i know i seem crazy. i am. but you don't fully understand. you are my ideal. i looked for five years. long and hard. i lost hope. and then there you were. beautiful as a god. with a name to rival the most wonderful thing in the world. the only thing. i loved you with every thing i had. i know i wasn't worthy. you deserve the world. your dad, anything you want. i love you so much. and i always will. until my end and believe me i will think of you. even if you don't love me. or think of me. or hate me.

you saved me. and i will never forget. please just remember our time.

I am but a dream, you are but a memory. I am flying high, you are roots in earth. Your love is a moment and mine is everlasting. You are an untied shoelace, I am double knotted. We once were a wonderful rotation, like the one our world makes now and again but now we are as magnets, forever pushing away from each other.

i don't believe in much. i don't believe in gods, i don't believe in myself, i don't believe in goodness, i don't believe in the world, i don't believe in your words, i don't believe in love, i don't believe in my words, i don't believe in humankind, i don't believe their eyes, i don't believe in the drugs, i don't believe your lies, i don't believe their lies, i don't believe in aliens, i don't believe you loved me, i don't believe in the hate, i don't believe in freedom, i don't believe the doctors, i don't believe the judges, i don't believe the TV, i don't believe this reality, i don't believe in much, but did believe in you, so special was i a fool, but now nothing is me, and everything just remains as dust in the wind.

my love is for one. pure and simple. my love is for you. my love is forever. my love is a rock. my love is the ocean. my love is for the blind. my love is blind. my love is as sand. my love will be my destruction. my love will be my end. my love is for you. for you and you alone. until i turn to powder and fly away with the wind. you are me and i of you. so be kind.

i love you. despite the fact that you are unformed, unborn and conceived only in my dreams. your just as beautiful as your mother. even though she is nameless and faceless and of no character, except of course she resembles the ocean.
please be kind. under all circumstances. its the only redeeming quality of the human being. i want you to succeed me in every way, because that is the sole reason why we had you, so you can be better than me. I've made so many mistakes while walking my stretch of the road, but we will overcome this eternal darkness. through you. we're born into this world alone, and alone we go out, there is no god, there is no devil. only me, you, and the world. so enjoy it. cause i won't be here forever and neither will you. your beauty is beyond compare, your mind is shard as onyx. always love yourself. never let the world convince you your not beautiful. because your priceless. we make true what we want, remember that. when you fall, just get back up, cause all along your road you'll collect scars, they may never go away but they're make you who you are. its ok to give someone your heart some day but never give your soul away, its the only true possession any of us really own. life is hard, life is bliss, and when i'm dead and gone my only real goal is to be truly truthfully missed.

one day i hope to have the pleasure of meeting you. one day maybe i can speak my words in person. until then.

i cut my arm because it held your hand. i cut my other arm because it grabbed your **** from time to time. i cut my legs because it made me feel free and painless from your hell. i cut my face because i wanted to to be ugly and nameless, so yeah.

and that's just what i wanted out of this world. i cut my heart because i didn't want to be connected to you any longer. and that's all i could handle on the inside of my self. i cut my soul because that's what you wanted the entire time. i would've went forever loving you the most i could but now I'm just a skeleton, with nothing but my memories. through and through. my bones soaked with sorrow, my soul soaked with hurt. i love you until the end. and i know that's a foolish sentiment, but **** it, what else can i lose. nothing but my physical self, so I'll just keep writing my gospel. until i disintegrate.

hopefully you'll realize you care.

i love you.

There I stand, naked for the world to see.

I look into the eyes looking back at me.

And all I can see is blue iris' and sorrow behind those funny shaped pupils.

Tick tock, the work clock never stops.
mind nothing that matters and fall into the hole
that ends when we retire.

Toiling all day makes me realize
I'm barely even an adult.

I don't know and can't show and as
the tick tock knocks hours off my clock,
all I want to do... is go home.

Drink myself into a stupor and
dream about being a kid again.

Lost upon the bluest deep, I am a ship with no plot to course. Aiming for a spot on the horizon, never knowing where I go.  

Me and you, we met on open water, two vessels in the watery wastes, lost together all on our own.

But as the break and tides rise high, I now don't think it was fate or fortune, we were just two ships in the ocean, lost together all on our own.

So though it pains me to turn asunder and go it all alone, I know now that there are ships still out there, lost but still looking for a home.

there's only one kind of water, water that keeps me alive. it's the water of the ocean. that salty concoction that heals my soul. embodied in a women. the only woman i truly love. her name is ocean. and don't what to do now thats she's gone.

Gone… You left me and with you, went my sanity. I dream no more in color nor do I feel the bliss of mornings light. I sit up and fret throughout the early hours and long for lover's rest. You took my mind and imbedded your simple sweetness within, making my slumbers a place unbearably kind. For each time I slip into myself, I go back to when we were the sun and moon. Like the agony of the god of stolen fire, woe is me, for every night you steal my heart and every day I must learn to live without it.

night time. my time. the GOOD time.

the darkness. only filled by street light, in my mind, its much more beautiful that way.

the world cast in orange. and what a lovely shade at that.

the empty streets. all for the taking, i ride them down the middle in bliss. the only sounds are the whistle of the wind and my wheels creaking.

if i get a chance, i visit you. like a stranger lost in the unknown but somehow always ending up in the same place every time he completes the circle.

it keeps me sane.

just looking at that brick box, filled with you, bursting with light, even at three in the morning makes me smile.

good night brick box, good night light, i hope you get it.

There I was, wandering in a part of town I never know. When there I spied, with my squinty marble eyes, You there, Walking across my way. Oh, how I'd like say hi or perhaps just follow along beside, finding a path through your certain steps. But alas, there I stood, fixated on your figure, passing-away upon your path. Today I felt a funny kind of stab.  Like seeing a dead lover reincarnated but certain that they remember their past life if they tried. So I watched you fade away along the horizon, feeling more lost the further you went... Disconnected with distance, lost in a part of town I never know.

i am nothing. i have nothing. i am no one. my body is not loved. my spirit is a stranger. i reside nowhere. my home is in my mind and i do not possess a mind. or a brain, or a body, or a soul because i am nothing. i am as air is. and that makes me free. but i am not free because i am nothing, and to be free you have to be. but because i am nothing, and i have nothing, and no one, there is no way for anything to hurt me anymore. no way to destroy me. for that has been done. and i am not a fan. so as i don't exist anymore, don't worry, because worrying about nothing is wasted time. and wasted time is only real sin in the world.

I awake sometimes, numb to the storm that rules my life. I get up, brush my teeth, clip my nails and try to tend to all the things I neglect in my hurricane of sadness and mourning. Honestly I find it strange and foreign when these moments pass through me, like a man suddenly appearing in a wasteland, wandering all alone. Not knowing which direction to travel in or when the end will come for such a lonesome soul. Nevertheless, the vastness is undeniably awe inspiring. Somehow I find a peace in the clear weather of not feeling. A fleeting peace, but I try and take time to relish in the fact of not being pained by thoughts of the future. Its not like my mind is cleared of the thoughts or feelings, Its just that in those merciful periods I don't care. You haunt me wherever I go most days and even so, left to my own devices, I would probably never allow you to leave.

I find the time is a special kind of freedom I do so enjoy.
Unburdened by the thought of you.

love is not serious. it is but a way of nature that exists in all "higher" beings. it is not important nor is it useful. we as a culture put our emotional stock in this idea without thinking of its repercussions. life is not a movie. we who love are fools of the highest caliber. chemicals, hormones, the world tells us to appreciate one another and for what? to make babies? why? why, would anybody want to do that? if there was a button i could push to end humans entirely, i honestly believe i would think about it only for about 45 seconds. just long enough to think about what i felt as a man in love and then how i feel now as a human without and then BOOM! the world would fix the ecological damage we've dealt it within 250 years, the polar ice caps would normalize and true idea of nature would continue as it should.

undisturbed by love.

"we are but dust and shadow in forever of time"

I'm so tired. my eyes are itchy, my feet hurt and my heart is numb. i feel like my soul was taken away and its enjoying our life without me. and as seemingly tragic as that sounds, somehow I've gotten used to it. I'm just numb, not dead. not yet. with the realization of this truth however, my life continues without you. we only converse in my dreams. but at least that way, i still remember your voice.

sometimes on hot days with blue skies, i look to the stars and wish a bolt of lightning would crash down through air and trees and leaves to strike me while i walk. render me nothing but charred remains and an empty heart. but the daydreams always end, and i just continue existing.

blue ocean, within those eyes. so deep i could drown. and no one except for you would know. my reflection in them somehow made my life so much easier. god how i miss them.

good night my sweet. may you dream of conversing with me as well.

i stood there, frozen in the moment. you seemed to look through me just like i was ghost. you set a fire upon me. or within me. and you turned and walked away.  you set it on my heart. and its been burning me alive. sheltered by my flesh. slowly my blood and sanity are sapped from me and no amount of water will douse it. this fire within. i can feel it growing. destroying my insides. my consumption of the liquid courage only quickens its pace. if only you had just walked back toward me, if only you cared enough to just blow out the evil you left me with. soon enough it will engulf me, until there is nothing left but bones, a brain, and a charred black broken heart. smoldering, in the dark.

What do we call something that has no name? How do we say something that without the words to convey? Do we call it god, or the universe or maybe Love? My heart just says it hurts. My head reminds me none of us matter. My body feels the world and tells me the weight of it is too heavy for my soul. My self says nothing, as it is bound beneath a steady concoction of klonopin and Duloxetine. But my dreams, they say everything I can't or won't and they never serender to anything or anyone no matter the pain of living upon this caluss earth.

So I sleep and relish in my own deceptions, for when I think of waken life, what is the difference in the end?

time like world just night love good don't mind away walk think dream  light ******* want hope sleep place know lost drunk thing way god.

Ghost in a shell. Soul in hell. I just wanna yell! But instead my eyes swell and burst into wells. Deep and dark, down I fell. I want to escape my cage and fly away but if I can, only time will tell.

Truth is but An endless river, running through my heart. Love is but a dam, blocking all that wish to pass. Time is my boat and guilt my oar, and this water is one best traversed alone. For when I drown in the darkness beneath, I want no one else to share my fate.

i walk the line of a man on the edge. every morning is a struggle. every drunken sleep is a blessing. waking from a dream that makes you want to sleep forever is the hardest thing in the world. especially when your life is something you hardly want to live. i walk the edge. its steel and beauty are beyond compare. sometimes in my weaker moments all i do is walk and walk and hope the gentle breeze will push me over the edge and then maybe i could sleep forever.

your heart bleeds red, vibrant and oxygenated by the courage of your sacrifice. my heart bleeds dust. ***** and old as time can tell, it spits out the earth and sand for my fallen love. no liquid except of course the tears, but there's not enough to even make mud anymore.

awake is pain that keeps our legs moving in this never ending storm. only my many mistakes follow me in this harsh realm, like my many shadows, whispering in my ear.

i have gone mad. for the dead are living and tell me my day is done.

My world revolves around you, and my being, it surounds you so I'm sorry if I'm bound to you. But I'm inside myself and you, your always on the highest shelf. I miss you, I kiss you, in my dreams at least. it's what it seems at least. You hurt me, you unearthed me.

And I've come unbound.

past it all, all the hurt and the tears and the loneliness, all the drinking and smoking, all the silly things we said and all the things i've wrote and all time in between, i still miss you. plain and simple. i miss the way you make me feel. i won't die. but it hurts. every day. i can't replace you. it just isn't possible. every day all i want to do is run all the to your house and tell you i still love you. but i don't because i have a feeling it won't  go the way it does in my dreams. i know i haven't been around on the earth for very long compared to some but i want you to know that our moment together when we loved each other, that was the best time in my life. and i don't really see how anything that comes after can be any better.

i miss your face and the way you snore and the way you smell and your laugh and your eyes and every thing else you possess that just isn't the same when i look at other girls.

i miss you. plain and simple.

I am of the unwanted, the ones of the dark. The scarred, the misshapen, the ugly of this world. I exist in the lonely avenues, with the rejects and fools that played with fire until they burned all the bridges off their islands. I am the drunk on the corner, the crazy man that no one in this world loves, I am the fool in the alley that smells too rank for "decent folk" to get near. I and we are the reminder of the world that is and will always be, not some glamorous movie scene nor a figment of the imagination of those pretty and of privileged. I am the bomb that severs limbs, and the rage that downs planes. I am what no one wants to be and until my demise I will be what the world says I am. Because that is the way this awful world works. So go forth with the heat and pollution, the death and despair and maybe just maybe the good goddess of Gaia will rid herself of our parasitic presence. fuckit.

Just a slip, a little trip, a lurch, maybe hit the lip, a stumble, a dip, the realization that that gravity's waiting for us to succumb to the drop. Then comes the fall, once and for all. The embrace of waitlessness, tumbling and turning, careening and cursing. the terror, the shift, the dark, the bliss. But all for not, for nobodies tripped, it was all on your head, you just had an anxious fit. So slow your breathing, calm your mind, get it together and get back in line.

i walk the streets from time to time.
just to gain some grounding.
i go in the night because it suits my mood.
i walk the alley ways because you learn the most about what sorrow is that way.
i watch the sadness seep out of the gutters and watch it rise until you have to no choice but to breath it in.
broken are the faces, as they wander back to the emptiness from which they came.
it hurts my soul to see them covered in the dust of our Babylon.
they are crushed by all the bad things until they fracture and become hollow, sad creatures.
as i walk, sometimes i look to the sky. i watch the clouds roll away and give the stars a view at us who can't seem to love the sun.

i miss when i enjoyed the light.

If a person can be judged solely on one's socks, then I do believe I am a man of modest yet righteous means. For you to determine my grit as a mortal with the substance not concerning the shields I wear upon my feet, means you are without proper ability of dissection of one's character. I love one other, as the Earth loves the Sun; immeasurably. And most honestly, I try to see my surroundings as if I believe that every blade of grass could be converted into a trumpet that speaks to the ages in any moment in time.

Woe befalls the foolish one's who love too soon. For when our hearts are but one and same, the world falls away along with all sorrow and shame. But as the flames of love wisp and wain, the simple hearts of newest lovers know not what to do in vain. So in the wake of broken souls and shattered dreams, there we sit and there we'll stay. Long past the time of mended wounds, Woe befalls the foolish lovers, the one's who loved too soon.

Lovely little Lover, I mean Liver. Sorry, I'm a little drunk. I'd just like to say, no matter how the world phrases you, You are a perfect part of me. Just like my Heart or my Soul, the only exception being of course you work much harder for us then the rest of those louts. We are always one. My one wish is that I could filter you out, as you do me. Make our hurts go away, our silly feelings but a whisper in the breeze of life. Cause when faced with the whole picture, all we'd like is to live 3 sheets to the wind and when finally stricken with death; to die as a real animal, alone without worry as to what comes next.

I love you.
Yours, G.

Running through shadows, forever underneath them. Falling into sadness, killing myself to quell the fear. Living full of doubt and never knowing why. Throw myself in front of trains, just want to know how the steel passes the time. Pressed against the terra, I feel its heart beat underneath the dirt. But no matter how fast I dig, I can never seem to reach it.

i'm here. in the rain. in the cold. walking. my shoes are soaked. my jacket is a darker shade blue. my eyes hurt. i don't know if its the tears or the torrent. my back has shattered from carrying my heart. the water is deep and i'm starting to slow in my pace. wondering why you turned away from me, you went back to the shelter of your lonesome heart. you told me i couldn't come. so i trudge on. searching for the thing that gives me peace. it wasn't love. i thought it was, but love is fragile. it dies. like us. so i go on. without you. my inspiration. what else could i do? a man of my means is not fit for the world we live in. not the place where things don't make sense. where logic is cast to the wind, thrown away, expected to fend for itself.

how am i expected to make it out this alive? unaltered and without injury. did you ever think about that? i think not.

the light is gone and my body is cold and wet so maybe its time for me to give in to temptation and embrace the earth. kiss her rocky surface and allow her to absorb me, take me in because at least i know that she would never abandon me.

I read a poem today that changed my life forever. I forgot it though and now all there is a feeling of salvation that that I'll never know. It's a crime to fall in love... At least at the depth I do. I dive too deep and by the time I realize i'll never get to Atlantis, I try to ascend without the bends however I never quite make in time and somehow even on the surface, the feeling never ends. I'm sorry I love you. I've killed my heart to make it true. I'm so sorry I ever met you. You're the only one that made me whole. A perfect being that battled gods, an unbreakable glass that always remained ever full.

Don't hold on to anything. Nothing is where we all begin and where are we all will end. Everything in between is just a continuation of the unknown process that we all exist within.

Love means nothing, age is everything, we are dirt and dinosaurs. Absence is a relevant. Feelings are meaningless. Do everything, do nothing, no matter the outcome, nothing matters. We are matter.

Fly high, until you reach the stars or until your wax melts and your wings burn. The Sun'll burn us all away in time.

Don't hold on to anything, just let go and fall or float because we are all in the void.

Dear Willa,

I'm writing you for health and recovery, not just selfish feelings of affection. The truth is your love haunts me still. When I turn off my lights at night, its as if you're in the corner of the room still whispering sweet gestures in my ear. My love persists without permission and only rears itself in my dreams. You are not just the girl of my dreams, you ARE the girl of my dreams. Even though your physical presence left me long ago, your phantom stays in my mind, caressing me and keeping me company in the loneliest crevasses of my brain. I miss you every morning and think of you often in waking life, though it seems harmful for me. I can't help but think of you when just the night before you smiled at me so sweet and told me you still love me in so many different scenes. It appears that when I told you my heart was yours with my hands cupped together with nothing but air in them and tears in my eyes, I was giving you more than I knew.

It's only you for me, just like the whooping crane, for he has a wife his for all his life and if she dies, he'll do the same.

Goodnight,
My Hotpak

Reaching out from a room with no windows, doors or holes.
Just a screen of blinding lights and a snarling dog that never sleeps.
Maddening I feel; so far away yet it feels just barely beyond my touch.
I hear your heartache, its rhythm is in sync with mine.
Do you hear it? Can you feel it?
Or am I just the white noise that we drown away with inner thoughts.
I try and flail but to no avail.
Alone with the terrible beast in the room that can only be opened from outside.

I still dream of you. Hits hard sometimes, when I do. A punch to the Heart, another crack in the soul.  I dream still, frozen in our moments.
In that other-world, we laze and lay, embrace and love even as if the time has not passed, moved on... Over us.


I still miss you and makes me feel crazy. But if one is all I get, I can't imagine a better dream.

Love,
Gilbere

If *** is sweet and death is bitter, then love is both. It will always and forever... Break your heart.

When you all look inside, all you'll find a beast too dark to name.

Comes home at end of days,
Pours oneself a drink.
Then another and another.
Can't talk about what's really wrong
when there's no one to tell to.
Goes to sleep then repeats.
Life slips by when the moments are
only captured through a single pair of
eyes. Never shared, never social.
Loveless in the world that cares not.
Not for one that cares not for self.
Time goes by at a rate of eternity. Eternity
goes by like a race that ends when one's
heart finally quits.

The first one was a work in progress, She and me were figuring out how to live as wasted youth; young and dumb and full of love, all of which never tested upon another before. Little did we know that life is long and ugly, full of beauty and despair. Eventually falling back into earth's dirt, back into the mix and matter of it all.

The second, Lovely as the most brisk of winds... But flawed as a broken winged little bird, cursed to only exist among the terra creatures. She couldn't be what she could be without being a skeleton, a living contridictory to what we believe. Lover of debasement, Self deprecation and goddess of starvation; I was your believer, your boulder in the sandstorm, the step you hiked to get beyond the person I loved. As flawed in this life as we were, I loved you beyond my own ability to even perceive.

The third, The one I still can't refer to without tears or despair. The end all and be all for my being. I met you in a moment that was random and cost nothing yet cost most of all, You stole my heart and part of my soul. I told a friend the night of... "I met a girl tonight and it made my night, she struck me in a way kinda like lighting might".  Its over now and when all said and done, Life belongs to us and us alone. The three taught me to be me, As in be one and none, be the tree and the dirt, the best and the brightest, hardest and most hurt and above all, keep moving; even if it means forward then back again. Forever and than again and again and again.