I'm not going to sleep
because so far talking to you has been the best part of my day
and if i sleep now
tomorrow will be here quicker.

i give more than i receive
and i wonder if i deserve more.
but if meeting half way,
and giving less than i feel,
is how to gain equality in our love,
i don't want it.

i can't pretend there's no pit in my stomach
or tug on my heart
or smile on my face
whenever i see you.

no matter what i do,
i can't make your fire burn brighter,
harder
and hotter
for me.

so am i naive to stay
for the affection i receive
when it takes more than it gives?
or is that just love:
it's imperfect.
and i choose it,
him,
us,
every day.

i wonder what version of me lives in your mind
tell me what i look like through your eyes

it's as close as i can get

but seeing you
your smile
your eyes
just you

you rip through me
and the longing i feel makes my heart swell
and sink
down to the floor
and i need you here

it's not close enough

i've spent so much time in my bedroom
that i've memorised the walls.
i know every stain
every scratch
like the back of my hand
because it's become my new every day

i guess my physical presence
was the reminder of my existence
and now that it's gone
i'm no longer present in their thoughts
and so i'm left here
alone

it's so tiring,
this back and forth in my brain.

i want to be better.
i want to be content
just as i am.
i want to be able to exhale,
relax
and shut out the voices that tell me otherwise.
but they overpower me.

"my stomach looks good today",
"my legs aren't huge",
"i'm not ugly",
i try to say as my hands tell a different story.
grabbing at fat and skin,
trying to find any imperfection to prove me wrong.
and this is where the confusion starts:
looking in the mirror.

what do i look like?
how should i feel?
am i actually fat?
am i deluded to think i might not be?
i have no idea the answer to any of those questions
and millions just like them scream at me.
every minute.
every day.

if i am fat,
should i be trying to lose weight?
or should i try to accept how i look?

i try to be better,
to cope,
but i don't know which voice is right.
i don't know who to listen to.
and i'm trapped in this in between.

it's ******* exhausting so someone just tell me what to do

i crave your touch
and the safety of your arms around me,
engulfing me into your being,
surrounding me with your warmth
and encapsulating me in a moment with you.