Got a lot of stuff to get off my chest
Feelings I have don't really need to be expressed
So I put them down in words lock em up in a vault then throw away the key down to the depths of the earth
It hurts but you gon see a smile up on my face
You probably think I'm a clown
You probably know its fake
And youre gonna keep asking and imma keep masking
Pain is for the weak and as I die please don't resuscitate
And I blame it on fate
That I'm where I needed to be
Not cause I'm lazy cause I can't write to a beat
Cause I don't have the lyrical abilities
Not cause I fall short spiritually
And I dare you to try to be me
Nobody tries to look beneath what they see
Nobody sees the part of me that bleeds
Nobody sees that it's hard for me to breathe
And that's the way I like it, transparency

We were 12 when we would walk down the street and have men look us up and down, staring at us  hungrily. Men smiling and whistling at us  like we are  some sort of pet that they were trying to catch.

we were 13 when  we had to watch what we wore because if too much shoulder was showing or if our shorts were too short we would distract the boys at school from their “learning” because clearly boys learning is more important than ours seeing the only thing we were learning were tips and tricks about what we should and shouldn't be wearing... because if our skirts were too short or our stomach was  too exposed that would show the guys that we “wanted it.”

But clearly those tips and tricks didn't help because at the age of 14 we were grabbed by boys at the mall and in the streets, but it was okay because “it meant we were hot and had **** bodies.” but There is nothing **** about getting used to saying “there was this man who…”

We were 15 when we yelled and sobbed because the men that use to stare at us on the streets found their way into our sheets... as we cried "no, Please don't touch us there ” but I guess my no sounded like a yes and my don't touch me sounded like a carry on and that my terrified eyes and paralyzed body looked like I want to be touched.
Even after everything that happened People tried to teach us that there was nothing that I could do about it and that we should just count ourselves lucky and get use to it…. But how is it possible to get use to being a human object that men can touch whistle and purr at as they please.

We went from having  little boys call us names and pulling on our braids to having a trail of tears fall down our faces each night .Because we knew once we closed our puffy and abused eyes, we would see the men, the men who found their way in our dreams... I guess We went from playing with toys  to eventually becoming toys ourselves.

I only loved you
when it was
Convenient
I'm really sorry
that I  didn't think
of you
( When it really mattered.)
What's the matter with my
soul? It isn't correct
but nothing feels wrong.

I feel something , I don't know
if it's "sorry".

Looking into the void.
I think I seen you.

Reached out.
We met again.

For the first time.

It was love


Possibly maybe.

holding on to right now.


Frozen. your face perfection.

Eyes closed.

Waiting so anxiously for you
to open them.

You don't.
   My heart arrested by your beauty.
   Shatters when you chose not
   to look at me.



I don't feel any signs of growing.

I walk on eggshells to not upset you,
but it's hard to tell if it is working,
because my feet have gone numb.
You terrify me to my very core.

I never know if today will be a day that you love me
or love me not.
I'm like a daisy and you pick my petals whenever you want to,
but those days that you don't,
I miss your hands on me.
Because it lets me know you still want me.

People say you're abusing my mind,
but I can't tell what is real and what is not anymore..
I don't know if I want to tell.
What if everything becomes clear
and I lose you.
What if everything becomes clear
and you don't think I'm worth it.
What if everything becomes clear
and I'm
all
alone.

My friends say I'll never be alone because I have them.
But will they kiss my nose when I'm being stubborn?
Will they put my on their shoulders and parade me around their house?
Will they kiss me softly when I just want to be close?
No.
Because they can't.

He's my lightswitch.
He brings my life light and joy,
but he controls when the darkness rains.

It terrifies me how in love I am with you.
It terrifies me how you could not love me at anytime.
It terrifies me how this could all be over tomorrow morning.
You terrify me.
But I let you, because you're my favorite nightmare.

time
without
sunshine
means
dull
and
gray
landscape
gray
and
dull
means
sunshine
without
time

I do not want the flowers to know
That I am dying
That never again will I see their petals form
Watch their leaves from a window
Fluttering in a rainstorm
Please don’t tell them that I am dying
Never let them know.

Love Mary x

Hello everyone,

  I'm so very sorry … I feel horrible doing this, but I have no choice. You see, I have published my first book on Amazon/Kindle! This piece (and many others) had to be taken down because they do not allow published material to be available online for free. (Go figure) I wanted to leave the shell of the posts because I felt compelled to leave all your helpful and loving comments. (Silly sentimental, I know), but I also didn't want to just have the pieces disappear without an explanation. I feel bad enough as it is!

  I owe ALL of you so, SO much for all of your reads, love, and support. It was YOU that gave me the gumption to FINALLY get off my **** and publish! Thank you all for the warm comments, camaraderie, and encouragement! I will still be here, reading, uploading and just being the Rascal that I am. How could I EVER leave you guys?

  The book is called “The Way I See It – FictionPhilosophySoul Food” and it will be FREE for the first few days on Kindle Select, so watch for it, if you are interested. I hope that you go and grab it. If you do, I would also hope that you find it worthy, you would leave me a good review. That will help me get in the public eye! Soon afterward (2-3 days or so), it will be available in paperback.

Find the book(s) here: www.amazon.com/author/jeff.gaines

Or find the book(s), and all about me, here: www.JeffGaines.world

  Soon after, I also hope to have my first novel (a supernatural thriller), called “Wanderer” available as well!

  Wish me luck!
Big, Biggest Love,
        Jeff Gaines