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Mel Little Oct 2015
I miss you, okay? Even though it was my fault it ended and even though I want to punch you in your stupid face,
I also want to kiss your stupid face.
I'm so mad at everything and you and myself and fate and God
I just want to wrap myself in blankets
Or all of your stolen clothes..
And I want to not want to cry and I want to cry and **** I just.
Just ****.
Where are the words I need to explain what I'm feeling so that I can just deal with it?
Why can't I ******* deal with it?
I hate everything about this, every ******* moment I wish I could talk to you, every moment I know I can't. I can't.
Why can't I?
Mel Little May 2016
I count each movement as a small victory, each pain in my back and chest a triumph. I can hardly breathe and my chest is on fire but my God am I thankful for it.
I have created an infinity in what was once smaller than the dot on this i. A new universe in tiny fists no bigger than the scar on my knee. An other.
It is terrifying to know what power I hold, and what responsibility. My panic centers are always alive, my depression ebbing and flowing in tides unlike anything I can describe in mere human language.
But each movement, each new pain and new bump in the night, each ugly red fire mark on my skin, each heartburn...
Everything is worth it when I see your tiny black and white face in pictures.
In just three and a half months you will be in flesh.
I have created.
Mel Little Jun 2021
Sometimes I wonder what combination of materials created me.

What starburst and dust cloud and water and chemical reaction, what act of Gods put me here.

I wonder if maybe my dust cloud was a hair too dusty, and that’s what caused the never ending blackness of my soul during a panic attack.

I wonder if the water was a bit on the polluted side, and there came my depression, murky like a swamp, sticky and squelching as I argue myself out of it, again.

I wonder if the chemical reaction was just a little off, if some mineral didn’t quite align with some reactant and it created the starburst of ADHD, the consistent and never ending swirl in my brain that I have limited control over.

I wonder if the Bang from which I was created was more like a sputter, a car back firing as opposed to a rocket launching, good enough but not quite right.
Mel Little Mar 2024
Humans weren't meant to be alone
I know this in the empty pit of my soul,
I know it in the desperate ache in my chest
The burning in my eyes as I stare into the ever after

I fixate on it, so much, the empty darkness,
the last gasp of breath with no comfort,
the burning in my throat as I struggle to breathe
My one true fear is drowning in my own lungs.

But this, reaching for someone who isn't there,
who may never be there
This terrifying yearning to connect,
to feel like I won't ever ******* connect.
This is my damnation.
Mel Little Apr 2024
My body is not a burial ground for
someone else's wasted potential
and I really wish men would stop
assuming that it is.
Mel Little May 2024
I've been chasing the feeling of being alive for longer than I can remember being happy

And there are moments, of course, where I glimpse it,
Where the monotony of life doesn't drag me under in its endless depths
But it seems so fleeting lately, that it's hard to remember.

And I know, I know, I put all of this energy in seeking it in all the wrong places. I should probably got get on a ******* roller coaster or something,
Instead of riding...
This ******* downhill battle

But the funny thing is, I do love and value myself. It's not that I don't. It's not that I don't know my own worth.

It's just that the two sides of me are a double edged sword. And I'm always ******* myself up in the end,
It's just too sharp.

I say too much, I try too hard. I'm a ******* mess. And I probably always will be. I don't know how to put the mask back on anymore.
Mel Little Sep 2024
I don’t think I’m made for the life of settling down

Because the boys that treat me right don’t **** me right
And the ones that make my bones shake are ******* I wouldn’t let my cat befriend.

I think I’m meant for the streets.
Mel Little Jul 2015
I am spending far too much time thinking of her body on yours.
Thinking of the way she'll say your name when she's half asleep.
Thinking of how you'll grab her hips and how she'll bite your lips and...
I'm spending too much time thinking about all that I wasn't prepared to lose.
Thinking of the gamble I didn't take.
Thinking of how I'm a mess and she's undressed and you're...
I am spending far too much time thinking.
Mel Little May 2016
It does not make me sad that you have moved on, that her face is next to yours in pictures now.
Sometimes it surprises me; I remember the four years that she was me. It's almost a shockwave to see her where I used to be...
a little moment of confusion when I forget that that narrow joint under your shoulder is no longer my home
But I see your smile and it makes me smile still. There is no falling out of love, only changing the way you love. I have every amount of love for you, just hidden in different cavities, pushed back in memories, reserved for who I was then and not who I am now.
She is so beautiful, so alive, so in the moment with you that I am so thrilled that she has become me, that what was once a face I had memorized is hers to kiss now, that you have someone that cares so very much about you.
Isn't it nice to know that all of that practice we did together paid off? That us loving each other then taught us to love others so much better? That the holes that we once filled in each other's lives, triangles that should have been square, are now boxed in corner to corner with people who fit wrapped into us so much better.
It makes my heart full to know that you've found that happiness.
What a blessing that I can say that we are both finally happy apart.
Mel Little Nov 2023
I will never understand why I wasn't good enough for you

I cannot wrap my head around the fact that coming home to me was never your true dream
When I know I am someone's dream,
When I know that I wasn't always
Your worst
Nightmare

It's a struggle to look in the mirror, to be proud of the face and body I am forced to wear
When you choose that over this and never thought
Twice

I cannot truly fathom the depth of this betrayal
Cannot believe I held up the four walls around us, carved out our paths, let you exist in safety and love
To have the rug pulled out from under me again

I could never quite explain
Why I stayed, why I endured
Besides to say it was love that made me stupid
Faith and trust that made me shake my deepest fears, made me look the other way when the first signs of the ship sinking should have been
Enough.

I will never be able to shake the fear
That someone else will promise me the world, the sun, stars
That someone else will promise me they'll stay,
that someone else will try to love me
That this isn't how my story ends,
And that they too will break every last oath, pinky swears be ******,
And that I will never sleep soundly
Again.
Mel Little Apr 2024
The fulfilment of my teenage dreams, I couldn't have imagined a better lover
Until it was over

A scorching mark that leaves me breathless even still, love, or maybe just lust, burning brilliantly, blue instead of red

It was just too hot too touch
I'll always be too much

Fingertip trails glisten across every inch of my skin,
I couldn't have displaced myself any better,
Until I could

This will surely leave a mark, even still, or maybe just an impression, forever a memory, paint never dry

It's just too wet to touch
I'll always be too much
Mel Little May 2024
To the random man in my inbox

The ex that won't leave me the **** alone

And the dude I've very blatantly told no so many times it's not even funny:

My soul is somewhere on Scorpius, waiting patiently to be reborn.

Try again in a few lifetimes.
Mel Little Jul 2015
My heart is breaking.


               I pretend that I don't care.
I'm having a panic attack right now and I have no one.
Mel Little Mar 2024
I am not the woman men stay with,

I am just the woman men stay the night with.
Mel Little Jan 2016
One line means that your life will not change. That everything will continue to exist as it was before. That you'll be the same person that you were ten minutes ago. That everything is, and will continue to be, yours.
Two lines means absolute change. Means giving yourself completely up as a person. Means that you'll be new, different. Two lines means that nothing exists as it was before. That nothing belongs to just you anymore. That your life will be shared.

It was the only test I ever passed that I kind of wanted to fail.
Mel Little Jun 2024
I will probably always be a little ****** up

And unlovable

I didn't have good role models,
I learned love in the front seat of a truck
On back roads screaming to songs
That mirrored the beat of my heart against his

I learned love in toxic waste,
In hatred for myself
In anger for the world around me

I learned love in falsehoods
Drive by robbery
Bombs where poems should be

I learned love in the eyes of a child
Who never asked for any of this
Whose heart shatters the same way mine did
And I can't protect him either.

I learned love in protection
Building walls, building castles
I am not Rapunzel, my hair is not the key
Prince Charming does not exist

I'll probably always be a little ****** up

And unlovable.
Mel Little Jun 2024
I'm exhausted

Like, getting out of bed is something I regret
Like, my bones literally hurt along the edges of all of my joints and my back is on fire
Like, going to work fills me with a dread I can't even explain

I'm tired

Like, I didn't ******* ask to do this life alone
Like, I never wanted this life to begin with
Like, I sometimes want to just throw in the towel

And I'm ******* sad

All the time, always
I can't catch a break, no matter how much I work
I get so sick of watching people treat others like absolute ****
I get so upset when all that spews from people is hatred
Mel Little Jul 2024
I don't need you, I want you
And for me that's a lot
Figuring out I can stand on my own
Just fine
I don't need your help, I've got this
But I want you to lift heavy things for me
Anyway

I don't need you, I want to
Take care of you in a way
That no one ever has
Forever
To be the unwavering support you've
Given up on having
I promise

I don't need you, I want you
And not to take advantage of
To hold when you need holding
Space and time and
Your body
To cry when we need to cry
To laugh when we want to laugh

I don't need you, I want you
And not desperately,
But fleetingly

I want you to be happy
I need you to be happy
But I want you anyway
Mel Little Jul 2024
I see a lawn mower with a pull start that I’m just not strong enough to get myself the first time
Maybe I’ll just plant clover, since grass is an invasive species
A swing set that in a few years I will curse, because no one uses the **** thing anyway, but I cannot just give up the nostalgia

I see boys tennis shoes laying at my door as my son and his friends play video games, or soccer, or skateboard in the street, or hell even just hit each other with sticks, as boys will be boys after all.

I see a laundry room, a whole separate laundry room from the house, a room that has a place to actually fold the laundry before you deliver it to its home.

A bathtub that both knee and nip can be warm, a place to smoke a joint or drink a beer and forget that the day was stressful.

I wish for a loving partner, of course, but I’ll do this regardless.

I have simple dreams, sure. But they’re still dreams.
Mel Little Mar 2024
Just, you know,
How desperately I yearn for human connection
Or how impossible I think I am to love
Or how I find the best in absolutely everyone
Or how I'm out to heal every broken person I've ever touched

Or maybe how hands look like necklaces in just the right setting
Or how I yearn for someone to just take my breath away
Literally, figuratively, all of the above
How I wish to be claimed, marked

Or how the wild side of me tames in the mundane
And I loved being a wife, I just had a husband that never loved me
That I would lay the world open for the right man, that I would create a thousand universes and souls for the right man...

But no. We keep those things to ourselves.
Mel Little May 2024
You didn't call yesterday,
And you won't call this weekend
Because you're in her house all shacked up and cozy
Beating off to the god complex in your own head.

I hate you as much as I love you,
And it hurts too much to keep it in existence
Outside of this URL.

You know I'm the only person that you can even tell half the truth of the psychosis to. But in the end,
You can't love me like I need.
And we both need to be honest about this trainwreck before it comes off the rails.
Mel Little May 2024
Maybe you do not realize,
That I wish nothing more than to
Break down all your walls
Rip through the bricks you have around your heart
And hold you until you feel safe again.

Maybe you do not realize
that I am not the damsel in distress
I am the knight, riding in on a white horse to kick *** and take names
Ideally yours at the end of the journey

Maybe you do not realize
That for everyone that's hurt you,
I've been hurt too.
I know the shield you're carrying.
I want you to know you can put it down.

Maybe you do not realize
All I wanted out of this
Was you.
Mel Little Jun 2024
I know there is a world,
Somewhere in the timeline
Maybe not that far down the stack,
Where you and I are together.

And wouldn't it be beautiful,
A world where we could be ourselves
The secret weird people we can only be
Together, you and I are somewhere

Beautiful, serene, so safe from
Everyone, everywhere, all at once
The madness has always quieted
Whenever you and I are together

This is what I imagine in my
Wildest, most wishful dreams
Our success, the things we could make
If you and I were together
Mel Little Apr 2024
I want so much, much more than I deserve

I want your time, and your energy. More than you're willing to invest.

I want your opinions and your flirtations and your humor and your giggles and silly noises, not that I am even worthy.

You see, I want. I covet. I wish. If I could, I'd take without a second thought. But I cannot be that person, I am not that person.

So I want. And yet, that is still a sin.

So I burn, I writhe, I want, I need

my heart beats so fast whenever you're near me, my body temperature rises, my face flushes... of course I'll go to hell for this

I want to tell you how much I want you. But fear leaves the words ash in my mouth.
Mel Little Jul 2015
Day two and you tell me you love me. And I crave the words so bad that for a second I let them wash over me like it's reality.
But actually, you're just some tool.
But actually, you're not.

Where people use words like alcoholic and *******, I use words like healing and hurt. Too curious about a world that keeps burning you when you reach out the touch it.

I don't see this scary person that you warned me away from. But I see someone I relate to, someone I can easily speak my mind to. Someone who may just be in as much pain as I am but unable to admit it without metaphor.

I've never seen someone write that beautifully and hurt someone else.
Justin, tell me you hate creative people again
Mel Little Oct 2015
You made a poet fall in love with you
And expected her not to write sonnets about your eyes
Haikus about the way you kissed her in the moonlight
Expected the fire in her heart not to inspire couplets
You made a poet fall in love with you, and when you left
Expected her not to write pages about the ache in her chest
Write a soliloquy dedicated to her tears
Expected her not to feel every gut wrenching moment of the pen hitting paper like your words hit her in the most vulnerable places of her mind.
You made a poet fall in love with you, and you expected her to be silent.
That is no fault of hers.
Mel Little Jul 2015
I feel so much like you don't care
And I've lost myself deep somewhere
Between whispered lies and whispered truths
I guess ours was the love of youth

But to get you back is all I need
And if you'd give me a clue, give me a lead
I'd wander along, barefoot on broken glass
Just to feed you the questions I need to ask

You are what I want, what I most miss
So feed me your lies along with a kiss

— The End —