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madrid May 2017
let me tell you the story
of the girl who laced cigarettes
with the taste of coffee
the girl who stained tissue napkins with sappy phonetics
and the guy who knew nothing of the sort

she carved heartbreak on the surface of her wrists
and broke silence with unessential questions
she wore her wounds in a tight braid
and carried her worries on the pages of a paper-back book
she described her mind as retired
from all the wars she has won and lost
she exclaims sighs of relief
and stands by the neutrality of her hopeless idealism

on the other side of the universe, however

there exists
the personification of oblivion
he betrays his race with an unrecognized voice
and words misunderstood by his own kind
he returns to his world for temporary release
of what
he is still unsure of
and yet
he is certain of the presence of sadness
he masks his isolation with a facade of self-accompaniment
and satisfies his inner desires with empty seats
he covers up his chapters with bottles of prohibition
and mystifies the tables with ashes of past regret
he sings about tomorrow as if it holds a promise
a promise of better days to come
he has gone from mountain to mountain
in hopes of a brighter view of the sun
but amidst all his travels,
he is yet to be blinded by the brightest of flames

and so,
he appears to be void
of reason
of worth
of a sense of purpose
of plans of the future

and maybe this is where the story ends.

with both their hands shaking from an overdose
with momentary glances of unread excerpts of themselves
with the unspoken truths
and with held-back melodies of lyrics still unknown
with curses of similarities
and vows of their difference
with her,
believing she already knows too much
and with him,
thinking she is yet to know more

or maybe I was wrong.

because maybe,
just maybe,

this is where the story begins.
maybe
we'll remain nothing but strangers to each other
and maybe that's okay.
madrid Mar 2017
Hindi ko mapagkakaila na marahil ikaw na nga
Ang pinakamatamis na tulang naisulat ko
Hindi ako sigurado kung dahil sa ikaw ang unang lalaking hinalikan ko sa ilalim ng bumubuhos na ulan
O dahil binigay ko ang lahat sa laban na 'to
Mula ulo hanggang paa
Mula buhok hanggang kuko
Mula balat hanggang buto
Tagos ang mga salitang yumayakap sakin bawat gabi
Halos hindi na nga tayo matulog diba sa dinami-dami
ng kwentong ibinahagi natin sa isa't isa

Naaalala mo pa ba
Noong sinabi mo sakin ang takot mo sa dilim
At kahit hindi ako nakakatulog ng may ilaw
Hindi ko pinapatay kahit para sakin nakakasilaw
Para sayo

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Noong unang beses kong sinabi na mahal kita
At ang nakakatawa ay ayaw mo pang maniwala sa aking mga salita
Dahil matagal tagal mo rin tong hinintay
Dahil sa ating dalawa
Alam natin na ikaw ang nauna

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Ang mga pagkakataong nagtabi tayo sa kama
Pero iba
Ibang-iba yung unang beses na nagsama tayo
Matapos kong ibigay ang aking "oo"

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Ang iyong paglaro sa gitara
Habang ako'y kumakanta
At sa hinaba-haba ng gabi ay siya lang ang iyong maririnig
Ang ating musika
Na bumabalot sa buong daigdig
Na para bang wala ng ibang tao sa mundo
Kundi ikaw at ako
Tayo, ang bumuhay sa mga nota
Na para bang may sarili silang isip
Sumasayaw sabay sa pag-ihip ng hangin
Sa akin
Alam ko na sa akin ka lang
At sa'yo lang ako
Ito ang binuo nating pangako
Mapa-dilim, o umaga
Maaasahan mo na sayo lang ako
At akin ka lang

Naaalala mo pa ba?
Kung paano mo ko napangiti
Sa simpleng biro mo ay mabilisang tumutupi ang simangot ko
Na sa kahit anong sitwasyon
Gamay mo ang pagmanipula sa aking mukha
Napapatawa
Napapangiti
Nagigising
Napapatulog
Napapalaki ang mga mata sa gulat
Napapakulot ang noo sa alat ng alak
Napapahalakhak
At maski ang aking pag-iyak ay nakabisado mo na

Pero sa lahat ng naaalala ko
Hindi ko na maalala kung paano mo ko hinawakan
Kung paano mo ko sinabihan ng "walang iwanan"
Kung paano mo ko hinagkan na parang wala ng bukas
Kung paano mo ko tinitigan
At ginawang laruan
Na gagamitin pag kailangan
At isasantabi pag pinagsawaan
Na anumang oras ay pwede paring balikan

Hindi ko na maalala kung paano ka nagsinungaling
Na parang henyo sa sobrang galing
Hindi ko maalala kung paano mo ko sinabihan
Ng mga salitang,
"Binibitawan na kita."
Hindi ko maalala kung paano ko hinayaan
Na sumuko ka ng ganon ganon na lang
Hindi ko maalala kung paano mo nagawang
Sabihan ako ng "Miss na kita."
Habang hinahalikan mo siya
Hindi ko maalala.
Hindi ko na maalala.
At ayoko ng maalala.

Sa totoo lang hindi ko pinagsisisihang wala ng tayo
Pero gusto ko lang sabihin sayo na sinisi ko ang sarili ko
Sa lahat ng pagkakamali mo
Para sa mga bakit na hindi nasagot
Paea sa mga sugat na hanggang ngayon ay hindi parin nagagamot
Para sa mga tanong ng madla na pinipilit ko paring ibaon sa ilalim ng lupa at takpan ng limot

Bakit hindi mo siya kasama?
Ah kasi ayaw niya kong makita.
Bakit siya nalasing?
Ah kasi nag-away kami kanina.
Bakit siya umiiwas?
Ah kasi nagsasawa na siya.
Bakit hindi ka na niya pinupuntahan?
Baka kasi hindi ko binigay ang lahat.
Bakit hindi siya lumaban?
Baka kasi hindi ako naging sapat.

Bakit siya naghanap ng iba?
Bakit nga ba?
Bakit pinagmukha mo kong tanga?

Pero hindi tanong ang pinakamasakit sa lahat
Eto
Eto ang hindi kinaya ng puso
Na para bang ayoko ng mabuhay kahit isa pang oras,
Isa pang minuto
Isa pang segundo
Eto ang mga salitang pinamukhang talong talo na ako

"Uy, sabi niya wala na daw kayo."

Konting konti nalang
Hindi na kailangan budburan ng asukal ang kwentong ito
Dahil uulitin ko
Hindi ko mapagkakaila na marahil ikaw na nga
Ang pinakamatamis na tulang naisulat ko
Sayang lang nga
Hanggang tula nalang ito
Sana pala naging tula nalang tayo
madrid Feb 2017
If I stop drinking water,
would I lose the ability to cry?
madrid Feb 2017
this time, will i be enough?
wrong place, wrong time
right person
madrid Feb 2017
Am I the only one who is terrified of 2 am?

When everything magically falls into place

And for once

The world is silent

And all you can hear
            is your own thoughts of
                                     self destruction

Thinking about nothing
                                     and everything

All at once

All too much.

Am I the only one?
@amb
madrid Jan 2017
It's her putting letters into words
So he becomes a part of literature
It's the way she spontaneously smiles when she remembers his dress shoes
It's her sitting on the rooftop holding nothing but a half-spent cigarette
Wishing it was his hand instead
It's the exhausted smell on her comforter
Until the day he sprays more cologne on it
Or body spray, either way
It's being comfortable enough to not wear a bra (at times)
It's her way of looking at the shirt he gave
It's spicy food
And the cup of Nissin seafood

It's his giggling whenever she acts like a child
It's the pendant on his neck
It's the "wo ai ni"
It's the intensity of his stare
It's resisting the urge to **** her
It's the bonnet
It's his first kiss in the rain
It's his fear of oblivion
It's his whispers of "God, I love you so much"

It's closing her eyes when she hears "Walang Iba"
It's the "keka ku, kaku ka"
It's the dark closet in her room
And the inflatable bed of their friend
It's fighting over the simplest things that seem like mountains
Like the Great Wall of China
Or the Battle at Gettysburg
It's her shouting "I hate you!"
Only to hear "I love you too!" in return
It's the duets they got used to.
It's being with each other for 72 hours straight
It's him
saying he's not good enough for her
And her
thinking he deserves someone better.

It's the lapse between seconds
It's him breaking her walls without breaking anything else
It's her making him believe in waking up to the same face for the rest of his life
It's the music
It's the silence
It's knowing that she desires him for herself
Even with all the stars between them.
It's seeing,
That although the road is rough,
She is his medicine
Just as he is hers.
It's the entire universe conspiring to bring them together
It's the petty misunderstandings
Or the major ones.

It's the stargazers.
And the shotguns.
It's loving too much
Or loving just right.
It's you.
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