I loved most of all
a cold blue eyed doll.
I knew that fall,
I'd fall for a doll.

Red my doll if it could blush,
how most I'd get a such and such
and my mind, a grove, a lush
such and such.

Then a doll raises peaceful uproars,
if it weren't alive then before,
I'd pray peace at its door
the **** 'll open before

me. I beg and steal for all,
I begged for this blue eyed doll,
we're stuck between ourselves and lawls,
that uttered from a cold, white, doll.

When was the last time
you just lied on your back
and look at the sky?

The last time you actually
noticed how clouds look like
little islands on the vast sea?

The last time you noticed
the blueness of it all?

When was the last time you
stopped to look up and feel awed?

Do you even remember?

You lied.
You said you'd be leaving the country,
But you lied.
I still find pieces of you
everywhere I go.

You're the song that comes on the radio in taxis, begging to be missed.
I know it's you when my hands start itching to grab my phone to see if you messaged me.
Everytime I hear my phone ring,
For a moment I swear it was your name that flashed on the screen.


You lied.
You said you left the country,
But why is it that everytime
I look for you,
I always find you
in my heart?

Buried deep within teenage romance
And wit and strife and philosophical musings and --

He'd nudged my foot,
His face is a gorgeous grin over these pages.
I glance back to them.

The love interest rose up now
Handsome and beautiful
Charming, clever, humorous, and deep
(But did he have to be oh so middle class American??
And did she? Or I, first person as it is?) --

He's started to stroke my toes now,
Gently, just how I like it.
I'm not kidding when I say
"If you touch my feet I'll fall in love with you"
It's almost instantaneous.

A heroic act of selfless love:
Amsterdam snows confetti
Virginities are lost or traded or gifted
Heroes are demoted --

He kisses my head now,
My cheek, my temple
Interrupts with a story,
Hilarious I am sure
"What was that? Sorry, I'm distracted"
I giggle
Engrossed in the 'other land'

Love blooms on the wings of angels
(And all those other cliches)
He is perfect, yet flawed, as they all are.
As we all are.
They click and rebound and discuss
They laugh, they cry:
They try to fill a part of themselves with
The Other --

I glance up, spying on my own lover
His soft glance on the laptop
Beautiful lips
Gorgeous style
Our own joking, rebounding, enthused exchanges.
Our own supporting, caring, deep meaningfuls.
And I'm not jealous. Not of them. Or anyone. Not one bit.

Yet tragedy is ever present!
And our handsome and perfect lover
Is tossed into Oblivion:
Or to a Something's Somewhere --

"He's dying!" I cry to beautiful brown eyes
Framed with long wavy black.
The darkness holds amusement and affection.

Their perfect and tragic love is ever more so
For its fleeting 'forever'
Its lessened 'infinity':
Beautiful and fragile --

His arms are around me tight
Why am I affected so?
Too easily invested?
But it's not that.
The emotions are too close.
It had been described so well.
Loss.
So accurate.
And these feelings not completely healed
- But healing. Slowly.
Time heals all wounds,
But maybe some are forgotten, sealed away
This one. This one slowly eases.
Some infinities are larger than others.*
And his love surrounds me
As emotions leak from some deep place
Let out to the Universe
Hopefully to never return.

I kept on saying "when"
when I should have been saying "if"
because you and i both know that the world is not a wish granting factory.

My favorite book is The Fault in Our Stars, so I wrote a poem about it.*

The fault is not in us, my love
The fault is in our stars
For we should be together
Whether we be near or far

But due to certain circumstance
Our love will never be
But I will always love you
For Earth's eternity

Although I cannot see you
And want to fall apart
Your beauty and your warmth
Will live within my heart

Can you recall when we met in a support group?
You were with Isaac who was insanely in love with Monica and her *****
You took me to your home which you gave me a basement tour
I thought to myself we were going to be best friends or maybe evens more

I gave you my ideal and ravishing book
remember how you couldn't stop talking and I knew you were hooked
You and I had our ''Okay'' which became our own flirtatious ''always'' forever
I just got butterflies and knew that some how we would always be together

Can you recall when you said you were cancer free?
You took the tests and god your test results lit up the heavens tree
You are just amazing calling me Hazel Grace
which always just made me laugh and put a smile on my face

The day came of your funeral
everything was just certainly unreal

But then I remembered: That's the thing about pain it demands to be felt

Once upon a time,
In a almost perfect world.
There was a girl.
She was happy.
She laughed and played
And smiled all day, with a lovable smile
And her sparkling eyes.
One day, i checked behind that cheerful smile,
That sat so sweetly, among her rosy cheeks.
It was real.
She was happy.
Then she entered reality.
         PLOT TWIST
Alice was no longer in wonderland.
Wonderland to reality.
Crazy insanity.
She kept her head down.
And forced her smile.
Soft, frightened whispers escaped her
Blood red lips as she spoke.
Dark, Dull Madness
Her genuine laugh lightened,
The sparkle in her eyes
Washed out
And was replaced
With pain and darkness.
She WAS happy.
Once upon a time.

I don't want to be anything except
a part of this infinite universe
a part of this vast world
a part of my country
a part of my nation
a part of my youth
a part of my home
a part of my family
a part of myself.