A dreamer, that’s what she was.
Most people just float on, barely surviving the torrents that life throws their way.
But she was a dreamer.
She lived for the love she read of in books.
She lived for the adventure she found in their pages.
She loved for the sake of never being loved in return.
For she was a dreamer, and dreaming she was.

A dreamer, that’s what she was.
Most people just carry on, refusing to acknowledge the pain that chains them down.
But she was a dreamer.
She was trapped by her expectations.
She was trapped by her desires.
She lived for a life she would never live.
For she was a dreamer, and dreaming she was.

A dreamer, that’s what she was.
Where as others awake when their dreaming is done,
She was trapped by her dream, violently torn,
Between wishing, waiting, wanting, watching…
In search of a life that could never be hers.
For she was a dreamer, and dreaming she was.

A dreamer, that’s what she was.
But how long can she chase her dream,
Until it becomes a nightmare?
Is she a dreamer stuck in the dreaming?
Or just an addict chasing the feeling?
I was a dreamer…until life caught wind of my dreaming.

To hear “because I love you”
Is never a bad thing—
If the phrase be said with truth.
But rarely is it so, it seems,
The saying so oft abused.

Exploited to justify cruelty,
It pretends that love is selfish.
And such is how it masquerades the beauty
Of what true love really is.

Love is a drive to behave
With another in your mind;
It is as altruistic as one can get,
And necessitates one be kind.

Therefore, the reply “because I love you”
Often contradicts itself.
For if it’s used as a wrongdoing’s excuse,
Then the love is in poor health.

I am a child of God,
Lord hear my prayers
but am I the one not listening
I try to figure out the game
yet I struggle and cave
I know I am not perfect
but isnt that what you came for
help the broken, lost, and wounded
weren't you once human too?
thy will be done
I say this every night
but am I the one pulling
away
away
away
I ask for forgiveness
yet i dont forgive myself
I'm afarid of my futrue
where am I to go
what do you want from me
who am I
these thoughts fill my mind
as a reach to grab your BODY and BLOOD
and say "the body of Christ"
You will guide me
You will save me
You are my everything
You
"I created You
I know how many hairs are on your head
I know your suffering,
When I died on the cross
I thought of YOU
You are worth more than many sparrows."

I've been blessed with this curse to put my thoughts into words
Yet it feels like I'm heartless as i put my heart into this verse
These words tumbling around and round
Never making sense as they beat me down
Curses from blessings
Yet the pain that I've gained from
This game called life
This pain that'll cut sharper, harsher, deeper than
Any Knife
A pain called lessons derived from
These sticks and stones that mold me
Shinning a brighter than bright light for the world over to see
Yet over and over again like Autumn i
Shall fall
Tripped up and caught up in these
Words that i say
Even as they torment me from day to day
I showed you one side now I'll show you the other
As these miscellaneous thoughts branch off to the deepest depths of my mind
Showing a darker side yet to be revealed
Yet has yet to be sealed properly
Trust me when i say I'm offering this once in a life time chance more rare than winning the lottery
To show what has plagued me
From a day to day basis

¿No entiendes la locura de mi mente?
La locura creada por esta sociedad, por toda esta gente.
No entiendes el tumulto en mi corazón
creada por locura, no tiene razón.
Estoy desesperada.
Estoy confundida.
Simplemente para expresarme
hago un intento de ser atrevida.
Pero no entiendes,
ni yo entiendo.
Lo único que causo son miles de regueros.
Regueros familiares,
regueros incontrolables,
regueros que demuestra mi piel derramando sangre.
¿Entiendes lo que digo?
Ni sé si te sigo.
Dentro de mi hay un monstruo rogando para liberarse.
Suplica de este cuerpo que lo dejen largarse.
Detrás de las rejas se esconde
y nadie lo conoce.
¿No entiendes la locura de mi mente?
¡No soporto más la gente!
Quisiera poder vivir viviendo
que vivir muriendo…

HOW
After all these years
After all these  years.
HOW
Do I still feel the same
HOW
After all these years
After all these  years.
NOTHING
Nothing has changed
I almost forgot I was always messed up like this
I wonder
HOW
Have I managed to drown
DROWN
The voices
The pain
HOW
HOW
After all these years
After all these  years.
HOW
Do I still feel the same...

Wishing you were here
It's not the same without you near
I hate that now I live in fear
Because your gone forever
I wanted you to stay
I offered you a place to lay
Now there are no words to say
Because your gone forever
I'll hang My head as an attempt to dry my thoughts
But it will be my tears that drown me
In my onslaught
Because you are gone forever

Butterflies fly high
high in the sky
at night they try
to go somewhere to hide.
To hide from the dark
they fly and they fly
into the dark during the night sky.

In the black of night
not a twinkling light in sight
he shone as bright as the sun
too bad we were on the run

Had we not witnessed the death
not heard the last breath
we would be enjoying the party

But his mind was too preoccupied
too mystified
by the mysterious woman
consulting the doorman

Have you ever heard 'curiosity killed the cat'
boy you should have hid behind your hat
you were the guest
now your part is the test

You are ****** for all eternity
because of your naive mentality
so run you little lab rat
your being chased by the cat

I try to be the good girl,
The girl who has it all together,
But I'm not.

I'm the girl crumbling into pieces trying to find herself,
The girl who isn't sure who she is but knows what she has to be,
But that isn't the real me.

The real me wants to escape from that trapped box of everyone's expectations.
It seems impossible.
I want to find me.

But it seems to be the hardest thing that can be.
Who I am is up to me, but you see,
No one seems to understand that part of me.

have you ever felt like you were in a hurricane?
or losing a fight that wasn't a fight after all?
or feeling those feelings that aren't your's to feel?
drowned by the weight of the world and caught in its spinning wheel?
they'll say that you're not alone
they'll say that you're not the only one
but how do they know how it feels?
how can they tell you it's not real?

until they've...felt for themselves what its like to have your world cave in
suffocate on the words you can't say to the people you love and who love you most
they can't tell you that you're wrong
they can't tell you that you need to be strong
because they don't know how it feels to see the light you need to be alright
but not be able to reach, for safety

have you ever wished for something bad to happen?
cause pain is all that you know how to feel?
Guilt comes with the joy and comfort the darkness you appeal?
they'll say that you're not alone
they'll say that you're not the only one
but how do they know how it feels?
if they say it was never really real?
cause it feels so real

they need to see for themselves how it feels to be stuck in a glass box
everyone that you love is standing around
watching the world that you built burn to the ground
and as you run out of air, they say "we'll always be there"
because they don't know how it feels to see the light you need to be alright
but not be able to reach, for safety

and eventually
its like one, two, three
you'll wave that flag
let somebody in
and you'll keep telling yourself
its just a matter of time
before they see inside
and go to run and hide
from the skeletons
you hide with pride
cause for once you tried
to see the light inside
and reach for safety

how does it feel?
to know it was real?

Everyone is lonely inside,
our soul is what we fight to hide.
We believe that we seek companionship,
but our hearts are shadowed by a darker tint.
We shelter ourselves in protective glass,
trying to reach something not within our grasps.
We seek the love we cannot find,
picturing a paradise trapped within the boundries of our mind.
We will never stop wanting something better,
we are all birds with wings but no feathers.
We shall not find what we are looking for here nor there,
perpetually feeling lonely in a world marked unfair.

random words filter with each beat
pushing through the webs spun
fine silk
coarse wire
the heart being the seed.

Those beautiful eyes,
That once contained happiness,
Are now raging with anger,
Clearly displaying that the flame within you is now untamed,
Taking over as if it's your master and you are its puppet.
The cuts on your arm,
Match the ones on your heart,
Leaving scars of remembrance.
The shadows you now live in,
Consume the new you,
Gradually crushing the source of life........the pulse of what used to be.

do you know what it is
like to be at war within
yourself?
to question every thought,
action and word that escapes
the dark recesses of your
cerebral nature?
it is as though you stand
upon a double edged sword
and if you fall to one-side
you are doomed,
but if you fall to the other,
you are met with perilious
journeys
yet while making this choice,
your feet slip on the red,
hot, sticky warnings left
by others
so I walk on a tightrope
careful to find balance,
for if I slip,
and cascade down the sword,
I fear I may not be able
to climb back up
to face the mirror
oncemore.

I'm fooling myself in this game called life,
so I go to pick up a knife.
Why does being happy have to hurt?

While I'm trapped inside this prison of pain,
my eyes slowly begin to rain.
Who will come save me before it's too late?

I feel the metal freeing my skin,
though the metal is a piece of tin.
Why is no one here to help?

I feel the blood drip from my thigh to the floor.
I cry while I lie down on all four.
Does anyone even care that I am ripped open?

In the morning, my mother calls my name.
Well, to me, this was no game.
I'm sorry, I'm already gone.

Standing amidst wildfire,
I am simply an ember.
Not the flame,
Not the smoky haze,
But such inside.

Standing amidst blizzards,
I am simply a flake.
Not the wind,
Not the frigid air,
But such inside.

Standing amidst earthquakes,
I am simply a pebble.
Not the rocks,
Not the fervent shake,
But such inside.

Standing amidst this life,
I am simply a viewer.
Not the praised,
Not the powerful voice,
But such inside.

Standing amidst myself,
I still prevail.
Not the weak,
Not the failing girl,
But such outside.

I listen to the rain falling down
my eyes fill with tears but I don't know why
The quiet sound of silence illuminates the air as the feeling of sadness emerge from my heart
A midnight crow sits on my window staring back at me
A creature so misunderstood, whose beauty lies past what the eye can see
The rain reflects the piercing moon that surrounds the midnight divide
A night so beautiful, so divine
How nostalgic it is to be here
This place where I can embrace the fear
dwelling in the abyss of my deepest sorrow

If you were to ever look at me, what would you really  see?
I am not a typical person. I have a dream.
Society tells you to be a perfect person inside and out, but they need to see who we are.
Society tells you not to be gay or atheist.
My dream, is to make you see that you are not alone in the fight for acceptance.
Society will put you down, but the real fight is to love yourself.
Tell the people putting you down to *******, because you love you.
You need no recognition of who you are to be happy.
Look in the mirror and say get the hell out of the way because this is me.
A true dream, a fight, for pure happiness will never end.
But it all starts with you.

Sometimes in life you hit the numb zone.
It's like you don't know where to go from here.
There's so many places, so many opportunities,
And yet you still don't know which to choose.

Sometimes in life you just want to go back to that time.
The time when everything seemed at peace.
And you don't have to worry every night,
About who will be there for you tomorrow.

Sometimes in life you wish you hadn't said those things.
That maybe if you hadn't everything would be okay.
And then in come the "what ifs" and "then whats",
And you come to realize that nothing will ever change.

Sometimes in life you wish you could be someone else,
Because you feel like you've messed up enough already.
And you think about all those people,
The ones you miss and you wonder if they miss you too.

And then sometimes in life you just realize,
Realize that the ones who love you are already here.
And that everything happens for a reason
That those other people hurt you.

But if they hurt you,
What makes you still miss them?
I guess sometimes in life you miss the memories,
Not the person.

Scream
Cry
Call your best friend and vent
Vent
Rant
Let it out
Don't let it in
Don't let negativity take up space
In that precious precious brain
Your brain
It's incredible
It keeps you alive
Even though sometimes you wonder why
Because no matter what
Something is always
Always
Always
Going right
It doesn't always feel
So right
But trust me
When I say
There's something.
Because there's always
Always
Always
Something to be happy about.
Don't let the dark clouds take over your brain
Don't let the sunshine be covered by rain
You can't let negativity feel like a chain
You must allow happiness alone to reign
Over your mind and that precious brain
Because there is always
Always
Always
Something positive
So find it
Embrace it.

You're too…

There is nothing wrong with you
You are kind
You know just what to do
You're too…

Your not “too” anything
I don’t know what to think
You're too…

I am not pretty enough for you
But when you talk about your life
I want to be part of it
You're too…

I’m too…
You're just…
I'm not…
You are just…
You're too…

I don't know why
you look into my eyes like that
Are you trying to make me fall head over heals
In love with someone who could never love me
You're too…

When you talk I want to get closer
What is wrong with you
Thats just it there is nothing
You're too…

I am mad
But I can't be
You are just so wonderful
To get mad would be like getting mad
At an angel
You're too…

What is wrong with me
I don't know how to look at you without blushing
Without feeling like I am an ugly creature
I want this to stop
You're too…

Stop this now
I hate it
I hate…
I could never hate you
Even if you left me to die
I don't think I could
You're too…

God help me I’m falling into temptation
This man is breaking my heart
And making me happier than ever
Stop asking questions
I don't want you to know about me
I…
I want to know about you
You're too…

I hate the sound of my voice
you speak don’t make me please
I love your voice more than life itself
Uuggh
You're too…

Please don't look at me
Please don't look away
Stop staring
Please stare
You're too…

Don't ask me to dance
Please don't let me dance with anyone but you
I don't want to be in your arms dancing
Because I might make a fool out of myself
Don't let go
You're too…

I despise y…
I desire you
I dont ever want to see y…
I want to see you every day
You're too…

Stop looking at me like that
What did I do wrong
Don't touch my face
Don't move the hair away from my eyes
So I can see those eyes…
You're too…

Would you…
Could you…
Please…
You're too…

You're just too…
You are too…

You’re too perfect

Little eyes, they are always watching
As I go through fields of sunflowers and clouds of crows
They see everything I do
Little eyes

Little ears, they are always listening
As I whisper words that I throw around like pebbles into a river
They hear everything I say
Little ears

Little hands, they always do what I do
As I pick up the burdens of this life and hold them tightly to my chest
They copy everything I do
Little hands

Little mouth, they always talk as I talk
As I cast my words into a sea of disregarded lies and careless feelings
They say everything I say
Little mouth

Little feet
As I walk down the highways of shadows and allies of sunshine
They follow me wherever I go
Little feet

Amongst the midnight sky,
I stare at a rose as it dies.

Its pedals are torn and bruised,
such a precious thing to lose.

Yet, when I stare into the full moon,
I see that it will be daytime soon.

When I hear a girl's sorrowful cries,
I know that a new rose begins to arise.

Those pedals are lush and red,
nowhere close to being dead.

And as I find her inside my heart,
I know that I am not falling apart.

I finally realize who I really am,
it definitely took some time but, ****.

It was all worth it in the end.

I want to be brave.
I want to be smart.
I want to be saved.
I want a new start.

I'm constantly being pushed,
Pushed to the edge.
Knock me down, now I'm crushed.
I'm falling over the ledge.
People tell me it's going to be all right,
But how much longer do I have to fight?

I know I have a purpose in life,
But how do I reach it when I'm trapped?
Nothing to do but wish into the night.
When I ask, it's never too far from being denied.
Save me or join me; just don't say no.
I promise I won't let you go.

We're not too far behind now.
A little further up is where our future lies.
Change is something I want to allow.
From here on out, all I'll do is rise.
Lord, I need the faith.
I need the strength.

Hand is falling
Everyday, I grab a pen or pencil.
With it I scribble words all over a page or two.
It becomes a pattern, a routine.
I read and write, every night.
Till I had enough.
My hand is falling
Change pen color n highlighter,
To mark up important things.
It's too much for my hand!
Hand is falling off!
Oh,
When will this end? Perhaps it'll end with I leave?
Or will it end when I've had enough?
My poor hand.
My hand is falling off!!

If I could change one thing it wouldn't be famine, poverty, hunger, or greed.
It's not to bring world peace, or stop hate or end slavery.
Not because I don't think these are problems, they are.
It's not that I don't think they need to change, they do.
But our problem, the world's problem, is much smaller.
And yet it is so much bigger.
Money, war, race, religion, hate.
They're all part of the problem,
But the root is not the things, It's the people.
It's you.
And it's me.
So thats where I'm going to start.
Like MJ "I'm startin' with the man in the mirror."
If I can change myself I can change anything.
After all the first step to recovery is admitting.
I need to change myself,
Before I work on anyone else.
When people ask me if I could change one thing
I just say one thing. ME.
This seems to confuse people.
They always think im asking "me?"
But I'm not.
I know that they expect some book answer.
Like "Poverty." "War." or  "Global warming."
But that's not what needs to change.
I do. You do. We do.
Because nothing changes by itself.
It requires action.
You don't see trees fight back against lumberjacks.
Or oil spills clean themselves up.
Or poor countries finance their own loans.
It just doesn't happen.
In order for something to start working,
For things to change,
I need to change myself,
Change my ways.
What about you?
What will you do?

Every time I see the pain in your eyes
A little part of my heart dies
All I seem to do is cold
While I fail to cherish, fail to hold
I fail to put you first
You act your best, I act my worst
My mouth contradicts my heart
My thoughts and actions are so far apart
I drive myself mad at how stupid I am
For risking your love offhand
I bare my soul and heart
To say sorry for what I have taken part
I’m ashamed at what I have put you through
I just hope I can eventually make it up to you

The voices I heard in my head are so loud, discombobulated, overbearing,
That it makes me wonder how you can be so sure about what the hell you are talking about!

Love
The most powerful word in the universe.
Children
The most powerful people in the world.
Creating our future,
Changing our world for the better.
There are some though,
That are not able to do so.
Some that are disabled,
Some that are abused,
Neglected,
Starving,
Unloved.
Why do we treat the future like its non existent?
We need to raise the future to be creative,
To fight for whats right,
To Love one another,
And to be our Future.
We need to love these children.
Because everyone should love
And Be Loved.

Everything is broken
I told Him one more time
You gave me such fantastic wings
But I refuse to fly.
Because all the scars are open
Silence screaming, fight!
But everything is broken
I want to be alone
It’s safe here in the emptiness
It’s perfectly insane
I do not have to pretend
I’m proud of my own name
Writhing in the whispers that I tell myself I am
I don’t have to wonder if there is a promise land
It’s awful here, I know it
It’s killing me, no doubt
But if I let someone in
I might just let me out
And what, I wonder, would they think
If finally, they could see
All the brilliant consciousness
They’re hiding from, in me.

Things get hard I tell them I'll figure it out
In reality I don't know if to go right or left
Can't move a single step without being
Reminded of the pain I felt
Two step Forward
Five steps back
Sometimes I don't know how to react
I'm use to fighting
Story of my life
But let me be because I'll be alright
Mind out of body
Body out of mind
Forever I'm thinking that will be my kind
And that's just fine

Don't you just hate when
You finally open up to them
After they beg you to tell them what's wrong
And you say no for so long.
They finally crack you open
So they can hear your words spoken
So you let it out
And without a doubt
Its now all about them.
The guilt trips, black mail ect. Ect.
Just shut up honestly.
You wanted me to talk so I did
Now your acting like i was taking a dig.
You wonder why I dont talk to you
Its because this is what you always do
All I wanted was for you to see
How all this is effecting me
But no
Only your emotions are allowed to show.
So I bottle mine back up
And shut  up.
Ill comfort you now
Even though I dont know how
Im dying inside
But that, I have to hide.
To help you
Because thats what I do.
Next time just have some sympathy
So I can finally talk about me.

As the pressure rises, my shoulders fall.
Unable to carry the weight of it all,
I shatter - like glass -
into a million jagged pieces.
I become an impossible mess.
You try to clean me up.
you get cut.
you retreat.
but you can't stand to just leave me there.
I am inconvenient now.
No longer the vase that held your pretty flowers,
and ugly secrets.
So you call me ugly.
But ugly is subjective -
and I am trying
my best
to pick up my pieces
and become
mosaic.

Everyone tells me I'm gorgeous
That I have stunning features to die for,
But I must have gone blind,
Because I can't see them anymore.

When I know they're being honest,
I still think it's a lie,
I look into the mirror
I'm so ugly I want to cry.

I see a disabled person,
Or someone who's lost their arm or knee,
I see much potential in them
But can't see it in me.

Why is it my vision is impaired?
And I can't marvel at what others view
Why do I contend with myself
And see so much beauty in you?

Depression is a monster
That destroys both heart and soul.
It tortures without mercy
And consumes its victim whole.

It cripples and disables,
Making life too hard to cope.
It can make each day a nightmare
And leave a person without hope.

Some people feel this sadness
From the time that they are young,
And believe that they are different
And can't be loved by anyone.

It's reinforced by parents
Too depressed themselves to care
For that child they're supposed to love,
But instead forget is there.

Depression can be nurtured
Through violence and neglect
And fists used only to degrade
And words used to reject.

It's hidden in those bullies
Who torture and demean,
Who use their words like weapons
To destroy all self-esteem.

It's fueled by those substances,
That are used to help escape.
From that endless pain depression brings
And that unbearable heartache.

It can cause someone to just give up,
To lose all strength to fight.
It can annihilate one's very soul
And make them take their life.

Yes, Depression is a vulture
That will make anyone its prey.
There is no one who deserves it,
And there is no one to blame.

We don't need to make a judgment,
But we need to be aware
That those who suffer through this pain
Just need the world to care.

Humans see the world full of cheer and bliss,
I see it much more than this.
I believe the world is nothing but an abyss.
Then at the very end you just give in to death's kiss
Yes, life is like this.

The world I live in, the one inside my head, is much more complex
It is filled with conflicts and it's pointing at me like I'm a convict.
This world isn't sweet or cheery, it's full of misery and it's weary.
It is not because of my mother, or father.
It is not because of my siblings or teachers.
It is not the other adults or preachers.
It is all merely in my head.
These past experiences became such a dread.

My parents became divorced when I was young.
I lived with my mom, our family wasn't fortunate, no food in the fridge, and no money for the bills.
I watched my mother struggle trying to  get paid.
House to house, bed to bed, car to car.
My father constantly working, and torturing his body every single day.
I grew up witnessing my mother follow the bad life.
She was doing drugs and drinking on the sideline.
While I'm just trying to live even though my story has no outline.

My life isn't full of daisies and roses, it is full of thorns and a closet full of corpses.
People believe I'm pretty morbid, and I believe I should have been aborted.
I'm not trying to look for pity, or have anyone feel sympathy.
I'm just trying to show everyone that we all think differently.
That some of us believe we're not simple and sweet, but a bittersweet tragedy.
I am just merely an example and I hope others will understand by this sample.
This is who I am.
I am just a mere entity.
A simple alien who refuses to be a human.
I don't define myself then that will make me like the rest of them.
I am not something that is out of the dictionary.
I'm pretty out of the ordinary, because it's boring when you're ordinary.
I like to think myself as limited edition, despite the fact that my mind is in bad condition.
These demons inside causes great affliction, but it's my addiction.
I could tell more of my past but it shouldn't be mention.
Some things are better kept silent, or else it could cause tension.
This is who I am.
No one defined me, not my parents, siblings, teachers, or any preachers.
No one but me defined me, and my experiences created me.
In all honesty, I'm actually grateful for everything.
I know it's hard to tell because I spend most time with my anxiety, over-thinking,  and constant fear of being lonely.
What can I say? This depression is my obsession.
My negativity weighs on me, but I know I need redemption.
However, this story is my inception.

Does love only happen to the lucky ones,
or is it instead the tricks of the world that conspire within.
Can one be fully happy where there is love
or does love do like the wind
which continues to blow on end
Because with out it how can there be a beginning
as many Christians we know the beginning and the end
Genesis 1&2
But in this world so few can ever know the feeling...
the feeling of love; real, pure, true love
So its only true to ask does love only happens to the lonely ones.

Rain, rain, go away,
Because of you the pain will stay.
Slit my throat, cut out my heart,
Leave me here, tear it apart.

Poison tears stream down my face,
My heart beats at a steady pace
As I try to stand again;
Alone and standing in the rain.

I don't need you anymore...
Is what I think while tears pour.
I hate you like I hate my life;
But love is what cuts like a knife.

Love is death and death is you;
Its pain stains like a black tattoo.
Those memories come back again
And bind me in the ropes of pain.

Crimson blood streams down my head
Like a long, silk ribbon, tied by a thread,
To a platinum bullet, a hole in my skull...

...Now just a memory that's faded and dull

Summers almost over...
You have now left...
The horror begins.

Cold veins,
Dizzy gaze,
Slurred Speech,
And unstable feet;
This is all I'll ever be
A sad sight for all to see.
The frigid bathroom water drips from my old face,
They fall delicately with such grace.
And as I look up to observe
At a hard face that is so unpreserved
All I see
Is a face that does not belong to me.
The face my eyes stare apon
Is someone I thought I had with such a strong bond.
I thought you were someone I could honor,
But you were just my drunken father.

The harsh words you have ever directed towards me
Echo above on a constant repeat,
“You’ll never be good enough”
“You’re looking kinda rough”
“You’re just my walking paycheck”
“All you ever do is wreck”
“You are the only regret I wish I could undo”
“I hate you”

If not watching closely the single tear that has now mixed
With the droplets of splashed water would have been missed.
In my dream the eyes in this endless reflection
Are full of sadness and realization;
Realization that you are all alone, and the once vibrant
Bedroom occupied by me is now vacant.
It wasn’t you that pushed me away, but
It was merely your mind tainted with the poison of alcohol that felt like a kick to the gut
All this man feels now is regret for all the time that has come to pass
If only you had just put down your whiskey glass.

When I awaken from my slumber
I don’t feel sadness only hope and wonder
Hope that this dream will become reality,
And hope that I will once again see
My father as he was meant to be.
Sober,
Letting this horrid nightmare be over.

You have pushed me
To who I have come to be.
Once a scared little girl,
Now stronger than any white pearl.
Daddy you were never my strongest positive  influence,
And I will not push you to feel any repentance.
I will prove all of your cruel words wrong,
Sadly because of you I am now strong.

The measurements will never be right
The numbers on the scale will never be small enough
The clothes are always too big or too tight

Eating anything is eating too much
Excuses like I already ate and such
Until I'm pretty there is something more important to feed

They won't like me unless I run
Mile after mile it is never enough
Try to convince myself that it's fun
To push my limits even if it's tough

I never look right
Nothing is flattering
I'm not going to fight
That my hope is shattering

I got thinner and they started to talk
The compliments came
They don't know the road I had to walk
I have no one to blame

I wanted to starve
Like it wouldn't do me harm
They dont notice when I skip meals
Until I show the pain on my arm

I need friends not food
Not thinking about it is key
I just cant change my mood

They know what's going on
But they will never know how deep
The knife goes when I see something wrong
Then again depression will start to seep

Every time I eat I feel like I fail
After there is always a blood trail
I won't eat until I’m frail
I really do despise The Scale

No tears can explain
No words can describe
The pain that is killing
Deep inside..
I know truth hurts
But it even hurts twice
When you try to comfort
Yourself with lies..

I want to feel something
Not just the blade upon my arm
I want to love someone
That won’t do me any harm
I don't want to cry anymore
I want more than just my blood on the floor
I want to know more
Than just my tears
I want to reach for something
Not just run from my fears
I want to feel like I’m enough
Am I enough?
I want to enjoy life with no strings attached
I don't want to dread being attacked
I don't want to feel alone anymore
I want to know what I’m living for
I want to end it all
But I’m still scared to fall
I don't want anymore scars
I’m not asking for the stars
I want to be worth anything
I want death to stop calling
I want to be loved
I want to rise above
This pain
I want the lies to stop replaying
I want to stop cutting
I don't want to find myself in the mirror
I want the truth to become clearer
I want to eat and not force myself to throw up
I don't want to grow up
I want to stop skipping meals
I never want anyone to know how it feels
I want him to come back
I want him to leave
I want to be on track
I want to believe
There is anything good about me
I want to stop feeling this self pity
But I’m done
I want to run
Am I good enough?
Am I worthy?

They say time heals all and you will forget the ones that have hurt you

No matter what they say you continue to remain untrue

You feel an emptiness in your heart because you loved them completely

For what reason? Because afterall they are the ones who tore your heart to pieces

You gave them your all because you thought they were different

You trusted them and so you told them your secrets

They keep appearing in your thoughts although they shouldn't be

Because they were the only ones you bothered to give a chance

Fantasizing of a last embrace

But that won't happen because they left you essentially everything to find anything

In the end you were left with nothing and the only thing you could do is let go

Because you care about them so much and that is the only thing you could do.

This is how we deal with things
Red, blue, purple, green
Splashes of paint against the canvas of life
Leaving our marks in the world

Black

The color of tragedy and of growth
Growing from the ground we walk on
Criticism taken; a better artist created

Yellow

Stereotypical isn’t it?
Of happiness and life
But also of illness, of worry, and flowers in the waiting room
There’s another streak on the canvas
How many more before it’s filled?

Aqua

Drinking and paint water
Vital to life
There’s a calmness around aqua
That makes you feel at peace,
A false sense of serenity created

Purple

For too many thoughts inside our heads
We can’t get them all out
Confusion, royalty, and pride
Pride in knowing that we’re contributing to society
And confusion on how to put it out there
Another streak on the canvas

Magenta

A confusing color, magenta
An equal mix of similar colors – pink and red
Happiness and anger
Or the colors of the flowers next to a grave
Perhaps of the bike next to a coffee shop
that you go on your first date

Green

We’re taught to love green
The color of money, of nature, of all good things
And the color of the carpet at your grandma’s house
The difference you made there
The color of a soldier’s uniform before going to battle
More streaks go on the canvas

Look where you are now
A beautiful concoction of colors, of experiences
That otherwise wouldn’t have existed without the bad moments
Look in the mirror; you’ve changed lives
Congratulations artist

Another masterpiece created

Love.
How simple that word is except it has been misunderstood; illused,
Media portrays it everywehere.
So much so, it's shoved down our throats.
Some say love is forgive and forget; blood runs thicker.
But what about the one who manipulates, anillates, and isolates this thing.
This little thing called love.
L-O-V-E
it puts the L in "love me just as I am,"
the O in "Over and Over please forgive me,"
V in whispered in the "Very unpredictable challenges that come" and E.
E as in"Every day remind me with those sweet tender nothings. "
We wish for the old timey love but instead we now wish,
for the love where we grow old, and it doesn't matter what time makes us look like.
The love where we don't want to get the phone.
The love where we pursue through the tough times.
Where we don't give up after just one fight.
Or we misuse our words.
Kind of like the word love.
I've heard it gets misused a lot.

Demons go up to me suddenly talking nonsense,i am like God is this real? He nods and says revelation apocalypse, so i kneel and ask for strength to hold on to the throne because i know when people hear this, demons won't leave me alone.Heaven is my home to me for earth i'm just a guest, i'm suggesting suicide for them they don't know Jesus bled, too much blood shed they fed believers with torment, i use my phone i call my lord not simply because i'm not bored but its because i did my chores, and i'm not a woman of war. It's a spiritual battle they channel me with words,but birds give me strengh and wisdom so i kick them to the curb. Do not disturb me with your deals because my truth is real, you could **** or torture me but my life will be chill,until the day i rise my poetry will be something just like an offering at church. I'm thankful God gave me this blessing.

You would never know it,
The constant pain I feel,
Because in the light of day
It almost isn't real.

Sure, I'll play, I'll laugh,
I'll sing some songs,
But that pain is always lurking
Because it's been here all along.

And when the darkness comes
With its all-consuming power,
It slowly takes my soul
Hour by dreadful hour.

But they tell me that I'm strong enough.
They swear that it gets better.
They say, "If you can just hold out
and bear this stormy weather."

They tell me, "You will be happy one day.
All you need do is fight."
But what they seem to forget
Is after each day comes the night.

And so I act along.
I play my part
While this crushing darkness
Slowly breaks my heart.