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Here we are yet again. Another black life taken too soon.

Another hashtag created trending on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and the news.

Why is it open season to those who wear a badge? A badge that is suppose to protect and serve.

But instead shoots down black men and boys in cold blood without reserve.

The law is suppose to protect everyone.

Yet there is still a great divide because of the color of our skin.

Racism is still very much alive & present in today's society though Martin and Malcolm helped tried to abolish it.

When does it end? When do we all stand together and act as one?

Injustice for one race should equate to injustice for everyone.

We live in the land of the free but that seems to have stipulations to me.

Especially if you're a young black boy and black man just trying to live in 2016.

So exactly how many hashtags must trend till there's a real call to action to come about?

Cause at this rate it seems there's an undercover extinction plan in effect for the African American race.
God they'll mock me and doubt me... Trust Me
  God they'll say  I would be a fool not to stay where I am... Trust me
  God they think I'm only good for certain types of jobs as if that's all there is to me like I have no other gifts... Trust me
  God they are for sure gonna laugh and talk about me... Trust me
  God what if I fail?... Trust me
  God what if I lose it all?... Trust me
  God what if I'm not thinking clearly and they're all right?... Trust me
God but what if... Trust me
  I am Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. I will never leave you nor forsake you. I will always make a way where there seems to be no way. Have I ever giving you a reason to doubt that I will not be there and provide for you? Your gift will make room for you. TRUST ME!
What happened to dating?
You know the thing where two people who are interested in each other go to dinner and a movie.
Actually engage in quality conversation.
Learn one another's life story.

Why does this generation frown upon love?
Like being in it is a disease.
Don't they know when it's authentic and real, it gives your life the purest joy and makes you believe in impossible possibilities.
Have you feeling a natural high off its ecstasy.

Is chivalry really dead?
Has monogamy met its end too?
Showing acts of courtesy and being faithful to your love is what one is suppose to do.
Yet people of today act like doing so only leads to catastrophe and being a player with keys to a plethora of hearts makes one a MVP.

It's so disturbing to me.
People seem more interested in quick easy schemes to have one night stands and a "boo" with no strings attached.
Forgetting the strength in building a forever with someone that will always have your front and back.
That's when love shows why having "your one and only" is where it's at.

But I'm an optimist by nature so I believe real love and relationships can exist.
No matter how much today's society tries to abolish the heart's desire for it.
Love will always shine its mega watt light to remind us of its power and non stop will to unite and conquer.
Heartache, misery & despair is all I know. I drown in their dark waters, can never stay afloat.

  Happiness has always been a fleeting feeling for me. Never able to last long enough for me to bask in its beauty.

  My life is like a somber southern hymn that slaves on plantations would sing long ago.

  Mother abandoned me when I was just a few weeks old. Father constantly beat me in a drunken rage till my limbs were sore and inflamed.

  At 16 I got ***** by a boy that I would see in my neighborhood but never knew his name.

  I ran away soon after figuring I could do better on my own.

  The world couldn't hold a worse hell for me than the one I had already known.

  Lost and confused. Scared and alone. These were the only friends I had.

  They're still present in my life today. Daily preying on my flesh till my insides rot away.    

  I don't know what it's like to be free and let go of the past.

  The memories torture me and the nightmares keep me in cold sweats.

  I'm suffocating with my own hand around my neck.

  I pray to God but I don't think he hears me cause my spirit is still in ******* in purgatory.

  But for some reason I keep going no matter how many times I've contemplated taking my own life.

  Something inside me just won't let me quit. So I guess I'll continue to fight till I find serenity from my plights.

  Dying to the darkness to live in the light.
I give him everything.
Every part of my being belongs to him.
I adore and completely worship him.
For he is my king and I his queen.
Or at least that's how it's suppose to be.
See he doesn't treat me as he should.
He constantly ignores me, only talking when he needs his needs met.
He never kisses me softly unless we're having ***.
And he never acknowledges my efforts to keep our love alive.
Nor my beauty which I always keep on point to keep him from having a wandering eye.
There was once a time when our love was smoking hot.
We blazed together like a wildfire; living our lives carefree.
We were unstoppable and created majestic memories.
But somewhere along the lines our love lost its magic.
What was once a vibrant love is now stagnant.
He doesn't look at me with the great desire I could always see beaming through his eyes like he use to.
And I can't remember the last time we had a laugh together that had us in tears.
We've been in this for so many years.
Though we've hit a rough patch, I know we can make it through.
Even if I have to love more for the both of us, than that's just what I'll have to do.
I remember my heart sinking into my stomach.
Heavy with sadness & pain.
Feeling as if I would never possess the strength to love another again.

I gave you every ounce of my being in hopes you would one day give me yours.
I loved you hard & deep so you would always feel reassured of my commitment to us.
And there's nothing I wasn't willing to do for you so you could see how I could be enough.

Yet in the midst of me being everything I thought you wanted & needed I lost myself.
Settling for much less than I deserved.
Making excuses in my mind that you didn't know better & needed time.

I was playing roles of friend, lover & wife.
Doing each one happily without compliant.
All the while failing to realize how I had no ring.

The blessing & curse of being a woman.
It's our nature to nurture & give with no restraints.
Even when reciprocity eludes us in sometimes harsh ways.

I still hear your cruel tone of how you wanted to end things.
Trying to scold me on what I did wrong.
Never acknowledging your own faults though at all.

The audacity of you to yet again leave me in pain.
It's mind blowing how someone whose image is that of a good God fearing man can cause someone so much unnecessary heartache.
It just might take a church scandal outing your truth for you to realize the errors in your ways.

I remember my heart sinking into my stomach.
Heavy with sadness & pain.
But I'm snapping out of wallowing in my misery & regaining my power of being the amazing woman I almost let you break.
On December 25th He was born.
He that is the key to enteral life.
He whose blood paid for our sins.
Making the greatest sacrifice.

He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
To Him all bow before.
He is the way for us to follow to obtain all we want out of life.
And the help we need to deal with our lives daily strifes.

I can't go a day without talking to Him.
His word fills me with hope & faith.
I'm forever in need of His comfort.
His love, grace & mercy are what keep me from going asunder from the different obstacles I face.

All should know Him.
Our goal should be to do good in this life so we can meet Him one day.
For He is everything.
And with all that said, you should now know His name.
Oh you feel pain? Took me and my love for granted and now see the error in your ways.

    I feel no remorse for you reaping what you sowed. You should have been a real one like you proclaimed instead of a complete joke.

    How badly does it sting to see me officially moved on and living abundantly? Does it crush your heart to pieces knowing had you just been true you would have been right beside me?

    God clearly had a better plan for me. Using the pain and shame you brought on me to propel me towards my destiny.

    The damaged baggage of a broken heart and unfaithful love you left me, fueled my art that  led to my healing.  

    So I guess I should thank you for all the tears you made me weep and the endless nights you wrecked my mind where I couldn't find sleep.

    Because of you I became wiser and stronger. No longer boggled down with the sadness and rage. I'm up and onward to greater things.

    And you're finally feeling the rippling effects of your deceitful love games.
I need help but refuse to ask.

I'm the tough one. God built me to last.

No one can know how I truly feel inside.

My endless nights of crying.

My thoughts of wanting to die.

If you saw me, you would think I'm totally fine.

I'm a professional at clothing myself in garments of beauty, strength and playing the role of someone in complete control.

But at night when I'm alone my weaknesses, pain and flaws take hold.

Eventually I will succumb to my own demons.

By either a knife to my wrist or a gun to my head.

Mentally I'm already dead.

God if you can hear me please come to my aid.

I'm exhausted from pretending.

I need to be saved.
Love, the most powerful four letter word in the world. Depending on its user it has the power to uplift and have you on cloud 9 or leave you broken and somber for many days and nights.

I unfortunately have to endure its power's downside because of you. You who said you loved me but yet time revealed that wasn't true. You who said so many sweet things that all ended up being spoiled truths.

I can still taste the nectar that masked your poisonous kisses lingering on my lips. Your *** seducing cologne still  imbedded in my senses from our bodies' intimate connections.

You pretended to want a real thing but that wasn't your intentions. You only wanted to have me open like a chest full gold, taking all the treasuries it holds.

You deprived me from experiencing love's great essence and what it really means. Took the keys to my heart and kept yours locked in purgatory.

One day the tables will turn and you'll confess your sins. Feeling all the echoes of the cries you caused and the time you wasted forever lost. Reaping the effects you sowed of your love blasphemy woes.
I'm my own worst enemy.

Having constant battles between my heart & mind.

I know better but I don't do so.

My focus is not in-focus and it's driving me insane.

I easily let trivial things consume me to the point I'm either enraged or in tears feeling my heart break.

It's a travesty.

I know God is displeased with me.

He gave me wisdom beyond my years like He did for Solomon.

But I don't tap into it enough to keep me from indulging in life's daily lusts.

My heart is good and my intentions are never malicious.

I just have this bad habit of following my flesh's desires rather than that of my spirit's.

And yes I know I'm human and being so means I'm going to make mistakes.

It's just tough for me to use that as an excuse every-time when I know my will to be better would be stronger if I prayed a little harder.

You give life to what you think and I have a few things that need to die.

I can't keep holding myself back by being in my own way all the time.

God have your way with me.

I surrender to your will and ways.

For I know by doing so I'll no longer be in ******* by my mistakes.

And be able to live a life filled with abundant blessings because of your favor and grace.
We always wonder why God allows us to go through certain things.
Like a health issue, losing our job or getting our heart broken by a man or woman we loved.
The pain from these different situations will make you want to cave.
Feel like you're losing your mind.
Constantly plaguing it with "whys".
Have you in tears and keeping you up many late nights.

It just always seems so unfair.
You're a good person but are always filled with such great hopelessness and despair.
Asking yourself "Does God notice my burdens? Does He really care?"
You're never suppose to question God but sometimes you wish you could have a face to face meeting so you can understand Him more clearly.
They say everything happens for a reason.
And you always get what's meant for you in due season.
Still when you're reeling in pain it's tough to keep a positive mentality.
It's easier to just curl up in a ball and indulge in a self pity party.

But despite your flesh hurting, your spirit knows there's a purpose.
A purpose that is all a part of God's plan.
For He knows exactly how much we can bear.
And will never exceed our strength's capacity nor our inner will's limit to keep going despite adversities.
Sometimes God allows certain situations to occur to help mold us into what we're destined to be.
Every tear, hurt, pain and worry all serve their purpose to help towards fulfilling our destiny.
So many successful people always say certain pains and setbacks helped propel them to who they are today.  
This is when the saying "everything happens for a reason" comes back into play.  

God makes no mistakes.
He is the key to our lives being fruitful.
Supplying us daily with favor, mercy and grace.
So though we may be hurting and feel like we're at our end.
We must continue to fight on, have faith and believe.
There's purpose in our pain that God is going to manifest for us individually to see; how it all was necessary to become what He created each one of us to be.
Why must I constantly doubt myself?
When will I realize my worth?
What will it take for me to see that if I just work on being the best me,God will give me my wants and needs?

How is it I know better but don't do better?
Why do I insist on sometimes playing the fool?
Is real love suppose to go through so much pain and feel like a never ending puzzle game?

What is the purpose behind all my tears?
Why does this cycle of torture never stop spinning?
When will I finally get the strength to take control of my life and start winning?

What if I'm really as damaged and crazy as I feel?
What if I'm really losing my mind?
How can I keep my inner fire to keep fighting burning and alive?

When will I be genuinely happy?
Why does it seem so far away?
What is one to do when feeling so confused and astray?

These are the questions of my heart that I pray to have the answers to one day.
Some days I feel too weak to carry on.

The pains of life feel so unbearable to withstand.

My eyes are constantly watery & red.

I conceal my hurts by masquerading as someone who can conquer all.

My family & friends would tell you I can.

But that's because not even they know the heavy burdens & hurts I bear.

It's tough to keep trying to keep my hope alive.

To not let my faith keep dwindling & eventually die.

I know God hears prayers but I just feel like sometimes He doesn't hear mine.

I'm screaming on the inside.

Breaking down piece by piece.

While quietly praying for peace.

I've contemplated taking my own life but never can actually do it.

Something always seems to intervene & the knife ends up once again staying clean.

Maybe it's God stopping me cause I have a purpose.

I wish I would have some great revelation.

I'm tired of living this way.

I need rehabilitation.
I love you immensely but this go round of us trying to make it work again isn't sitting right with me.

You say you love me and that I have a part of you which is what keeps you coming back to me but that's the problem right there.

You keep coming back but never stay long enough for us to go to the next level.

It's like you're Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll.

You'll do good for a little while; almost having me convinced you're ready to commit.

Then your old habits will start showing once again.

We won't talk for days but you'll be on Instagram posting away.  

You say you would never intentionally hurt me cause that's not the type of man you are.

So what is one to call it then when you keep leaving me crying and scarred.

I keep clinging to the potential you and us I see in my mind.

I hold onto it for dear life because all I want is you by my side.

But if I keep holding on, I'll keep being the one getting hurt.

Wishing I would just muster up the nerve to be completely done with you and free from your curse.

Like I said I love you but I have to love me more.

I have to officially close our twisted love story's doors.

If we're meant to be then we will be.

But right now I have to start the process of taking better care of myself; no longer ignoring my needs.
Have you ever become so enraged by your own thoughts?

Your mind replays situations that you feel you lost.

Making you wish you could go back in time and handle things accordingly.

Gain the power that was necessary for you to have the victory.

Is this how we become our own worst enemy?

Fixated on our past hurts and pains.

Wanting vengeance on those who were the cause of it all.

Wishing for their downfall.  

It's madness when you live inside your mind.

Forever thinking about how you were wronged in life.

All while time continues to tick.

And your abusers continue to live their lives without feeling convictions for their sins.

When does it end?

How can you forgive when no apology was given?

Why must your mind be consumed with the rage?

Why can't the causers take your place?

Go through a mental genocide as a repercussion for the hell they raised.  

But life doesn't work that way.

And God no longer condones "an eye for an eye" like in the Old Testament days.

So I'll just have to get on my knees and pray.

For God to free my mind of the ******* and pain that plagues it everyday.
They throw stones in persecution.

They judge without knowing facts.

They bring others problems to light while forgetting their own skeletons they keep away.

They lack compassion and understanding as if humans don't make mistakes.

They ridicule with no remorse.

They belittle as if God would approve.

They act as if they are God themselves with the power to execute.

So who exactly are They?

They are the society that we live in today.

They are you and I destroying one another like a plague.

And giving how we treat each-other and the constant terrifying situations that occur each day.

I fear Judgement Day is near where God's anger with us all will reign.    

So let's ask for forgiveness and pray it's not too late to make a change.
When I look at today's society I feel great sadness.

We fight, ****, bully, discriminate and look down on eachother. It's complete madness.

It seems to only get worse by the day.

Even our children face extreme hardships. Can't even just be kids and play.

No where seems to be safe.

Terrorists are in full force to destroy us as a human race.

Why can't we see how strong we really are and can be if we realized our differences are what makes us unique.

And to be unique is magic within its self so we all have the power to effect real change and help.

Help to make this world better for ourselves, families and future generations to come.

Stand completely united like we do for the national anthem at events we love; which is the only time I see us as one.

Imagine how amazing this world could be if everyone did their part.

It doesn't have to be a dream if we all just try and start.

I'll continue to say my prayers to God praying we change.

Cause we'll just end up destroying each other one by one if we continue this way.
What is love?
I have yet to fully grasp its meaning.
I've had my moments where I thought I knew.
But each of those moments ended up proving I didn't have the slightest clue.
It's mind blowing how a simple 4- letter word could leave one feeling a plethora of different emotions.
I've been happy, sad, confused, abused and used, all from its definition being misconstrued.
And I never had a front row seat to see what its true definition looked liked.
My track record alone speaks volumes to the type of "love" that was shown in my home.
So, I'm over trying to figure out what love is.
I'll just continue to do me; **** it!
It's been one of those days.
I'm craving your smooth oak taste.
You know exactly how to calm me down.
Help me cope with anything thrown my way.
As soon as you touch my lips, I feel at ease.
And once you're inside me, I can breathe.
Every night with you is a pure cathartic release.
That's why I keep you stocked so you'll always be ready and waiting for me.

— The End —