I told myself to write forever so that you will find every word that I've included in my poems about you in every place you'll go. For the past few months, the air around me lingered with nothing more but the memory and essence of you. It haunted me for so long & I don't think I could ever get rid of your essence completely. Every night I struggle with the hand of guilt that chokes me and the only way for relief is for me to admit vocally that everything that happened between us was all my fault. There were countless nights that the image of you runs tirelessly in my brain, keeping it awake. And just like the poison that you are, you release the dangerous chemical that makes me believe that I'm not tired yet. I struggled to get you off of my system, I struggled so hard that I found myself at the edge of the rooftop. The things that I wish I had said echos in these four walls, bouncing back and forth but unlike the normal echo, the volume increases the more it hits my ears. For days, I did nothing but destroy my body because I thought I wasn't beautiful enough for you. It's always my fault, isn't it? I guessed I charged up too much negativity in me that it radiated out of my skin.

I've grown a friendship with the moon and the stars from the countless nights I spent hating myself. I hope the night lingers in your daylight and I hope the sun never bother to shine your way. I hope love and romance hurts so bad that you'll spend the rest of your night drowning in the thought that you'll always feel cold for the rest of life. And if someone did wrap their arms around you at night, I hope they'll be gone the next time the moon rise. I hope my words gets plastered at every wall you'll set yours eye upon and I hope each line chokes you until the only way out is to verbally admit that you were also wrong. I hope the clouds will never be in your favor and even if they did, I hope the sun while shine so bright that you'll finally see your wrongs. I hope love walks away and slams the door.

I write these stuff so you stop listening to only yourself. I write these stuff so you hurt and you learn. This is your torture.

You told me before that you were willing to give me anything I wanted. I told you tales about mysteries & unsolved history and my deep fascination of puzzles. I told you I love mysteries so you went ahead and became one. A jigsaw puzzle with confusing edges that doesn't seem to interlock with each other. And maybe that's enough proof that we were never really meant to intertwine. I became so reliant to people's words about me. You became a compound mixture of formulas and theories that wasn't suppose to mix together but somehow they did. They told me I was a fast thinker so why couldn't I understand you?

When I'm done drowning in my own tears, then that's the time when I'll give up on you. When I'm done picking all of the pieces that I had to rip from my skin just to swallow pages of encylopedias, then maybe that's when I'll cut all of the bridges that leads my feet back to you. But for now, I'll just continue burning the half of my heart that you hadn't taken.

I wish to take countless things back. I wish to take back all of the sonnets & haikus that I burned my fingers writing for you. I wish to take back all of the nights when I told you that I'll give you every piece of my self, you can take it all. And I wish to take back all of the burning stars that I heavily planted with the sore image of you. I never gave you an expiration date as to when you can have every piece of me and now you walk around mindless of the pieces of me that cling helplessly to your body. I never gave you a due date as to when I can get it all back. I take it all back.

they said that my collarbones
was a fascinating sight,
my bones looks as if they're dying to escape
like how words fall from my mouth.
so i avoided things that could fill me
and satisfied myself with the feeling of hollow.
maybe the one can effortlessly lift me
as we kiss in the pouring rain
and i would never have to squeeze lemons
into a fabric again.
my bones will form a sharp edge
preventing people from hurting me again
and someday, i will feel safe.

although there would be nights
of scratching my skins and biting my lips
until i can taste again - a sense i havent used in days.
there would be pain from the center
i will cry but they will stay.
because people only likes to touch beautiful & frail things.
the more ethereal you look,
the more they'll handle you with care
and thats the saddest truth i learned.

i will continue to make myself look like a stick
so maybe people will stick with me.

there is a hole in my tooth
but there is bigger one in my soul.
i will lay my head against my pillow again
longing, pleading that every breathing
wouldn't expand the hole within me.
every joke i have to ***** out of me
every laugh i have to hurt my ribs to execute
every smile i have to crack my skin to present
because they are only there when you're happy.
my academics will yell at me for marking it so slow
but how can i listen to the lectures
when the voices inside my head are louder than my teacher?
each moment of my life
i am accompanied with a screaming will to live, asking for its life
and i will realize that i'm the only one who is killing it.
it is difficult to help yourself
when your own murderer is you.
i will hate every moment
when i have to be alone
because alone means silence
and i can hear them more
i tug my hair hoping that with every pulled follicle
will vanish the ghost that lives in me.
it is hard to feel okay with people
when it is programmed in your brain
that every person has their bad side
and you are its trigger.
my world has completely turned black & white
no grey, no hue, nothing in between.
and here comes another day of
right first before left,
closing your stomach before it inflates,
joining the hateful voices in your head
i am my own murderer
and i will not cry until i drown myself in the ocean of my own pain.

They await for a certain wave to trigger the hammer that'll smash my body into a splat on the ground. It'll be a couple of days before they set me free but I'm afraid you'll come right before that day comes. I'm afraid you will **** me.

I grew up with the tales of crying in the rain, screaming "Come back, come back, come back!". I never liked the rain nor do I like screaming and that's why I never liked the idea of you. I always heard tales about floating in blue matter because of you. I never liked the color blue and that's why I never liked you. Those happened when you left and we can't always be right, right? I rather stay inside this box without your shock than to lay on the ground, scattering every bit of my ruins into the blue matter & drenched in rain.

The earth under my feet begins to quiver. You're not a radiation, as far as I could remember. But your lips radiate every energy inside this lonely box and I'm afraid the hammer is sensitive to touch. Under the city lights your eyes never shined so bright. It was a beautiful idea to coexist with someone like you. Your eyes are like the dots scattered into the night sky but just like those dots, upclose your eyes are a fiery ball of destruction. Your waves triggered rocks to fall into my fears & crush them.

The clock is fastly ticking and the hammer is slowly rising. I'm not quite sure if this is suppose to feel this way. All I know is that I am both dying to make you run away from me and both accepting my fall. I want the future, man do I want to live. But future would mean a box without your touch & you already contaminated me with your poison. I do not want future if you aren't here with me. You've developed a catastrophe in this box and you marked it yours.

But what can I do now? After all, love waves cause the most desruction and I can't run away anymore.