Before
I** leave
Please know I
Only
Loved you when I
Absolutely knew
Reality was long gone

Don't believe
In much
Since you left
Or how to cry
Really it's just too
Difficult to
Even
Recognize your face

blood stained fingernails
hollow eyed
intestine pasta
with a beating heart side
you don't need it
but i need it
a swig of ipecac
to polish off your favorite shade of wine
a kick of copper and regret

but i am eating
her stomach grew smaller
she drowned a little deeper
a nasty lie beneath gritted teeth

come back darling,
dinner is served

words and whispers
are just the same
im numb again
like the number
on the scale
that rises and falls periodically
i will never be enough

Counting calories, telling lies
She'll keep this up until she dies.
Empty eyes, empty stomach, empty heart, empty mind;
What I've become is enough to drive myself mad
Empty, empty, empty. I'm nothing but sad.
So here it is girls, the rumors were true
I try so hard to be as skinny as you.
A monster, A *******, empty, empty girl;
I'm killing myself with my poor mental health.
Starving for beauty, beauty is pain
My head hurts so bad, I'm going insane.
Clutching my ribs, my thighs caving in
They were right--
Anorexia wins.

I once had a man in my life
who told me I wasn't hungry
while I was starving
and that I should be a little more fortunate
and think about those who have nothing
while I'm throwing up and throwing away
the one thing we need to survive

but I don't think he understood
how much pressure he put on me
to look the part and act it, too
I guess he never knew
how hard it was for me to hear
that I wasn't hungry, I just "wanted" food
when it was very much the opposite.

waves of pain
crash against my skull
with each collision shaking my insides
and every thundering bolt
pushing me closer and closer
to grabbing the forty-five
in a desperate attempt to stop
my head from shaking and screaming
to be set free
breathe in, breathe out
to a cold barrel against my temple
pull the trigger, count to three
we were "so nearly free."

The best days of my life
I recall being with you, thinking about you
breathing the air that you exhale.
I need to catch my breath when I remember
that beautiful ocean air
and clear blue water that separated us by inches
I'm lost in this confusion of how to let you go
because I wouldn't ever dream of it
I'm just a memory
but to me, we're A romeo and juliet love
where I can't live without you
so I'd rather die than breathe anyone else's
exhaled air.

i'm exhausted
of Rx bottles and diagnostics
of appointments and waiting rooms
confusions and delusions
of crying on the bathroom tile
and losing track of time
inhaling and exhaling just to stay alive

life's a crowded room if you ask me.

Diamond beads roll off my skin
Sweaty hands and age old gin
Sunshine pupils in candy eyes,
Crying gumdrops and sugarcoated lies.
Raindrops on my fingertips
Poison blood on broken lips
Black and blue painted thick
Cheeks flushed red; a simple trick
**** yourself but stay alive
On your rotting soul they'll thrive.
The shadows of forgotten thoughts,
Who rap themselves around your heart
And suffocate the breath you wished was gone
Turned my sunshine into war

I don't feel better anymore.

today
I washed away my sorrows
my deepest inner part
to concrete

my eyes were in tears
my stomach turning
my throat burning
my nose running
and a disgusting scent
rotting away in my mouth

but I couldn't help but notice
a lifted weight
a dizzy high
a strange goodbye
to time passing by

as my weight dropped
and all I could do is sit back and watch
as I slowly killed myself
and enjoyed it

**** you
you're a pawn
knocking down porcelain pieces
like you're a king
how dare you dance circles
around vulnerable hearts
let her go, let her breathe
i'm a selfish broken heart
but you're an ocean of heavy waves
i'm just merely drowning in you

i look up from the chess board
you sit opposite me, nervously
*check mate

we are oceans apart
and i won't let you in
i'm gonna make you swim

words
it was all words
because you repeat them
over and over and over again
but not to me

I hope you meant it to someone.

Please don't try to tell me that my love is not enough
And please don't try to save me, I am too broken to touch

My shattered glass is poison to your complex hopes and dreams
When you try to comfort me, I'll place you somewhere in between

My smile drifts like butterflies looking into weary skies
You give me happy lullabies, and I give you my tired eyes

You bloom like May flowers
While I rain down like April showers

Soon enough you'll get sick of the rain
And search for something sane.

I thought you and I'd fit together like a railroad and it's train
But your sunshine-sweet weather didn't fit well with my pain

What a shame our colors couldn't blend
But Black loved every shade of Blue until the end

And while I watched blue search for hours,
He'd never find a love like ours.

I didn't know you well
but if I did
I would tell you
how your smile lit up the room
how you're eyes radiated life
and how much I admired
you're ability to stay strong
and carry the weight of the world
in the palm of your hand

but I know
she knows
you know
that sometimes
the world gets too heavy
and the weight is too much
and if you need to rest
we will do our best
to understand and accept

it's not over yet
and truthfully your story will never end
you have an eternal place
in our hearts
and in the world

I believe all things will happen
as they do
and if this is the way
things have to be
then I will remain optimistic
because clouds always have
their silver lining.

and in that instant, you were gone
like a puff of milk white smoke
crashing against a wall of wind
i can smoke until my lungs turn grey
i still won't be able to smoke you away
but just when i get used to the thought
that you are going to stay
just like a puff of milk white smoke
whistling through my teeth.

i knew you wouldn't stay for long
and in that instant, you were gone

as long as you're by my side
there's nothing that I shouldn't hide

and while you rest in this life we've built
ridding yourself of yesterday's guilt

I wait until your storm is over
don't look away until your know her
and i know that you are a few months sober
but wake me up in mid-October
to the only time I feel alive
so you and i can just survive

I've been trying to make it home
but I just can't seem to go
He keeps me here
and makes me fear
the thought that I will grow

The magic is enticing
my heart will never rest
Never will I grow up
this is innocence at best
But is this really innocent?
Am I only just a kid?
I'm hoping for a release from
the world in which I hid.

In this little paradise
away from aging and time
because growing up is not that easy
when the future doesn't shine

So I stay in Neverland  
where happy thoughts will spread
But isn't it a shame
that this all became
just a thought passing through my head

you tell me to jump
and call me stupid for hitting the ground
you tell me to swim
then push my head under the water
because the bubbles hide the screams
you tell me to speak
while you choke me breathless
you call me crazy because words don't come out
and i'm ugly as my skin turns purple
you tell me i'm pathetic
for "forgetting" how to breathe
and you can call me crazy for pretending it's okay
that the blood running from my nose
is simply stage makeup
and you're merely acting
but there are no curtains
and there's no one watching
cut my throat, slam the door
cry a little, come back for more
i'm not dead yet, but i am weak
and i'm just watching my skin
slip off my fragile, achy bones
*i was never crazy

"take a breath and let the rest come easy,"

you think i don't know how you're so **** greedy
taking all I've got because you're just so needy
and this is hard
because i love you so deeply
but all things aside
why wouldn't you leave me?

i undress my words and dissect my thoughts
we all know this building is just made from blocks
so play me like a game of jenga
pick me apart and polish my pieces
find out their stories and all of their reasons

plant me like a seed,
we could grow with the trees
we'll finally find a way
to live our lives freely

"take a breath and let the rest come easy."

Cover me in colors
Light up my world
I'm not so strong anymore

Give me your love
I swear I won't let it fade
I don't feel so good anymore

I'm tied together with a kiss
But if you fade away
I won't be ok anymore

I'm sorry that I need you
I'm sorry that you don't care
I'm sorry that I'm coming undone

I can't help it anymore.

The air is thick
black with smoke
poisoning my lungs
and it's all my fault.

I lit the match
and fueled the fire
for my own selfish thoughts
I am helpless now
moments after it's all burnt down

my lesson--
putting ice on a burn
hurts less than dying of the pain

she smells like
smoke
3 day unwashed hair
sitting still for hours
melting clock ticks
lighter fuel and dry hands
blood shot eyes
stuck to a screen
a scratchy throat that mutters
but can't speak a word
you'd think she tastes sour
but she's actually quite sweet

i'm curled up in your blanket
i'll never leave this spot
and i'm still wearing your favorite sweater
i'll never take it off
until i can see you again
and kiss all of your wounds
and see your precious face
listen to your heart warming laugh
and cry in your arms until my tears run dry
one day you and i
can watch from the window
our coffee drips becoming raindrops
in a foggy city of your dreams
i love you and all of your ripped seams
i love you endlessly

My body is made up of tiny building blocks
stacked together tightly by those who don't want to see me fall.
But my mind sings words that my heart is too afraid to hear
and as I start to sway, the wind hums
with the rhythm that my mind is playing
my blocks shake and the ones who built me try to silence the music
by shoving magic pills down my throat like I'm some fairy tale.
Late at night when the world sleeps,
my music plays softly through the iron bars in which it is caged in.
I start to dance again and I am finally myself.
But my music is nails on a chalk board.
Angry now, rattling my bones
The blocks fall out of place
with every movement and I feel alive.
I remove my blocks one by one
and I lose myself
My music no longer sounds beautiful
because nothing is beautiful anymore
as my body crumbles
and I realize that my dream,
my paradise,
was a nightmare.

I'll never get over this bitter taste
in the back of my mouth
and the slight burning in my throat
how uncomfortable it feels
and how I hate it when it's there

but when it's gone
I want to feel the slightly off feeling
of having a dull razor stuck in my throat
and acid to wash it down

so I make my way to the toilet
to rid myself of this extra weight
and feel what I've been dying to feel

it's not about losing weight

we're selfish creatures
in a superhuman world
where we **** what we need
in order to succeed

we live by standards
that god cannot touch
where we fail to find
the secrets of our mind

there's so much we don't understand
so much we can't comprehend
but we will pretend
that life isn't a dead end

and we'll do whatever it takes
to get ahead of the game and realize
that mankind
is a world behind
and we're just so inclined
to staying utterly blind

it will always be you and me
with tear stains and coffee breath
and pale blue eyes
always another reason to stay
when all your love has gone away
and i miss the way we felt alive
like butterfly kisses and adrenaline highs
we tried, we tried

i miss the way we felt alive.

The doors are open
you don't know how.
Why did I open my eyes
just to see you die
Why didn't I see it
Unfolding again?
Why didn't you stop me?
You saw me headed for disaster.

Why didn't you open your eyes?
And why did you let yourself die?
I knew that I'd gone too far
but I let myself fall too hard

I should have opened my eyes and saw what would start
I should have know right from the first ****** scar
That my heart would be broken
My body torn open
My mind always coping
My soul always hoping
That my eyes would see me back to the start.

I'd like to know if it was beyond my control
Why did I let you revert?
I just wanted to see you hurt.
But that masochistic state of mind
Is how I let myself die

How does it not hurt me
to cut my own skin and deprive my body?
Why am I sad that I woke up today?
On my death bed still wondering
how much I weigh

I should have opened my eyes and saw what would start
I should have know right from the first ****** scar
That my heart would be broken
My body torn open
My mind always coping
My soul always hoping
That my eyes would see me back to the start.

Back to start,
before I fell apart

Back to the start,
a beating heart.

Back to the start

If only I could just restart.

Four bottles of ***** and 10 cases of beer
And everyone's drinking for different reasons
And I'm alone
With all of my friends
don't you see them?
And I'm spinning
And I'm still drinking
And they grab me and pull me to the ground
And rip me open
And spiders crawl out
I lay there
*And I'm alone.

getting on a scale
used to be like payday
but if I did good,
the numbers went down.
If I did bad,
well thats another story
something is missing
and it's not my symptoms
a sense of satisfaction,
ripped from my hands
slipping through my fingers
like fine grain sand.
I no longer look to scales
or numbers when judging
my self-worth
but something is still missing
and i'm starting to notice myself asking
"where did you go"

i smile, sometimes
when I see that everyone I care about is black and white
not because we are sad
although we are
but because we all share
a love for the absence of color
because we see things differently
with a different light, a different vibrancy
my whole life I've searched for another
black and white personality
never thinking that i'd end up
with people quite like you

i crave something different
this time around
i'm not searching for answers
or creating the questions
my shell has eroded
plain to see
leaving a pale-skinned lamb
to bake in the sun
whether its 8 in the morning
or a quarter to 2
the mornings are vacant
without you
while i might be hiding
my craving for touch
at least i'm not hiding
a closeted lust for everyone
who shows you fabricated trust

each and everyday
you prove to me that you're evolving
into someone who's trying
their very hardest to make it through
when all you really have is you

you're proving that you are no longer
an addiction to needles
pumped with a high waiting to make you low
you're proving that you're more
than IV cords, hospital beds and wasting away

you're becoming what i always knew you were

Haven't you heard of us?

We are the voices inside your head
We are the sadness in your chest
We are the feelings that you dread

We are the breath that you exhale on a cold winter morning
We are the hairs on the back of your neck
We are your lamentations; we are your mourning

We are the scratches on your walls
We are the evil in your mind
We are the darkness when night falls

We are the dizziness that you feel
We are the hunger pangs when you starve
We are what makes you feel unreal

We are your darkest nightmares
And your worst lies
We are your deepest secrets
And your most jagged cuts

We are everything you fear
We are what makes you curl up and cry
We are what makes you shiver

We are your screams
We are your tears
We are your friends
We are your enemies

Darling,

*We are you.

You could blame it on how she got turned inside out
or you could blame it on who she was.
You could give her pill after pill and pray she's not ill,
but her mind will not subside.
She sees the doors dancing and hear the white noise
She hears suicide calls and it is not her own voice.
She either feels with no choice or feels nothing at all,
everyone knows, but they just watch her fall.
She hits the floor with a scream
still nobody hears.
She's been forced to go on
and swallow her fears.
But the voices drag on, and they all seem so loud--
reprimanding her for being avowed.
So feelings of hate and dread rush back in
the voices scream 'FAILURE', so she'll never win.
She's been told before that she was insane
but they took her away,
and nothing was the same.

So close, yet so far
Every time I reach inside myself
To feel around for that small piece of hope
Thats growing like cancer throughout my body
I can feel it, aching to be shown off
But I search and I search and it can't be found
Am I looking hard enough?
Am I searching for that glimmer of hope?
Or am I searching for something very different
Like the hate and wickedness that engulfs my heart and gnaws at my bones
Easier to be found and easier to accept
What I want, not what I need.
But how could dark over-power the light?
I am dark
Dark like a new moon night
And dark enough to always shadow the light.
So I wait for the day
When the sun is shining
And so am i.

they caught me
lying in the corner cradling my body
crying for help and praying for a god that didn't exist
they caught me with my chest split open
a still picture of my beating heart
vulnerable and gasping for human touch
finding love in places it doesn't belong
to feed my constant loneliness
with constant attention and fake affection
they caught me
with makeup stains on the pillow
at 3 in the morning
with gritted teeth and puffy eyes
that lay empty on my face just begging for relief

they told me they could save me
and take away my fear
they told me that there's a place
where I could disappear
they brought me to a rabbit hole
hidden deep inside my mind
that led me to a wonderland that was only mine

*I could stay here forever.

i don't have any more love left to give you
i'm drained of salvation
i'm losing myself
or i'm losing my mind
i'm running on empty
and i don't feel like running anymore
i know you need me to be the strong one
i'm trying so hard
but i'm shaking at the hinges
and i don't know how much longer
i can run away from
a loveless heart and a thoughtless mind

deep, dark, all alone
the ocean swallows nightmares
and catches your dreams

endless wishes lost
to a demon in disguise
closing in on hope

your ocean, so pure
a beautiful suicide
i failed to notice

the ocean lied, now
you're deep, dark, all alone
consumed by the sea

today i am a hole
i am a relapse of yesterday
and last year
I am not the light i've come to see
i am darkness
engulfing my heart
and turning it blue
so it can slowly freeze over
to bring me back
to times i thought
would never be seen again

you can judge me for bleeding a different shade of red
but I'd rather you not see my blood at all
I know it's in your nature
to dig under my skin
but please just this once
let me bleed on my own
so that soon enough I won't have to anymore

Being alive doesn't seem right
I knew that for a while
but now, it's becoming clear
something was off
and I now realize
that I'm not supposed to be here.
The whole point of life is happiness
and I can't have that without him
or without hope
of self-worth
so there's no reason
that I should suffer through
restless nights and fights inside of my head
over whether I should stay or go
and it's killing me
not being able to tell him

Everyone's getting better
I'm getting bitter
and I'll be gone by the dead of winter
Dead in winter
Cold heart, cold blood
and I'm running out of time,
Running from my mind
Nothing makes sense
and they couldn't possibly understand
that the winter is home
to just another winter girl.

Opening the locked door of your mind can be hard
some people use drugs
and those that do, either find the key
or have a terrible fate

I think all things are like that.
Keys are hidden all throughout our thought patterns
our lives, our homes, our hearts, and our souls
I don't believe that I lack the ability to find what's behind the door
and neither do you
but I believe there is a world of possibilities
and everything can be possible
if we open up our eyes and our minds
to find wonderland
to find neverland
narnia
heaven or hell
they all exist within our realm of possibilities
we just have to find the key.