dear most lovely one,

Here I sit, bed ridden in sight of the setting sun. This weary mind is weathered from pain and grief and these features are spread too thin to see youthful man inside my heart. In this room of sterile whiteness, shadows grow into each other, Preying on my feeble time. Despair would have captured me long ago had it not your memory. I have thought of you every day since the day we met so long ago when we were but children. And until the breath ascends out of this wrinkled shell, you will be with me. My love, my friend, my other half.

It's been 42 years since you and I last spoke. And the time I have is so brief, I know we never will again. Please just know that my unquenchable heart will beat it's last moment in your hands. I gave it to you once and it has always been yours ever since. My sleep is around the bend and when I am returned to the earth and tides, I will finally be able to embrace you again, In the wind.

Goodnight my sweetest part.

Wind in my face, skateboard wheels careening toward my destination with a fervent pace, so many groceries on my mind. My music blaring within my ears, filling the world with some gift wrapped three minute long purpose for being. No one else is in my world as I roll along the concrete sides, just enjoy the beauty of the moment. Then tragedy strikes like a viper in the dark, the spot in my mind that I manifested with wood and wheels and speed, all set to a musical soundtrack is shattered with a single blow. Not a pebble or unseen ledge but you. You come into vision, my thief of heart and soul, my dreamtime tormentor, my love that won't or can't subside. Trailing behind you of course is whatever you've replaced me with, some superior person in appearance or attitude. As I roll ever nearer, all can do is imagine our perfect conversation, you know the one... That one makes you fall in love with me again. but as our bodies close in on each other, almost until I could grab you and kiss you with the supreme passion I still feel, my imagination melts back into the part of the brain that keeps me sad and all I do is make a fake smile in your direction give a half hearted waive and continue passed, trying not look back at you and the person beside.

The store I find, has an excellent selection of wine and spirits. I pick one, douse myself in it's forgetful qualities and sleep without dreams. For once leaving you out of where you should no longer reside.

They say we all die twice. The day we expire. And the day the last person who really knew us, says our name for the last time. Though I am but a single servant of fate in the most insignificant of ways, I strive to love what I can in this world of so few decent moments. I try to be true in the midst of our cosmic riptide that brought me to the edge of my own free breath. My time is but a instant. Here or there in this world of never ending time, I no longer believe in a linear existence. I am born and dead and young and old all within my own single space. Life is hard to comprehend when the squeeze of a trigger ends a life and even the truest form of love doesn't survive a fortnight. With this epiphany, I strive to only be a shadow because without acknowledgement of self, I neither live nor die. I am but spectral observer, budding anew at end of all things.

sitting, watching the rain fall onto a foggy window, love is gone. only mindless repetition and walking with no particular place to go. no more flying. unfortunately, i have been awakened to the sad fact that i am but a humble land creature and gravity has cursed me with the dirt as my master. so for now i sit, watching the birds fly by in silence. wishing i had ended my world, when i had my motivation.

tired, tired of being alive. tired of breathing disgusting air and the lies the world spews forth from its idiotic bowels. tired of picking up trash and squeezing through the crowds of happy-go lucky yuppies and their screaming chocolate covered children. tired of seeing you every ******* Sunday. tired of shedding tears for constantly thinking about someone who doesn't think of me anymore. tired of the realization that having thoughts means nothing and they are but silent deceivers of what could happen only in my deepest heart wrenching dreams.

just plain tired.

i guess it's time to do as the doctor ordered and pop another klonopin.

The way the whiskey flows makes fools of us all, especially the soft hearted and hollow eyed. I drink for the times I felt like as if I mattered, we get drunk because we know it was never true. 24 and  nothing much left. Just time to waste until darkness drinks me up. I am but a silly lummox, lost within myself. Braving the endless crystal seas, I laugh despite an absence of any joke.

I am the captain of a beautiful ship, stuck inside a bottle. Built painstakingly just for me.

4am. Late night 7eleven run. Hat, coat, scarf, out the door. As soon as I exit the building the cold invigorates me, I sip on the night air and breath out the steam of life. I walk slow and steady despite the drink in me, mastered my balance long ago. No one and nothing is awake but me and the stars. And I relish in the world's absence. As I walk, the street lights reveal it's snowing, little gingerly particles flutter toward me like a dusty lamp shade when disturbed. Memories flood back to me, times when I was in  love and every snowflake that dropped before me seemed to bring life anew. I stare longingly at the sky with an appreciation that could never be described with mortal words. Only that fleeting gaze that stays with you forever if it is set upon you, etching itself in your heart.

Then I walked home…Back to earth.

Truest love,

We have been apart now longer than we were together. Strange as the time flies like a bird in the hardest wind, my heart still beats the rhythm of your name and my soul is but a broken vase without your hand held in mine. I swear to you that I have tried in honest to lose the longing that plagues my bones but my love for you persists even now. Like a river it flows onward and though its depth may change by the season, its nature is unending. I still keep your picture in my wallet not because it does some service or I bring my eyes about it often but rather that the deepest part of me will not permit its absence. My love is hard and true and nothing seems to persuade it from its purpose, not even me. I sleep more then I should now because my love remains only in my dreams and my world is made of what moves me, whether it be what all can see or just me.

I think of you often,

Gilberto

thanks no thank you yes may i see a menu? have a nice day the blt please i don't need one bass please i might as well look the part i'll try the country boy ipa thank you no change.

( Knock, knock. )
Hey, can I come in?
Hello, yes of course. Would you like any tea or water?
No thanks.
Ok. So how was your week?
Fine, I suppose. Actually now that I think about 60/40 on the ****** scale.
Explain.
I don't know, I've been dating this girl for a while now and it doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.
Andi?
(Cough.) Yeah.
Hmm, I thought things were going well with her. Can you explain your feelings a little bit more?
I guess I'm feeling like she likes me, just not enough.
What do mean not enough?
I mean she likes me but it feels like i'm just somebody to occupy her time until finds someone who is what she really wants. And I'm not sure if she's what I want either... I don't know.
Hmm, that sounds frustrating. Are you sure your not just misreading her? I mean, everybody has a different dating style.
That could be that i'm just reading into it too much but she's kinda flakey and if you ask me, thats a good way to tell how much they like someone.
Not always, but I understand how you feel. Maybe you should consider asking her how she feels?
I don't think I'm at that point yet. The thing is, sometimes we have a lot fun. I guess i'm just confused.
Dating is hard. It takes a lot of courage.
I suppose. I just want to find someone that makes me as good as willa used to.
I know, but I don't think it does you any good to focus your past relationships.
Yeah... I know. Can we talk about something else?

End

Here writes the roots deep in the soil, wet and dark with not space to feel under the weight of our rotten, old weeping willow. The top limbs are old and covered in blood and shame. So long ago did they commit acts that turned our core black and withered us in state and soul. Tarnished is our trunk, for too much of us drank fire water and wailed at its younger parts about missed opportunities to grow. Over the ages, we've colored our rings with dark red and copper, making us knotted and stubborn, unable to sway in even the gentlest of breezes. For when we once stood straight and true, now we are but bent and broken, like a shadow upon the ground cast at night. Crushed under the heavy burden of ourselves.

hello.
hi.
how are you today?
ok, as usual i guess.
just ok?
yep.
would like any tea or water?
no thank you.
ok. well, how was your weekend?
fine i guess, i went out with schuyler and his girlfriend and austins girlfriend. i guess their friends now. we went to the beach. i didn't eat anything and drank all day so i work ****** the next day.
you don't sound very enthusiastic, didn't you have a good time?
sort of, cora brought a friend and i apparently wooed her somehow.
well that's exciting. are you interested in her?
not really.
why?
i don't know. she seems really nice and smart, i just don't have any real motivation to go through all the dating hurtles right now.
can you explain?
(long exasperated sigh) i'm just tired of being disappointed. the person i'm in love with dosen't love back anymore, i don't really want anyone else and the idea of meeting some new person that somewhere down the line will tell me i'm "perfect" and then leave when i've invested myself into them sounds pretty awful.
what about all the parts of dating?
what about them? i guess i'm just tired of going out with people and thinking of willa the entire time. it makes me feel boring and crazy. i try to hide it and not focus on it and you know what happens? i get asked like 4 times a day if theres something bothering me. i'm just too transparent.
i understand, how you feel but you have to move on.
i know that. i want to. i deleted my facebook, my tumblr, i took down all the things she gave me and put them in a box, believe me, i'm trying. but despite everything, i have these moments where some random little thing reminds me of her, a song, a youtube video, a street, something someone says. and all i can do is think of how amazing she is and how much it hurts to not have her in my life.
...
i understand.
...
how was sunday?
...
...
i'm tired of them.
why?
i don't really feel like talking about it.
(light scoffing sound) well, i hate to break this to you gil, but that's kind of why your here.
(slight smirk) yeah i guess that's true. i'm tired of them because of they make feel fake. i have to be this different person that is nice and helpful and almost chipper. and it ***** when im in a bad mood and i just have be that way anyway.
does pretending ever trick you into being happy?
not really.
do you like your job?
sometimes. 60/40 these days. but since the breakup, i have to see her pretty much every sunday which kind of *****.
really? that must be difficult. why do you say "kind of *****"?
its a bitter sweet thing. i like seeing her cause she was my best friend and the person i loved more than anyone and its nice reminder that all it was real but at the same time its a reminder of how its gone now.
plus she doesn't get it.
what do you mean?
i don't know, shes just so ok with everything. we're on apposing ends of it all and i bet she doesn't even think about me anymore.
i'm sure that's untrue.
yeah maybe. i don't know. she just seems so happy whenever i see her and i wish it was cause of me.

end

i sit here in the deep darkness, lonely as a baby bird, who has fallen from its nest. the waves of your words crash against my fragile mind. eroding me like what water does to a sandy bluff. you said so many things that you can never take back. like you loved me, like i was perfect. even with my so many scars, i believed you. what kind of fool would put stock in such silly declarations. but i am a man that does not question the one he loves. and my love for you is as wide as the sea.

hello my ocean, we haven't talked in a while and i am drunk, so please forgive my frankness. i miss you like earth would miss the sun, i miss you like the air, i miss your face and your hair, i miss you. wholesomely and forever. every day we grow millimeters apart. i have come to the supreme realization that from the point when you intentionally separated us, we have become opposing magnets, and our hearts only seem to be able to push away. how i long to grasp you, hold on to your body, until the natural force of our separation rips me apart and spills my blood all over the landscape beneath our heavens above. but you wouldn't want that would you? all you want from me is to go quietly into the dark, so you can bask in your shining independence. so i will go. without fight, without struggle or scene. but know my love is still there, in the dark damp hole you walked away from, starving for the light. hoping the tides change, and you are swayed to seek my being.

goodnight, my love.

i jumped. i dived into that lonesome pool my tears created. finally after it all, I'm emerging and all i wanted was to drown, that way i would know it meant everything to me. but i survived, i swam and struggled and even though i made it, it means next to nothing now. it transformed me into a broken piece of person. a semi functional human. one that only lives in the past tense, obsessed with sorrow. looking eternally backward, hoping for a glimpse of my love. (commence saxophone solo)

the reason i am. my hurt. my love. i'm selfish. i'm stupid. you, lovely. you, the reason for my hurt. i loved you. i grew my hair. i cut myself. i died. and you, you just kept on going. great god almighty, i don't believe in you. i'm tired. i'm drunk. i'm on my road to destruction. i will not turn away. unless you save me. because i can't live in this loneliness anymore. good ******* night.

I have tried and i have tried, and yet i cannot peel myself away from you. you are a serene siren, the sweetest tune, ringing out to me in the dead of night, calling to me with your memories and my dreams, i keep coming back, like an addicted sailor, crashing my hull against the jagged rocks, hoping against knowledge, that I'll see a glimmer in your eye for me once more. it hurts me every single time but i am but an embodiment of weakness in the wake of your ever living presence. i go on, look at what your life is like "without" and get off feeling more empty inside then ever before.
like a knife in my side, i limp away from the pale, mocking screen, finding it slightly hard to breath.

login, click, chick, scroll, scroll, logout. reset the sorrow.

We said our goodbyes long ago. Sand in our socks and the salty smell of bitter ends. I swam the ocean length because I loved you. You walked that winding road to ever after for someone else. I miss the smell of the sea. I'm afraid you took it with you when you left.

sitting in a park, not too far from your home, i wandered the grass still wet with rain. I watched the leaves fall silent, fluttering to the ground like broken birds trying to land without dying. there in that serene scene of nature and disrepair i saw the boy, laughing and running, oblivious to the melancholy. he shared my features, just as if i had a son. stricken with wonder, i watched myself frolic in the damp and dreary weather loving the simple state of the world. it was at that moment that wished i was him again, free from the pains that the weight of the world press upon us. free from an endlessly broken heart, pieced back together too many times to call it whole. i wished myself a kid again. yet no man goes back and no scar is disappeared. the rain cries for us, those who are too tired to shed anymore tears. and so it did and i fell deaf, in awe of the blessed beauty of youth in all its splendor.

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

What brighter parcels of my soul used to resound upon my being are now but a shadow in the valley of my heart. All of my better Angels have escaped, leaving only the scars they exited from. You who were my solitary unknowing protector, are gone now, and in your absence, only demise of self can follow.

*******. i hate your stupid ******* face. you left me and i fell apart. i am a crumbling mess of a man and you just keep on being you, making music and drawing and being happy with your new ******* boyfriend. you probably tell him he's perfect too. what a ******* lie. i should have spit those hollow words back at your feet. you hurt me so bad my body revolted against my mind and all i do anymore is fight away the panic and anxiety of  being me. i have new pills now, valume, effectsor and citalopram make up my new life.
i've bottled my anger until it made me pass out and puke but now, in this moment of painlessness, i just want you to know that you ****.
and i love you. i really, really do... but who the **** even cares. ****!

a body. not superficial, not completely flawless, but possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever touched.
some hair. so black and so thick if you hold it in front of your eyes you can barely see the light, silky and curly and so lovely last strand i possess i can't let myself throw it to the fire.
a mind. not unlike my own. thoughtful and smart, with a touch of cynicism, only to protect you from your unwavering empathy you feel for the people that need it.
a heart. the most lovely thing in this world. kind and careful, ripped open by the death of your father. bleeding tears of understanding. a vacuum for other peoples wrongs. perpetually hurt and yet more complete than any other this stupid man has ever glimpsed.
some hands. ruff and worn. flour caked into the cuticles. split skin and callus like your heart.
a name. to rival the most beautiful thing in the world. a force unlike anything. occupying over seventy percent of the place we call home. essential for our survival, essential for my survival.

you my love are what i always seem to dream of.

When i leave the warmth and shelter of the place i reside and travel by bicycle for what seems like a million miles, just to get home so i can think and dream of the world when we ruled, those times belong to you.

I start by bundling up to protect from the cold. then i insert my earbuds to set the mood.

Then i put my feet in the the baskets of my bike and we blast off together like a rocket soaring down the street, weaving and dodging *** holes, arms spread wide like a bird in the night. half hoping that the bicycle might at some point, break apart from underneath allowing me take flight unrestricted, without worry for how i get back down to the ground.

then i travel back from the fantasy in my mind, all the way back to my eyes and i realize my house is within in sight. and my ride is over. and there's no one home. and i'll never take flight. and i fade a little on the inside.

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

running, laughter, heart break, suicide, born again, hopped up, multiply, try to fly, freak of nature, loved one, skinned knee, bold as che, blood on it all, can't stop the fall, rock bottom, ocean floor, math class , chocolate girl, stumbling, feelings hurt, crying alone, worthless drone, time to go,wipe it away, skipping, flying, sleeping, hugging, yelling, screaming, thumping, stupid thoughts, drunken tears, eternal lovers, cut down trees, life, darkness, dumb stuff, broken soul, god help us all.

i am spiteful. and angry. and bitter. *******! **** god! **** your mom. you ruin hope without remorse. throw the litter to the gutter and set fire to my dreams. i am in a state of drunken rage and you are laughing. laughing at my ridiculous behavior. not mournful, not empathetic, but cold and merciless. your indifference cuts me like a porcelain shard, a dagger without form, you cut away my pillars and now i am falling to the ground, waiting for the day when i finally hit that blissful rocky bottom so maybe i can have some peace at last. you son of a daughter, you daughter of a coward, you messed up piece of this of this messed up world that tricked me into believing that there was good in this godforsaken, *****, horrible, liar infested, beautifully disgusting place where i waist my time thinking about you and knowing there's no thoughts being returned.

why? why? WHY?

i'm sick of my dreams. i'm sick of your presence. i'm sick of this earth. and my flesh and my tears and your face in my mind and my memories of the happy times. cutters, the truck, my bed, gasworks, the whole ******* city.

what did you do with the letter i gave back? did you throw away? why would you share my music with strangers? you think it was funny? did you laugh at my ridiculousness, i bet myself our friendship you won't even say happy birthday. whatever.

i'm drunk. your probably drunk. the whole ******* world is drunk. drunk on the pain of loss. and fear of being nothing. and ironically enough, the truth is we are all gods. and most of the time, we're gods of destruction and chaos and pain and sorrow.

have fun with that bigger future. i hope it implodes on you like mine did.

i'm messed up too. more than i ever let you know. i lost my first love and my best friend, my brother, abandoned me through a ******* email while was on vacation the first time around also. your timing was like something only a god of sorrow would design. beatings, mental abuse, oh what a lovely world we live in.

quick and painless right? just like a band-aid. good job. you're a ******* ninja. no one saw it coming, especially not me.

i'm starting to not be able to see straight so i'm gonna quit writing in this useless blog that no one reads or cares about and go back to my tv because it slowly kills through mind numbing boredom and that suits me just fine.

good night, i love... the rain.

i know it wasn't perfect. but i felt like i was in heaven. you made me happy, so happy i felt ridiculous. we didn't fight much. but i can't tell now if that was a bad thing or not. i don't know why you don't want me anymore, is it because you loved getting ****** up more than me? cause it seems you've embraced that as your new lover. or maybe i was just the guy in between your separation. the sadness of your absence in my life is so hard to bear, i can't tell if it will ever go away. what does that mean? does that mean your my one true or something like that? i didn't believe in such nonsense. but i just don't know anymore.

i don't know anything. you gave me a pill that was too vague to swallow. if only you just told you didn't love me anymore or you fell for someone else. something else, anything else. but no, just that you were ****** up and you needed to go it alone. well guess what, i'm ****** up too. and the loneliness is killing me slowly. i think about our future many years down the line and it makes me so sad to think our lives won't be intertwined anymore. you'll live in France, and i'll live somewhere else and we won't talk anymore. i won't be able to look in your eyes or remember your smile. we'll have kids with other people and we'll die on separate continents and our hands will never grasp each other again. i loved your hands, i still do. i'm dealing with this pain every day and you probably hardly even think about me anymore.

i know now that you never loved me like i loved you. i was probably just a sweet guy in the torrent of **** you've been dealing with throughout your life. but for me, you were like that person i went looking for years ago after all the trauma and the pain, i ventured through the desert and i thought it over, i was numb and had already given up. and then you stood there before me, with one flip-flop, bathed in the summer light. you saved me from myself and i never told you that. i miss you. but i know that you don't really care.

i just want you to know that all the silly childish things i wrote to you in my letters, i meant every word. you are the best person i know and i will always care for you. i am proud to have ever been loved by you.

sickness in vain making the earth rumble in the deep hoping that hearts connect and remain ungrateful so is but the truth in the shadows waiting for solemn strangers to wrestle the moon out of sky and stars away from the darkest night holy fools in oceans tides and nothing but hatred in your eyes now i sit in soot and grime waiting for my justly time to say the only feeling for yours is mine

i once had a lover, so timid was the air in which we flew upon. i remember it and it alone. we shot for the gods. a great distance, only fit for the young and the bold. fearless was our journey to what we thought was the promise of ever lasting love. we broke the sky and wandered in the stars for what seemed like just a blink of an eye but with our trespass, we had no right to call it home. so we fell. flaming do to speed, we hit rocky surface. shattered from our fall, unlikely to find every piece, we were not the same. one hand started to loosen. the other, in a panic, squeezed ever so tight. but in that benevolent attempt, it hurt its love and in doing so, reshaped it. warped in the desire to be held. nothing remained the same. shattered love returned to the earth. and we were no more. all that remains is a memory. so i will be the frozen snow, then maybe the dreams we shared might last forever.

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

these days, i wish i had laser vision. that way when i walk the streets filled with filth and rich folk, i could vaporize the useless ******* that want to be treated like kings when their stepping on the spines of our dreams. i want to be able to blacken the sky and boil the ocean just to see the terror on our faces. watch as we run around like ants being stepped on by a horrible snot-nosed little god. i want bombs to fall from the dark nothing above, ejected from the heavens and lay waste to my dingy little city, turning everything we know to ash.

my ghost would dance in the dust that was once you and me and the good things, the ugly things and even the things i loved. my ghost will spit on the dirt to confirm that this world is no longer sacred.

here i sit, ghostly in the mist. what was once passing time is now but a chiming in the wind. i died at twenty two. broken by the truth she told. and though i won't be buried for many years to come, my heart stopped on that faithful day.

when all came crashing down.

i read what i wrote and i just feel stupid. i feel as if i'm careening through life and no amount of thought will help me gain control. this is new. i am new. but what can i do? no amount of thought seems to heal. because i am lost. lost in the wild and theres no one looking for me anymore. time just moves. and i stand still.

i was in love with the world through someone else's eyes.

so here i stand. rooted, yet shakeable. looking for the answers. waiting for the answers.

knowing, i'll never know they're sweet sound in my ear, or the peace they might provide me.

dear sweet woman, i lost my leaves in the earthquake... now i am naked and cold. why stand under me? i can not give you the protection you seek. i do love you though, as i love all things of the night.

i remember it well, the day i died. i was in a park. filled with joy. you were there and so we walked. the bench smelled of sweat the homeless shed and tears from the broken souls. we sat and you crushed me so sweet and so bold. after you asked me if we ought to head to your house i accepted and we went there and i died. you didn't know it but i left my soul in your arms that day. when you held me because you didn't know what else to do. i floated away right then and even though my body was still able to lurch out of your front door, the essence was gone. now all i can do is watch. watch you live and love and cry and breath and work and go on without me. i have no desire to ever move on. even though my heart breaks every morning and heals by noon and is broken again by nightfall, i can't let go the feeling. that feeling you gave me, i still love it. i still long for it. but all this lonely ghost can do is wait, knowing that you moved on and even when you die, your ghostly shell still will not be satisfied with my love.

**** the day! with it's brightness and everlasting sight. i hate the sun! how it gets in your eyes and burns you even when its cold. seattle can go **** it! with all it's insufferable yuppies and endless rain. just gimme a dark place and blanket with no one else around.

for that's my idea of heaven.

An old woman once said to me, fear not for you are just a ghost, driving your body. Your body is just a skeleton wrapped in flesh and nerves. And though you may feel alone, we are all made of stardust old as the universe itself, connected by our timelessness. And if you ever feel out of control, just remember, we are all hurling on a rock, rounding a molten sphere at a 1,000 miles per hour always staying perfectly in sync.

i hate you. you invade my thoughts, you linger in my memories. I've tried to move on and you won't let me. you are the dark spot in my vision that will not fade. i was caught in your spiderweb forever ago and no matter how i struggle and fight, i can never shake loose because i am but skin and bones. the mist on my life is clearing, i now understand that every moment in this godforsaken world is insignificant no matter how much we believe otherwise. and in that, we are free. you hurt me so deep it shifted my earth. and even though my life is around a new corner, i fear you'll be in my heart forever.

Here I sit
In the prison-cell inside
My body and my mind are at constant odds
In a struggle to the death
Always fighting, beating and crippling; never admitting that they need one another to survive
I await with horror and dread as pieces of me duke it out
Incognizant as to which one will retire first
leaving what remains flimsy and broken
Unable to resist the great plunge

Straight into a hospital or maybe the morgue

sleep is for the weak. and the stupid. for when one sleeps, they inevitably dream. and when one dreams, they try and escape the nightmares of life for a better place. though sometimes, it turns out being a worse one.

a gamble.

but one with no odds.

and only the stupid and weak put their lives in the hands of something they can't control. something that may backfire. so i stay awake with my eyes open and my consciousness sturdy. watching the sun set and wake, knowing, breathing, the clockwork of time.

and though it may **** me, i will never dream again.

for when one dreams, they believe they are free.

and the sad fact is, i am chained.

i can never fly. and all my memories of the wind and the sky, they were just a dream.

but i am awake now. so good morning.

End of the line for this silly wretch, his blood is too thick and his heart too big, for every passerby throws stones at it and laughs at the size like children taunting a wounded bird. He has reached the end of his pitiful rope, long over due in this cold world where we break each other hearts for sport and feel righteous while standing in the wreckage of one another. You who shamed the man back into a boy because you grew tired of his face in your pictures, should die a hundred deaths in a pit all alone for the sake of wisdom. Maybe you might do less harm in future lives to come.

a breath, like an echo. my chest rises and falls in the lonesome dark. nothing but the soft hum of my electric abacus to keep my attention. the darkened corners pumping out shadows only one's soul could truly feel. i sit alone, my space filled with my thoughts of you and yesterday. I'm tired of this solemn place, forever sparse, my memories slowly choking me dry and instead of fighting or struggling or breathing real progress, my eyes get heavy and i just end up sleeping. these walls are blank now, the love that coated them crumbled away such a long while ago, like old paint. cracking and peeling. now their just stained an ugly yellow and *****. sickly looking, i suspect, much like my insides.

light peaks through the my dusty curtains now, but this is not the light of hope or change. its bleak and hollow. when felt, it has no warmth. its only purpose is to taunt and trick the fools who dream of the sun.

pushing through the dark, my knuckles white with the excitement, my clothes soaked. the water drenching my everything down to my bones and soul.

i fight the gods.

wind and rain pelt me but i do not give, you can't take anything more because there is nothing left.

i laugh like Ahab.

my mind is lost. no more fear, just the task. going south at speeds relative to the bravest of men. i can't help but feel the greatness of not caring whether i make it there alive.

make it home to the quiet and still air. damp from the tears, i contemplate whether i beat the them or they beat me.

one of these days, you will be me. one of these days, i will be you. one of these days, the world will turn in my direction. one of these days, the wind will blow the dust across the sea. one of these days, i won't think of you quite so much. one of these days, my heart won't have so many cracks visible when you look into my eyes. one of these days, the tree's in my yard will be big and strong and no longer bothered by the wind. one of these days, we will be old and full of hard lessons and tired sighs. one of these days, we will return to the earth and be one again.

one of these days, but not today.

Its been 10 months. I still keep your picture in my wallet. It reminds me it wasn't a dream. I keep it in there because in truth, I can't remove it. every time I try, I stare at it and it just stares back, you stare back... Smiling.  Frozen, with your perfect, everlasting smile. And in that moment, I can see in your unchanging expression that you love me.

And then I put it back in my wallet.

So instead of removing it, sometime later, I find a place to get drunk and stumble home and bleed my eyes to sleep.

some birds fly at night. some cats **** on the rug. today was the best and worst day I've had in a long time. seeing you, my brunette sparrow, who braves the darkness, wings frigid from the night air, skating on hope alone. carrying your ribbon of remembrance with a grip of unwavering determination. you, my soul singer, my Nina Simone. you caress my mood with every tone, every octave, making my most solid form melt into itself until all that remains is a jelly-****** slave to your rhythm. your my ocean, god like in the way you produce waves, waves that crash upon me and change my life's direction, waves that **** me under and fill my soul with saline. fighting your salty embrace gets me no where, surrender is the only feasible option. my life is yours and you don't even know it. right and wrong don't even matter, for the truth is all that is. and my truth, my hearts desire, is for my sound of rain to die away, for my love to miss my company, for time to stop just when you walk into my view, so that maybe i can finally get my fill of your lovely presence. because believe me when i say, its gonna take a hell of a lot more than just an occasional cup of coffee to suffice.

i am what no one is. i am what you want me to be. i will shape and contort myself for you. even if you don't want me. i am here. ready for the love to be reciprocated. i am nothing. you are everything. in this world where nothing matters. the loneliness is fracturing me like a weight on top of a sandcastle. slow and steady. its coming undone. just like my rambling. continue your journey away from me. soon you will be out of my sight. and i will be alone once more.