My heart aches
at the thought
of holding you
being nothing more
than holding you.

How am I supposed to feel,
when the woman who has been strong for me my entire life,
has tears flowing down her cheeks?
How am I supposed to feel,
when my friends who live easy going lives,
tell me they know what I'm going through?
How am I supposed to feel,
when my mind is in denial,
even though the proof is in her slur?
How am I supposed to feel,
when I cannot allow myself to cry,
because I have to act the role of parent?
Tell me, how am I supposed to feel,
when my father tells me not to tell,
as if keeping it a secret will keep me sane?
How am I supposed to keep myself together,
when the world continues to fall apart,
and repair itself,
over and over and over again.
How am I supposed to feel when the one i love the most cannot love themselves?
Let me tell you,
I
  am
       falling
                  apart.
And this time, I don't want to get back up.

It starts out slowly
At first, you don't even notice it
You're busy, you'll do it later
But as more time passes you eat less and less
You begin making excuses
You ate a lot yesterday
You're fine.
One day, you lose "control."
The hunger gets the best of you.
You eat and eat and eat
Soon after, the tears begin pouring down.
And so you'll sneak to the bathroom,
maybe stick your toothbrush or finger,
down your convulsing throat.
You relieve yourself of the pressure, the guilt,
and the contents of your stomach all at once.
But they begin to notice.
You lose an unusual amount of weight and it all comes falling down.
You hear the words... but your ears refuse to hear..
"..nervosa"
"bulimia"
"anorexia"
Bits and pieces.
But you're fine, right?
Ana is your friend.

What a day is the day that we fell apart.
What a day was the day that I felt my heart begin to beat again.
The days before were a blur of tears and mess and pain and the black that came...
before.
Before there was nothing; there was blood running down my wrists, and my lips from where I bit too hard to keep myself from screaming.
The secrets I held inside to keep the pain away from you. My ***** little vice.
The branding of myself with a match and then the fighting and yelling and worthless feelings set in from all around.
But that was before.
Then a supernova hit; it refused to let go, demanded to be seen.
His presence was ripe and I felt him as surely as the draw of oxygen into my lungs.
I learned the ways of he through long nights, and shared music, stupid inside jokes, and the way you eye a stranger you'd like to get to know.
I fell in love before I knew it.
The salvation I sought came in the form of emerald eyes, smatters of freckles, and the laughter of someone who has known true pain.
What the days have been since my world exploded into a collection of everythings and nothings and in betweens;
what a day will be the days I learn the deeper inner workings of his mind just as surely as he will come to know mine.
My days go on and on; rambling poems, and collections of words that make my heart swell like the finest symphony, and of course the minutes or days or hours or whatever where I was lost in his eyes.
What would my days have been had he not burned the impression of himself unto me?
Cold and lonely, dark and desolate; my over dramatic tendencies would know no bounds.
The blood would seep into the fabric of my life, slashing away anyone who tried to get too close.
The pain would burn bright and rare like a comet until eventually the darkness would fall and I would be alone: numb, broken, destroyed.
But every time he opens his mouth, whether it's to curl his lips upwards, or to speak with that tone I hold so dear, or to lean towards me and tangle our mouths together....
The pain recedes, my breath leaves, and I am left hoping and praying for that which is impossible even if I don't have anyone to pray to.
I pray, oh how I have prayed and wished and hoped and believed, that he will stay.
What will be the day when that eclipse that is he that lit up my life when all was empty and gone, decides to take his leave away from me and my love and heart and all my promises I dared to give to him?
The desire to burn and imprint myself so that he will ne'er forget, and every day, when he is gone, he can look back and think fondly of me and the memories that I have scratched with all my might onto his soul, that desire exists in every single pore of my body.

Each breath rattles my fragile windpipe;
Each glance towards you is a mistake.
Every step is another further towards my grave.
I trace my veins with the back of my hand, defying your commanding gaze.
I resist what every fiber of my being demands.
Breathe in, breathe in, and yet again, in.
Til the air bubbles back and I am left gasping and aching.
Each kiss fulfills the here and now; ceases all thought.
The braking of a train, the breaking of my heart.
Detach and try to untangle myself from this web of sweet perfection.
I pretend that I am omnipotent; I pretend the emotions that pass between are translucent.
Each touch, each caress, is the start of a bitter sweet addiction.
Every moment, every second, every minute, every hour with you is a beautiful disaster.

Deep beneath this liquid dream, all there lies is you and me
In your warmth, no pain reaches me
In the sunshine of your smile, no laughter escapes me
The heat relaxes me, making me safe and warm
Like silk and velvet, sliding together, we are one
Bubbles surrounding, water encompassing
If only you my dear were here to enjoy it with me, then maybe the pain would truly be gone
I wouldn't have to force myself to the bottom of this porcelain jail and hold my breath and count to ten
Instantly I would be whole again.

I can see something inside of you,
that I myself have lacked for far too long.
It leaves me breathless and speechless,
so, with too much to say I babble on.
My lips burn with fervor as I try to capture the words,
I don’t what to say- yet I continue to speak as if I do
The unspoken words lie useless on my tongue
Burning to be heard
Begging to be said out loud
I don’t know what I want
I know that I want everything
I am a walking contradiction
Can you see me struggling with myself?
Just another piece of the puzzle clicking into place.
Oh, the words I so desperately need to say, to hear
Are the ones that are so out of place
Aimless, and wandering, like a line out of my favorite song
Will I ever give up the fight, and let you see?
The darkness, and the brightness, struggling within me?

Her memories are imprinted in your skin
Like a broken record; you are stuck
You can't get over it
You pick up another pill;
You pray to God you'll forget her
That you'll forget everything
The way her smile lit up your world;
they made the darkness retreat for a few seconds at a time.
The way her hair tickled your skin;
It was long and annoying but somehow you loved it.
The smoothness of her skin;
it balanced the jagged roughness of yours
But you can't- you can't forget
And so you pop another pill
Or do another line
Praying to God it will work this time.
The only thing you are doing,
is numbing yourself.
You can't admit it
You once needed her-
and right now, once again you need help
Your pride got in the way, though,
ruined everything.
She tried to scrub the memories from your lips.
She wanted to take all your demons away,
no matter the cost.
The darkness that warred within her,
fighting with her natural light.
The balance was precarious,
but together you prevailed.
Your dark and her light
it made everything better
it made everything seem alright.
Your darkness grew though,
and even she couldn't keep up.
Your darkness overwhelmed her;
she tried not to show it but it hurt.
You didn't listen, or maybe you didn't care,
you just wanted it to end.
Now she is here,
little lines and x's on her wrist.
Neither of you can forget the feel of each other's skin.
Who you are is gone
Who she was is buried.
What did we expect,
When we foolishly let dark and light collide?

I am terrified to ask for what I want most.

For what if you were to reject me-

or worse-

accept me?

We are tangled together,
inexplicably and irrevocably.
Your heart is mine and mine is yours.
The touch of your skin on mine is simply electric,
beneath your gaze my blood boils.
Too early, too vulnerable, and too late to care.
I am yours.
I accept your electricity.
Sing to me nothing and I will return your song.
Show me you love me,
and tell me too.
This is still so new,
the electricity increasing,
and I am a selfish little girl,
who wants you all to herself.
The power increases and I can feel it coursing from within
The electricity crackles,
Alas, I give in.

Your breath dances across my face,
as I lean into terrifying emotions.
Our eyes meet,
then we remember to shut them.
Instinctively we know the best things are that which cannot be seen.
Closer and closer still,
the few seconds are sweet agony,
until your lips finally brush mine.
I can feel your smile burst across your face,
and we both start laughing.
The insurmountable fear felt moments before is eradicated,
as we revel in our first kiss.

Your presence is comforting,
but I can't help but feel guilty,
when my mind destroys a moment between us
to flashback to memories of him.

He's been gone for so long,
I don't even think of him.
Yet, the wrong stroke or too long without a breath,
and I am trembling, shaking, crying.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

And immediately you do.
You're nothing like the ones before,
so why do their ghosts remain?
My body is haunted by their ethereal touch.

Your light kisses remove the cobwebs from my soul;
your hands stroking my back as you murmur calming words removes their stolen claims to my body.

I look into your eyes when I finish crying, I tell you I'm sorry,
but there's no need.

You see me when nobody else can.

You stay when nobody else would.

You saved me from demons I did not know exist.

What else is there to say but thank you?

He was lying next to me, with his hand upon my cheek
I was locked inside my head, thoughts stuck on you.
It was never quite fair to him, I was never quite there with him
Sabotaged before he ever had a chance.

I play it back inside my head, remember everything you said.
The cruel words that made us come crashing down.
The flashing on my phone, how I felt so alone, crying thinking you were still the one.

Maybe I exaggerate, maybe I stretch the truth,
but I never thought there'd be an end to me and you.
I didn't scream or cry or beg, I locked myself away with painful memories..  

And yet here we are, months away from the past.
Why can I still feel your lips on my shoulder, still hear your voice saying "baby, please come closer."
Replaying your apologies over the endless nights of broken sleep.
Why is it still always you?

It's really not fair to him, I still can't bare to be with him.
I hate myself for wishing you'd come back and he'd turn into you.
His brown eyes never stood a chance when all I see are your green seas.
I used to drown in you for miles, and now all I'm drowning in is myself.
Oh darling, I wish you'd come back because I'm still stuck on you.

My father used to tell me that I am too serious.

I've always wondered,

When he was there for it all,

what else am I supposed to be?

I am fearless,
until I look into your eyes.
Then I find myself melting back into you,
soft, sad, and sleepy.

All I want to do,
is hold you and tell you it will all work out for the best.
But it doesn't does it?
Instead of being in love,
we are here.
Staring at one another,
lost and drowning in too many wrong words.
Spit it out, spit them all out I say.
I'd rather too many wrong words,
than not enough right ones.

I'm drowning, falling deeper and deeper.
I can't pull myself up, I can't find a way out
The green waves are lapping at me and I'm being pulled out to sea...
I blink and look away; suddenly I'm aware I've been lost in your eyes.
You've been saying my name; I know that you know, I can see it now,
You're aware that I've been lost in you, of my thinly veiled disguise.
My face is heating up and you're grabbing my chin.
You force me to look back to you and you whisper in my ear.
You know my secrets, you're laughing at me, I know it.
You pull me up, your mouth on mine, rescuing me from sea...

I'm caught between these frozen sheets;
I hear my heart silently beat.
The winter's chill halts my thoughts;
Golden leaves my soul had wrought.
I breathe in frost longingly;
I continue to search for the woman I am to be.
Wind screams against her pale delicate skin;
Day battles the darkness away-- I beg to let it in.
Mind over matter is what I've been told;
do you realize that kind of **** just gets old?

No one will ever know,
what we have done today.
No one will ever see,
that I let you treat me that way.
I won't show anyone
the bruises, the scars, the blood or pain.
Time will heal and the scars shall fade
The imprint on my soul, however,
will always be the same.
The burning of the flesh,
the blood oozing from my thighs or wrists,
and how you healed me with a simple kiss.
The marks you left on my neck, back, and ***
healed the ugly inside;
the monster I could not bare to face.
It came and went and as I left you
I realized what I knew already to be true...
The monster inside of me was you.

It was in your silence,
That I heard everything I needed to
It spoke volumes
Like the spaces between words,
a well placed period between sentences,
or a few quotations to improve your paragraph.
It told me everything was right,
that everything was okay with us.
But silence can only say so much
It was soon that even that disappeared.

With each and every kiss,
he imprints himself on my lips, my cheeks, my heart.
With each and every look,
he gives me his love, his trust, his promise, his heart.

I feel those feelings that I cannot unfeel.
I enjoy those moments that I cannot unravel.
I wish for him to be mine for forever and a day.
I pray to someone I'm not sure exists, that our love is real.

I'll lie in wait.
I'll trace my skin where he kissed and relive those moments.
I'll write a poem or two or three..
knowing that he is always here--in my heart, my mind--with me.

Wait & Watch
Watch & Wait
Words slither down,
oozing off your tongue.
Raining down truth and lies a like...
wait. wait. wait. wait.
Breathe in and breathe out.
Hold your breath and let it go.
Mark another wasted day off your calendar
Watch & Wait
Wait & Watch

I hide pieces of myself away
pretending it's only for a little while
looking away when pain blossoms in my heart.
Tears drip in silence, shards of hidden shame.
I disguise the true me, beneath "randomness,"
I act out, silly, all fun and games,
but when I look in the mirror my reflection turns away-- ashamed.
This is what I have become,
raindrops of misplaced truth lost in the arid desert.
Stormy seas where Greek monsters roam swallowed me whole.
I open up only to shut back down, a lost prospect at every turn.

When we are gone, where do we go?
Does our souls find a new place to call their homes?
Are we a mass waiting for light?
Or is there a God waiting,
with open arms to say, “I have loved you all along.”
Is there a Hell, with fire and brimstone?
Is there a Heaven, with love galore?
When we are gone, are we still here?
Do we haunt those we love, or our past fears?
Will we find an eternal resting place?
Will we become that which we hate?
When we are gone, are we simply gone?
Nothing but a memory left, to chase the dawn?
When we are gone, where do we go?

Inspired by a little sentence I saw on Tumblr**

You are not a poem, nor are you a song.

You are not the characters in a book or the idiots you see on tv.

You are not a word or a sentence, a comma or a simile;

you are not "the smoke rolling off of your tongue like your cigarette."

Your life is not a movie, but it is a grand adventure.

You are flesh and bone, plasma and eye lash and minerals such.

You are thoughts and motions and actions and emotions.

You are not a waste of space.

I don't want to say goodbye;
can we just say goodnight?
Say that we'll see each other once again,
when morning comes to light.
Good-bye sounds irrevocable and disheartening,
but good-night sounds free.
It makes me think of love,
of everything that we've become,
of "don't say good-bye"
and wonderful, wonderful things.

Your lips I could have kissed again,
I think.... I think-- I know.
I dab at my own, swollen and inflamed.
Lips tender, unashamed.
Still crackling with electricity, with the heat that could exist between only us.
You had held my gaze, steadily and eyes full of emotion.
Our hearts beat, erratically.
Memories leave me dazed; I relax into your salty, soft, passionate ways.

I'll put my heart in my hand
and wait for you to come and break it
I'll give you this first and final dance
but only if you promise we can make it
This is the sound of you and me
ebbing and flowing violently
This our secret little song and dance
crashing over us and smiling triumphantly
This is the beginning of the past
A million chances and decisions we have to learn from
This a both and blessing and a curse
A way to show me that I don't have to run

I don't ask for much
-- or maybe I do.
Ok, so, I ask for a lot.
-- or sometimes not enough.
I ask for the in-betweens,
the flecks of desire in your eyes,
your hand squeezing into mine.
I beg for the silent promises,
the i-love-you's without words,
the I've-waited-so-long kisses,
and the laughter that falls within.
I seek out, instinctively, the warmth of your hugs,
The gravelly smooth low quality of your voice,
And that darling half smile I hold so dear.
I ask for nothing,
and yet I ask everything of you.
I coax it from you with a simple slip of the tongue.
I ache and need and want..
to give and to take;
I ask for too much and say nothing at all,
I just lie here in bed, and continue to fall.

A girl with glass eyes
sits sobbing on the stairs
we've asked her to leave
but she only whispers back
"I'm not here."
I'd try harder to make her go,
but when I get closer
it is then that I see
the glassy eyed girl is me.

I think of dying a lot.
Almost every day it seems.
My mind is consumed by the thought that,
Possibly,
one day,
I will simply cease to exist.
My brain doesn't understand,
it cannot comprehend,
the brevity of these thoughts.
Not existing isn't an option, it goes against human instinct.

A part of me hopes there is life after death,
That with all the possible universes and timelines,
We can simply switch from this one to the next.

The anxious part of me,
the largest parts of me,
panic at the idea of having no air or sun or life.
Nothing, not even awareness of the absence of something.

As empty as I am, or have been,
I still fight.
I fight to stay alive and to experience all of the wonderful moments that exist in this life.
I want to travel to unknown Italian islands and see the way the sun sets in Thailand.

Why am I stuck in this bubble, this little corner of Earth, when there is so much more to explore?

I am afraid of dying, without ever having the opportunity to live.

"Don't Leave Me," I whisper
And you promise you won't.
The voice in my head doesn't believe you
but a piece of my heart is trying to
I've been hurt before,
after all, who hasn't?
I'm still a scared little girl.
I'm vulnerable but I want you.
I hear those three valuable words,
and know that I believe them.
They color my world;
they make my heart explode.
But shadows from the past sometimes overtake me
I'm getting better, just know that
"Don't Leave Me," I whisper,
and you promise you won't, again.
Know that I believe you, and trust in you.
Don't worry, I love you too.

Here's a little poem that I wrote for you
When I was feeling a little less sad.
It was supposed to remind me,
Of how much I am loved,
And how much I love you.
Instead all it does is create this deep ache
A longing inside of me
For a past that the future cannot remake.

I once told you
that you are the only one who has ever inspired poetry in me.
Which isn't quite true,
but true enough.
You are the only one who inspires poetry out of love
Not pain.
You didn't shatter me like the one before,
who inspired so much darkness it filled my pages for years.
Instead, your freckles were the stars the guided me into hope.
Your eyes became emeralds that illuminated my poems with color.
You became the one.
The one who makes my voice stronger, my heart lighter, my me me-er
I am silly and light and infinite in your arms.
Even when my poetry is wrought with word *****,
the words are lyrical to my eyes and ears,
and if the poetry I write isn't meant to be for me,
then who is it meant for?

There are spaces between my fingers,
Where yours interlock when you're not away.
The ghostly pressure of your hand is a reminder to me,
That you're here even if you're gone.
The shadow of your hug envelopes me;
The faint remembrance of your lips on the back of my hand warms me.
Darkness threatens to claim me,
To pull me into dreams of you.
Where your lips and mine will clash.
Without hesitancy, without remorse.
Just you and me and we and us.
Neither of us beginning, not ending without the other.
All conscious thought gone....
Sweet nothing dreams fill me and I am off,
to our special place.
Where nothing separates us,
and no one stands in our way.

After all this time, you make my heart soar.
I try to tell myself it means nothing,
but somehow,
it means everything.

There is a crushing vulnerability, weighing on my lungs.
My youth is obvious in my words, my idealistic views, my poetry.
I write and hope and dream and wish for a one day, that's far away, better than this.
School drawing to a close, days rushing by my ears, I lose touch with all I feel.
I devour as much knowledge as I can; letting sentences sink into my skin, over-analyzing everything.
Craving the touch of those I love, friends and lovers alike.
The future claws it's way into my eyes, daring me to be brave.
My arms span above me, like wings, stretching, wishing for a break.
I write essay after essay; each devoid of my aspiring voice..
I'm taking on the world, one step at a time, desiring to make it my own.
As I rotate on this ginormous blue sphere, my youth begins to show.
It surrounds me, a soft warm glow; reality cannot touch me.
I am a youthberry, bursting with joy.