I was your Hazel Grace
Because I thought I was a grenade

I was in my final year in high school when I started liking you
And soon I would leave the same school we were into

I, and the people around us
We became dependent of your actions
And you made us believe that you liked me, too

So much depends upon this boy I really liked
behind his eye glasses were his eyes that had
always been sending me love letters
that I always wanted to reciprocate
his stunning smile made him look grand every time

So much depends upon this rebel heart
that I was ironically obedient to
Because not granting what this heart wanted
would **** me a hundred times

Until the day came that I needed to leave you
I thought leaving would hurt harder than a heart break
But you were the one who left
And that was when I started believing
that I was not the grenade I once thought I would be
but it was you

*You left me wounded

“Humanity enveloped in entropy desperately seeking symmetry for peace of mind”
― Dean Cavanagh

“You should never be surprised by or feel the need to explain why any physical system is in a high entropy state.”
― Brian Greene, The Fabric of the Cosmos

See how she had changed
See how she had grown
Nothing stayed the same
All were due for change

She cried to the world
But it never understood her tears
She gave out a brittle laugh instead
For the whole world would always seem not to care

She'd been always compromising for everyone else
Yet she ended up getting nothing in return
She was trapped in the confusion of her mind
She was lost with no way out

She was in the labyrinth
So labyrinth she became
Who was she?
*She was someone she never wanted to be

“Nothing up there tonight but entropy, and the same imaginary shapes that people had been imposing on nature since they’d first thought to wonder at the heavens.”
― Peter Watts, Echopraxia

Past 8 PM, and I'm singing along to Justin Bieber's 'One Time'.
It's 2016, and I first heard that song last 2009.

Yes, you can be wrong to think that the first two lines are about me "fangirl-ing" on that guy and his songs.

Because what I simply want to imply is that: I long for the old days. I miss the days when I am much younger and naive than I am now. Back then,  I thought 1. not being able to play during afternoons with my friends is one hell of a nightmare 2. candies are the best thing ever 3. school would stay that easy forever 4. puppies live for a very long time because a lot of people love them — I thought wrong.

I feel like I pretty much miss a lot of things.

Everyone currently needs to realize it's the first of December tomorrow.

I used to constantly think about how this boy broke my heart, and how i will never get over him.

I used to hate my adviser when i was still in high school, thinking she hates me more than i do to her.

I used to feel embarrassed when people stare at me. I was once a paranoid and all i cared about was how people think of me:
"how do i dress?"
"how do i look when i smile?"
"do these boys think i'm cute?"
"these bunch of girls probably hate me"
"i'm so ugly"

I used to cry every night while talking to Him. I forgot to be thankful with what i had.

I used to hate myself, and this hatred nonetheless reflected on my own self. I became a chaotic, impulsive ***** who only thinks about how to fit in in this society.

I used to read sad poems.

I used to write sad poems. Poems about how i hate myself so much that i actually wished to die.

I used to think that my first love had to be some insignificant boy, when it should have been myself.

And now, just a few minutes before the clock hit 12, I finally realized how tough i am to survive in these hardships. I finally learned how to appreciate myself. And by this time, I am so sure about one thing: I'm so in love with myself and all my millions.

entropy is the ultimate fate of all, we believed
regardless as how many times you've tried to resist it
things would still fall apart
for entropy is a natural course of nature ― it always increases; it is inevitable
and soon universal darkness would bury us all

“I am the spirit that negates.
And rightly so, for all that comes to be
Deserves to perish wretchedly;
'Twere better nothing would begin.
Thus everything that that your terms, sin,
Destruction, evil represent—
That is my proper element.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust - Part One

“Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind.”
― John Lancaster Spalding

After finding out a lot of things, I really do hope that this is going to be the last time that a girl like me will ever write something for and about a guy like you.

Perhaps it is best to just start with all the things that I am thankful for.

I am simply thankful that people like us met and somehow enjoyed each other's company. I am even happy that for a certain point in your life, I was there.

To that guy who has recently became the reason why I have been losing sleep, I guess this is not the last, but the first time that a girl like me will ever write something for and about a guy like you.

Some things just remained uncertain.

Maybe I only miss the things i get attached into but did not last.

wanting
       not
           to
             get
                hurt
                   again

                           i
                  hurt
             other
        people
    instead