What if what I see makes me happy?
Is it bad that I find joy in the lies I see before me?
Is it bad that I ignore the pain I am put through?

If its bad then why do you call it love?

Is it bad to love someone who hates to love you?
Is it bad that the one you give all of your love to loves to hurt you?
Is it bad to want to take the pain from them because you feel they have more pain than you do?
Is it bad to hurt for them because they are not blind?

Or am I just hurting for myself?

When will I see?

I am constantly finding myself to be this easily agitated, but overly loving person, and that is because of you.

*******.

I've been attempting to search for the girl I once was and can't find what I'm looking for.
You took the best of me and left me with this.
This person I do not want to be.
This weak soul.
Weaker than I ever thought I could be.

I used to be strong.
I chose not to fight back because I thought you needed me.
I wanted to help you.
To be there for you.
But you made me this person.
And I hate who I have become.

You aren't even here to help me through it.

When I finally need you.

I write you poems you never read.

I paint the page with my heart and the pain you have caused.
I spill each word out over the tops of my lips and cradle them in my hands.
The new life in my palms, wanting to grow, wanting to be a part of something that isn't.
I cradle the newborn words in my hands, in hopes that maybe you'll take them.
Maybe you'll listen.
I cradle my comfort, my anxieties, my thoughts.
The beliefs I once had, the anger I once felt, The anger I still feel.
The love I once felt.
I was numb.
experiencing extreme joy and anger at the same time.
But I cradled those words.
I know you wont see them.
But I wrote you many poems.

You just scattered the pieces.
How can you break what's already broken?
The comforting clench of the hand around the knife.
Those eyes.
The chill.

But those eyes, they make me believe.
In love.
In you.
I believe.
Yet I cry.

The stick of the point indenting my skin reflects the light of the situation.
Your eyes.
"I would never hurt you."

I hate you.
My eyes.
Filled with the tears from my non exsistant heart.
The heart that is yours.
The heart that is yours.

"I would never hurt you"
"You're the one thing I care about"
My eyes glisten as they stare into yours.
"I hate you"

Uncertainty
About you
About me

I need more
Praise
Respect
Love

Uncertainty
Do you love me?
Do you still want me?

Do I?

Its impossible to read the signs that you don’t send
1 hour later, two hours later

I can’t express to myself how much you care.

Do you even?
I’m uncertain

When all else fails, believe that there is something greater out there.
Some all encompassing creator that loves each and every one of us the same.
He hears everything, sees everything, and he will forgive you.
Forgive you for everything you should never be forgiven for.
Forgive you for the pain and suffering that you have put many through.
He will forgive you because everyone deserves to be forgiven.
I will never forgive you.
And I don't believe in him either.

My only true friend is my therapist.
A person who I have to pay to have listen to me because no one else will.
I don't want anyone else to have to.
And she doesn't even know half of it.
She doesn't know the pain I feel.
She doesn't have any reason to care about me.
No one else does.
I pay her to listen to me.
And yet I think she's the one person who actually does care.