Sabika

Sabika Apr 2022

All I ask for
Is a little bit of your love,
A little bit of your sacrifice.
No,
Your words alone don’t satisfy.
Give me a little bit of your skin,
Wrap around me and tell me it will be alright.
I want to feel your heartbeat,
And let it calm mine.
Give me a little bit of your love,
A fraction of your time.
Show me how much I mean to you
If there’s any worth to this life of mine.

I don’t want to feel like a burden,
Like a waste of your space.
I shouldn’t be an afterthought,
Or your personal project,
Proof for yourself that you can fix the ‘broken’.
If it’s not natural I don’t want it.
If it’s not sincere you can keep it.
If you don’t love me in that way,
Don’t pretend.
I’m fragile, I’m sensitive,
I just want this pain to end.

So give me a little bit of your attention,
Your concern,
A little bit of your curiosity.
It shames me to ask,
So just give it freely.
Show me that you’ve designated
Space for me in your mind,
That I have an effect on your heart.
Show me that you’re sorry for the way I feel,
But even in this state you find me in,
You don’t want us apart.

All I am asking for
Is a little bit of your friendship,
A little bit of your generosity, your mercy.
Don’t use this as proof that you’re a kind person,
Use this as proof that you love me
Even if it’s inconvenient,
Because I will do all this for you and more.
You are a life that I adore,
And I will honour you accordingly.
So give me a little bit of something
You have reserved just for me.

Sabika Mar 2022

Nothing

Can’t you see me crying?
Flames gnawing at my skin?
Can’t you hear my belting cries
Deep from the underbelly,
From the darkest depths within?

How much longer must you hide from
That which you’re not willing to address?
You put on a mask in your own home,
You cannot see what is amiss.
Must I spell it out for you?
Must I make it painfully clear that I am suffering?
Baffled by the change in behaviour,
You point the finger at me and say
I am to blame!
Is there no introspection on your part?
No patience when asking questions?
No curiosity when seeing my pain?
No time. No time at all.
No proof to hold,
My struggle must be in vain.

Nothing.
I get nothing from you.
No warmth.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
So cold, cruel, callous.
I cry I cry
I make puddles, pools,
Still you won’t believe me.

#nothing #nothingness #empty #frustration #frustrated #depression #depressed #lonely #loneliness #isolation

Sabika Mar 2022

A Cloudy Sky

A cloudy sky is a terrifying one.

See it’s subtle ripples
Through the brisk autumn wind.
See how close they come to suffocate,
As they trap the light within.
Ebb and flow,
They shrink and grow,
Patched, attached, detached,
Never-ending.
A cloudy sky is terrifying.

See the colours dull.
Everything washed over with a grey hue.
Don’t get me wrong,
I still find it beautiful.

Heads are lowered and humbled.
Travellers move faster with direction.
Chats are shortened.
Thinking “get out of the way of a rainy day.”
Like a cloudy sky is an affliction,
Strengthening the addiction to the sun.
A cloudy sky is a terrifying one.

#satire #ironic #irony #cloudy #clouds #sky #depression #anxiety #rain

Sabika Mar 2022

Epitome of Man

Who is to heal
This broken heart?
Who is to save
My sinning soul?
Who is to tell me
Right from wrong?
Who is to fill
This gaping hole?

And when I search for an answer
I get an answer alright,
But it’s never so simple.
I’m maybe only a little lost
But I’m still lost alright,
Deluded until I’m exposed.

But I’ve made my resolve
I know what I must do.
But the tide and the winds
Keep shifting my view.
And now look at me,
Look at me and you,
Miles apart,
Nothing like the start,
Is it too later to turn this around?
Am I too high up to come back to the ground?

I want to be loved,
By both man and by God.
I want to feel it in my bones,
I want to feel it in my heart.

You say this is a test.
When I sleep I do not rest.
I can’t say I’m doing my best
When the wind takes hold of my chest.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am not fit to lead my hand!
I am weak,
The epitome of man!

For as long as I live
I will struggle.
There’s no longer a living model.
And my nature will see it’s limits.
It’s a mercy,
When all there’s left are minutes.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am running out of time!
I’m turning my heart blind!
So save me from myself.
Save me from my kind.

Sabika Mar 2022

Trust

Could you separate life
From the living,
The scripture
From the pope?
The teacher
From their history
Could you find that glimmer
Of hope?

Could you forgive
Betrayal?
If not
Do you have a limit?
Could you see weakness
And still
Accept it?

What if it never amends
Or if it’s never acknowledged?
Could You forgive and forget a broken promise?
Could you trust?
Could you be trusted?
Could you fix what is broken
Without the knowledge?

Maybe you could
If you had to choose between
Losing a part of yourself
And losing something dear to you.
Or if you had to choose between
Being alone
And forgiving someone who has wronged you.

And could you
Accept an apology
Of someone who
Has done something
They could never take back?
Could you accept an apology
For a pattern
Occurring behind your back?

I will not be walked all over.
I will not be taken as a fool.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
But
What you did to me,
To us,
Was nothing short of cruel.
And I don’t know if you mean it
When you said you were sorry
Or you’re only sorry
Now that you can’t hide
The consequences,
Now that I have to
Deal with this
For the rest of my life.
And I love you,
But
If forgiveness means
To trust you one more time,
I wouldn’t be able to lie.

#trust #question #betrayal #betray #betrayed #heartbroken #broken

Sabika Mar 2022

Do You Still Not Know Me

Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
Was it my fault for not telling you
Or for you never asking?
Did I deceive you because
I was reserved?
Did it ever occur to you that
I could be suffering in silence?
Yet let me ask again
Do you still not know me after all these years?
What am I to you
Who am I to you
What do I seem like to you?
Because you are baffled by my reaction
To your cold shoulder
Your blunt response
Telling me to deal with it
On my own
Like I’ve always done.
And I don’t know
If you can see
What it is you’re doing
But you’re making this
So much harder for me.
And I wonder
Do you still not know
Who I am after all these years?
And yet these tears
These familiar tears
Glide on my cheeks
Reminding me that I’ve always been
Deeply lonely.
Deeply.
And when I make a noise
It’s like no one listens
It’s like I’m in a dream
And you’re all in a daze,
And I’m not sure
If it was me who dug this
Deep dark grave.

#lonely #loneliness #depression #depressed #sad

Sabika Feb 2022

God's Watching

Rusted green,
Blood drops gleam
Drip by drip.

My lust is important.

"Wait."
Why wait?

God is watching.
Staring down.
Never blinking.
Hearing every sound.

So close your eyes and
Take a deep breath.
It all disappears when you're deep
In darkness.
So fall a little deeper,
Sink a little faster,
It shouldn't take long
And how much harm can a few minutes do?

Eyes are sunken.
Eyes are soar.
So agitate and play a little more
Until I am satisfied.
Is it ever enough?
Let's make it darker,
Make it more rough.
These are the good stuff.

Wait! Wait!
God is watching,
Staring down!
I can't hide under the covers when
Everything is see-through.
But how much harm can a few minutes do?

Oh isn't he sweet? Isn't he lovely?
Never wants anything to harm me.
Let me just break a small promise,
I swear I'm a little sorry.
What is God willing to do
For these minutes I choose to spend?
As long as blood remains under the skin,
Shouldn't it be okay in the end?

#god #watching #godiswatching #spiritual #spirituality #sin #reflect #guilt #shame #health