It's been one of those days.
I'm craving your smooth oak taste.
You know exactly how to calm me down.
Help me cope with anything thrown my way.
As soon as you touch my lips, I feel at ease.
And once you're inside me, I can breathe.
Every night with you is a pure cathartic release.
That's why I keep you stocked so you'll always be ready and waiting for me.

I remember my heart sinking into my stomach.
Heavy with sadness & pain.
Feeling as if I would never possess the strength to love another again.

I gave you every ounce of my being in hopes you would one day give me yours.
I loved you hard & deep so you would always feel reassured of my commitment to us.
And there's nothing I wasn't willing to do for you so you could see how I could be enough.

Yet in the midst of me being everything I thought you wanted & needed I lost myself.
Settling for much less than I deserved.
Making excuses in my mind that you didn't know better & needed time.

I was playing roles of friend, lover & wife.
Doing each one happily without compliant.
All the while failing to realize how I had no ring.

The blessing & curse of being a woman.
It's our nature to nurture & give with no restraints.
Even when reciprocity eludes us in sometimes harsh ways.

I still hear your cruel tone of how you wanted to end things.
Trying to scold me on what I did wrong.
Never acknowledging your own faults though at all.

The audacity of you to yet again leave me in pain.
It's mind blowing how someone whose image is that of a good God fearing man can cause someone so much unnecessary heartache.
It just might take a church scandal outing your truth for you to realize the errors in your ways.

I remember my heart sinking into my stomach.
Heavy with sadness & pain.
But I'm snapping out of wallowing in my misery & regaining my power of being the amazing woman I almost let you break.

Some days I feel too weak to carry on.

The pains of life feel so unbearable to withstand.

My eyes are constantly watery & red.

I conceal my hurts by masquerading as someone who can conquer all.

My family & friends would tell you I can.

But that's because not even they know the heavy burdens & hurts I bear.

It's tough to keep trying to keep my hope alive.

To not let my faith keep dwindling & eventually die.

I know God hears prayers but I just feel like sometimes He doesn't hear mine.

I'm screaming on the inside.

Breaking down piece by piece.

While quietly praying for peace.

I've contemplated taking my own life but never can actually do it.

Something always seems to intervene & the knife ends up once again staying clean.

Maybe it's God stopping me cause I have a purpose.

I wish I would have some great revelation.

I'm tired of living this way.

I need rehabilitation.

On December 25th He was born.
He that is the key to enteral life.
He whose blood paid for our sins.
Making the greatest sacrifice.

He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
To Him all bow before.
He is the way for us to follow to obtain all we want out of life.
And the help we need to deal with our lives daily strifes.

I can't go a day without talking to Him.
His word fills me with hope & faith.
I'm forever in need of His comfort.
His love, grace & mercy are what keep me from going asunder from the different obstacles I face.

All should know Him.
Our goal should be to do good in this life so we can meet Him one day.
For He is everything.
And with all that said, you should now know His name.

Why must I constantly doubt myself?
When will I realize my worth?
What will it take for me to see that if I just work on being the best me,God will give me my wants and needs?

How is it I know better but don't do better?
Why do I insist on sometimes playing the fool?
Is real love suppose to go through so much pain and feel like a never ending puzzle game?

What is the purpose behind all my tears?
Why does this cycle of torture never stop spinning?
When will I finally get the strength to take control of my life and start winning?

What if I'm really as damaged and crazy as I feel?
What if I'm really losing my mind?
How can I keep my inner fire to keep fighting burning and alive?

When will I be genuinely happy?
Why does it seem so far away?
What is one to do when feeling so confused and astray?

These are the questions of my heart that I pray to have the answers to one day.

I'm my own worst enemy.

Having constant battles between my heart & mind.

I know better but I don't do so.

My focus is not in-focus and it's driving me insane.

I easily let trivial things consume me to the point I'm either enraged or in tears feeling my heart break.

It's a travesty.

I know God is displeased with me.

He gave me wisdom beyond my years like He did for Solomon.

But I don't tap into it enough to keep me from indulging in life's daily lusts.

My heart is good and my intentions are never malicious.

I just have this bad habit of following my flesh's desires rather than that of my spirit's.

And yes I know I'm human and being so means I'm going to make mistakes.

It's just tough for me to use that as an excuse every-time when I know my will to be better would be stronger if I prayed a little harder.

You give life to what you think and I have a few things that need to die.

I can't keep holding myself back by being in my own way all the time.

God have your way with me.

I surrender to your will and ways.

For I know by doing so I'll no longer be in ******* by my mistakes.

And be able to live a life filled with abundant blessings because of your favor and grace.

We always wonder why God allows us to go through certain things.
Like a health issue, losing our job or getting our heart broken by a man or woman we loved.
The pain from these different situations will make you want to cave.
Feel like you're losing your mind.
Constantly plaguing it with "whys".
Have you in tears and keeping you up many late nights.

It just always seems so unfair.
You're a good person but are always filled with such great hopelessness and despair.
Asking yourself "Does God notice my burdens? Does He really care?"
You're never suppose to question God but sometimes you wish you could have a face to face meeting so you can understand Him more clearly.
They say everything happens for a reason.
And you always get what's meant for you in due season.
Still when you're reeling in pain it's tough to keep a positive mentality.
It's easier to just curl up in a ball and indulge in a self pity party.

But despite your flesh hurting, your spirit knows there's a purpose.
A purpose that is all a part of God's plan.
For He knows exactly how much we can bear.
And will never exceed our strength's capacity nor our inner will's limit to keep going despite adversities.
Sometimes God allows certain situations to occur to help mold us into what we're destined to be.
Every tear, hurt, pain and worry all serve their purpose to help towards fulfilling our destiny.
So many successful people always say certain pains and setbacks helped propel them to who they are today.  
This is when the saying "everything happens for a reason" comes back into play.  

God makes no mistakes.
He is the key to our lives being fruitful.
Supplying us daily with favor, mercy and grace.
So though we may be hurting and feel like we're at our end.
We must continue to fight on, have faith and believe.
There's purpose in our pain that God is going to manifest for us individually to see; how it all was necessary to become what He created each one of us to be.

What happened to dating?
You know the thing where two people who are interested in each other go to dinner and a movie.
Actually engage in quality conversation.
Learn one another's life story.

Why does this generation frown upon love?
Like being in it is a disease.
Don't they know when it's authentic and real, it gives your life the purest joy and makes you believe in impossible possibilities.
Have you feeling a natural high off its ecstasy.

Is chivalry really dead?
Has monogamy met its end too?
Showing acts of courtesy and being faithful to your love is what one is suppose to do.
Yet people of today act like doing so only leads to catastrophe and being a player with keys to a plethora of hearts makes one a MVP.

It's so disturbing to me.
People seem more interested in quick easy schemes to have one night stands and a "boo" with no strings attached.
Forgetting the strength in building a forever with someone that will always have your front and back.
That's when love shows why having "your one and only" is where it's at.

But I'm an optimist by nature so I believe real love and relationships can exist.
No matter how much today's society tries to abolish the heart's desire for it.
Love will always shine its mega watt light to remind us of its power and non stop will to unite and conquer.

Here we are yet again. Another black life taken too soon.

Another hashtag created trending on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and the news.

Why is it open season to those who wear a badge? A badge that is suppose to protect and serve.

But instead shoots down black men and boys in cold blood without reserve.

The law is suppose to protect everyone.

Yet there is still a great divide because of the color of our skin.

Racism is still very much alive & present in today's society though Martin and Malcolm helped tried to abolish it.

When does it end? When do we all stand together and act as one?

Injustice for one race should equate to injustice for everyone.

We live in the land of the free but that seems to have stipulations to me.

Especially if you're a young black boy and black man just trying to live in 2016.

So exactly how many hashtags must trend till there's a real call to action to come about?

Cause at this rate it seems there's an undercover extinction plan in effect for the African American race.

They throw stones in persecution.

They judge without knowing facts.

They bring others problems to light while forgetting their own skeletons they keep away.

They lack compassion and understanding as if humans don't make mistakes.

They ridicule with no remorse.

They belittle as if God would approve.

They act as if they are God themselves with the power to execute.

So who exactly are They?

They are the society that we live in today.

They are you and I destroying one another like a plague.

And giving how we treat each-other and the constant terrifying situations that occur each day.

I fear Judgement Day is near where God's anger with us all will reign.    

So let's ask for forgiveness and pray it's not too late to make a change.

I give him everything.
Every part of my being belongs to him.
I adore and completely worship him.
For he is my king and I his queen.
Or at least that's how it's suppose to be.
See he doesn't treat me as he should.
He constantly ignores me, only talking when he needs his needs met.
He never kisses me softly unless we're having ***.
And he never acknowledges my efforts to keep our love alive.
Nor my beauty which I always keep on point to keep him from having a wandering eye.
There was once a time when our love was smoking hot.
We blazed together like a wildfire; living our lives carefree.
We were unstoppable and created majestic memories.
But somewhere along the lines our love lost its magic.
What was once a vibrant love is now stagnant.
He doesn't look at me with the great desire I could always see beaming through his eyes like he use to.
And I can't remember the last time we had a laugh together that had us in tears.
We've been in this for so many years.
Though we've hit a rough patch, I know we can make it through.
Even if I have to love more for the both of us, than that's just what I'll have to do.

Love, the most powerful four letter word in the world. Depending on its user it has the power to uplift and have you on cloud 9 or leave you broken and somber for many days and nights.

I unfortunately have to endure its power's downside because of you. You who said you loved me but yet time revealed that wasn't true. You who said so many sweet things that all ended up being spoiled truths.

I can still taste the nectar that masked your poisonous kisses lingering on my lips. Your *** seducing cologne still  imbedded in my senses from our bodies' intimate connections.

You pretended to want a real thing but that wasn't your intentions. You only wanted to have me open like a chest full gold, taking all the treasuries it holds.

You deprived me from experiencing love's great essence and what it really means. Took the keys to my heart and kept yours locked in purgatory.

One day the tables will turn and you'll confess your sins. Feeling all the echoes of the cries you caused and the time you wasted forever lost. Reaping the effects you sowed of your love blasphemy woes.

Have you ever become so enraged by your own thoughts?

Your mind replays situations that you feel you lost.

Making you wish you could go back in time and handle things accordingly.

Gain the power that was necessary for you to have the victory.

Is this how we become our own worst enemy?

Fixated on our past hurts and pains.

Wanting vengeance on those who were the cause of it all.

Wishing for their downfall.  

It's madness when you live inside your mind.

Forever thinking about how you were wronged in life.

All while time continues to tick.

And your abusers continue to live their lives without feeling convictions for their sins.

When does it end?

How can you forgive when no apology was given?

Why must your mind be consumed with the rage?

Why can't the causers take your place?

Go through a mental genocide as a repercussion for the hell they raised.  

But life doesn't work that way.

And God no longer condones "an eye for an eye" like in the Old Testament days.

So I'll just have to get on my knees and pray.

For God to free my mind of the ******* and pain that plagues it everyday.

I need help but refuse to ask.

I'm the tough one. God built me to last.

No one can know how I truly feel inside.

My endless nights of crying.

My thoughts of wanting to die.

If you saw me, you would think I'm totally fine.

I'm a professional at clothing myself in garments of beauty, strength and playing the role of someone in complete control.

But at night when I'm alone my weaknesses, pain and flaws take hold.

Eventually I will succumb to my own demons.

By either a knife to my wrist or a gun to my head.

Mentally I'm already dead.

God if you can hear me please come to my aid.

I'm exhausted from pretending.

I need to be saved.