.
And I stumble on across the barren land,
the mist, like a shroud, about me swirls,
chipped flint rocks assault my bare feet,
an endless quarry of slate grey, my world.

So the curtain of sadness and submission falls,
covering my mind with an opaque funeral drape,
the hazy images of the isolated and desolate,
forming the features of depressions landscape.

Vaguely felt, the invasion of another waits,
blind and innocent in a palace of real fear,
set free to roam in a strange arid topography,
desperate times pause for vision to be clear.

A stark scene viewed through teardrops frozen,
by ice winds of piercing calamity and despair,
of a place exclusive to the disaffected and lonely,
the last retreat for an exhausted mind to repair.

And this is my world where the haunted party,
leave me be with my cold mists and grey stone,
the frozen tear for a souvenir means everything,
my special gift, the feeling of being utterly alone.



© Pagan Paul (24/01/18)

I.
the background noises in his head,
they make him wish he were dead,
make him afraid to tread,
an endless ****** red thread.

a tight-gripped gun,
a twisted kind of fun.
fueled by inferiority complex,
makes him grip a loaded gun of god-complex.

II.
reckless and unaware,
treading heavily into places no one could bear.
the trauma of countless no more
capitalized and embossed into his core.

a perfect villainous smile,
vile,
nailed into his metaphorically unbreakable cranium,
distorted invested repressed tantrum.

II b.
he is hell bent,
yet heavenly sent.
regretfully,
sadly.



III.
he just wants to fill the emptiness,
a validation of his worthiness.
his head is the seven seas of confusion,
with a room mirroring the worst reflection.

IV.
shotgun clacking,
a madman in the making,
unloaded,
“fire it!”
fired.

V.
a deafening heartbeat under his ribs,
poor souls forcefully reaped,
ghosting the veil,
who’s going to tell the tale?

VI.
“what have I done?”
a dropped empty god-complex shotgun.

VII.
one, two, three, four, five, six, sev-
before he guns himself.

in darkness
I left you
was when your heart was slow
instructed by the western strand
'gather your clothes and go.'

I missed you
this morning
we moved from where we strayed
slipping free of drunken vows
fevered flesh had made

your soft
small picture
commands me now to kneel
deny the gods I knew before
and drop this broken shield

I'll ask you
tomorrow
'please cut this tender thread.
it bleeds and binds my all to you,
your body, and your bed

that simple
small mercy
returns my broken life
where your kiss can never hurt me
Orion fades from sight'

I know how
you'll answer
'we are so lightly here,
It is in love that we are made,
in love we disappear'

too wise or
too simple
it's either black or white
unhealed, I'll tear at stitches
bleed out this fatal life

remember
years later
onto those soft lit eyes
your warm belly fluttered
in a melody of sighs
then drowsy, low rain
fell there so we'd float
and drift through the desert
in a little rowboat.

everyone knows that
concrete emotions can’t be
destroyed by laughter

Depression is smeared makeup mixed with tears
Depression is giving up on makeup and your appearance altogether
Depression is hiding behind a painted on smile that masks how you truly feel
Depression is losing the ability to love yourself, and then losing yourself
Depression is what takes over your heart, life and mind
Depression is being alone at 4 am and the only friend you have is the sharp silver thing hidden away from prying eyes
Depression is the satisfaction as the water becomes slowly tinted with crimson
Depression is the the darkness of your heart and the ruby red life leaking out of your wrist swirling together
Depression is wondering why your life has to be covered with the cloud of blackness
Depression is trying to hold on to that last bit of hope when you know, deep down, that there is none left
Depression is hiding in the bathroom and crying for no reason
Depression is feeling helpless when they take your blades and you resort to any form of pain you can get
Depression is needing that tangible feeling, because this **** isn't gonna just stay in your mind
Depression is feeling like everything is against you
Depression is feeling like nothing
Depression is feeling nothing

You ever feel inadequate? Like you'll never measure up to others point of view on a certain issue. Well welcome to being human, where above all things you cannot be flawed. Because flaws are viewed as vile things, things to be hidden instead of accepted and anyone who even slightly shows their flaws, they get bullied or hated upon for not being superhuman. And in no ways am I innocent, but after seeing a person being bullied for deciding too keep their innocence. I learned better than to discriminate by a person differences. I learned that our differences are our strengths and not our weaknesses. I learned that if you look beyond the skin, beyond the eyes and behind their grins. You'll see someone for what they are. Life goes on and so should you. Those people who are down-talking you for who you are, are the people who are scared of the people judging them for who they are. So instead of being themselves, they instead go with the flow of a society that has broken peoples hopes. But its not a lost hope to believe in people if you just show them how too cope. How too cope with the people who will want to destroy their goals, it is quite simple really. Take what they say, than look around at the people who have grown close. I can almost guarentee they will outnumber you with physical bodies, but in the end their friends will never hold them when they take anything more than an emotional blow. Your friends will, because they know you. The very real you.

Holá, "I never really feel a thing, I'm just kinda too frozen"
Only you, "you were the only one that ever came close."
Loving you is the best... "And another
Day goes by, So hold

Me tight or don't. Oh no, this isn't how our story
Ends." "I

Took too many hits off this memory,
I* need to come down."
Gonna love you forever and
Hold you
Tight no matter what!

"Oh na na na na na na na...."
"Realized I can't not be with you Or be just your friend."

Down to be with you and
Only you! You're the love of my life
"Na na na na,*" I'm never coming down from
This love!