Vividly the dream is playing
I am an actor as well as witness
As the pursuit unfolds in confusing
Scene after scene as dread closes in.
If do not wake, or wait to see the end
I hear my conscious saying
I may never wake again.  
So I will myself to the here and now
Bolting up to opening eyes
That dart and survey surroundings
Drinking in the painful light
I am safe, it was a dream
Though the sense of foreboding
Lingers all that day.
Am I safe?  
Afraid to sleep and slip beneath
As what waits is waiting
Am I safe?

honey any direction
you hold Avenue
Are blessed
Though only in reflection
Infrequent Glimpses,
memories of a fragrance
Irreconcilable differences
Heartbreaking recollections
Every direction,
You are a part of
Echoing closely and far away
No place that hides or denies
Images and reasons to
Or not to, You
Unwanted necessities
such as this fragile peace
Forever and always unmade
Won't be, never lessens or fades
Feelings are effective triggers
With unfailing memory
Still strum and play
Strings beneath cry iut
Easier accepting never accepting
Ever after sold this fool
All his dreams,  every part he guarded
No longer,  but for now has been
His burden and imposed sadness.

Real these moments of self
Reasons written by a broken inside
Beautiful, and missing deeply

Speak if this no more
Spring still shines outside
Invitingly pleasant
Pretend this was nothing
You never saw or wanting
I will not betray our
Song birds call from beyond
Taste of whatever this now
Never was lays lightly upon
Lips that forget so as to never slip
Things that never happened
No more guilt to be hoarded
As consciousness wants this truth
Our secrets consume

all of the worst
in me
all I see today
the secret,
the fantasies
I don't want to own them
why am I this way
will I ever change,  
oh to be
normal,...  ME,...

I am not here
This is not me
I am more than what
This innocent
only temporary
I need not usher in
All will come clear
As I transend
Not before then

I've seen the nature of my ways
Been the things that I've heard others say
Tried to become that thing
Presented my best at least
in practice to stumble and fall
is falling all the same.
I am such a conundrum anymore
So used to not aiming for
the same things I think I'm needing
upending the clay beneath my feet
into disorganized heaps all around
a hole my efforts seem single mindedly
hellbent on creating without a muse to guide me
I am not great. not today.
these days of safety and of others
trying and hoping are wasted
not for not trying but, I am still the same
one who pretends to have a hold
dawns an determined grimace with
two more so eyes that surely communicate
how uncapable the soul inside is
struggles with weaknesses and chemicals
mixed inconsistently to a cocktail of wasted potential
im not okay.  not today.
not at all, i don't change
only I don't want to trust
not anyone, most not myself
not wont, just don't, I don't expect
any less from anyone
I am clueless and I am of little faith of what there is left in me to continue being so
not okay. no.

Claiming
to be
awake...

                 Though
                 dreaming
                  to be,..

                                  Is not that
                                 unusual...
                                 these days.

When I need,

that,

that finds no want

reciprocating.

Only  

that lack itself

as proof

that,

no two ways

may, combined

bring that

that,

first and last

best,

part once found

in Me Back

Waters flowing to wide
Inside my heart insists
beyond the line of earth and sky
A place for those that dare it
but to enter the endless fuel of oceans
is to leave this place to nowhere certain
endless possibilities in death
Nay, what I seek is beyond mirrored shores
A land that promises only the brave
risk for reward of inner peace
belonging to something and introduction
to a calling, contentment and a name bestowed
reputation only of that which is demonstrated
a new beginning.  
I will know this, for I aim to build a bridge
to walk there safely, outsmarting foolish tests.
A better way to pursue this quest.

Tick away the tock, tock, tock
With pendulum stealing away
To come back and
away brass reflection
Any moment any second
Raise this existence
From the endless swishing
Whilst I lose my day in

Always is the problem word
too easily misinterpreted,
Right now that is the issue we're facing
Read the words once written
My words, yeah, honest, genuine
Sincere and borne from emotion
At that time, In those moments
Lessons, each day, every decision
choices, reactions, retrebutions
With out them, this, that moment
those emotions, that heartbreak
I'll always own them,
I am who you know today as result
they taught me about this world,
about love, how it feels to hurt
missing out, longing after, loneliness,
moving on, accepting my own thoughts
learning to live and love myself
You,.. Now,... Here,.. in the present
This lesson, what I know I want
I'll always love what I once loved,
but the decision to devote time, thought
myself over to?... That is mine to choose
I choose you...

Down
     Down
          Down
My half-hearted finger motions
As the lonely 'others' scroll passed
                                                         Out of sight.

To be replaced
Over and over
By countless 'others'

Still, down
   Down
        Down
On and on and on
There is no end
        No bottom

Attention failing
with my hopes fading
Set to search again

        Another day...
                 perhaps?
Then...
   An unbelievably attractive smile
Perfect, brilliant eyes
Stealing my own
Owning my full attention

Timidly my finger does touch

There.

She is the entirety of my vantage
All about Her
All she feels she wants me to know
Is taken in with such ease

She smiles up at me
Like heaven is real
Braile as each word i feel
They are humble and sincere
Real

I feel my way
Down
   Down
      Down
She seems so...
Exactly as...

My thoughts racing
Entertaining my own qualities
Checking off her wants
As hers my own

Dare I?
She truly is so
So so so
Lovely.

Maybe?

No.  I remind myself
My 'less than' sides
Insecurities and defenses
End those fantasies.

She is above
   Too
      Too

                 Far above

Me...
Out of my league.

Pwr btn... Goodbye.

Found beneath silk like wrappings
Smoldering barely, the coals create,
The Embers of my innermost, the splendor
In light and warmth; our light blue,
fluffy white deception hides the truth
As it dwindles and grows transparent
And the Twilight is made of dark hues
Accentuated by points of distant light
Numbering more than can be imagined.
Points of light stabbing through
Unfathomable distances between
Incredible places, unobtainable
As we realize and reluctantly accept
our place amongst the countless others.
Truths at first alarming until
surreal sets in to soothe and
ease the discomfort of knowing
How unimportant and miniscule indeed
We are not the center of creation.
We are simply One more
Of the countless others, Looking out
Wondering how?

Every way, each day
I am present to see it.
His miracle of being
I the recipient his gift
Awestruck, humbled, blessed
This I understand completely
Though I know not how, or why
I.  This man I still learn to know
As myself, of my self,
Admit having witness his growing
In great measure do I envy him
See his approach at living, being
embodying the kindest soul,
Naturally thoughtful and caring
How he is, has become
A lesson that I do learn from
My little legacy, so far beyond
better than from which he comes
I worry for him as fathers must
But not of him, of life's unexpected
always haunting every person
just out of foretelling, behind any horizon
For this treasure of my life I know
No doubt, to be a person of light
Wits, genuine smiles, listening and learning
His my Son, He is my Hero
I am out done, and yet,
ever the more thankful.
Blessed by You Zieven Lee.
Thank You.  More than you'll ever know.

I sit, feeling...
Thinking, witnessing
All too surreal,
Scenes playing out
Scenarios I've long
Long ago lost all hope
Of seeing outside dreams
This really is, isn't this?
The ease of familiarities
I know how much
How completely, intensely
I have prayed and wished
For this... As I am here
So are the two loves
I would die for, still, always
Finally, yet outside
I seem not to allow even
This living dream
Passed these ******* walls
I've hidden my best self
Away in.

Painting this picture,
With you in it...
It is almost always you,
You find a way...
You are in everything I do,
And in every medium...
The lemon  yellow,
Phalo blue,..
The burnt umber,
Every hue...
Every color has you,
The way that I used to.
And these feeble ways
that I can still have
Through gentle strokes
thoughtful shadows,
carefully placed highlights
to effectively embrace those subtle shapes
When I miss you...
I paint...
To see you,
Face to face.

I have a heart I made of paper mache,
and, a mask made the same way.

One to fill a vacant place inside.
The other, a lie.
But they still see my eyes
behind that smiling face.

They all see my eyes.

My heart made of paper,
and, a mask I made,
to face my friends.

Because they don’t understand.

The way that the hurting they said will fade away,
Never did...
Stayed the same.

So I pretend.
I wear that face.
Smiling like they think I should.

A paper smile protects my pride.
A paper heart remains to this day.

Heart made of paper,
fills an empty place.
A paper thin mask,
I use to face each day,
smiling for me,
to make them believe...
I am okay.

With a heart made of paper mache,
A mask I had made the same way,
One to fill a vacant place inside,
The other tries to portray a lie.
But they still see my eyes behind,
That smiling face, they all see my eyes.
My heart made of paper mache,
And a mask I made to face my friends,
Because they don’t understand the way,
The hurting they say will fade away,
Never did; Stays the same.
So I pretend; I wear that face.
Smiling like they think I should,
A paper smile protects my pride,
A paper heart remains to this day.
Heart made of paper mache fills an empty place.
A mask I use to face each day,
Smiling for me to make them believe I am okay.
Made me a heart today.
Made from paper mache.
Made to take the real ones place.
Made to replace.
Made a new face today.
Made from paper mache.
Made it a smiling face.
Made just to face each day.
Made to hide the pain.

If they will ever know me?
How could they live me?
Parts of Me I wonder

In an amazing fashion today
Emotions broiled for lack of medication
The daylight as seen behind my closed wet eyes
A complexity's riddle of swirling reds, melting shades
Of midnight blues to explode against my lens yellow
A kaleidoscope of so many runaway misconceptions
I thought and lost hold then filled the role of passenger
Witness within without control watching
The systematic sabotage of something good being broken
It was my voice, but all too strongly laced with malice
My words sent by my device and typed out by hands like mine
Hurtful accusations that I knew could not be true
Blame and shame and petty thinking were tools that ruined
I fought, but I couldn't make my mind stop racing
Only break up a little more inside know the consequences
She would hate me, put up walls and take away new roads
Rightly so, I know how unstable my cursed and hated self
Looks to those that stand too close when it gets out
I've more than once lost and had to go alone following
Each time I've been made a passanger witness within
Again and again and I know, that connection it broke
Is gone for good, I hate him I hate that I am him to the world outside of my skin.

Why we weave our own messes
And these knots that seem so random
Are all but instead they are our ways
Safe like a blanket made from our patterns

Pretending
  Hiding
     Insecurities
        Learned
           Over
              Previous
                 Heartbreak
                    Only
                      Baring
                        Is
                          Caution

Feel it and devour the texture,
wrap yourself tightly within
the sweet sticky taste of goodness
Would be folly for me to not want this
Believe, believe such conviction
as do these sighs I breathe
it is that, that can never prove itself pointless
Look and lay your harsh eyes down
upon the glowing coals of what remains
as this is, built up to contrast my indignant masks
Sell no less that the answer now
As I have it, I haven't as of yet known by touch
Treasure such as this, coarse, terrifying and perfect
So long the pendulum escaped the **** it caused,
age defines the difference from that reflected warmth
recollecting the dawn of my placement
they are waiting, feel it aching within
down and throughout to every cell I shed
home is calling it will not fade, so patient
Where foundations of ever lasting acceptance
disappointment is but a condition of unconditional
I see that light burns yet, even though regardless
my foolish, selfish ways have crashed as waves
against the cliffs of that place I step and fell away from
Pierces the night of my ignorance, carrying me
as the mothers arms to the babe, and love
is exactly the light that never faded,
I will be okay, I am home.  I am home.
I remember , the place that held me
A warmth, the like I want to know
They, the only unconditional
Grounding my reason, they are my own
It is late, so long now I have played
I feel it, it is time and I know they wait
a single lamp burns, showing my ways
I must find this, light piercing darkness
So that when they wake, I will be safe
I think it is past time, I find my way home

I cannot predict
What I will be.
I can only live
What I am.  -  George Belts?