i'm clean, i tell them
they smile
they tell me they're proud
they tell me that i'm a fighter

but when i say i'm clean
it implies that the rest of me has always been
*****

that the girl with faded scars
and an empty heart
and a full head
was filthy

i admit
my life has become an
endless blur of days
and nights
conversation i never had
and poems i have yet the strength to write.

Blank piece of lined paper
Is who I am
Im just blank

Whenever I think of happiness, I think of sunflowers.
The funny thing is, I don’t even like sunflowers.
They’re obnoxious.
Loud.
Vain.
They are tall. Stretching to the sun, selfish.
They are bright. Blinding all who look at them.

But they are unapologetic.
They love. They are love.
They live their life.
They are confident.
They are everything I need to be.
They are happiness.

Here you are again,
Caught and hauntingly scarred by
defeaning silence.

I find you
In the strangest places
Like
In between the freckles
of her nose -
Curled up to sleep
in the nooks and crannies
of a bittersweet melody
Dipping your toes
In pools of sound -
Or
Shapeless, clinging
To skin bathed in light -
You drip
Letter after letter
Into the palm of my hand
As blue skies melt to blackness -
Sometimes
You sit, cross-legged, peaceful
Up to your neck in rippling whiteness
I can tell you've been
Waiting
Until a too-long stare brought you to life -
Yet
You crumble when I reach for you
A beautiful mess
Your inspiration drifts soundlessly down
Glowing embers
At my feet -
You leak in measured counts
From melancholy eyes -
I breath your colors
Your impassioned purples
The anguish in your orange vibrations -
You reach through the crack of my window
Stardust in your amber hair
My muse
Rock me to sleep
With lullabies of the mind -
You swallow me, in silence
Stare at me through the eyes of my lover
Whisper secrets
When the wind holds its breath -
You wrap your feathered arms
Around all that exists
And bring it to the edge
Of a kiss
But just
For a moment

you kept telling me i was your favorite,
i wanted to ask you what that meant every time but when you spoke
it wasn't on my mind anymore.
you make all the nervousness in the pit of my stomach go away,
my hands don't feel so shaky anymore,
and my brain feels clearer.
in front of me, all i can see is
You.
and you're so beautiful.