time doesn’t pass in the blink of an eye
it passes in the length of a breath
a year trudges on like a deep inhale, slow and satisfying at first
but before you know it, a new year comes and you’re forced to exhale so quickly that you’re left gasping and wanting more

Thinking about the fact that the only time I was ever heard was when I was in the psych unit after my suicide attempt…and not a moment before nor after.

I felt at peace while in the crisis unit. Being there felt like the safe, comforting motherly hug I’d never received.

I was born alone and I will die alone. That is all I need to know.

Choking on the words I’ll never say

All the things I never said. All the things I never said. Spinning circles in my head. Spinning circles in my head.

How am I supposed to be a good mother when I’ve never known a good mother?

Opening the liquor cabinet and telling myself I’m only drinking all this alcohol so that my dad won’t.

The reasons why I’m still here are fading away more and more each day. Once they’re gone and I’ve seen as much of the world as I want, I’m out of here. There is no purpose to this existence. There never was and there never will be.

The curiosity of the future is not enough to overcome the devastation of today.

I tell myself I’m only pushing them away so that it will be easier on them when I’m gone. And I will be gone.

He will be the hardest to let go.

He deserves better than me. He always has. He deserves the world. Maybe someday he’ll forgive me. Maybe someday he’ll realize I did him a favor.

just because the star-
fish can grow its arms back does
not mean it didn't hurt.
______________

even though scars heal
and wounds fade it doesn't mean I
will forget the pain.

no one likes to think they're selfish. i've denied my selfishness for years, because being selfish would mean that all those people were on to something when they said "you remind me so much of your mom." my dad is going to die soon. my teenaged brother won't live to see 30. yet, all i can think about is how the hell I'M supposed to wake up tomorrow, knowing this.

i've come to greet bad news like an old friend. instead of crying about it, i immediately head towards the liquor cabinet.

i went to my friends baby shower the other day. she looked happy, so i tried my best to be happy for her. everyone made comments about how they couldn't wait to have their own kid and blah blah blah. but as i sat in her living room, surrounded by the hopeful, happy faces of the girls i grew up with, i realized that i will never ever be like them. i realized that i wish i could be.

the most selfish thing a parent can do to their child is bring them into a world like this.

i think being wise means being able to see things for what they are and see people for who they are, and i can't help but figure that's why the smartest people are the most depressed.

my favorite teacher from high school just died. of all the students she ever taught, she once claimed she liked me the most. i didn't go to her funeral. in fact, when i found out, i felt absolutely nothing at all.

i recently earned my degree. after 5 years full of (literally) blood, sweat, and tears, I finally earned my degree. but as i sat in my chair, waiting for my name to be called so i could cross the stage and shake hands with the dean, i felt so ******* disappointed in myself. even my therapist can't explain that one.

2/3 of the people i love most in this world most likely won't be here in 10 years. i want to go to sleep.

sometimes i feel so ******* trapped that it becomes hard to breathe. then i remind myself, "you're doing everything they said you're supposed to be doing", but all it does is make me hyperventilate harder.

i can't tell my mom i love her without wanting to die.

it's cliche, i know, but i've come to truly realize that all you have in this tragic world is yourself. the only person you have to live with is you. so if you hate yourself...well i guess your **** out of ******* luck. ha