Glimpses of memories from a past life
Shadows of my yesterday hanging on my walls, like spiderwebs
The wild intoxicated air has faded away
My living room smells like ordinariness and spring now
Trying to catch old feelings, like a fever
What would I give to feel what I used to feel again

We were not just stars, we were a galaxy
The electric feeling, the heat, the rush
My dilated eyes, my dehydrated body moving and moving
And moving
The shaking fingers, the thirst, the mass oh the overwhelming mass of feelings
Feeling both excited and angry at the same time
Feeling it all, ever so intensely
Tasting love, hatred, rage and despair
My body was a boiling *** of sensations

It was raw and real
It was us, the big city and the night sky
It was us standing on the roof
We didn’t care if we will fall
We didn’t care if we will fly

We dived into the dark black night so deep we forgot about the concept of time and space
It was like ripping out the stars with our bare hands
It was like swallowing an ocean
Sometimes it was an attempt to drown
Sometimes we let the waves carry us away
Sometimes we became the waves

Now it is only me, sitting here, alone, in my living room
Trying to find purpose in zoom meetings, writing emails and harvesting my own chilies.
Not sure whether the pills make me numb
Or let me feel again
Because it’s all the same to me
The night sky is not black anymore, it’s grey
There are no more oceans to drown in anymore
I am wearing a life vest now
These pills are different
They don’t taste like life or energy
They taste like defeat and surrender

It was May when you passed over
From this life onto another
Dividing yours and mine into two seasons
warm summer nights with you
cold winter days alone
Taking with you my ability to feel
Taking with you my boldness
Taking with you my appetite

When someone leaves, what remains?
An “in memory of” on Facebook, a black-and-white profile picture, a last post with 360 likes, a music video
8 unread WhatsApp messages, 1 grey tick instead of 2 in a group chat
Nocturnal analysing of your social media accounts, finding truth in between your Instagram captions
Your last statement to the world, a peace emoji just above said music video
The question if this is what peace looked like for you
The question if it really was peaceful
The question what crossed your mind, 1 millisecond before the world before your eyes turned into a black void forever
The question when you thought about becoming a memory for the first time
The question when you thought about becoming a memory for the last time
The question where souls, if they exist, go when someone dies
The question what state of aggregation souls have
The question if you’re now air, soil or both
A cold shiver when I find the ad for your room, published 4 weeks ago. You were always looking ahead.
Your books and files meticulously arranged in one of the pictures, neat as a pin
The question how it must have had looked inside of you. Was it the chaos or were you tired of cleaning up? Did you have windows, could you see outside? When someone knocked, did you open? When did you realize the light switch? When did you decide to turn the lights off?
When someone leaves, what remains?
An empty room
Unread messages
People reacting with that crying emoji on all your posts
Memories
Things you’ve left undone
Anger, sympathy, maybe someday absolution
Anguish, fright
Thoughts about your family
Good reasons, bad reasons
Philosophy
Compassion
An obituary in the local newspaper
An iPhone with no battery
A voicemail leading directly into nothingness
An as good as new e-piano, only 5 weeks old
A rancid peace of butter in the back of your fridge
Administrative workload
An incomplete mission
Questions without answers.

sitting in my bathtub
lights dimmed low
in my hand a glass of wine
what if the water is my undoing?

it’s one of those days
on which I cannot grasp the concept
of a world without you
it’s one of those days
on which I realize
that my life has been separated
into two seasons -
warm summer nights with you
cold winter days alone.

I put my head under water
the wine glass still in my hand
trying to hold my breath a little longer than my lungs allow
imagining that I could become the water
imagining I could pour my body on the floor

And yet, my body wouldn't float
so I pour the wine into the water instead
it becomes red
and I realize
that wine
under water
will not float
but dissolve.

I could say I am sorry,
But I am not.
Because on the one hand it is a choice,
(But then again it isn’t.)
It’ll take me 3 months and 22 days,
a caloric deficit of 700,
7 hours of gymnastics a week,
half an apple instead of one,
skipping lunches three times a week,
discipline, motivation and strength,
but one day, I will be where I want to be.

I have a goal, a very specific number,
and as for now, it’s all just in my head,
and –actually- I’ve never really liked numbers ,
in school I always hated maths,
but - since I’ve started measuring every inch of happiness,
since I keep my feelings locked up in measuring cups,
I cannot imagine living without them anymore.
It feels good to have a goal again.

So, when I pinch my skin,
and cry myself to sleep at night over a *******,
when I hate myself for being myself,
I could say that I am sorry,
to me, to anyone.
But the truth is, I am not.
Not yet.
I still have a goal to finish.

I hate the sun today because I feel like she betrays me,
Clearing the snow, making the birds sing, shining brightly into my bedroom
While my body is raining tears like a waterfall and my chest feels heavy and grey
How can such a bad day be so beautiful?
I am angry at the weather because it’s been raining for weeks
And now that you’re gone the air is dry and humid again
I cannot grasp the irony of this.
All I wanted for you was just another beautiful day to live
No more dark clouds and ***** snow
Just one more ray of sunshine touching your face through the window
Just one more morning coffee on the balcony, mild spring temperatures and crocuses.
One more of our Sunday strolls without an umbrella
One more night with our summer bed sheets.
I want to close the windows and bury myself under pillows
I want the birds to shut up
I want the weather to act appropriately
I want you to be here again, because it’s such a beautiful day and I can’t take it alone.

I licked you cautiously with precision
Licked until your sharp edges were round and soft
Indulged in that millisecond, I let my mind wander off to the imagination of licking and actually swallowing you
Sweet imaginary drops of melted sticky sugary matter were dripping down my esophagus
You were dancing in my throat like a delicate ballerina
Tiptoeing, Floating.

Then reality hit in again and my tongue drawed back like it just touched a hot range
My esophagus felt clogged. Your pungent taste was burning holes into my throat-
So I used my fingers like a plunger to **** you out again.

I purged dark matter all over the white bathroom tiles
Tried to extinguish salty burning tears with stomach acid
You smelled sweet and savory at the same time.

I’m sorry for drowning the rest of you in the toilet.
But they say “nothing good ever lasts long enough” for a reason.
You see, love is a battlefield and I’m Napoleon.

It’s funny how seeing things from a different perspective can make such a difference
When you look out of the window of a plane and you can see your tiny house
And the city is no bigger than your thumb
And cars on the highway look like ants running from point A to point B
And people so tiny you can’t even see their faces
But then, when you’re back on the ground
You feel like a tiny insect yourself
In a city so big it eats you alive
In a house where the walls swallow you
On streets surrounded by people whose faces you cannot escape
On the subway when it turns from empty to crowded to empty to crowded again
When you look up to the bright yellow ceiling and imagine sunlight
When you get off at your station
And everything looks the same
Exactly like when you got on the train this morning
And like yesterday, and the day before
And how nothing will ever make this stairs look different
No matter what angle you’re looking at them from
Because when you’re on solid ground and not in the sky
Putting things in perspective is so much harder