people lose things,
chances,
dreams,
love,
relationships,
each other,  
                                                        ­             and hope,
but what I lose most the time is myself,
not my outside-self, but my inside-self,
and people take intervals or forever
to get back what they lose,
and I wonder, whenever I'll take interval or forever,
to get back myself.

I lay spread out on 
My local shingle beach
Letting the pebbles 
Sift through my fingers
I consider the myriad
Shapes and forms they take.
The varying rust
Charcoal grey and mustard shades

I set myself a mission
In the multitudes
That the sea brings to my feet
I will find amongst the 
Copious cobbles
The ultimate pebble
Perfect and pleasingly
Quirky or smooth.

I become so absorbed by 
This sifting sorting 
Comforting process 
A simple quest
I forget myself
And my proximity to the waves 
Until i am splashed 
And soaked and 
Have to vow to take up
This valiant quest 
Another day.

Until then I have taken 
Home a few shortlisted
Candidates
And made a promise to stand up when
The winner is found
And make a little trumpet
Fanfare sound
And hold the stone aloft!

its a very slow build up
almost unnoticeable

throughout the day you feel off
it seems like you're putting more effort into everything
mentally that is

everything just seems harder
it not difficult
but there isn't any will

you notice you're faking a laugh
and staring off into space

and then it'll hit you

the smallest thing triggers it

maybe breaking a plate
cancelled plans
burning your finger

but sometimes there isn't a trigger at all
it's a tsunami tide that fills your whole body
and you wish you could push the sad away

but it claws its way into your heart
and muffles your brain

nothing is connecting
and all you can focus on
is the sadness
that is overwhelming you

crippling you into a ball on your bedroom floor

shaking your body in the shower

a sadness that you didn't see coming

because
you
don't
know
why

why you can't stop crying
why you're so sad
why your brain won't just work right!!

WHY can't I be happy?
why do I have to put an effort into being happy?

and for a second you understand suicide
because you could stop all of it

for good

Yes I fall in love too easy.
Yes I believe the person I barely met two days ago will be the one I've waited for my whole life.
Yes my mind is childish and I should give up my feelings, but I can't, its not that easy.

What do you expect from me? I never had a mothers touch I've never had a fathers discipline yet you expect me to know the way of love. Yet I simply cannot when the way of love never knew me.

I never asked for this life and I certainly never asked to be this way but what can I do? I'm sorry I never met anyone's standards even though they never met mines, I'm sorry I hate touching people because I never got a hug when I was younger, I'm sorry I can't keep promises that were never kept to me.

But you can't judge me because I never knew what I was getting myself into
You can't exclude me because I love someone based on their mind and not the
Their body. I am a different person, I grew up different I never had what a normal family had, But that doesn't make me any less than you are. We all have flaws but some decide to choose whether they want to fix theirs and others decide if they want to embrace theirs. Why can I?