i am not lost, nor am i found
simply laying on the surface
my thoughts seem like no longer mine
burying desires deeply inbetween
bringing calamity, or longing for it
who am i to reach for the stars

my nails still miss the scratches
they left around your neck
closing the gap between being
and breathing with you
it keeps me wondering
if we were lost in our time
or have we even never had it
two lost causes bonded with souls

life makes me forget that
your name is burned into my flesh
and it still rests on the verge of my tongue
silently murmurs the day i no longer
have felt the pride of submission

I have never thought that feeling empty
could bring me happiness and relief
and I would have never said that I
would be laying, cold and alone in my bed
at 1AM on a Saturday night, believing
believing that the best is yet to come and
you've finally set me free by breaking me
because who will find a better piece of match
for my shattered body and soul, stuffed with cries
than my own hands, my own legs leading me the way

I've certainly written a scenario in my mind
and I've been rehearsing to play this part for too long
astonished, I've read it a thousand times
paying attention to everything but details
and oh, what a fool I've been promising myself
that I would once find the pattern in the stars
that had led me to you, broken and bruised
oh, what a fool I am not for reminding myself
I know my own self the best
having created the concept of my own existence
and passing it into your hands, without realising
that my own demons were always human
without a doubt crossing my path only to bring
the only things I've ever feared, but still
I find my heart more of a decoy than a perception
of all the events existing only n alternative universes
and yet I still manage to underestimate my experience
and keep re-opening the wounds, cutting deeper

why would I ever trust myself
when my own body wants to reach self destruction
putting me on the edge with every decision,
when did I lost the ability of longing to be my own
have I ever belonged to myself anyways?

it feels like
you've given your every single bone
to the idea of existing
inside of someone else's head
promising yourself
you would never force yourself again
to love, to hurt and to be hurt
yet it feels
you've given too much already
to stop feeling
like you've ever belonged to yourself

bruised knuckles
forcing their way
through the concrete of your guts
trapped in your own cage of dreaming
to mean something to yourself

my lips still feel the saltiness
after mumbling your name
and I still cannot swallow the words
with water freezing in my lungs
my skin burns from your touch
and blood is boiling in my veins
soon, I will be nothing more than a tinge
and you will lay me on your tongue

tell me,
what does my love taste like to you

the ache burns my fingertips
as I bathe in self-hatred
I am letting my guards down again
vulnerability taking over my body
viciously staring into your soul
envying the grace of your sadness

leaves on the branches losing time
falling out of colour
and me, pretending I'm not waiting
for the winter to come around
to cover me with snowflakes
to burn the patterns on my skin
for your eyes to follow

go ahead, break my heart once more
I'll let you in as soon as you ask
endlessly, stuck in a state of mind
of caring about the worst


when did I become a ghost
inside of a dead body
following the madness that is loving

I bloom in your smile
please, keep me growing
keep me spreading my roots
around your neck, lovingly
soothing unity it is
glowing on the inside
watering the petals
nested in my lungs
why do you keep on
insisting
you are but a liability
harvesting my plants
with your incovenience
or was it
lack of reciprocation