance like that doesn't exist -
the one where I don't want you to get away
I can still feel your presence
as I relive all of our memories
day and night
even the ones where we don't speak
something that was never compulsory to us
I feel you are attracted to me
in a way that I could never want
in a way that I could never want
in a way that only gives me heartbreak and anything that could break me
feeling nothing at all, not crying for months
Did four years of that not give you your ******* satisfaction?
You would never dream of this, but stop asking why we don't talk and just get away from me
because there's no way I can get away from you.

I feel nothing
maybe I feel a cloud that only rains in my presence but
I really feel nothing

Sometimes I see myself
in the googles of someone else who is far
very far,
watching me on a screen
and whenever I start to feel
I can feel someone else overriding
my control of myself
I am pushed to the very backseat
despite calling shotgun.

I feel nothing
except for Zeus' anger
at the ***** of my feet
in the form of volcanic lava
bubbling and toiling
as it overrides the meniscus boundary
but now
I am here
me
I am here
in my car in the driver's seat
I don't have to call shotgun
because my unconscious
yes, mine
my unconscious is all mine
and now,
I have never felt more alive.

But the lava always cools and resides,
despite the internal temperature,
solidifying only to be melted again
and I am where I belong
I am right in the backseat.

you’ll come close to me first
just so you can hear me, of course
you are quiet
and you hear me
really hear me
and open up those lips, that i can’t stop looking at
they’re plump
and very pink
and i can’t even look at you

we’ll part even though you’ve practically filled me completely
my mind is heavy with you
but i have to watch you from afar
this is god’s practical *** joke
i watch you turn
stretch
lean
bend
smirk
and smile at something you shouldn’t have
and it seems as though
i can’t stop rocking myself in my chair

the torture is over
it’s time to go
but it seems you’ve only bent me over your knee now
we’re close again
and you smell like something i want to smell more of
do not go;
but i look at you
and it seems like you don’t want to

make sure we’re alone
and come close again
i feel like as you come closer
i drift farther
we are just chasing each other
but ground me
i don’t want anyone else to

bring your hand, rough and veiny
against my cheek
and slide it like lotion on skin
hold
it
you will edge close
now we’re in a questionable position
so i will make the move
those lips are finally on me
and they are gaining momentum
his hands are  on other cheeks now


SLAM
my back against the wall
so sudden that i gasp
but you kiss me anyways
and my legs are raised around your waist
i hate your clothes and you hate mine
do not stop

you are ****
and wise
fill me with your wisdom
right in the  place of my weakness
focus on my weak points
so we can get a better grade
yes, there you go
throb and pulse and
pound
so hard that every time you do
i become aware of your presence all over again
so hard
you’re so hard
don’t stop until i am powerless
do not stop
let me  be weak
don’t stop

hold my neck, another weak point
and shove your fingers in my mouth -
sometimes its best to let the teacher do the talking
let me smell your hardworking sweat
and your cologne that won’t leave me till morning
I will scratch your back
relieve your itches
bone deep
red marks of scandal on your back
my hands amongst your dark hair
too soft to keep a grip of
don't you dare ******* stop

The hollow in my chest expands
with every shallow giggle
with a moderately funny punchline.

The hole where my deep breaths do not reach
becomes harder to feel reflection of air in,
every time I remember you
and realise something I feel in the marrow of my bones.

I can memorise every centimetre of your face
keep myself busy for 10 hours
and sleep for 8
I can hang myself in textbooks for centuries
but there will never be a portal to a world that I am with you.

Forget dying for you,
I sm living every torturous, second, hour, minute
for you;
the fact remains -
I will never see you again.

zh(28/19/16)

Seas that have earned their sparkle from the sun, at its picturesque potential
perhaps something you know as your eyes
and a heavy overflowing jug of intelligence, wit, charm and understanding pours out at a waterslide's rate within your mouth
spikes of subtle sexiness
grow in your cheeks
topped with a tidal haircut
just so I can appreciate the rest
is what keeps me distracted
in the most interesting of classes
and gossip filled television shows
perhaps even xanax wouldn't be enough
I am yet to find the worst quality in me to cancel out the best in you.

zh (26/09/17)