what do you call
that feeling
when youre cold and you go outside into the warm sun?
when you finally lay in bed after a long day?
when you hear an old song and you still remember all the words?

i go back to the day when i felt like it would be my last
when i thought i would stop breathing
until you dragged me out of the ocean-
coughing out what was left
of my heart
cut up little ****** pieces
mangled by a love i thought i deserved
and ridiculously,
i felt hope
it was the first time i realized
that the waves weren't such a bad thing
and if i went with them
i would get to a place better than where they took me from

you are my warm sun
you are my bed
you are the song stuck in my head

i still remember
when you asked me
"where have you been all my life?"
and in that moment
i knew
the word swam around my head
it was beating against the inside of my skull
like the screamo band
playing on the stage
of the ***** little bar
where i accidentally
mentally
tied myself
to you
aquarius

i had never headbanged
in my life
and i will never again
because i am nothing to you
nothing but a summer fling
nothing but a rebel cause
i don't want to be your rebel cause
i don't want to be the reason
your mother can't sleep at night
i will never be anything more
than a war you chose to fight
i woke up with my neck sore
i should have known the first time
i had a dream where you were choking me
i clearly was too blind you see

when was the last time
you had that feeling in your gut?
i asked you why
you always kept your pages shut
but never thought to close mine

it's hard to feel anything
but this hole that you left me
and the thoughts that sting
even when i don't think of you
because everything reminds me its true
i thought i was okay
until i saw your cigarettes in my trash can
i didn't feel insane
until i found your shirt under my mess
i hadn't cried for two whole hours
picture that and nothing less
i remembered when that bed was ours
and that was the only place you'd confess

i wonder if things are the same for you
i wonder if you can stand to hear the music you polluted my life with
can you hear me screaming ******
behind the melody line?
i can't even stand my own skin
impossible
your hands have been on it
and my mouth
you used to swear it was the only thing that existed

unfortunate
that i am not
nor will be
the only one
that fell into your flame
and lost at your game

you are the only one
that could make a puddle
feel like an ocean
in the best and worst ways possible

you make me feel
like you tore off
a part of my own body
****** walls
****** floors
it rains
but not water
you're laughing
and i'm screaming
and you're in love
and i'm falling
you're happy
and i am dying

i am no longer in a puddle
of my own blood
i am in an ocean
of the memories of you
and the moisture between your thighs

you said it yourself
this is why storms are named after people

*******.

you've heard the story
of the boy who cried wolf
i cried wolf once
it was desperate
and i didn't see a wolf
but i wanted to see
so badly
i thought i did
soon the wolf
disappeared
and i was left alone
with an ominous feeling,
like i had just witnessed
a death;
the realization
of what i was sure
never to feel again

now,
with the certainty
of everything in space
and time
and perhaps even causality
i can say
i feel it again
the mental
connectivity
the emotional
simplicity
the spiritual
synchronicity
i saw the wolf

or am i wrong?
do i misread you
like i misread her?
is this another hit-and-run?
i am cautious;
i have no trust
like the ocean
has no floor

or does it?
you see
it is not easy
to play
with those who's stitches
are fresh;
they are wary
but it is true
when they say
you never happen
to bump into your wound
until  you know it's there

it's a good thing
i haven't cried
my third "wolf" yet

sometimes the truth
hurts more
than a irreparable bone
and love
hurts more
than a bleeding stab wound
and honesty
feels like a battery acid
fighting through
substance
like it's a factory job

they say
love is blind
but they don't tell you
love is also
stupid
dumber
than its cousin
hope
and doesn't learn from its mistakes
and never deserves what it gets
and love
sometimes
wishes it was dead
for being
the eighth wonder
of the natural world
and causing
all the good things
but also all the bad ones
yet what we seem to forget
is that the earth will
keep spinning
and the sun will
keep rising
and the moon will
keep waxing
and people
will keep being happy
without this bittersweet curse
and the phrase
"it is better to have
loved and lost
than to never have
loved at all"
will not exist
and will not be
the anthem of every person
who has ever been hurt
because these are universal
l i e s

in some cases
ignorance is bliss
when it comes
to love
ignorance is ecstasy
and your hands
are electricity
your mouth
is shimmering heaven
where gods enjoy paradise
and my actions
are the seventh circle
of dante's inferno
and the universe
joyfully condemns me
for my sins
-and i deserve it-
to the smell and sting and ugly sight
of burning flesh
for as long as this
hate
called love
exists
because
why
why
should i enjoy
anything less?

the ground
it already opened up
and swallowed me because
i am
the essence
of pure evil
i am being reclaimed
the heavens open up
and receive you
because you are
the reward;
the muslim's seventy-two virgins
the christian's gold-trimmed palace
the pagan's summerland
the hindu's nirvana
for every being
who did
what they were supposed to
unlike
me
i am ****

you are spilt gasoline
and i am a match
you are my warm bed
and i am
the moment
when you are falling
and you can't see the ground
the ground that swallowed me

i found a book in the garden this morning
the cover boasted two letters-
a bold font
and messy handwriting
like a child trying to prove
that he knew what he was saying-
"us"

the roses thorns cut me when i dug for it
but the blood
shone like smiling rubies
and it didn't hurt
and the earth
under my fingernails
smelled like youth

i found dried red dots
on the first page of the chapter entitled
"where have you been all my life"
and i noticed i wasn't the only one
who felt this way

they called me
queen of the roads
because i knew
every street
in the city
every avenue
every shortcut

they'd tell me
"here's the address"
and i'd get there
as if i'd driven the route
every
****
day

i had never been lost before
i always knew where to go
queen of the roads
but she didn't know
-or maybe she did-
that the reason
i was so good
was because
i was so afraid
of being out of control

so she took me
and kissed me
embraced me
told me i was the queen
and i believed her
but then
she dropped me
-not before she spun the compass-
and for the first time
i was lost

my hands were not comfortable
on the steering wheel
my foot was not at home
on the pedals
my eyes
they were not used
to this scenery
the blinding darkness
from which
there was no escape
because -oh
thats right-
she blew out my headlights too

she was a hurricane
and i was the driver
and she locked my brakes
and she pushed me
straight into that tree
on the corner of
goose street and rose drive
and that's the last there was
of the
queen of the roads

tell me about the night
that you couldn't
look at anything
but my soul
and i never
looked up
from your eyes
and i couldn't
see anything
but the shape of your smile
and the way
you rolled your eyes
and it made me feel
light
my cheeks were tired
by the time i went home
and sleep did not visit me
that night

tell me about the night
you spent with her
as if sharing a bed
meant nothing at all
you were trapped
in a haze
and i was sleeping
but you were up
at ungodly hours
with a girl
whose skin you've touched
and lips you've kissed
and hands you've felt
and you tried to be honest
but i felt the oceans churn
and my cheeks didn't hurt
they burned
that night

tell me about the night
you saw her touch me
did you want to **** her
as badly as i did?
did her embrace
light fires in your stomach?
you didn't speak a word
but you told me you loved me
and i said you were drunk
i wonder why
the full moon
drags the truth out of people
and why
i felt so afraid
that night

I used to believe everything happened for a reason,
But it's hard to see the reason for this.
It's hard to breathe
In this ocean you left me.
It's hard to see
Through this darkness you led me.
It's hard to feel anything
But this hole that you gave me
And the thoughts that burn
Even when I don't think of you.

Because everything reminds me of you.
I was feeling better
Until I saw your cigarettes in my trash can.
I was feeling better
Until I found your shirt under my bed.
I was feeling better
Until I realized
That this is all *******
And that I ******* need you.

No matter what I've been told I can't shake you.
That I'm strong-
It's because you made me strong-
And that I need to find myself
But I don't because I found myself with you.

Being in love is amazing, because you feel the connection in every way:
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.
Being in love is terrifying, because you feel the pain in every single way:
Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically.
Something so good
Has to have a bad side;
It's just the way the world was made.

I don't know how three days
Can burn my future down to nothing.
I don't know how one second
Can set me back a lifetime.

But I will be fine,
Eventually.
If I lived 18 years without you,
I can survive the rest.
At least,
That's what I keep telling myself.

a heart that’s been torn
is hard to mend
a mind that’s unwavering
is hard to bend
and a soul with no hope
is hard to defend

there is no end
to the struggle
of a young girl
with a broken heart
and the innocence
of her spirit
believing everyone who comes
and goes

and i tell myself everything happens for a reason
it’s the only way i keep from going insane
i am cautious;
i have no trust
like the ocean
has no floor

or does it?
you see
it is not easy
to play
with those who's stitches
are fresh;
they are wary
but it is true when they say
you never happen
to bump into your wound
until you know it's there

and yet
i still let your smile make my heart skip a beat
i still let your words make cheeks feel the heat
and i still dream about your lips and how incredibly sweet
they would be
because
again
this is all in my dreams

the girl of my dreams
you came to me
in a vision
and
silly me
i still believe
we were meant to be

but of course
what fun ever came
from a love born of ease
what need ever shown
from a lack of some tease
what care can you show
for the scars such as these
you make my life difficult
yet
i still believe

there are a lot of strings attached
and i don’t want to be the one to cut them loose
instead
i stop myself from tying the noose
but let me not jump the gun
i still believe

after 4 in the morning
i told you **** gets weird
its better if you leave me here
i don’t want to be the cause of your regret my dear
instead you reply with
no baby
this is when **** gets real
how dare you
why did you just steal
the only hope i had of being clear
don’t you know i’m hard to heal
you just set me back a year
yet
i still believe
you are the one for me
don’t lie
i know that you see
comfort isn’t all it’s cracked out to be

and thats when
**** goes downhill
when i touch you
but we’re not playing around anymore
i get close
but we’re not laughing anymore
i put my hands around your neck
but you don’t pretend to choke
you moan
and i have to ****
the shiver that goes down my spine
the urge to take you all for mine

that’s when
**** gets blurry
and i can’t think of what i’m seeing
i can’t see what i’m thinking
i can’t control my hands
they are no longer mine
so i speak
you need to go
for your sake
and mine.
good bye.
yet
i still believe