it's the maddening hunger
that runs down my spine,
my nerves, they are loose,
glowing like fireflies
I cut myself open for this glory pain,
like the sky opens itself
for the pouring rain
a reddish coat covers my pale skin
and I feel great
  I am sane, sane, sane

Life is this tiny space
between
infinities

A finger‘s width full of
love and despair and
the desire to be
free

my hair sways in the wind
and I am free
upon the hills
under the greenest of trees
no blood in my veins
no skin on my bones
just the universe
inside of me

Let‘s create an alternative reality
We can escape to
If the world goes under
And we only have each other
Left

A lullaby for
The sun to set

All those puddles  
Of fallen rays
In our home-cities
Pouring, flowing
Into our hearts
The beat of places
We long for
From afar

against the wall
little bird
red, red, red
again and again
where is your head?
again and again
you turn purple
red bird
but your anger
has always, always
been unheard

Eclipse in the sky
Abolished wonders
Yet the stars fly
Out of the universe
And into your mind

my arms wave in the wind
I am here alone
melting into a puddle of grey
the sea level has risen
and you cannot save me anymore
tonight the ocean will gain
another lost angel of august

A wooden palace for the dead
had everyone came in black
flowers, voices, mother earth was awake
To celebrate, regret and retract

The living came to purify their souls
By invigorating adorned cathedrals
And singing songs about loss

Almost as on a causal wedding day
They did not come to celebrate the dead
But to cry about the left behind
Together, to feel more alive

And they were dancing
Around the gone
Voices creating vibration of air
Which sounded peacefully
To the song of despair

She can only be found by the sea,
My darling, my love, my second me.
The highest tide of my life,
My darling, my love, my lonely wife.
She had to run, run to find the reason why,
She went where the ocean meets the sky.
The absence of her presence can not be fair
But how she craved for the feeling of despair

Now she can only be found by the sea,
My darling, my love, my second me.
A poetic presence of a wish to die
Every imaginable moment I feel her cry
So I run, run to find the reason why,
I go where the ocean meets the sky.

The sun warms my salty skin
and my pores open to let your love in.
I feel as beautiful as the ocean,
I am my greatest muse.
Today was a good day darling, see,
I have captured every second of my daydreaming,
pinned those very pictures to my wall.

And you wonder why I never get out of bed, though I keep talking about the colour palette of my romantic days.
Your wind has not shifted - but my winter has come. You can’t hear the children in me cry.

Suffocating happens through minor incidents like your softly spoken words searching for an affectionate listener.
I cannot breathe, my god, don‘t you understand?
Winter has come, and I am trapped in a fourteen-year-old‘s body trying to figure out where she went wrong.
It has been cold for a decade and the sun still burns holes in my chest.
I do not need you to understand, for you are my sun, my light, my temple. I need you to see the shadows in which I wander, the orphans I have left behind -
My skin has weathered, and I cannot find the right sunscreen to care for it.

The parched soul
Yours, which now rests above
Look,
Our eyes tear lifeless;
Arrows through the ripped-out heart.
The almighty pain,
How it tears us apart.
Who are these cabals,
The desecrators of finiteness,
Driven by divine voices?
Oh, come back darling

it has always saddened me
how they compared themselves,
twisting and turning every
inch of their bodies
until emptiness became necessity,
and necessity became torture

because the desire to fit into a body
that society had shaped for them
had grown in their hearts
like a tsunami deep down
in the darkest waters

how many tears have I shed
trying to understand how
intense their pain must be
that they denied what we call life
because they felt they already had
too much of it inside them

out of your fingertips it flows
the dark blue river
to swallow the sun and
destroy the paper towns
you could never bond with
the simplicity of things,
neither with the universe
nor with yourself
so you try to let the
flood decide over
what‘s going to vanish
and what‘s going to stay

thus you walked down
the holy aisle, all alone
and I see, the rotten coat your
skeleton has worn for eternity
is now severed from your soul
and you are enlightened,
you fathom the complexity
that arouses in the layers of your skin

what an eloquent way to
no longer suffocate in the
impalpable sepulchre of life,
but to be salvaged again

all the dead sunflowers
in my mind
they were drowning
in the vacuum
I gave them up
to see them
loosing their
blossoms
and I felt so
incredibly powerful
as I drowned
myself too

within these holy walls my soul shall rise
still, I wear the smell of death like a perfume
a mind of both faith and sorrow
endlessly writing in runes
and the ink stains my translucent hands
all the blue and green of my veins
I cannot stand the fluent life in my body
maybe I shall bleed out

I think with a heavy heart
about the futile attempts
to persuade you to live

My drenched socks
the cold rain
the music playing
our overcast sky
outside, on the rooftop
without any warmth
just the endless
darkness of life
all wrapped up
in my little brain
and my throat hurts
but my breath still
forms white wisps
and I couldn‘t be
more dead
at least for tonight
because tomorrow
I will even die twice

i run my fingers
through the many shades
of my life
and find a thousand
******-up memories of mine
so i take a gun
and shoot them down;
i **** my brain

one cell by one

it is spring and I hum to turquoise beginnings
Armageddon is not today, I remind myself,
to be born and reborn; I am formed like clay
I am the sound of people winning,
Las Vegas and its men in grey,
I am the infinite seeds of tulips,
and the sunlit tides on a golden day

it is spring and I do not belong in warmer spheres
the devil holds me tight, I remind myself,
I am not yet gone, I still walk by his side
I am the only remain of my shepherd‘s geese,
I am tied to this hell and all its pride,
and I am the hell, and I am the pride

I am lost in my body and in all it contains,
I hum and I cry, am in pain or feel high,
I am the moths in my closet,
and the clothes, and the clay,
I am the seeds and the tide,
and the only lost goose here in May

right now my hands hold me tight,
so I remind myself:

it is summer, and you have decided to stay;

and far, far away there is eternity
still, I am horribly limited, but
one day, my friend, I will rise
I will be on the other side of the universe

tomorrow.
five hours between a hundred strangers, writing for my life.
my finals are starting, my hair is falling out, my self harm worsens and my anxiety is reaching for the stars.
tomorrow.
trying to decipher the text in front of me, that is not only black ink but letters and words, even sentences.
I need to calm down.
how do I calm down?
I am burning, crying, screaming.
I am hiding silently in my bed, knowing my body - loving as it is - provides me with enough bacteria to cough. my burning throat matches my inability to talk, to think, to see.
tomorrow.
the hours are counted, my life is not ending.
why is it not ending?
do I need it to stop?

please make it stop.

it had been a slow day
it was summer, the heat was unbearable
you were knocking on my door
I was afraid, I didn’t want to open,
I wanted to slit my wrists and bleed out in bed

„oh hello lovely“

he couldn't see how she clenched her jaw to swallow her mothers servility;
and he would certainly never
understand
why she did not want to be torn apart
by the looks of virile men

your glassy eyes
tirelessly staring at mine
   we both keep our lives
out of each other’s sight
still, we sleep in the same bed,
but our hearts do not beat
in the same rhythm, and
when we touch we cannot feel
    each other’s warmth

oh our tired bodies,
fighting against these constant
urges to run,
   far, far away from ourselves
and rain is pouring down our backs,
even when the sun
shines
  
but darling,
our love has ended many times
once in September, once in July
    we will find back to
    each other again,
when we’ll have crossed oceans
in search of our light
     maybe in June, maybe in May
our love will revive

[ I promise ]