if i can't live without you, then there's nothing left to do but die

blisters
slither
down my arm
like a pus-filled snake

boils
stick to my flesh
like barnacles
on a moldy
rotting
boat

pop
and squirt
infections
galore
disgust
is illogical
when dinner
is ready.

don't take a step
you'll set off the land mines
you're being too reckless
inside of your own mind
you're opening memories
you'd rather forget
you're alone and scared
your consciousness is a threat
you don't want to look into the past
your happiness so easily trashed
you're sick and tired
of standing alone
you're breathing in fear
all on your own
all these monsters
stuck in your head
whispers and phobias
that you should be dead
nightmares keep coming back
memories like a heart attack
you've lost so much
and now you'll lose more
the things you've done
behind a closed door
you've been given
a chance at redemption
but you didn't take it
confidence so thin
you're still afraid
i can tell
your life will stay
a living hell

I'm not going to lie to you
I love you
But
I know that's not enough
And it hurts
So bad
Im sorry

sometimes
i get tired of writing the same thing
but writing the same thing
is the only thing people seem to care about

i want to hurt you
but i want you back
i want to **** you
but i need you in my life

i want to watch you burn
have a heart attack
but i want to hold you
want to be your wife

i'm really mad
but i really love you, too
i'm really sad
and i miss you

i'm breaking
ground is shaking
why do i let you do this to me

I wish
my violet tears
would turn clear.

I wish
I could
feel without fear.

I wish
my words
would mean something to you.

I wish
you would say
"I think I kinda love you, too."

I wish
I knew
If I loved you or not.

I wish
the hurt
could be
forgot.

I wish
my hands
could trace your skin.

I wish
that you
didn't love him.

I wish
I knew
what I meant to you.

I wish
my wishes
would come true.

you should have been there
to hold me back
keep me from jumping
keep me on track
top of the building
wind in my hair
made a mistake
breathing in the air
got what i deserved
knew it when i hit the ground
but it still hurt
because you weren't around
you should have been there
before i made the cut
before i ended it all
should've trusted my gut
the color red
staining my eyes
visions of you
right before my demise
you should have been there
before i took the pills
swallowed them whole
one of many kills
rejecting my own body
choking on my spit
it'll be over soon
should've known this was it

what is this
this binding force
why is it here
to torment me, i suppose
leave me
i say
but it seems like the only ones who listen
to that demanding command
are the people i love

you loved me
what a lovely dream

i often dream of

Running away with you,
Under the stars.
Next to you.
All we would need is the both of us.
Wind in my hair, your hands, too.
And dandelions fly like velvet fireflies.
You would braid my hair as I fall asleep.

would you run away with me?

"am i a real poet?"

                                                       " is there such thing?"

i wish i meant something
to you
you know,
like how i used to

with a heavy heart he said:
"i never meant for it to go this way"

sitting in the rain
all on my own
thinking of you
and love we used to own
your lips on my neck
the things i remember
tears stream down my face
as i think of forever
i thought we'd have it
guess i was wrong
i want you back
can't be strong
you were the place i belonged to
the wish i always made
the one i'd sing my song to
and the one i always played
i miss you
i'm not lying
my hope
is slowly dying
i wish i could get back to you
wish you'd say you love me too
your smile
on my brain
love
like a stain
need you back
i can't let go
but i know the truth
i'll be alone

I wish I could create something beautiful

I wish I could feel okay

I wish I could be loved

I wish I could be happy

I wish I could breathe

i was there for you
when your tears took over
but now your not here
while my fears take over
my head
my heart
and it's tearing me apart

you know that i love you
now what

you don't love me
and it should be easy to accept
but when you love someone for so long
and when you've been through so much with someone
and then they just
forget it
it really
really
hurts.
even with all the ****** things you've said
i still love you
i shouldn't
but i do
i just want things to go back to the way they used to be
but they won't
i don't think they can
everything about you
is just perfect
except
the part where
i'm never going to be good enough for you

I could look at you
All day
Your pretty blue eyes
Dark curly hair
And that dripping-with-sweetness smile
The way you trace your lips with your pencil
All I ever wanted
In one body

and it hurts
and i dont know what i did wrong
did i do anything wrong?
of course i did
because im stupid
and selfish
and
stop
stop
stop
you're not
i mean
im not
but neither are you
im sorry
i want you to be happy

I'm going to be a little sad
But I'll have to let you go
I wanted to stay here with you
But I had to let you know
I loved you
I lost you
And now you've gone away
I needed you
I needed to
But you never stay
It might hurt a little
And I hate to see you go
But you hurt me to much to love you
And I had to let you go

The boy he loves is beautiful
With pretty brown eyes
And long soft eyelashes
The boy he loves has a bright sparkly smile
He's tall and strong and has soft caramel hair
The boy he loves is funny and loved
The girl I am is boring
With basic green-blue eyes
and lashes short and average
The girl I am has a stupid cheesy smile
She's scared and weak and has boring ***** blonde hair
The girl I am is not-enough and lonely.
The boy I love doesn't love me
Though my love for him is bigger than the sea

everyone says they need me.
but they always leave me.
please don’t go
im so alone.
i need someone to hold onto.
i need someone to sing my song to.
you’re all I want.
you’re all I need.
you’re all I beg.
you’re all I plead.
please don’t leave.

I want to walk with you

Until everything’s gone

The scent of lavender

After my heart was drawn.

Covered in your name

And misty clouds.

The touch of your hands,

Lips on my skin.

It takes me a while

To sink it all in.

My blood is blue

My love is red

Thoughts of you float

In circles in my head.

Butterflies are restless,

No words left to say.

Nothing but thoughts of you,

left in my brain.

If I die,

Then darling stay awake.

Don’t forget me,

I wanted to give you all the love you could take.

there's something different
about that girl
that makes me smile.
the crazy way
she talks
and looks around.
the way she draws
her silly imaginings
on my hands
and my fingers
and my ankles.
and the way she laughs
always make me smile
in a way
that nothing else can.

To tell the truth
Living was a curse
I always thought
It couldn’t get worse
But then laid my eyes
On the most beautiful thing
Had know idea
What he would bring
He brought color and flowers
And fireflies and stars
And suddenly I wished
For a world that was ours
Saw him when I closed my eyes
And every time, I smiled
I grew up too fast
But I could finally be a child
I could safely fall in love
Without being afraid
Something I could touch
Without being afraid
I can breathe in sweet air
Without having to hold it in
I don’t have to feel
Like I don’t belong in my skin
When I finally realized
I had all I needed
It came to me
When I thought of what we did
All those days
We spent together
Tied me up
And I was tethered
To you

Scared of the dark
Locked in the basement
Climbing to the top stair
Only to be pushed to the bottom
Locked in my room
Can barely reach the doorknob
A small hungry girl
Sobbing and snotting
No supper again tonight
Or eat off the dogs
Trying to take care of my little brother
Forced to watch him eat my chapstick
It wasn't his fault
Brain not fully formed
Taken from my mother
A foster home was supposed to be better
Watching with tear-filled eyes
As they cut off my doll's hair
Can't stop shaking
Getting punished for it
They took my brother from me
Can't see him anymore
I still cry about it sometimes

He’s coming for you
And he’s coming for me.
He’s coming by air, by land or by sea.
Hide if  you must, he’ll find you too.
You can hold your breath until your face turns blue.
But he will still be coming.
You can run and run as fast as you can.
You can move to a very distant land.
You could make yourself an army, an army of man.
But he’s still coming.
You could try to go back to a different time,
You could try to go crazy, or lose your mind.
No matter what you do, no matter where you hide.
He’s still coming.

It's new,
This
Self harm thing
But I feel like I've done it forever
It feels like
An old friend
Filling me with p o I s o n

white
and red
blood
and snow
clouds
and her
red
converse.

tired
and weary
eyes
bleary
fire
yearned
lessons
never learned.

world
of cold
freezing her soul
frost covering her skin.
she doesn't want
to let the shadows in

darkness threatens
red pouring
from her calves
staining her red converse
with red
redder than
her
frostbitten face

i like the quiet.
the kind of quiet
with the bubbling of the water
and the song of birds
and the sound of your pencil
as you draw your dreams.

I built myself a garden
I locked myself inside
All the flowers smelled like you
Until they released their pollen
And it clung to my lungs
Mucous lining my throat
Keeping me from breathing
When the blooms became overgrown
The vines creeped up my legs
Wrapping around my waist
And as the thorns hooked themselves beneath my skin
Poison flowing through them into my veins
Like an IV of pain and suffering
They pulled me around that god forsaken garden
Like a marionette of flesh, blood, and reluctant willingness
I remember the bees buzzing your name
Cheerfully at first
And then the droning became painful
Until my ears oozed
And my brain felt as if it would spill out from them
And when it did
It fell into a pile beside me
And it grew into tree
Releasing a new kind of oxygen
That clouded my judgement
I became addicted
I fell in love with being used
I fell in love with being blind
I fell in love with being broken down
I fell in love with the pain.
And when summer ended
And autumn began
The flowers shriveled
And suddenly I could breathe
And the bees returned to their hive to sleep
And suddenly I could hear my own cries for help
And the vines loosened
And the fruit the tree bore fell
And when I took a bite
It seemed to travel to my skull
And replaced the hole where my brain used to be
And
And suddenly I could think.
Suddenly I could understand
This wasn't love.
It isn't love.
So I ripped open my ribcage
And I tore into my heart
And pulled out a key
Covered in sinew and blood and fragments of the bones that grew a shell around it
And I unlocked that ****** gate
That had grown so small
I crawled through
And walked away
But after some time
The garden called to me
And when I returned,
Stupid stupid me,
I was reluctant
But the flowers smelled sweeter
And the bees were singing softly
And tree was in bloom
And the petals gently kissed the grass
And I let myself be consumed once again
But this time I had armed myself
And when the vines extended themselves towards my limbs
And the bees screamed angrily
And the flowers on the tree began to rot and die
I pulled out my weapon
I lit a match with the fire that was started within me
And I threw it into the center of the garden
And I burned that ******* to the ground.

Poem

Je t'aime.
Je t'aime mille fois.
Je t'aime mille ans.
Je t'aime de mille manières.
Est-ce que tu m'aimes?

I mean nothing to you, do I?
Wait
I might be overreacting
Maybe?
I don't even love you like that
So why do I want you to hold me
Doesn't matter I guess
Cause I don't mean **** to you
I can try
But I'll never be good enough
Not for me
Not for you
Not for anyone
I'm never going to be happy

no one else gets to love you
no one else gets to touch you
darling, i'll do that to you

i'll wanna taste you so ******* bad
don't ask me what for
i just wanna love you
remember more and more

when we used to be bad
used to be brave
but honey don't worry that's okay

baby you're mine
darling i'm yours
i love you so ******* much
don't ask what for

no one else gets to have a taste of you

i have so many words to say about you
but i dont know how to put them all together

my boyfriend
was a tree.
you may wonder why.
i remember
snow
ecstatic
bright
cold.
i hugged a tree.
i suppose that
it is because i am odd.
but
it was warm.
oddly warm,
for a tree.
but warm, nonetheless.
i like to sit by him.
even though we broke up,
weŕe still friends.

Im kinda sad
It feels so bad
Im kinda lonely
I know im not lovely
I want to be happy
I want to be okay
I want to feel like
I want to see the next day

i work hard,
but nothing ever happens

I love him
I love him not
I found him
For love I sought
Air I breathe
Song I sing
I do it all for you
Don't know how
Don't know why
But I hope you love me too

i would die for you
i would lie for you
i would **** for you
i would take the pill for you
i would start a war for you  
i would never take more than you
i would spill my blood for you
i would mop it up for you
i would breath in the smoke for you
i would make someone choke for you
i would burn for you  
i would make heads turn for you  
i would commit a crime for you  
i would end time for you
i would give my light to you
i would start a fight for you
i would **** the sky for you
i would always try for you
i would break the earth for you
i would prove my worth to you  
i would steal a bird’s song for you  
i would prove they’re all wrong for you
i would make a storm for you
i would make your dreams take form for you
i would make mountains fall for you
i would give it all for you
i would give my soul for you
i would walk on burning coal for you
i would give myself scars for you
i would catch the stars for you
i would empty the ocean for you
i would admit I’m alone for you

It hurts
But I gotta do it
I don't know why
But hurting myself
Is
Inevitable

*******

i'd like to say i'm losing hope
but that's not true
i'll always keep hoping
so it'll hurt forever

i have
a sort of darkness
not in me, of course.
i feel like, it follows me.
when i am walking
i have to turn around.
when i am
washing
and water rushes down my flesh
i want to open my eyes
despite the promise of burning.
paranoia,
follows me.
like
an invisible shadow.
but
when you are here,
or you fill my thoughts
you are like
a sort of sun
that chases away the shadow.
you make me smile,
when i walk alone
in anticipation
of seeing you.
and when
water runs on my flesh.
you make me feel safe.

"poor boy,"
she said
the girl inside my head

"a broken toy,"
she claimed
the person inside my brain

"no,"
i told her
my voice almost a slur

"he's not yours"
i breathed
in which a response she seethed

"he'll always be nothing, if not mine"
she screeched
******* the life from me like a leech

"never"
i said with a final breath
taking her with me to our death