I have a demon,
That lives inside of me.
He's been there so long,
That he's kinda like a family pet,
I couldn't get rid of him,
I'm too emotionally invested.
So I take him out for walks,
Feed him with blades,
And keep him calm,
At bay,
So that my pet demon doesn't take over,
And attack,
Like a rabid animal would.

Never give up on your prayers. Even if you've been praying for the same thing for the past 5 years, don't give up. They eventually do get answered in due time. That's what I went through and I felt like God wasn't listening or like He had gave up on me. No. He was just waiting for the full lesson to be taught.
For the person out there who might be struggling with their faith, you are most certainly not alone in this. My faith has been like a roller coaster and I just now feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.
I knew I needed change in my life, and I knew that change needed to happen before I would be secured in my faith. I gave up and gave it to God. I was trying to figure it all out on my own, and I didn't need to. Just lay the broken pieces at the Saviors feet!

Such a bad,
Sad,
And terrible thing...
When somebody says,
"Its great to finally see your smiling face."
Shes known me for years.
But she never sees it,
Because I'm never smiling.

These are the things that I wish for you-
I wish that you will always find a friend to lead you from the darkness, and into the light.
That you will find the strength to hold on and overcome.
That you find a way to smile, even when things seem to be doomed.
I wish that you find love in the arms of someone who loves you even more than I do.
That you learn to love yourself,
That you will find your path to happiness.
I wish that you will figure out who you are, and who you want to be.
That you are confident in yourself.
That people learn to love you just as much as I do, because you deserve it.

I drink so I don’t want to **** myself.
I drink to forget the day.
My sorrows are washed away with each sip I take
Of that magical nectar.
Sobriety is hard.
When the alcohol is like a siren
Calling out for just one more date
It’ll be the death of me one day
But at least it won’t hurt.

I asked you what you were doing
Because I wanted to **** myself
And I was looking for something
Anything
For a reason not to do it
I’m looking for a sign
But I can’t see through my own smoke
There’s blood on the floor
There’s bruises around my neck
Maybe those are the signs meant for me.

There's a man standing down behind the tree, maybe that's a face, maybe that's a leaf. I'm terrified of the dark.

Can you hear me?
Im screaming.
Fool, I need you,
Come back.
Remove those thoughts from your head.
Shut your mouth boy,
You're talking nonsense.
You're loved,
And wanted.
Boy you saved me.
And not only me,
But so many people,
And now its my time to save you.
Its my turn to be the hero,
My turn to be superman.
You can be the damsel in distress,
And I can be the one who takes you away from it all.
Honey just be quiet.
Sit back and relax.
Lets turn this nightmare into a fairy tale.

This nightmare,
Its reoccurring,
And never ending.
Its the kind that jerks you awake,
In the middle of the night,
From the deepest slumber you have ever felt.
Its panic.
Its like you were laying there,
Not asleep,
But dead,
And then you're shocked back to life,
And your heart starts violently pumping blood,
The juices that keep you alive.
But then once you're awake,
And alive again,
You'd expect the nightmare to be over...
Right?
No.
Its not over.
It follows you throughout the day,
And then enters and takes control again,
At night,
When you're at your weakest,
Most vulnerable point,
When you're asleep.
This nightmare has a name,
Its called life.

I lay awake at night
thank god for my life
and the stars for their light
I look to the morning star and pray
God give me strength to put down this knife
protect my girl, keep her safe and okay
this girl is my sin
One day to be my wife
the girl who I pray will let me in
so dear god, dear stars and the moon
protect my girl, let her get through this strife
keep her safe and okay so that I may see her soon.

You broke my heart,
Not once,
But over and over again.
Dont come crawling back,
And expect another chance,
Because I cant forgive you,
Not this time.

No one knows I skipped my shower last night because I was too depressed to get out of the bed,
that I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt like a dammed *****,
or that I took one look in the mirror and emptied the contents of my stomach last night.
No one knows that I'm not just the smart girl in the front of the class.

Im okay...  
      fine,
      alright,
      good,
      lying.

    not
Im ^ okay...

Being gay is not a choice,
Its who you are.
Would you tell a black person their skin is dark because they chose it?
Or that a little person is short because they chose just not to grow?
Is that would you would say to them?
No.
Then why would you tell a gay person its their choice to like the same ***?

Hi, this isn't a poem, and I apologize if that is what you expected.
I have had a couple of you guys messaging me, asking what happened, and why I haven't been posting like I used to.
Poetry is my outlet and way of expression. I don't have much to write about, and I'm not going to force a poem to make some of you happy.
I appreciate all the love and comments I have been receiving on the poems I have posted so far this year, but as time goes on, I have less time to write. College is crazy and a new chapter of my life is beginning.
I am by no means leaving Hello Poetry, however my writings will be sparse, saved for when I have a true story to share.

Your love for this girl has been noted,
processed and rejected.
Try again at another time.

Your love for this girl has be noted,
error in transmission.
Try again at another time.

Your love for this girl has been noted,
message failed,
Try again at another time.

Your hatred for this girl has been noted,
message sent.

Your apology for this girl has been noted,
processed and rejected.

Circuit overload.
Do not try again.

You are not physically sick.
--- Its anxiety making you sick.
You are not lazy, you are not pathetic.
--- Its depression whispering in your ear.
Everyone does not hate you.
--- You are just insecure and fear abandonment.

Reasons to stay alive:
1. It would hurt those close to me.
2. No more adventures.
3. I would miss graduating from college.
4. I would miss out on my future family.
5. Because I promised.

You can't just lock people out of your life every time something goes wrong. Instead, set your boundaries and discuss them with the people in your life. You can't get mad at people for crossing boundaries they didn't know where there to begin with.

Change does not come from a place of comfort.

You won't be sad for the rest of your life. Yes, there will be sad days, but there will also be happy ones. Live for the memories you have yet to make.

What do you do when you cant breathe and you cant eat and your sitting here with a blank stare, lifeless...?
Where do you go from there?
When theres no where to go...?

A pick here,
And a pick there,
Before I know it,
I'm bleeding,
Then there's a scab.

A spot on the floor,
I have to make it clean.

A hair out of place,
It has to be moved.

Books out of order,
Movies not alphabetized,
Shirts not color coded in the closet,
Shoes not put in a perfect line,
A messy binder...

These things drive me insane.
Simple things that normal people dont care about,
Or just look over,
A sentence not beginning with a capital letter,
Or not having any punctuation at the end.
They make me tick.

They say I have a thing called OCD.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
I don't have a disorder,
I just want things neat,
Organized,
And clean.

Is there something wrong with that?

"Are you gonna be ok?"
No.
I'm not.
I'm not ok,
And I dont think I will be for a long time.
I'm broken,
And crazy.
I need help,
I need somebody to reach out,
Grab me,
Hold me,
And never let me go,
But at the same time,
I dont want anyone near me.
Everyone needs to just go away.

One day,
I'll be old and crazy.
By then,
My body will have surely outlived my mind,
For petes sake,
Its half gone now.
But I'll still be writing.
Probably about how crazy the new technology is,
Or how many angry cats I must have had as a kid,
Because they left marks all over me.
Damnded cats.
At least by then,
My mind will be gone,
And I wont remember this time.
Ignorant and bliss.
Old and bat **** crazy.

I am an old soul
Stuck in the body of a teen
Trapped as who I am not.

Reincarnation
A belief of returning
Again and again.

Reincarnation
Is the one to blame for this
Odd "old soul syndrome".

Who was  I before
Peculiar faint memories
That never happened.

What if this belief
Is my imagination
Overactive mind.

Even at nearly 19 years old I have a hard time grasping at the reality of death.
Yes it happens to everyone, the thief in the night who claims the old and the sick as easy prey.
But when it comes to the death of a young person, my mind can't process it. They weren't old, or sick. They were healthy and laughing, and now they cease to exist.
I still have moments where I'll pick up my phone and go to text that young person.
The one that I feel like moved across country or just doesn't come around anymore.
It's hard to believe that it's been 3 years...
And even at almost 19 I still have a hard time grasping at the reality of your death.

I’m tired of writing poems about suicide. I want to write about the trees, how they dance in the wind, and how mother nature’s artistry shows through the leaves as autumn approaches. But it’s hard to write about the beauty of this world when every thought is consuming you, telling you to leave.

If you think that this is optional,
Then you are very mistaken my friend.
This is not optional.
I wish it was.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I didn't feel this way.
But I do.
And its not a disease.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Its just how I am.
I didn't choose to be this way,
But I'm working on it.
I'm working on accepting it.
And you telling me that its optional,
That isn't helping.
It makes me feel bad.
That maybe I'm the only one who has no choice.
No voice in the matter.
It makes me feel alone all over again.

I gave you my heart,
I poured my soul into those words,
But you're still going for the "other girl".
I guess what they say about Karma is right,
Shes truly a *****.

The question as humans we frequently ask,
Is where do our thoughts and memories,
Our energy,
That we've labeled as our soul,
Where do they go when our body is still,
Mute and lifeless?

Very few contemplate with much dedication on the religious viewpoint the question of,
Where did we come from?

Sure.
Someone might say that we evolved from single celled microorganisms.
Another might say that we came from the dust and that our soul is Gods breath thriving inside.

They take one of those answers or neither and go with it.

I see our bodies as a mathematical equation.
God being X
All things living being equal to Y.

The equation doesn't line up with X being the only factor to equal Y,
If so humans would be equal to God,
Which we are not.

The question is, what's the other variable?
The part that somehow takes energy jumping between the organic wiring in our brains,
To make a single human being.

I love you,
Oh so much.
But our love is forbidden,
Its a secret we must hide.
It tears me apart,
That I can only see you,
Kiss you,
Love you,
In secret.
I miss you.

We may not know why,
Or how,
Or anything about the life we were given,
Other than the obvious fact that it was given to us,
And its ours,
But it can easily be taken away,
By many unexpected things.
We have so much knowledge of it,
But so little understanding.
We take it for grated,
But we'll want it the most when its taken from us,
In our sleep,
Or on the way to school,
Never to be returned again.
Be thankful for what was given to you,
And dont dwell to terribly much on the little fact of not understanding,
Accept it,
Love it,
Cherish it.
Because while you're taking life for granted,
Somebody else is fighting for another breath,
And another,
They've just lost their war.
A war that you don't have to face,
Not yet.

I thought I was over her,
I thought I was done.
And then tonight,
I talked to her.
I'm so not over her.
Love is still there.

Another coat of paint won't rid theses walls of all the sin they've seen.

I have moments where I feel that my world is spinning out of control,
That I'm spinning down a hole,
But not to Wonderland.

The only thing that soothes my aching heart,
Is when we are not apart.
I feel a need to be back in her arms.

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden,
Now let your heart un-harden,
Before you again beg my pardon.

If only I could go back in time,
And tell that little 5 year old girl,
To take the other path.
To turn away from that girl,
And walk away.
Be normal.
Force herself to do what every other girl did.
Take the path of an easy and ok life,
Not the hard and happy one.

I'd tell that girl to run,
Run as far as she could,
Into the arms of the little neighbor boy who liked her,
Instead of making googly eyes at the cute blonde girl.

But I cant,
And I didn't.

I took the path of rainbows,
Punches,
*****,
And protest signs.

Enough is enough
I've been around the block one too many times
I shouldn't have came back this time
But for some reason
Here I stand
I'd **** myself
But I'd just come back all over again
I have a pattern of death
Dying at 18
A girl of 17 shouldn't fell older than the woman of 68 sitting beside of her
How many times do I have to come back
Why this time thrown in a batch of strangers
I screamed for 3 months after I was born because I knew this was wrong
In a loop of my own hell.

"Hey mom",
I say.
"Can you go get me another pencil sharpener?
Mine...
Umm,
It broke."
"Sure thing."
She says.
She comes back with a set of 12 small ones.
"You break yours all the time,"
She says,
"Will this do?"
"Thats perfect."
I say,
And I walk away to my room.
All this time,
I've been using led pencils.

A penny for your thoughts?
Oh please,
Whats going through your head?
No need to be sad,
It just needs to be said.
And maybe when you see the marks there on my wrist,
You might realize that you really will be missed.
Uh oh. Uh oh.

Its not worth it,
Take one step back.
Look at all the beauty around you.
Please put down that razor, that knife,
Dont go away, just continue with this life

You ask me why I'm so guarded,
Why I won't let you in,
And why I stayed in bed for three months after my 18th birthday.
Maybe you should be asking why my favorite movie is perks.

We love the things we relate with.

Why do we insist on smiling in all our pictures? We hide our emotions and thoughts behind our baring teeth while our eyes show the truth. We use social media as a virtual scrapbook. All we're doing is lying to our future , reminiscing over forgotten memories and "look how happy I was".  Its okay not to smile.

My poems are starting to become useless,
Old,
And worn out,
But yet they're brand new.
I've lost my inspiration.
I need a new muse.

What is poetry?
Poetry is more than just words.
Its more than letters on paper.
Its a persons soul.
They transfer their soul into words,
So that they can express themselves.
Its not stupid,
And it doesn't make them a *****.
It makes them beautiful.

The pretty,
Pretty,
Words.
On pretty,
Pretty,
Paper.
Thank you pretty little words.
It better than red ugly ones.

I am not black,
white,
hispanic,
or asian,
or anything else.
I am human.
My hair is not blonde,
or red,
or brown,
or white,
or gray.
It is just hair.
I am not male,
nor am I female,
gender has no meaning.
The cause of this thinking,
is simple and harsh.
You are a product of the 21st century,
who must label,
and name things.
Judge them,
then put them neatly away,
or dispose of them.
Am I wrong?
Dont be a product of the 21st century.
Be the factory that changes what it means,
to be  a product,
of the 21st century.

I made you promise me,
That you wouldn't get into it.
You made me promise you,
That I would stop.

You're important to me,
And I'm gonna keep that promise,
Do or die.

Why do I still change
her to him
In my writings?
Why am I ashamed to admit to the world
I'm in love
With a girl?

"Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"*

I consider myself a rational person
And as the label mentions
A rational person
Rationalizes.
I tend to get confused
The state of mind over matter
And question existence
And panic.
Thoughts invade
Conquer
And rule
My every member.
But within my panic
I stop
And pick up a book
And turn to
Proverbs
3:5
And like that
My mind rationalizes
Safeness
In my saviors arms.

Such irony.
I still wear that ring,
But its a ring with no meaning.
Purity.
What does that mean anymore,
To me?

Nine razors at access but
I only need one
To **** myself with.

Its an amazing thing,
Recovery is.
It's inspiring,
And strengthening,
But at the same time,
It tears you apart and you go through withdrawals.
But recovery is great,
Because it gets you away from the thing that's been hurting you.
Although,
The hardest,
And most terrible thing about recovery,
Is when you're not sure if you want to recover.