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Do it afraid
Do it scared
Do it with scars
And cuts and bruises
Do it with blood on your hands
Do it with tears running down your face
Do it with pain in your chest
Do it hyperventilating
Do it with unsteady steps
Do it angry
Do it sad
Do it holding someone's hand
Do it with a scream
Or do it silent
Do it with your **** hands shaking
But do it.
Don't mistake fear for cowardice. And don't let that fear control you. Let it tell you "You are brave, and you can do this, even with your hands shaking."
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2015
I am a strong
Believer
In
Memories
Magic
Mystery
Mercy
Monsters
Marvels
­Miracles
Madmen
Malice
Marriage
Majesty
Masterpieces
Matchmaking
­And
Mayhem.
^-^
Marisa Lu Makil May 2017
I'm good-ish with words,
so I'll use them to say
That you're​ my best friend
In every single way.
You make me smile,
And tow me around
And you laugh at me
When I fall to the ground

But I guess it's okay,
That's what best friends do
And I have to say,
You are my muse,
You're my inspiration
The thoughts in my head
I pray for you daily
when I go to bed

You've been there for me,
I've been there for you,
We've argued and fought,
But we made it through.
God gave me your smile,
He gave me your laugh
He gave me your love, and
We never looked back.

I don't know too much,
But this much, I do,
I don't want to live
in a world without you.
God gave me your hugs
And your friendship to treasure
And this much I know:
I'll love you forever.

So here's to the laughs
And here's to the pain
Here's to the sun
And here's to the rain,
Here's to the smiles
On both our faces
Here's to the miles
In all of life's races

And here's to the God
Who pushed us together
Forming a bond
That will never sever
And here's to you,
Dearest of hearts
Here's to the ends
And here's to the starts

Here's to the coffees,
The rough, and the tough
The time I spend with you
Is never enough
Here's to a future
With you and with me,
I don't know what will happen
But I can't wait to see.

So here's to the loveliest,
The dearest and best,
Here's to the Skype calls
And getting no rest
I love you more than
All these words can say,
But here's to the love
That will always stay.
I love you, my unicorn-mermaid-panda-****-face-loving-superhero best friend. Here's to many more years of mischief.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2017
So here's goodbye to better days
When friends were not so far away.
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2016
I am not okay
not many can tell.

but the rain will still fall

I walk alone
somewhere far away from my afflictions
Tears drip from my cheeks
Onto the snow.

But the rain will still fall
The snow will melt

I cry myself to sleep.
I think this is all a nightmare.
soon I will wake up.
But I don't

But the rain will still fall
The snow will melt
And the grass will grow

A silent scream
erupts from my lips
I can't take this

But the rain will still fall
The snow will melt
And the grass will grow
The sun will come out

I'm not okay.
My heart
Hurts

But the rain will still fall
The snow will melt
And the grass will grow.
The sun will come out
And I'll get better.

I'll get better.
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2019
She tore me in two
Ripped my heart from my chest
Stole 20 years of my life
And yet
Seeing her now
Kneeling on the floor
Begging for me
Giving me everything I ever wanted
For all my life
Asking for me back
I guess what I'm asking is
If the illusion of
True
Love
Love that ties a cord
Under your ribs
And pulls and pulls
Until all you are is broken shards
Of a happily ever after
If all you would ever need
Lay at your feet
A mendicant
Would you go?
We are stronger than our weaknesses.
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2020
Even at my best
I'm never good enough
Few words often speak the loudest.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2022
Why is it
That the things
That make us feel
Or hurt
Most deeply
Are the things that we crave to relive?
Perhaps it's because we've spent so long Not feeling anything
Or feeling the wrong things
That even if
The feeling that we have is horrible
It's worth the purity
Of feeling it at all.
I read this book. I keep trying to think of words to say about it, but I guess I don't really know what to say. And I don't know why every time I think of the color blue, or the name kyle, or heartbreak, I can't get this picture out of my head that I've never even seen but that I've read over and over. You spend the entire book watching two people who you can so obviously tell are going to fall in love, and then at the end there's a twist so cruel that it felt like I was the person who is being destroyed. I can't get it out of my head. I don't know why. I guess it just doesn't seem fair that two people who are so perfectly matched two people who are so obviously in love, and who would have a romance as bright as the brightest sunrise, would end so bitterly. But they both knew that she needed to die in order for the rest of the world to live. I just had an epiphany of sorts. Jesus did that. He spent His 30 something years being kind, and healing, teaching. Then you find out that in order for everyone else to live, he needs to die. I guess the difference is that in the end you don't know that everything turns out okay. In the Bible you know that he rose again, that His death meant something. I don't think that hers did. I think that for a love that shone so bright as theirs did, it would have been worth the world in order for them to just be together and love each other. Maybe I'm just lonely, and it felt good to know that someone else is lonely too. Or maybe there's some deeper reason why I can't seem to get the picture out of my head of two people who would have loved each other endlessly deciding who has to **** one of them in order to save the rest of the world. Maybe I just wish that I had something that beautiful even if it had to be ruined so quickly after it started. Or, maybe there's no reason at all. Maybe I'm just tired and emotional, and I cry about silly things. I just don't know why it strikes me so much that even after these months I still think of it and it haunts my eyes and my mind. I don't know why. I've been trying to figure it out ever since I heard the last words of that book. And I tried to figure it out again this morning when I turn to the very last page and reread the scene again. Why is it that the things that make us feel or hurt most deeply are the things that we crave to relive? Perhaps it's because we've spent so long not feeling anything, or feeling the wrong things, even if the feeling that we have is horrible, it's worth the purity of feeling it all.
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2021
I dreamed one night
So long ago
Of oceans far away
I set a'sail
And found myself
In harsh and gloomy day

The fog rolled in
The water crashed
But he was by my side
A sweetest love
I'd never known
Drifting o'er the tide

He held my hand
Throughout the storm
And as we braved the sea,
I felt his life-light
Seep to mine,
He gave it willingly

A stranger here
Upon these tides
I knew not left or right
And many days
Had cruelly passed
Since we had seen the light

Oh wicked wind
Oh tumult'uous sea
Oh cold and dark embrace
Oh how we dreamed
Of sunshine lands
Far away from this place

I wished and hoped
For better days
The deluge drew me in
But still we dreamed
Of sunny skies
And sweet, warm summer wind

The waters crash
The sea it sprays
So angry at our laughter
And woke me then
To the bitter truth:
There are no happy afters.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
It's no use
In sharing the burden
When there's nothing to be done
For what's the point
In showing pictures
Of a broken past
When all one can do
Is watch the flames burn?
Some things
You just have to carry alone.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
I don't know what's happening
Anymore
Anymore
My mind
Against me
Like water on rock
Hot tears
Blinking
Down my cheeks
Fast beat of my aching heart
I want to go back
Or I want to die
I'm not sure which
Perhaps both
But I don't
Don't want
To be here
Anymore
Anymore
My soul is weary
I cannot feel
I cannot fight
I can't go on
Anymore
Anymore
For the first time
In a long time
I'm thinking
Of walking outside
Into the street
It would hurt for a moment
Then no more pain
Anymore
Anymore
I want to **** myself
But I haven't the courage
And I want someone
To know
How my mind
Is betraying me
But I don't
Don't want to tell
Anyone
So when they ask me
How I'm doing
I tell them I'm fine
Because I don't have the heart
To tell them
I don't want
To be alive
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore
It's happening again.
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2022
When I think of you
It's not about the mornings
Or the afternoons

When I think of you
I think of white lined paper
Writing love letters

When I think of you
I see the warm deep sunrise
Cool shades of colors

When I think of you
To think of what we could be
Makes me break inside

When I think of you
It makes me long for something
More than just kisses

When I think of you
I think of what you feel like
Parchment under hands

When I think of you
I wish I knew who you were

Because every stranger that passes on a busy street, every man who smiles at me, every person who offers to help me with my groceries, or holds the door... I wonder if it's you. And I don't know how much longer that I can handle the truth that no one is.
A collection of Haikus and the end of them is a bit of mad rambling because I couldn't hold the words in anymore.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2023
I guess the truth is
That I still can't believe
Anyone could want me enough
To save me from myself.
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2023
Kiss my mind and not my skin
Strip me slowly of the walls I've built
Take my hands
And push me up against the walls
Of my soul
And learn every inch
Of who I really am
Until you know me as intimately
As does the darkness
That surrounds me
And the resonance of your being
Drips from my mouth
Like pleas for mercy
Thought I'd try a different kind of poem. Inspired by a random picture I saw on pinterest.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2023
You never really loved me
But I've got blood on my hands
And you always did love the color red.
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2023
You tell me that you'd **** for me
But I know that if you did
You'd still find a way to blame me
For handing you the knife.
I think I might make a small series of "******" poems. I'm in a bad frame of mind, and I'm having a hard time handling it.
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2023
You are poison in my veins
And I can't stop saying yes
You would drag me down to hell
And I would bind myself to help you
I have a problem. I have many. One main sin that seems to keep coming back again and again. I keep telling myself that that's not who I am anymore, and it's no longer what I want, but the right situation comes along, and I willingly drown myself in the ****** taste of sin.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
She lost it

The one thing that made her happy

And she lost it.

She cries
Every
Night

For it

And starts funds

And cries for help

And writes poetry

And you have the audacity

To be bored

With her pain?

How dare you?

"Is she done yet"

"That is so last month"

"Like I would give money to a legal reject"

Help her.

Don't hate her.

Prey, help her poor soul
Can't you tell she's drowning?
To an unnamed women.
I care for you, and I pray that those who find your pain boring will know it themselves and weep for their cruelty.
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2019
Bittersweet pills
Sliding down
Useless
Like Apple bits
Coming back up
Another day
Of agony
But what do I fear more
Failure
Or success?

(Read caption)
11 years of no relief and I'd still rather be depressed than happy. I think a lot about who I would be if I were not sick. Every time someone gives me a new "obvious" medication, I'm excited and terrified that it will work and then I'll have to figure out who I am without my illness. I'm in constant pain, but at least it's constant. So few things are.
He twisted me
I don't know anymore
The truth is
I don't know anymore
What is safe
Or
What is a dangerous
I can't tell
Which people
Or things
Are right
Are safe
Are true
And what is wrong
And dangerous
And a lie
Places
Wandering hands
Unwelcome
Untoward
Untrue
Unloving
All of them
A mind game
A lie
Telling me
"It's okay"
It was never okay
And they ask me what's wrong
And am I alright
And they say how much I've changed
And "You didn't used to be this way"
But the truth is
That
I'm not here anymore
she isn't here anymore.
Fifteen years later
I'm not the little girl
You took advantage of
She's gone
She's not coming back
She died fifteen years ago
In that dim bedroom
Laying
Helpless
Beneath a heavier
Weight
And now
What has become my commonplace
Is not common in this place
Deep inside me
Sometimes
I think she's still in there
That little girl
11 years old
Whispering again and again
Through the tears
"He said it was okay
He said it was okay
He said it was okay"
I've thought long and hard about posting this. It's been sitting in my Drafts folder for months, being edited and changed here and there while I decide if I'mbrave enough to share it. I've been too afraid to post this, but I knew that one day, I would have the courage to let other people read it, because I'm healing. It's slow and hard and painful, but I'm healing. I am. I'm doing it with my hands shaking, but I'm doing it, and my eyes are open.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2019
You be my bones
I'll be your structure
You be my lungs
And I'll be your lover
There's nothing can take
What we've always had
I think of you night and day
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
We are the broken
We show our scars.
We adhere to society because they
Won't accept that we are different.

We are the broken beautiful.
We hide our scars.
We don't let anyone inside because
If we do, we won't be beautiful.

We are the broken beautiful.
We judge not because we have been judged.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
I remember you.
You made me love you
And then broke my heart.
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2017
It started slowly
The impending doom
Something I knew
Was coming soon
I could feel it washing over me
Like the cold harsh waves
Of the ocean
Before a storm
And it's bitter,
This pill of mine
Sometimes it goes down sideways
And there are days
When I can't breathe
Other days
It's a little better
And my future days
Seem a little bit
Brighter
But the more I live
And love
The more I realize
That
I am broken
And I am afraid
And I am afraid of my brokenness
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
He said he'd
Never noticed
How beautiful
My eyes were
When filled with tears.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
I know
You want me
I want you too
But it's hopeless
Fire and water
Cannot become one
The sky
And the ocean
Can never meet
Summer and winter
Know not each other's names
But I know yours
And my darling
Our souls
Have known each other
For a far longer time
All I want is to let him coax summer from my wintery lips.
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2015
I'm sorry I didn't know

You drew them everywhere.
On your wrists
Under your hair.

You drew away the pain
A little something
To keep you sane.

You drew away the tears
And held close
All your fears.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell.

You drew away the hell
I couldn't see
That you were hurt as well.

You drew away the hurt.
Covering your heart
In dirt.

Why didn't you tell me?

But you drew the butterflies...

Maybe you did tell me.
Maybe I just wasn't listening.
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2020
Hello
   "Sorry, I've been busy"
I know
   You've got no time for me
And oh
   How your absence hurts me
"Okay"
   "It's fine! Don't even worry!"

You break
   My heart when you don't text me
I know
   If I don't, you'll forget me
I see
   That you don't really love me
But god
   How you have destroyed me
C19
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2020
C19
Our earthly trials and hardships
May oft seem hard to bear
But the sun will rise
Blue be the skies
When we devote to prayer
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2015
I fall too fast
Crash too hard
Forgive to easy
And care too much
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2015
My life is a canvas all bumpy and plain.
Each time I do something, a strike will be made.
If, for instance, I do something cruel, or bad,
Come darkened, black colors to make me all sad.
But then, if I do something happy or nice,
Then comes the rainbow all lovely and bright.

My life is a canvas all bumpy and brown
Each time I step forward, I take a step down.
It's a wondr'ous burden, these colors of mine.
They oft' make me think of hurt and demise.
I try to withstand it the one way I can:
By topping more on-make others feel bad.

My life is a canvas and as you might see,
Doing more evil puts evil in me.
It roars and it bites more often than not
And my only comfort is a small bright spot.
I call him my comfort, my savior, my Lord.
He saved my dark canvas-he saved the whole world!

My life is a canvas and as you may see:
The evil tries to burn me up and take away the key.
The key-my Lord, my savior is always there for me.
Wheth'r dragons bring me down, or others drown me in the sea.
What will you do with your canvas and all your darkest blots?
I beg you to make room for the little bright spot.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
The misty walls
Of my shower
And cool hard glass
Of my foggy
Bathroom
Mirror
Know more secrets
From the tracing of my finger
Than I've
Ever
Said
Out
Loud.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2018
It was green
It was misty
My skin was cold
The road was twisty

Fog came up
And rain came down
And through the woods
Not a sound

Stuck in the rain,
My clothes worn thin
Goosebumps fled
Across my skin

Silence, peace
Like two old friends
They finally came
To me again

With each breath
That crossed my lips
And wind along
My fingertips

I seemed to lose
Myself some more
Upon that wet
And grassy floor

Then I awoke
In sun again
And said goodbye
To long lost friends

I said goodbye
To mist and Moore
And all the things
I thought so pure

I then turned back
To sinful strife
Hello again
To my old life
From a writing prompt I found.
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2018
I keep hearing
Everyone say
"Drop people
Who bring negativity
Into your life"
And that's all well and good

But everyone
Brings some kind
Of negativity into
Your life
And following
That rule
Will only make you
Lonely
And alone

And at the end of the day
True friendship
Is about
Forgiveness
And second chances
And ****** if I'm not going to give
All the love
Forgiveness
And second chances
I can

Because in reality
The only people that matter
Are the ones who do the same
To you
Give as many chances as you can, as much love as you can handle, and as much forgiveness as there is to give. You can always cut someone out another day, but once you do, there's no going back.
Marisa Lu Makil May 2018
There is nothing
So hard
So wounding
So frustrating
As realizing
That the pain
Will always be
There
It will never
Go away

There is nothing harder
Than coming
To know
That you will always
Be
Broken
You will always
Hurt
And the only
Thing you have
To look forward to
Are the small
Moments of sleep
That may come
When the exhaustion
Defeats
The pain
Never underestimate the pain and misery that comes with chronic Illness. It hurts. So much. And I don't know how much longer I can take this. My only motivation is that one day, Christ will come and I will live without pain.
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2020
I've got nothing left but crying
Been feeling like I'm dying
My eyes no longer drying
So I'll continue lying

So I hide behind my smile
And bode silent for awhile
And hope desperately this trial
Will pass versatile

Overhead as I hide
Crucified-Cast aside
Mystified and terrified
Of loneliness ahead
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2020
I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I have two voices
In my head
Interrupting each other
Telling me things
And I'm sorry
That I can't tell
Which one is telling the truth
Marisa Lu Makil Aug 2019
I always needed you more
Than you needed me
Wanted you more
It was like
I could feel you slipping
Between my fingers
And I'm sorry
That it made me
Jealous
And smothering
I miss you
But you're happy now
And that's all I really wanted
To someone I gave up: the bottom line is that I want you to be happy... Even if that means you're happy with someone else.
Marisa Lu Makil Apr 2015
I realized the other day
When I was cleaning the coffee ***
That that was your smell:
Coffee.

Coffee and cigarettes.
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2022
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
How
Long
Until
These
Trials
Are
Over?
It's been a long day, full of good friends and good memories. Why do I still feel this way?
Marisa Lu Makil May 2015
Come, come
To the gathering of winners
The one the world sees as sinners

Come, come
To the meeting of the living
Who love our God yet keep on sinning

Come, come
To the love of our Lord
Who across seas and skies had soared

Come, come
To the love of our father
Who's undying grace will always go farther

Come, come
Ye sinners and saints
You beautiful, broken, and you with stains

Come, come
To the Lord Jesus Christ
For He will always win the fight

"Come, come,
Lord Jesus" we cry
One day, He will, one day, we'll fly

"Come, come"
Say the saints to the dead
"The banquet is soon, and the  prince shall be wed!"

Come, come
My Christ and my king
I want with you forever to sing

Come, come
And your chariots bring
For we shall be ready, we shall, my king.

Come, come
To the gathering of winners
Though we be victorious, we are still sinners

Come, come
Oh come to the feast
Where we shall eat plenty and hear the great priest.

The Lord Jesus
Ate with us sinners
And took off our rags and made us the winners.

So come, come
To the table of winners
Who through the world's eyes may still be sinners

But come, come
For in the eyes of Jesus
We are no sinners-as jewels He sees us.
'And he who testifies to these things says "yes, I am coming quickly" amen. Cone Lord Jesus.'

Revelation 22:20

I eagerly await your arrival, my king and great Jehovah. But until then, I shall diligently and humbly spread your word to the ends of the earth.
Marisa Lu Makil Dec 2021
It wasn't a Forbidden Love or a flaming Romance; the years passed by and we
Didn't even see it at first. It was just
A muttering and musing of music,
But when we finally opened our eyes,
It was a burning wreck
Of pain and Circumstance.
Neither of us knew it was there
Until it was
And we wondered how for so long
We'd missed this soft watercolor sunset
But between the gray dawn or fiery twilight,
Still we chose the former.
Marisa Lu Makil Jan 2018
And at night
When the demons come a-calling
And the devil comes a-screaming
In my ear,
There is nowhere to turn
But the arms of a Savior
Who's loving arms
Are always near
Marisa Lu Makil Oct 2019
Sometimes
I'll drive down
Country roads
With the tall trees
Dips and curves in the pavement
Wind reaching through my hair
And the sun warm on my face
And
I can almost imagine
I'm home
It's so peaceful here. I still have many struggles, but God has granted me so much more peace in the last 3 months than I've had in a long time.
Marisa Lu Makil Feb 2019
//CUR-a-j//

Noun:

1. You are a brave mountain, a standing tower in a whirlwind. You are a small boy facing a giant, a yellow brilliance in the face of destruction.

2. You scream holy fearlessness at the abyss.

3. You have been to the eternal edge and stood in it's inky, anger. You have faced a deep and wicked disaster, and it has faced you. You have seen the bitter eternity and preached light to it's fury.
Trying another one. I am really truly afraid of someone I know. I shake when he's around. He truly terrifies me. "Courage is a small coal that you swallow."
Marisa Lu Makil Jun 2018
I am made
Of sea **** and
Salt
I have sea foam
In my veins
I feel the ebb
And the pull
Of the moon
With every beat
Of my heart
The waves
Press against my lungs
And I was born
For the salty sea air
I know its natural scent
More than I know
How to speak
I was taught
Each sense
By the ocean
I don't know land
I don't know how to
Stride
On the ground
The way I walk
On the water
I am a tsunami
Trapped in a pool
And I can hear the waves calling me home
Marisa Lu Makil Mar 2022
We long for presence
For someone to hold our hand
And make sure we are okay
To pull us to safety
When we feel our lives
Slipping
Like tethered rope
Through sweaty fingers
Torn between letting go
Dropping
Falling
Fearing
Fracturing
On the rocks below
Or daring to think
That maybe things will be okay
So you hold on to the rope
Hand shaking
Fingers gripping
Blood Dripping
Down injured
Weary
Hands
Holding hard to the heartfelt hope
That someone will save you from Drowning
When there was never anyone
At the other end of the rope
So You watch the videos
Drink and love
Hoping it will bring you back
From the clammy
Gray
You've been
buried in so long
We long for presence
Because that's what we need
Someone to hold the other end of the rope
Someone to give us life again
We need someone
To put their arm beneath us
And help us stand
"But mine is peace that flows from heaven and the strength in time of need I know my pain will not be wasted, Christ completes His work in me"
Marisa Lu Makil Nov 2020
I just wanted someone
Who makes no demands on me
                       He doesn't want me for my body
Or to make himself feel good
                He doesn't want me just to touch me
Or have me cook his dinner
Or show up at work functions
Or simply to be a husband
                    He doesn't want me for a moment
A week
A month
Or even a year
                                   He wants me for 20 years
50
60
                              He wants me to embrace me
And tell me I'm his
That's all I want
Someone who doesn't want me for my body
Or heart
But for my soul
Someone who wants me for the
Rest
      Of
         His
              Life
I'm having some old memories from my childhood resurface, and I'm having trouble feeling...safe...and I'm thankful that I finally found someone who doesn't want me for what I can give Him, because I can't offer Him anything more than what He already has. But thousands of years ago, before I was born or my parents, or their parents, He gave up His son's life for me. He doesn't want to own me as property, He doesn't want to hurt me, or use me, everything I could offer, He already has. And yet, when I'm alone, I can feel His arms around me. Not to touch me, or take anything from me, just to hold me and let me know I'm safe in His embrace. 😌
Marisa Lu Makil Jul 2015
Now I know
Why they call it a crush.

When you find out
They love someone else

It crushes you.
Just realized this.
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