Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling

kiss me in your backseat
like nothing has ever been like this before
'cause you kiss like a promise
like you have never wanted anything more
than me

and just maybe, i'm crazy about you baby
and i guess it's a mess but i've always loved messy
things

and with your lips on my neck, i feel like the best is yet to come
and with my heart on my sleeve, i hope you can see it beats like a drum

and i'm wrapped around your finger and my gaze might just linger on your face
and i can't help but notice what we've made of this moment in this place

is beautiful
you're beautiful.

in the streetlights, with your brown eyes looking into my heart
hold me tighter, with your bright lights lighting up the dark
you're lighting up

Lust, attraction.. attachment.
I'm at the mercy of biochemistry.
Cupid with his arrow, shot my soul.
In a ridiculous fashion.

It makes no sense.. is it supposed to?
Flushes cheeks, my hearts racing.. hands are clammy.
Never met a soul I was close to.

The dopamine, could be the nicotine.
I'm blinded.. such a beautiful face
The adrenalin & serotonin coursing through my veins.
I find I'm tempted, temporarily insane.

Cupids star struck victim.
Vasopressin & oxytocin in my nervous system.
Tell me are these the drugs for long term commitment?

I just had to laugh.. in my experience, good things never last.
Like the ocean, my love for you was vast.
I guess cupid missed his shot
The time has come, your love went past.

Like*******, I'm sure there's a better way.
It was all just chemicals anyway..

You whispered sweet promises in my ear.
Told me that you loved me.
Said that it would be okay.
You were soft and gentle.
Your hands were rough but also soft,
And your eyes held a lust that I had never seen before,
But then I said “stop”.
And you froze for a minute.
Your eyes glared at me.
And you stopped whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
“You started this, you can’t just back out now”
I begged and squirmed and tried everything to get you away.
"No! Stop it!"
Your eyes held a cold glare,
And your hands lost their softness.
You pinned me down.
“You’ll love it in a minute”
But that minute came and went,
And I hated every moment of it.
I laid there limp.
I stopped fighting.
I just laid there because that’s all I could do.
And when you finished,
You kissed my cheek,
And told me you loved me,
But I knew it was a lie.
I laid there on that bed for hours.
Thinking of what a mistake I had made and
Thinking of how disappointed my family would be.
And when I finally worked up the courage to shower,
I scrubbed my skin so hard.
Hard enough that sometimes my skin bled,
And I had bruises from pushing so hard.
A week later you broke up with me.
Told me that the spark wasn’t there.
But not until you told everyone about that night.
Told everyone how easily I gave myself up for you.
I told myself I was fine.
That I would get over it.
But no matter how hard I try,
I can’t stop thinking about it.
Because you took something that wasn’t yours to take.
And now I flinch when people get to close.
Now I am scared to let anyone in my heart again.
Because you damaged me.
You said you loved me.
But if you loved me,
Then you would have stopped when I said
“NO!”

Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down