i'm a mess inside and out
i'm searching for serendipity
but all i have left is drenched emotions and crumpled up papers on my floor filled with ink blots and scribbles
my eyes burn from tears
my heart aches
i shake as i pour myself another drink of whatever is left in the cabinet
i down it like the 2 tablespoons of medicine my mother used to make me take when my stomach hurt
but right now, everything hurts
they say everyone needs to feel pain
it reminds us we're alive
but if being alive is the equivalent to feeling the sharp knife in my heart over and over again
i might as well be dead

i wrote my life in pen
mistakes can't be changed
and regrets that surround me
weren't always regrets
because i did love you once
and died at your touch
but now i die everyday
thinking of what you used to say

no matter what they say
or what they do
ill never find anyone
to compare
to you

but am i really alone?
I've got ghouls, and monsters, and demons
bottled up in me
and when everyones gone
they come out
and haunt me
they taunt the dark night
searching for anything
anyone
everything
to be with
cause they are tired of being alone
and alone is what they will always be

Everyone is so afraid of pain
but I hope I become more afraid of life each day
I want to fall in love with someone who will never love me back
I want to scream on the top of my lungs and still have no one hear me
I want to be ignored by those I want to listen
I want to fall down and feel like I'll never get back up
I want you to rip holes in my skin and leave me alone to bleed out
I want you to break every bone in my body and leave me with nothing but my ruined soul
people say it's so ****** up to be afraid,
to be hurting
but when you come home alone
and have nothing left but old photos and texts that still make you tear up
all you have is pain
if you're never hurt, you aren't living
and ******* I'd rather be in pain, then feel nothing at all

now waking up is hard to do
and sleeping is impossible too
anything I try I cannot do

I'll never find somebody new
and if I did I wouldn't stay true
cause I'm too broken without you

I try and swallow my pride but I can't seem to chew
cause I won't let go of what's left of you
I wipe my tears but they still continue

I need to love someone new
but the real question is, who?

I'll never let go of you
I'll never let go of you
I'll never let go of what's left of you

my misread compass
-harley ginsberg

obsessing over what I wanna do
making decisions for me
and solving my problems too
why can't you just leave me alone
I need a thinking place and some time of my own
need tons of space away from you
sick of being trapped in your zone
feel possessed by your power
too controlling for me
I'm just a broken hearted soul
keep taking advantage of the
tears in my eyes rolling down my cheeks
as I'm screaming and running
I just want some peace
it's my own ****** up life
don't want you living in it
keep blowing out the flames of the candles I lit
and when I'm finally happy
you wanna know what you do?
you destroy it like a tornado
pretending you had no clue
of the smiles on my face
the glow in my eyes
but it comes as no surprise
people say you mean well
but I know the truth
you planted yourself in me
from each toe to every tooth
and you use my weakness
to put yourself on a high
but I'm done with the sorrys
and every single lie
I know better now
then to sit and watch it happen
I know not to give you any satisfaction
you take it all from me and leave me with nothing
you break my heart at the push of a button
and as I'm trying to push away all the pain
it's always gonna be the same
and as blood trickles down my arm and through each vein
I'm trying not to go insane
cause you're stuck on my mind
for all the wrong reasons
leaves are in my path
falling for those changing seasons
wishing you would change too
and back away from me and my old life
and the way I was living
I'm done with never getting and always giving
I need love in return to mend my broken heart
but only thing you sending my way is dart after dart
they go through me like air but get caught in my lungs
now I'm choking on lyrics that can't even be sung
I want to forgive you believe me I do
but how can I let go of this when you're the only direction I knew
I'll be lost on my own
I'm so used to being guided by you
but it's on the wrong path
and I'll figure out what to do
so goodbye forever to my misread compass
I'm hopping in my own lane
I'll be okay
I promise

let me tell you about a kid I used to know
he always thought it was his time to go
up up and away to a place he didn't even understand
but he knew it was better than his own land

because all the other kids
we're too busy making jokes
to realize the one kid who needed love the most
the one kid that walked home alone
caught his breath as he looked down at his phone
to an empty screen
no texts, no calls
he just wanted to have it all, you see -

you can't force happiness on someone who's depressed
you can't make him wake up, get ready and dressed
just to send him to a school where he stands by himself
he tucks his work of art under a shelf

embarrassed by what he has done
he weeps as he wonders what his dad would've thought of his son
he looks to the sky hoping dads watching down
but the moment is ruined with a loud sound

his mother yells
her voice compelling his sorrows
he apologizes for being a mistake
but really she's the one whos been fake
as she beats him on the head
he falls to his bed
and falls deeply into a sleep he won't remember

because of all the drugs
he feels his dad start to tug him
from down below
to up above

and as his wrists start to bleed
he begins to read the suicide note he has written
and as he stares at the sky
he says his last goodbyes
to a place he has made clear of good riddance