i cannot make myself say why I like you
& trust me i've tried
a blank piece of paper
and yet i can produce no words

so why do the tears come at night?
and at school?
do you remember on the bus, you sat behind me
you drifted peacefully off to sleep
and your face was so calm and pure
i literally cried

i'm not sure i could ever let you know how much i like you
when i cannot even put it into words myself
perhaps it is because you are the first boy to ever make me feel like a pretty girl

one day i'll tell you how many times i've cried over you

brisk october air sneaks through my cracked car window,
tracing its path, tickling my neck and brushing my hair behind my ear

you're tapping your fingers on the steering wheel along to the beat
my favorite song
and when the chorus strikes, you glance over at me, grinning, completing me.
                    
                 i can't remember the last time i was this happy

we get to party, arms entangled on my hips as we stroll in
i am consumed in you so entirely
i am yours

i'm not sure where it fell apart
i think about it a lot
how thoughts can be become daggers
and happy memories machine guns
my heart beats so hard it could explode
and my fingers tingle and ache
missing your touch? your hands?
i'm not sure how to tell them that it isn't coming back

i say your name
in my sleep
you are the only one
i have ever dreamed of

and when you’re gone
far away
i just think about better days
when you held my face in your hand
you just understand

it is you, my heart demands
should there ever come a day
when you no longer feel this way
although i will feel very blue
i could never stop adoring you.

i say your name
in my sleep
because you are the only one
i've ever dreamed of

everything


that's it thats the whole poem

when my world shattered in front of me
& i could not control the shaking
or the cascade of hot tears

when i could not summon the strength
to call out your name,
but i thought you might turn around

when you walked away
as i needed you most
i knew i meant nothing to you

i called you from the home phone
just to hear your voice

your sweet, sweet voice
that once said you loved me
oh how I  miss

when the tears come at night
and my entire body shakes, as each piece of my being
falls deeper into the dark pit
i know i am living for no one at all

in my youth
i would sprint up
the 16 stairs from my basement
the only light switch at the bottom
and in the dark, I  forced my way to the top
my feet fast as lightning
so the monsters lurking in the dark
wouldn't catch me;  they couldn't take my soul

but then I  got older
and the 16 stairs in the basement
didn't seem as daunting
i don't run up the stairs anymore
because i don't fear the monsters

a small piece of me
hopes that perhaps if i go up the stairs too slowly
they will catch me
and take my soul, envelop me in the darkness
i know they cannot pull me any further down the hole of darkness
that i dug in my brain

The route feels so familiar
so sure
so confident
and yet
i'm not prepared


Like walking through a maze backward
i know the route
i've gone the distance already
and yet
one wrong turn
and it's all over

i feel like i haven't met you yet
and i already let
you in
i already let you know

i'm a fool
only for you

i'm sorry
i'm a lot of things

like walking through a maze backward
i'm anticipating the turns,
i'm anticipating the end

we are all versions of our favorite people

we
extract
traits or quirks
from people we like
and repurpose them for ourselves

or

we are all copies of each other
because when it comes down to it
what really separates us from one another?
what makes you better than me?
race?
***?
wealth?

we are all copies of each other
we are all based off the same principal
we want to love
live
smile
laugh

we
shouldn't prevent each other from finding these things
we
should embrace and accept our differences
and to those who don't approve of a lifestyle
fake it till you make it

remember

don't prevent people from finding happiness
allow
people to find a light

someday you'll find yours too

one day you asked me to write a song
just for you and me
and gladly i did
in secrets the song hid
for it was only for you and me

we sang the song everyday
even in a one horse open sleigh
until the song got old
and every lyric was sold
and you asked me to write a new song

you asked me to rhyme with laura  
and i asked why
and you said my songs were so beautiful
you wanted to share one with your mother

so i wrote a song about laura
how she is as sweet as flora
and as i walking through the park
as it was about to get dark
and i heard the song about laura

and i looked to see if i'd be seeing you serenade your mother
but no, instead
a red head
was laying by your side
listening to the sweet melodies of my song

i decided to join in
to celebrate this girl who replaced me
and you were shocked
and said it's not
what you think it is

i didn't want to hear it
i didn't want to see
her lips touch yours
the photos of us were shoved into drawers

and to this day i think of your song
what joy it brought me
but it was replaced
with sin and disgrace

no more will i sing the song
because all along it didn't belong to me

S-
swelting sun making me sweat
sleeveless shirts are a staple in my closet
skimpy skirts stick closely to my body

U-
urban adventures with underrated friends
unique experiences that are unforgettable
unhappy mother as I arrive home at unfit hours

M-
mainly mall shopping with money i don't have
making my own way, i hate having a job
marking myself down for college courses

M-
muffintops are not part of my bikini body
mornings are the only time it's not blazing hot
math is not in my vocabulary

E-
eating excellent watermelon
easily drifting off to sleep
excited for this evening's events

R-
resting 'round the clock
running from responsibility
rules aren't referring to me

too much makeup
means i'm trying too hard
to little makeup
and i'm ugly
i can never be just right

i lose fifteen pounds
and i'm anorexic
i gain back 5 pounds
and i'm morbidly obese
i can never be just right

one solo cup of liquid at a party
and i'm a *****
two cups and i'm a drunk
i can never be just right

i wear a short dress i love to a party
and i'm asking for it
i wear a sweater to school
and i'm a bore
i can never be just right

i can never be just right

"...and with this, a new day begins.."
this speech i have been dreading
the day senior year ends
the day i leave my best friends
and start fresh again

next year we'll splatter
all across the country
only for some of us to meet again
when two of our high school friends wed

my boyfriend and i had to break up today
for i am traveling far far away
he has decided to stay here
in this town which is very dear

thinking these thoughts
water comes to my eyes
an ocean of tears
as i look at my peers

each one bringing up a bittersweet moment
some i will miss
some i will dismis from my mind
only to one day wish again
that i could be a freshman
and repeat it all over again

oh what i would give
senior year, i wish i could relive

hard hooves on soft dirt
his hooves pound the rhythm
to a song only we know
a song that i never wanted to end

one day
the hooves started beating out of time
and our song was distorted
the world went up in flames

no one could fix our melody
never again would we play in perfect harmony

like a picnic on pebbles
you held me close
and told me to remember this moment forever

like a picnic on pebbles,
the rocks left red marks on hands and legs
but i didn't care
because picnics on pebbles meant you and me

like the last picnic on pebbles,
i planned everything out
and waited
for you to appear
on our palace of stones
and you never did
and stone by stone
our palace fell apart

like last week
i saw our kingdom
rebuilt
except there was a new queen
i had no power over the picnics on pebbles

like picnics on pebbles
i brushed off the redmarks
and built a new palace
where i was queen

S -
sweet spring mornings
small sparrows singing
soft rain spiraling down

P-
packing for spring break
picnics on pebbles
parties with pizzaz

R-
realizing school is almost released
relaxing with reliable friends
romance in the rambunctious evenings

I-
interesting weather patterns
inviting iconic friends into your home
impossible things seem possible

N-
nothing compares to the warm spring days
nutritious berries are native to this time of year
nervous for finals

G-
good days with great friends
gorgeous dresses are good for prom
great last days of senior year

when i can't sleep
when i can't rest
i think about all of the darkness in my head
how much sunshine does it take to chase away a tornado?

i think about my real friends
how they shine light in my life
and the tornado slows down

i think about my fake friends
how they hurt me
how i have given my all to forget
and the tornado picks up

i think about my future
college, vet school
it's a good dream, great life
just not mine
do i please everyone else or myself?
the tornado plucks me off the ground

i think about what i'm afraid to admit i want
i want to go pro
i want to spend my winters in wellington
my summers in michigan
but that's selfish
i'm pleasing myself but not everyone else
the tornado flings me against the wall

i think about how i'm not good enough
how i probably will never be good sufficient
that i will not be one to live my fantasy
i can't hurt everyone in my life like that

i think about why i don't want to hurt others
but i'm perfectly okay with destroying myself

i think that this is scary
and i think about how i run from my problems
and i think about how i should just turn
and run into the tornado