For a fleeting 6 hours, the outside world melted away. And in that silence i strangely found that i scare myself, this intensity with which i love others. i throw everything i have and more into it. turn myself inside out. in some ways, it is my biggest strength and my worst vulnerability. even when one’s natural instinct is to withdraw and shut down, i'd rather pull them closer, and have them want my company. sit in your pain, alone if you must, but let me be close by. I’m not sure i fully comprehend the concept of space. I don’t much like silence. does that reek of desperation? Probably, but that has no bearing on me either. i fall in love deeply and loudly and unapologetically. does admitting love multiple times dilute the intensity? i am prouder of the people i love than they are, but in their sadness, i too am inconsolable. i will definitely send out an army to find you. what use is being loved if one is alone in their lows. anyways, i never make apologies for how i love and i hope the day never comes where i have to.

I kissed a girl with a broken smile;
nothing could come near.
She carved it with a pocket knife;
slit from ear to ear.
And she wears it like her favourite scarf;
it keeps her from the cold.
So I told her its only woven by
her enemies of old.

the wall
you asked me once 
why i let you in
when i had described it impenetrable ,
here , have your answer now
everyone , did the most
human thing a human can do ,
penetrated the wall
some walls are impenetrable
for some walls you have to ask
and you asked .
show me your scars
they distort your skin
and i will show you mine
i will run my fingers over them
kissing them as i go
i promise there won't be more
they matter to me but they don't
don't you see , i love you ?
words used to burst in my mouth
in praise of your ethereal self
but now all i do is look
falling deeper into the abyss
i want to fall in this abyss
i don't want to stop falling
just love me a little
let me rest in your lap
i don't ask for much
i will wipe your tears
just don't hurt me more
i have given you what was left
i promise i will stay .

Eating my beyond burger with a fork and knife,
drag race in the background,
my Samantha doll by my side.
This isn't loneliness anymore.
This is just life now.

I'm not very good with words anymore,
maybe I never was.
So little has changed and yet everything has.
I still long for love.
I still want to be wanted.
That might never change.

Yet now this lonely world is one I've come to accept,
come to love.
I may be my only friend here,
but that's one more than last year.

Nothing I create is good,
but I'm learning to create anyway.
I'm learning to share my bad art,
at least it's art.
Right?

I dream of slitting the throat of the dog next door.
Someone outta shut him up.
I used to think that was an evil thought,
now I know there's no such thing.

I turn 21 in 2 days.
Math. Yuck.
I'm old,
getting older every second.
Whatever.
I will grow into this skin,
I'm sure of it.
Maybe.

I'm grateful.
More than anything I am grateful for it all.
The pain,
the pleasure,
the guilt,
the anger.

Pills,
family,
friends,
dolls.

No one reads these except me.
So this one is for her.
For you.
Anne,
my love,
my villain,
my biggest fear.

May this year be kind to you,
may you be kind to it.
May you listen to your spirit guides,
may you accept what you never could.

Growth is sticky and wet,
Knowledge is thick and grey.
May you be the light and the darkness,
the cut and the band aid.

More than anything,
be okay.
You're gross,
in a sort of beautiful way.
May you be okay with that.
Truly.




Bad art is still art.
Right?
I think so.
For now.