Once in a Blue Moon
After nights without you
I miss you six times over.

Bought your wildflower seed
Sowed it
Into my heart
Watered it everyday
With your soul smile
With our silly songs
& silly fights
With the thought of our hands entangled
With the memory of your deep eyes speaking to my eyes
With the remains of your touch of lips onto mine

But you left
And I still water it everyday
With the flood of tears
With my pen painting my diary red
With the imprints of your smile on my soul
With your fiery passion of gold
With the part of you living inside me
With the wounds that never can be healed
Only scar me

Aware of what it will do to me
I still water it everyday
Knowing it will only grow into ****.

I started working again-
Suddenly I have to remember how to talk to people again.
Do I say "hello" first or do I introduce myself without a greeting?
I need to learn to smile with my eyes instead of my mouth because the mask covers it all night.
So many people are out and I can't help but wonder if those three months were for nothing.
Day 80 and everyone seems to act like they've forgotten what we were all fighting for.

I've grown into the type of person that says "I will go on with or without you."
Into a person that loses people left and right, but knows that as long as I have myself everything will be alright.
So, why is it I still check everyday for your response?

I cannot process a heartbreak that I have yet to begin.
Not a lover, but a friend that left my heart in two.
15 years of memories, laughs, secrets, and sleepovers.
From grade 3, yet you still found it in your heart to leave.

Do you know how it feels? Acerbic.
I just tried to show you the red flags yet he convinced you that I was one instead.
You chose a man that cares for nothing more than getting in your pants, over a friend that only wants you to be safe

Was it easy for you to give us up?
You made the decision so suddenly that the knife of numbness is still stuck in my heart.
I'm scared of what I'll feel once I try to remove it.
For now it's fear of what will happen when you're left with just him.

I look at myself and wonder if I'm a bad person for letting you stay.
Then I look at pictures of you and remember you decided to drop me.
Yet I still pose the the question "Am I the *******?"

I'll never forget the tears we cried in different homes
When they threw you out and threatened the same to me
The strength you built from holding your own
And coming back for me
Thank you.

My Kryptonite,

A month has never before felt like a year.
30 days of breakdowns and sanitizing my tears
A month alone-
Quarantined from everything but my thoughts of you

Just one day is what I crave
24 hours of bliss that bring me back from the disassociation of the everyday
I know I shouldn't risk life for a day with you
Yet the temptation grows as fast as COVID does

Tell me it's wrong
That I should keep us both safe
Remind me of the cost even if it hurts me to hear
Remind me that 30 days is nothing compared to a life without you.

Day 30 and I want to risk it all.