The second time I hung out with my now boyfriend,
I swear I coated on 7 layers of chap stick.
I told myself the night before to hurry up and wait,
let the anticipation and excitement grow, and take it slow.
But guess what I did,

I kissed him... right on the lips... or chin, maybe.
I rushed at his face at 100 miles per hour,
and I'm surprised he didn't dodge or even *** when he saw.
Yet instead he said he melted into a puddle on the floor,
while at the time I had hummingbirds drag racing in my stomach.

He also claimed his plans were ruined,
that I initiated his going-to-be action first.
With that I suddenly mocked, “yeah well, don't worry, you'll be finishing first anyway”.
And as his face slowly morphed into a tomato,
I realized how the best things in life are usually impulsive,
and how hurry up and wait usually means,
hurry up and delay.

With my womanly looks,
I shall ****.
These child bearing hips always
fuel a thrill.


My blood stained lips and
gunmetal eyes will surely
make a man's ego
plummet,

go downhill.


I am a lover, but no,
I do not transform for you.


Do not complain about the ink on my face,
for I am my own writer,
so please give me my space.

Learn to love me coated or not
because I live for me, but also your embrace.

The tickle you bring to my heartstrings
reverberates to my complexion
leaving a laughing, parted smile.

The warmth you bring to my core
rises to my touch
leaving a reassuring print on your thigh.

The gaze you lock upon mine
makes it hard to part away.

You could bring me riches,
and I could bring you gold.
But nothing can compare
to the wanting of us growing old
together with the same print on
your thigh and my permanent
laughing smile.

Prior to 18 years,
I didn't know what home meant
until I shuddered at the thought of leaving my family
and dependency became a luxury.

Prior to poetry,
I didn't know what exhale meant
until I inhaled the negative to ink my pen
and felt my chest sink in to create a healthy mechanism on paper.

Prior to love,
I didn't know what unconditional meant
until a wholesome you became visible
and yet, still fully wonderful.

Prior to death,
I didn't know what getting taken care of meant
until you were taken by disease
and taken away from the soil.

You put up with me,
day by day.
Yet you enjoy it,
you always say.

I can't wrap my head around you,
I no longer want to decay.

You're so good to me,
so I pray and pray
for you to stay around,
day by day.

The mourning doves sing their songs
about 3 miles away.
Chirping of despair, beauty, angst
and then of better days.

Mourning dove, thou is free!
The world is your cage,
and thy wings may take you beyond.
So why do you speak of sorrowful pleas?

Why sing at dusk, o mourning dove?
When the day is folding in,
and the sky drips pastels on its canvas;
perhaps falling from above.

I do not know why you sing, sad sad mourning doves.
Yet I still sing along, and rather leave questions unsaid.

I think I made you up inside my head,
I yell in between the lines of words I should've said.
I convince them it's really not me, but
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I want to drop dead at the sight of you,
past six feet under, unfortunately making enough room
for us two.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The whole world crumbles when I hear you speak,
screeching my sorrows, blurting my name.
I wish you didn't weaken my already fatigued physique.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

You're composed of doubts and wait for collapse;
until I start where I was always at.
You leave me with chasms, unfilled gaps.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

You're from Hell itself, the deepest of low.
They're from Heaven, and left without a note.
How many more shots until the final blow?
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

My heart races,
and you came in first place.

There's no competition,
all is fair in love and war.

With you there will be no repetition,
you run to me with all your ambition.

Thanks for being my simple addition,
causing me a better condition.

Our jokes align as much as the stars that brought me to you
Humor is the sexiness that draws me closer, giggling about
Whenever you're near, I'm never a shade of blue

Your word play, I adore
It only leaves me wanting foreplay, shedding clothes
Who knew puns could leave me undressed, on the floor

You laugh at your own mistakes
The red flush to your face, is the sun I want to bathe in
Your heart, I'll never break

Don't hide your face
For you could never do something worth a “sorry”
Because my love is more infinite than space

So please, exercise that goofy smile
And promise me you'll stay for awhile

spent my whole life staring at the receiver
waiting for my calling

to receive you
I jolted awake
after sleeping on the living room couch
coated in impatience

you have a ring to your name
and a bell in my heart

A thousand ellipsis on paper,
a hundred more pauses.

Irony is when you can write
brilliant stories
on how you feel,
what you'll do,
or where you'll go,

but still stutter explaining the simplest sentence.


There's blood on my hand,
from how hard I hit the paper,
splattering metaphors hoping to find
evidence that this is normal,
the fact I can't find the exact, blunt words,
in this crime scene,
of a ****** mystery I once wrote,
still stuttering,
trying to find the obvious killer.

These multiple perspectives never expanded my view,
but only made me lose sight of myself.

What I stood for disappeared when I lost myself in you
and no,
it's not your fault,
completely.

I gave myself away when you only wanted small pieces hand fed,
and only if you said please.

So I'm sorry that I stuffed my love in a person who became unprepared.

My eyes were bigger than the weight on your shoulders.

stuck in the troubled position of deserving you and deserving to be alone

i often placed my head on my pillow as it whispered reassurance for the hope i'll always have into my left ear
and i often sacrifice a full night's sleep for a continuous daydream of you

but that was before i realized that we were built out of paper patience and cardboard perseverance
it only took a liter of lies and a spark of convincing
that burnt us to the creaky floor of something i knew was going to happen
but never wanted it to
our love was the catalyst for brokenness after all


i just never thought it would be something we said would never do

said i would never do

that did just that

i wanna like, you know
kiss you so hard we can't tell which set of lips is whose

i hope you don't mind, but
you make the wax drip down my body and harden at my feet
you make me stand when i am weak
and you'll forever be the fire that helps me go

i mean, like
there's more secrets to be shown about you and me
and more whispers to be heard

so to be honest,
i'm all ears for every sentence, phrase, word, breath you want to speak

because, i'm really, i guess
deep in love

and like
i try to explain how much i do

but really,
i add unnecessary words because i am at lost for how much you mean to me

so basically like,
you're my everything


honestly

you came into my life like a punch to my jaw
and all my rotten teeth fell as love circled my head
and sedated me with all its gorgeous dreams

but oh my god, under all the gas fogging up reality
my mouth started to ache
and i could no longer whisper the words that could've made you stay
because i was numb on the actions, convinced that it would've made you walk away

but i bit my tongue 'til i could taste the metallic satisfaction of silence and regret


all i have is body language now my dear
and i can barely crawl, yet alone act like i'm fine

today, we can be tone deaf
and cringe at the notes our love once symphonized
today, we can be left handed
and **** up the paper our story was on
today, we can be mute
and let the silence speak for itself
today, we can be blind
and never see it coming

but tomorrow,
we can orchestrate
we can draw
we can speak
and we can see
everything we ever wanted to happen

grow up with me
grow up with me because we still have a lot of experiences and living to go through before we grow old together
but at least we'll never grow apart

we'll start off with achy knees and torn elbows from rough housing in my backyard
sweating trying to prove a sense of dominance over one another
laughing because we swore we broke at least 3 bones
laughing because we're a pretty equal match to each other
//
laughing because there's no reason to be the alpha when love conquers
laughing because just like skin our feelings bruise but there's no permanent shade of purple on our hearts, because our feelings heal and they will never die

we can stay out past dinner time and then come home to our mothers lecturing us about how to be safe and how to tell time
but really, we were only around the block, at the park
but our mothers would still believe we were across the country
and while their anger leaks we can just giggle to ourselves because our imaginations took us places that were far beyond the country

I just think it's ironic because right now, in this moment, you are across the country
no imagination required

i'm dreaming i'm holding hands with the most important girl
writing letters with my palms giving her the anticipation she needs for eternity
scribbled with hopes and promises describing how it'll pass
how she deserves so much more than what her world has to offer
stories upon stories on how she strives and strives again
even if she trips over life's constant cracks

she believes there's nothing here for her
but i am here for you
and you'll never leave
and we'll be okay

darling, i am you and i know it's hard to see the progress your entwining fingers with
it's hard to see the future which is impossible to predict
and that statement is true because all you anticipated was the word shrinking its portions of happiness until you starved to permanent sadness

but what you don't know is that
achievement is near
and you exist

and i'll mail these words to the me i wish i could've spoken to

i'm saying goodbye to your empty promises
shallow swears
because just like the human case
love requires the vital heart
but baby you were a surgeon
who didnt put me under any sleep
you promised me the world
you promised you would stay
so i lay here empty
waiting for time to pack my soul
i'm tired of being patient

i think it's ironic
because i thought i was the most cold hearted person until you came into my life late december
and made my heart bloom like my grandmother's gardens in the midst of may
currently that is the date and now you've given me the cold shoulder
so now i'm frozen over by the gusts of your denial

i cant hear properly
when hate has the horrid screams of sirens
and i am just the unknown author of this myth
i am believed to be true
explaining the unexplained, unmentioned
but if all the so called confidence i radiate is phony and false

what really am i?

the only thing i'm sure of is that i am my most hated part of literature
maybe it's because i never took the time to appreciate and delve deep
get lost inside what was supposedly true
and conflicts with the life of christ

maybe i never took the time to appreciate
the miles of how far i've gotten
get lost inside my ignorance
and find the treasure i wasn't focusing on in the darkness
because i was so focused on the chanting sirens

but when i returned to my loved ones
rejuvenated at the least
i couldn't hear their congratulations
the typical phrases of showing how proud you are

because i was deaf
and i realized i didn't hear
anything but my own voice
but everything is amplified
when you're by yourself

i think i found you, comfort
after you escaped my being some time ago
you ran away from the big bad demons
thinking they'd conquer
and swallow you whole

and even though your absence was the catalyst
of my dying nights through the years
i'm happy you're home

i just hope you realize
these demons still linger
they hide, they'll appear
vulnerability is inevitable
but i still hope you'll stay
and charge through the weakest days

i just hope you realize
your stay may not be
the best choice for you
but that doesn't mean
it will be regretful and wrong
because afterall
you noticed your mistakes
and improvement is your final call

insecurities
there are way too many of
them to form a hai

i was never very confident
but when i lost you
i was confident that i lost it all

i've been living in your old room
the AC never kicked in quite right
but i still feel breezes of air caress my body right into my core
and i like to think they're you
and not the cracked window a few feet away from me
letting in the taunts of the world that lost its colors once you were lowered within it

sometimes i wish i was down in the living room
so you could come back to your old room
instead of the children's hospital
even though you were 18
the dry atmosphere caused the worst of nosebleeds
but that was just minor to the pain you were going through

you came home
but you were in the living room
i was still wishing you could come back to your old room
i would happily fold all my t-shirts and pack them in a suitcase
just for storage
because i could never leave you for more than an hour

i was unfamiliar with the word "hospice"
until you were taken under their care
i know our humidifier has been broken for some time now
but they rolled that clanky bed in
and the oxygen that the whole family breathed
just got dryer
because of your new mattress and matching sheets
similar to the one that you've slept in while the chemotherapy was entering through
making you brittle, bare and pale

on an early summer morning i witnessed the biggest irony in my life
you died in the living room
and i started to hate myself more as i watched your chest pump its last breath that you would ever take
i started to hate myself because maybe if you were in the old room i fall asleep in every night
it would somehow make you live a little bit longer
like that makes any ******* sense

..
i should've seen it coming
i should've seen it coming because a few nights before you were trying your best to play the sly cooper collection on the PS3
because it was your favorite series and you passed out because of all the morphine in your body dulling the pain
but i thought video games would ease that pain better because of the nostalgic value
so i just hoped you were reminiscing of the ability to actually hold a controller properly
even if the drugs took up 80% of your personality
basically i should've seen it coming because games were your passion
and it was let go so effortlessly

it'll be 3 years in august
and i swear despite what i just wrote it's getting easier
and on your death date
we travel
because god knows remaining in the house that day would not be healthy for a broken family like us

sometimes i pick out postcards so i can put them on your grave so you can see where i've been
so i trust you send me a pretty tourist postcard just so i know what heaven looks like

i'm really good at similes
comparing myself to things that are not me gives me a sense of good ego
and makes me feel like i'm not in my own skin
but i hate being similar to something
because all we wanna be is different, a bit out of the typical box
but somehow if we're compared to normal at least we have the mind state,
at least no one will exclude us

i've been abandoned
but what gives me comfort in the outcast
is english language slabbed on my paper and a slice of outkast at 12 am
we've all been taught in grade school that original is the way to go
the path of happiness
but consequences often go unmentioned and unnoticed

i've been normal, or at least compared
been a simile my whole life
"you're a lot like your brother you know"
i'd rather be excluded than have set up expectations from a man 6 feet under

i don't know where i'm going with this
a part of me wants to be excluded from the box
a part of me wants to have normality to lean on
a part of me loves being compared
i'll always been a good at similes
i'm the human embodiment of figure of speech
except i don't even want to talk
just keep on tak tak taking on this keyboard
hoping to find something similar
to self realization, self reflection
i only want the similarities to good feelings
because **** is all i've felt
i guess being almost there is better than never there
i'm a lot like myself
i'm undecided

there's a place
i wanna be
and it's not the places
i'd usually want to be
not my grandmother's
not lake michigan
not your arms
just to name a few

don't get me wrong
i still love all those places
i'd split myself in hundreds
if it meant i could be there
even if it was just a strand of hair

but the place i wanna be
isn't from point a to point b
there's no clear destination
from the paradise i choose to be
as long as it's away
from the person i'm becoming to be

the productivity of this environment is inevitable
and i'm just a constant reminder that death is coming

so this is that moment
you've dreamed of
worry free
happily serene
even if only temporary

so this is that moment
you've lied to achieve
dead hysteria
luckily tranquil
even if only temporary

this moment is
so complex
but the feeling is
so simple
it's so easy to
lie
to discard old feelings
it's so easy to
dream
when you're always tired
and sometimes
it's hard to wake up
when it doesn't seem
temporary

I was never too fond of promises
It's not that I was afraid of commitment
I was just afraid of someone pouring their time and energy
Into a person like me
A reliable person, trustworthy too

But circumstances change
Obstacles appear
**** happens
But within the time and energy I spent getting to know you
Falling in love with you
Circumstances changed
Obstacles changed
**** happened
And while I pull my blinds down
Covering the vivid sunset awning my homely suburbs
I cover my head with comforters, but I'm forever finding comfort in you
I'm glad we met half way, putting the equal amount of effort and compassion
Being the reliable, trusting people that we are

I fall asleep thinking
I have no problem trusting the whole world to you even if we're worlds away

I was born on December 3rd, 1996
My girlfriends say that makes me a sagittarius
I have no idea what that means but,
they say that one of my "traits" is that I'm stubborn
and I will tell you right now that it's not true//
I'm 5'4", think I have been since 6th grade
I weigh 134 lbs//
I failed swimming classes at my local recreation center when I was 6
Something about not being able to swim backwards
I've been struggling in the art of keeping composure when a stressful situation comes//
Maybe my limbic system is acting up//
But I can't hate my brain because the right side is my best side and my best side likes to paint dreams with constant tears on a canvas called pillow//
Some people say that modern art is ugly, shallow and pointless//
And I would have to agree because these feelings that occur are so ugly and come from the shallow side of me which is my worst side and my worst side likes to write pointless, depressing stories//
And I start to read them, and reread them
Like my favorite series//
Soon I believe that these stories are actually true
and that the piece of modern art God supposedly created himself, titled "Me"
Is ugly, shallow and pointless

I had a dream where I faced someone I had complications with, I was looking at God. He told me he would tell me anything I wanted to know, know about myself. Squinting my eyes I spoke, "Who is my soulmate?" That's when the floor cracked and I saw into your living room from above, you were asleep on the couch, I wasn't shocked. I shook my head in disbelief and said, "God, if we were really soulmates, how come he left a scar on my soul rather than completing my half empty persona?" He scanned my body and told me, "Hayley, sometimes these things are difficult. Your doubt and uncertainty is much like what you have about me. You let people in just to take a part of you, a part of you that you may not be willing to share. This man has a part of you, and he hasn't let it go, he hasn't let you go. He doesn't want to. If his body was filled with red, you would be the sea blue standing out, alive and bright." That's when God tore my skin, and revealed my muscles and joints. He revealed my blue body and pointed at the red. That's when I made it my mission to get my blue back, and to give your red back. That's when I decided to make purple fluidly, and not have our souls separate like oil and water.

my social worker
when he was dying
always told me
"prepare for the worst,
if you don't want the worst"

i know she's a professional
qualified and probably underpaid
but looking back
she gave some ****** advice
because out of all the days
i've been blessed with your being
i expected to:
fall hard
love gently
cry hard
and then
hardly love

but you, babe
were quite the opposite
i fell hard
love hard
hardly cry
hardly think about
hardly loving you
simply because
it's impossible
almost as impossible
as the worst
coming out
of you

you and i
are point a
and point b
we're lucky
we're not separated
by seas

we're entangled
in these miles
paved with love
and hopeful smiles
miles ache our hearts
but at least
we're smart
about reality
and what it may
hold
but reality won't stop
point a
from holding
point b
or point b
from holding
point a