Now that passion's embrace has left me cold.
I find I must stay away:
Deliberately, Intentionally....
With purpose and necessity.
Whenever I begin to cave in,
Lending an ear to those forgotten words.
All my hidden resolve departs.
Sweet betrayal,
How could I ever doubt?
My Dear, My Love, My Light...
Deceive me again.

I once grew a garden.
It withered and faded,
Everything except for the tree.
That sapling I couldn't pull from the ground.
It's roots, mottled, protruding from the earths surface.
It's branches bare:
Weathering another winter, alone.
With a sun that couldn't reach.

It's trunk was wide, and filled with holes.
I drilled them there to find its' true age.
For although I planted it there, just a few years ago,
It appeared to be there for ages,
Solemnly resting in the arid soil.

It was no longer my own.
Someone else tended to the matters of its health.
They nurtured it, they fed it, they pruned its' leaves.
But they couldn't hear the songs it made.
Among the branches, among the leaves,
along the trunk, and through the roots.
The markings left from long summer months.

I climbed and climbed,
but always fell back down.
How could it be mine? This tree?
I could not claim it as my own,
I could not feed it,
I could not climb it.
But,
I wanted it.

We made an oath:
I promised always to return to its plot to rest.
And it promised me,
A night that would never end.
I cut my wrist, and fed it my blood.
It's roots responded in turn,
Burgundy wine that dyed its soil.
Now we are like family.
It grows in me,
and I in it.

Now when you see me,
Know that you can hear this trees song.
It taught it to me, through many long nights.
We sing it the same.
So catch me in the meadows' grass,
Under a cloudy day,
Singing madly,
Heading the reapers call.

You have to give yourself permission.
You said that once, I remember it clearly.
I remember you saying that. Right in the middle of one of those many episodes I had.
You know,
One of those episodes where I sat at the table.
Shaking my leg,
Hunched over my journal.
You remember the one:
It's that journal I have that looks like an old Islamic prayer book.
Complete with geometric patterns embossed on the front, machine painted, with a lock on its side.
That lock, that doesn't really lock.
It keeps itself shut through intimidation.

You and the book have so much in common: maybe it's your sister.
Or something like your sister. Of the same blood, of the same mother, but maybe of different fathers.
That's not the point though. It doesn't really matter.
But I remember it well.
Even though it never actually happened.

Really, it was just part of a dream. Whether it was a dream I had during the day, or one at night like everyone else has at some point in their lives.
It  
Doesn't  
Matter.

It's just, I remember it well.
Like it actually happened.

Maybe by thinking about it this way...
It did.
Like telepathic communication, or reading my "energies", or something else that can't be proven beyond a feeling.
Maybe in this dream... You were there.
Not as an extension of my subconscious desire,
but like you were physically there.
My brain interpreting the electrical signals of you being right in front of me.
Kind of like your picture that shows up on my phone when you call.
Existing, but encased in memory, not reaching out.

But really, you couldn't have been there.
You were only present in these dreams.
Comforting me there, taking my hands, speaking softly into my ears.
In real life, I knew that was impossible.
You could see nothing, through my eyes.
You could never be that close for long.
I guess it hurt you in a way, I couldn't see. But,
I wanted you there.

But lets go back. Let's not get discouraged. Let me remember what you said in that dream, where one detail is always left out.
What was it you were saying? It seemed very important.
And I can't help but feel the memory I have, is counterfeit.
Because I'm a man, who questions my motives.
And you being there, seems so clear. Like it had to have happened.

So let's recap: there we were, in the car, staring at the city lights. Scriabin's Piano Sonata 6, blaring through the stereo. This scene always seems to cut out, right at this point. Your hand was gripping my own. Your fingers, lightly caressing my skin. My heart was racing, I looked at your eyes and said: "What's next?"
Your hand reached up, brushed my cheek. Our embrace moving closer and closer. Your hair, resting softly with my fingers moving through.

                                                                             (End Scene)
What am I giving myself permission for?
                                                                             (Silence)

Save your pleasantries for someone else.
Another innocent smile.
Another unexpected face.
Let them bask in the light,
Only to find the sun doesn't exist.

I have no more space in my heart,
For spontaneous gestures or overzealous words.
Take that love you fed me, and watch it implode.
You've harnessed the fission of a star.
Only to Supernova... Type 1A.

I've witnessed it all.
Forced it upon my eyes.
Believing that the truth was kept,
Secret through lies.

So tell me,
What am I missing?
As a human or just as a man?
Is it passion?
The thing that exists outside "me"?
I put it on the paper,
I don't wear it on my skin

I let words do the talking,
Without even a grin.
No, I'm much too secure.
Sure of my motives.
I know them thru and thru.
I'll never demote them.

Let me linger in solitude.
I'm never alone.
My sovereignty requires strength.
I won't be placed on your commode.

So, lean over and I'll whisper a secret to your ear.
Because without a whisper, you'll never hear.
The reason why I'll never change.
Because at the root, I'm never ashamed.
Just a little depressed.
Nothing more or less.

So carp all you want,
About your burdens and guilt.
I'll let the albatross fly from my sight.
Till it vanishes in the moonlit night

I did not
Hit the nail on it's head
To drive it in that far.
Oh wood! Forgive me!
I've ruined your face,
And watched you split in agony.

I can't count the number of times, the wind stopped me in my tracks.
The length of night that stretched out of my heart.
The number of times, I could not say goodbye.
I counted on so many things to signal your return.
Each time, the signs dwindled down, to what they are today.
It was never, the way you described; I found out,
unintentionally.
You'd call on a whim,
And miraculously, I'd be there.
Like the worn down music-box my grandmother kept.
My motor was wound, and I laid,
Always ready.

Even if I were blind,
I'd know you from the gentler notes.
The rate of your breath, the sound of your voice, the scent of your hair...
I didn't have the heart, to stay far enough away.
I wasn't a slave,
But, I couldn't call this freedom.

I was a poet, with a few words,
and a jar full of tears.
I'd carry them to town: every morning negotiating a fair price,
to those who'd pay.
They'd pay me in flowers, in kisses, and large bellowing laughs.
But my pockets were empty, my lips parched, my voice hoarse.
But I did have a smile. It spread from cheek to cheek.

My eyes would receive the light, and transpose it into something else.
Faces molded by a Gutenberg Press. Antiquarian, but lovely either way.
After a day or so, the ink would fade at an alarming rate.
Once red lips, now chapped and anguished.

Their arms, could not hold me.
I was already, very far away.
Now, I watched as tears fell, from eyes that weren't my own.
I watched, and felt a pain in my stomach.
Not the gut turning pain of guilt.
I was hungry!

But my pockets were still empty.
I spent it all (out of concern for my health), on a fake smile and an empty glass. But don't think it was all that sudden.
I was cold, I was alone, and I was drifting through a town I didn't know. I went back and forth with the angel in my heart, and the devil in my ***** for a whole 30 seconds, accepting the shame I knew you wouldn't feel.

Now, now, I know what you're thinking. This story deteriorated into one about me. But it hasn't. It's still about you. 100%.
So, I'm sure, one day, you'll read this letter.
You'll file it away with all the postcards I sent.
Maybe even loosely bind it in a folder, held together with rubber bands, stables and tape. Not with the notation "beautiful poems," nor "inspiring messages," and definitely not
"everlasting love."
You'll put a post-it note on top, and label it "Deranged, Obsessive Ramblings."
It'll float around, bouncing in between the chasm of your perfectly sculpted head, till one day you realize: "It couldn't be about 'Him'."

You see, my life had none of the adornments I mentioned.
It had no flowers, no kisses, and assuredly, no bellowing laughs.
But I can say,
I was really, quite hungry.

                                               The End.

What do I do?!?!?
Answer me!!!!
Don't leave me alone.
A nod of the head will suffice.
Should I smash the mirror?
The face that stares back in dissatisfaction?!
Do I blind the eyes,
So they can't look into my own?!
Do I take the lit candle,
place it beneath my face?
Burn my skin, shave my face,
Change my look entirely?
Hello?!

Why can't you answer...
You don't have the time, or is the answer too painful?
It doesn't matter.
I have braved many storms.
Faced the sea in defiance,
Bound my wounds in gauze,
and counted the time it takes the sun to set.
I can handle you.
You who ridicules, charms, then throws my smile away.

You can never run!
I know your secrets!
I know your name!
And someday, your taunts,
Will fall on deaf ears.
I'll look into the mirror,
And stare back,
At my own lustrous eyes!