you are an ocean
i'm simply swimming
through waves of
"i miss you"
and
"where did you go?"
a heartbeat mutters
if it can't be heard
hopefully someone
is swimming, too
finding ways to drown
in your calming eyes

darling, i love to swim
but not if you drown me

ive come to terms with the fact
that a brilliant boy
can hide behind a nearly lifeless body
determined by white powdered bars
and a beautiful girl
can cloak her sadness
in an exhale of smoke and a few tabs

i do believe
it's hard to hide
when a black cloud
hangs over
his shiny blue eyes

and i do believe
she hears me
from underneath those cries
get out of there sweetheart,
it's like you're sun-bathing
inside a burning building

don't stop to smell the flowers
they're already dead

compare me to a starry-eyed poet
that wrote little wisdoms and gentle sorrows
who was too passionate for her own good
tormented by mental malignancy
the cancer that scribbled down her woes
in composition notebooks scattered on the floor
it was far too young a day
and a far too distant night
to keep her heart beating
she was the night sky raining down on stationary
with words like clouds on her mirror;
"a few more breaths, and it will reflect nothing at all."

you're a liar
and i'm a malignant juror
how are you turning my shame
into a hungry beggar
nibbling at my heart
a decomposing mess of raindrops
in a sad, sad city i'll never forget

i refuse to let this bother me

a walking poem,
that's what you are
complete with your eyes
that form sentences
beneath my skin
your words crawl through my spine
and lie on my wrist
i think you're forgetting
i'm good at this.
i can see your metaphors
when your bones stay still
and i can feel your similes,
as deep as the ocean
all i've got to do is swim
the water's never clear
and it's never very warm
but i'd swim across the sea
just so we could be free
if words are your vice
then write me an ending
our love was **always worth defending

i'm following a script of what to do
what to say, how to think, how to not think
because you tell me to
but i'm burning pages and setting fire
to all that I had felt before

but see
my lips are a little chapped
and my eyes are bloodshot
my mouth is a little dry
and there's blood running down my nose
i'm flipping pages
i can barely breathe

like always
the ink is bleeding
literally bleeding red
and scribbles turn into cuts
i open my eyes
but all i can see
are crushed up pills
in the Rx bottle I used to be

Crowded here
looking through the peep-holes
thinking about
which one of us will get out
like an arcade game
where his mind chooses
like a crane
which one of us he'll let out next
We know we won't be going home
but anywhere is better than here
stuck with the rest of them
left to deteriorate

maybe wherever you are
there is greener grass
and brighter skies
that compliment your crooked smile
and tired eyes
and i'd like to think
that you are every star in the sky
but not even the sun
could compare to your light
that everyone could see
only when it was too late
talking to the angels
seems more romantic
knowing that I could be talking to you

there's an alarm going off
inside my head
telling me things
that makes me wish I were dead

it's harder tonight
than it was just before
to forget memories
I don't want to remember anymore

and my pillow
gets sorrowfully damp
with whispering tears
that are better off sealed
because i'm not sure
how much more my heart can hear

you can't freeze a fire
but you can melt the ice

how do you bury sunshine
and keep it in a crowded box
it's just a shell
but it's enough for the wind to blow
and the cold rain to fall
a reminder,
as if we needed one,
that even sunshine dies,
after all

I can see the words you write
hop off the tip of your tounge in
tired melodies
springing from an empty boy
but god, does he fill the world
you fly between my temples and
tip toe down my spine
walking forever
you'll find,
won't take you anywhere but away
but maybe that's
just fine

When I lie and I cry and I just want to die
and I'll say anything just to get by

When my heart grows weak and it hurts to speak
and I struggle to survive another week

When I'm kicked down
I learn to stay on the ground

I learn to keep my mouth shut
and speak through the cuts

My eyes sink in and my head will spin
from lack of the light but it seems far too bright
so I close my eyes and say my goodbyes

Life starts to fade out, that's what it's about

everyone dies, everyone cries, everyone lies
everyone's in disguise, all feeling demise

So we close our mind
because we're too scared to be blind.

i'm a dizzy dreamer
with lightning bug eyes
floating around in dense air, bringing
foggy glasses and dewy lips
you tell me to pick my poison--
so my eyes fall onto where my heart is set
the corner of the room, a vile of red and pink
cyanide filled to the brim
laced with an exceptional dose of formaldehyde
I wonder if you tell her to pick
I wonder what she chooses
will it be the knife
does she take your gun
or will she drink your sins mixed into ***
you dug me a grave then pushed me in  
then wandered off with the shovel in hand
it doesn't matter how far I melt into the ground anymore

Sometimes I think that we are more than just
blood pumping, eating, sleeping, repeating

I like to think that we’re here for another purpose
other than to just run the motions and ignore the fact that we are just
brittle bones, empty hearts, tired souls, forgotten woes

Understanding is difficult
accepting it is worse
so we settle on contentment
and call it happiness

To love or to be loved is what is comes down to.
To skip another meal or to not feel real;
for them to whisper and have you know
or have them whisper and it be a secret.
To keep him or lose him
to love and amuse him or
to be stupid and not choose him.
Would it make a difference if my father didn't leave
or if my brother was good and my mother didn't grieve?
If the beats didn't hurt and the words were not true
If you saw everything straight and knew what to do.
If the mirrors didn't scream--If it were only a dream;
To love or to be loved is what it came down to.
Love yourself and be unloved and you'll never pull through.

I am hungry
and no longer safe
the feeling lingers
in the stomach
the habit is in the heart
wanting more than anything
just to be loved
the inhale and exhale
is never enough
i'm holding my breath
i'm simply selfishness
hollow-rib-cage-rattling
desire

i wonder if you're hungry
for what I crave
dangerous love that feels out of place

numb
my heart beats ring in my ears
with each beat proving that something's wrong
and i can't feel my bones
or my key strokes

my words don't roll off my tongue
i don't sound human anymore
i'm feeling my feet lift off the ground
i'm screaming your name
but it's a muffled cry, 1,000 miles of soaked eyes
and dried up tears on my cheekbones

my heart beats are sporadic
beating with my flickering eyelids
my footsteps are heavy  
and i don't have you
to lighten my cloudy vision

I get a kick out of the inhale
the exhale even more so
my pockets never overflow
i'm a victim of the system
if you say so
load me up with pills
until my pupils turn to dust
you can't see it, but I can feel it
as far as you're concerned,
a filthy lucre is all you need
to watch me fall into
an inhale and an exhale of a hollow life
where both sadness and happiness
come in the form of indifference
because if you're telling the truth,
the pills aren't doing their job

She was alive.
Heart racing, blood pumping, chest pounding
You would never know that she was
mind breaking, stomach turning, happiness fleeting.

She was hanging by a thread
expecting anyone to part it
She held on with all of her might
and pushed away those who made her feel vulnerable

But he stayed and he saw
that the cord she thought held her world together
actually prevented her from getting better.

She held onto burdens
like she held onto her thread
and she would swing
and it would suffice.

He sat and he watched as she cried
and screamed and shook
Because one day
the cord rapped tightly around her neck

"Independent and strong,"
she thought.

But she reluctantly called out for help
and he jumped.

The thread snapped and they both fell
together.
She let go
and so did her hurt.

She was alive.

you form galaxies inside of me
you shoot venom through my veins
and hold my world in the palm of your hand
you release butterflies in my chest
and warm up my heart by the fire burning in yours
you shoot rockets in my mind
that explode into a shade of red that no one has seen
you give me ringing in my ears
that sounds like waves crashing against my body
floating out at sea
for a love that you gave to me and took all of it away
I wish i could give you all of this back.

here it goes again
another few months
of listening to these stupid ******* sad songs
that remind me of you screaming with me
and the lyrics are ******* killing me
im crying im crying im crying again
i've been here before because
whenever I lose you all that matters
is you
because i swear on everything
i will never love
i will NEVER love unless
i love you

sometimes I notice that the snow falls comparably to how I do
and lands with the intention of staying awhile
so I stare in awe at the crystals of ice glistening
over a blank sheet of perfection
and maybe that's how you see me
but i'm freezing
i can't give you warmth and comfort
but that doesn't stop you
from laying down and making snow angels
that watch over me and make sure that
I won't be cold for much longer

im growing into butterfly wings
that you've shaped with scissors
and dew drops that fall from your waterline
that looks like where the ocean meets the sky
you're a horizon of time zones that always pass by

it's like the sun is afraid of me
and the crickets are my friends
ive brought them here
so you can hear my favorite instrument
it's soft, and sweet
but dark and cold
i promise with them, you can never be alone

the oceans are too wide
for my shaky, achy bones
but i would swim until the days grew thin
to feel your warmth and light,
my sunshine

people and things are
sometimes
not what they seem

remember when you told me
you'd never fall apart?
now you're just a fish out of water
flopping around to the pretty sound
of no one there to save you

your word is your bond
our bond is blood
leaves on a tree
like birds of a feather
you promised me you'd be here forever

come crying back to your little girl
tell me everything you're sorry for
how you never meant to hurt me
you're a half-baked conundrum
and I am too
if this is all we have, then
I guess we're left to reconcile
and settle the waves

looking back now
it's the little things that mattered
the simple memories
the game shows
the look in the morning
the way he played with my hair
the way he kissed the back of my neck
he gave me hope i never dreamed of
he made me breath air that i have not breathed before

My mind is no longer littered
with feelings of hatred or numbness
my entire world revolves around you
but this reality does not work
if you aren't in my solar system

i don't feel like crying
and pitying my poor, poor soul
now i'm screaming ****** ******
begging you to come home
and make everything okay
little did you know
that everyone's world would fall apart
when you made the decision
to swing in the sunlight
and take away ours
with tears in my eyes
i'm praying to a god in the sky
pray for me, take care of you
thought I was crazy then?
well wait until they see me now

I’m so insignificant
and i’m not new to this feeling

it doesn’t hurt anymore
i’ve grown
used to
fond
and understanding

of feeling like i am nothing

it's no surprise
that my once tiny waist
filled up too much empty space
and air to breathe
would scarcely be
enough for me
to fall asleep
but now that it's over
I guess i'm never really sober
you told me wasted space
can never be replaced
I guess i proved you wrong

i'm patiently waiting for the first breath
of lukewarm air to my swollen lungs
that heave to the sound of crickets chirping
and fire burning
i'm abandoning my frozen corpse
that lays here in purgatory
to let in a light
that pumps clean blood and fresh air
so that i'm no longer forced
to breathe for a life that i don't want to live

I know you half expect me to smile
when you tell me to
and you think that it doesn't burn
to rub away your beating breaths
when i'm constantly wrapped up
in off-white polyester
weathering alone between the sheets
you'll probably forget the shape of my mind
when you tried relentlessly to mold it into
something you could hold
i promise you're no monster
but you're not from this world
you're out of place,
this town always had a bitter taste
for you

The monster crawled out from under your bed and embedded itself in your head.
Now you begin to see strange things, you shiver as the monster sings.
It's voice is eery, dark and sad,
it's plans are evil, sick and mad.
You try to run
you cannot hide,
you cry alone
teary eyed.
You're scared, you're helpless, you want to cry.
The monster torments until you die.
But tell me, honestly, what would you do?
What would you do if that monster was you?

I dreamt of a life where I could float
Forever, aimlessly in a vortex of nothing
All alone
Where thoughts run their course
And make me weak.

It's harder to laugh than it is to cry
So I break down and release
The easy way out
And all the shadows crawl out slowly
Whispering words that, too, make me weak.
Silence falls and the world goes blank.
I wake up
And do it all again.

what happens when it finally happens?
and days after
you're thinking "what could I have done?"
you could've come to me
asked me how I am
asked me how the rain falls
but I know you couldn't give a ****
so when the rain is falling
and you think of me
know that you've done nothing
and let that sink in
let the raindrops be a reminder
that i'm no longer real
just a dreary drop of water
falling from the sky
look up and watch the clouds roll on
and stop wondering why

im numb to the way
my heart spins around
you
i forgot the feeling of butterflies
and the heaviness inside your eyes
an eager glance into your heart
is just enough for me to fall apart
and this isn't right
this filthy life
where ghosts hide
their wasted lives
you're what makes me feel alive

we're back on a nine to five
of forcing a smile
and choking back tears
to make it through without you
but i guess i always knew
that it'd break my heart
having to be with someone
that melts the same way i do

Maybe it's the smell of the air
or the stars in the sky
that remind me of those nights
we're you'd ponder life's greatest mysteries
with your 7 year old daughter
and how I'd admire your faith in me
to comprehend the demons of your mind
because one day, they would become mine, too

Or how the wind blows in my face
on a cold winter night and there was something
special about that feeling
because you felt it too

Later we'd spend all day
up on a mountain
by the waterfall
with nature surrounding us
maybe it was the sound of the water
or the feeling of standing on the edge of the cliff
that brought me right back to those days

and how I miss every second

but you left
and now I hate that all I see
is you
when I look in the mirror
or when I think
or when I breathe
or when I cry
or speak

because I can't talk to you, still
without every one of these feelings
rushing back

I feel everything I feel
with such a strong intensity
that's why when I fall in love
I fall too fast and too hard
it's why when I fall out of love
i'm left recklessly abandoned
utterly ******
I feel with a different part of my mind
one that exaggerates every little detail
one that turns puddles to oceans
breeze to tornadoes
and me into someone who feels
just a tad too much

How the hell could you pick me out of a crowd
and notice my crooked hairline
my slightly larger right eye
the scars on my arms
and call them perfectly beautiful
when all I can see are imperfections
that disgust me in the most painful of ways
because that's me, an imperfection
sadness written in bruises
and you know you can't fix it
but you're willing to try
but I promise one of us will get our hearts broken
because I'll ask you to stay forever
and you can't deal with it

you probably don't care
but someone does
you probably never asked
but then again,
no one did.

you spent your whole life
wishing you were a butterfly
when you're simply a caterpillar
who has a lot of growing up to do

there's a strange place in my heart
for people like you
who turn sunny skies gray
and usually i'd call you a man
that has the ability to ruin my life
but not anymore
and i know that each passing day
is just another excuse to walk away
i hope that you can see
the tiny glimmer in my eye
behind rough lies and vindictive words
and i hope when you realize
that i'm better off without you
you'll stop running away
and treat me like i'm not your little girl anymore

I don't think, at least
that you think about me
when I'm all alone
spilling out the secrets
that I've hid for the past few months
because I'm supposed to be
new and improved
when I'm really just
stuck in a rut
thinking about what it would be like
to go back in time
and change my mind
I'm really just broken glass
that have footprints imprinted
on the surface of my world
because everyone fails to see
that I am still broken glass
holding up the world
and you
like all the others
walk on my glass
and fail to notice a crack

You have broken every thing in my heart
and you continually break it everyday you exist
you have stolen from me
so many experiences and memories that
could have been different
had you not killed the hope I hung on to
like it was my last breath

you've given me so much pain
that I have to hide from everyday
so that you don't think yourself important
because you certainly lack modesty

you are not allowed to hurt me
you are not allowed to break my heart anymore
and mess with my head
or bring yourself joy from watching me suffer
endlessly over you and your twisted words
that haunt me every day you pretend
like you didn't do a **** thing

I'm telling you
I'm screaming it in your ear
I want you out of my life

you will not ruin the one thing I have
that makes all the pain you caused me
blow away and the one person who
lights up my eyes everyday I'm alive
you will not ruin this for me,
like you've ruined everything else