i could
i could kiss you
i could love you
i could be anything
(everything)
you could ever want

but will it ever be enough?

we could kiss
and never tell
we could spend nights together
in my car
where nobody knows
what we are

i could love you in secret
just between you and me
we could be quiet and reckless
wild and free

we could keep up those walls
the ones that hurt
just do the fun stuff
or whatever works

we could be anything
anything at all
no promises
no commitment
just...

we
could just
be.

metal on metal
is it worth your life?
running on gravel
cutting time with a knife

no point in chasing
in the end it's all the same
temptation is tasteless
too tired for games

she's strong, i know she is
too many people let every bad thing drag them down
not her, she uses the negativity, the ****** days
builds off of them and makes herself stronger
but she's still just a person
and she's fragile on the inside
and i am so, so scared of hurting her.

i have a feeling
i'm gonna feel it
when it comes

his hair hung around his face like a halo
with the sun shining
warm and bright in a field
lovely in its loneliness
a stream tinkling nearby
and only chattering birds
and bumbling bees
to witness our bliss
high on the sun
and sugary sweet kisses
we were kind, lovely and true
in the shade
of a weeping willow
we were silent
understanding
as the sun drifted lazily away
and left us a cocktail
of strawberries and nectarines
pink and orange
you and i
dancing in the grass
stirring up lightning-bugs
like little stars themselves on earth
dancing in the heavens with an angel
smiling and tipsy
buzzing and warm
telling stories and tales
while the little earth-stars
fly away home
writing our own myths
unafraid and unashamed
skin to skin
heart to heart
we could be anything
but tonight we could only be this
and, by god, it is bliss.

i don't know how to love you
or if i shouldn't even try.
i don't know how to pull you through
or watch you fall and cry.
i don't know if the world will end
or if i'll ride your throne.
i don't know how to play pretend
or turn you back from stone.
i don't know if you'll be my King
or if i'll fall away.
i don't know if i'll let you sing
or if you'll choose to stay.

i wear it everyday
im not ignoring you
i just have no idea what to say
i know what i mean to you
but i refuse to hurt you
because you mean so much to me too
so i wont pull you in closer
i wont let you poison yourself
with me

your'e my best friend
you do not make me feel used
you are not one of many
you'e the only one
that matters
it's okay
it's okay
it's okay
i miss you too
and it's okay
you'e a good friend
you're my best friend
and that's okay

is her
if i ever loved another
it would have to be her

i mean, shes amazing
shes funny and sweet
and so ******* cute

god, i love making her laugh and blush
maybe i'm being silly
but i really, really like her


and can you imagine, me
with good friends and an amazing girlfriend
and a real smile on my face?
can you imagine me
but happy again?

because i can
and it sounds
******* great

you seem happy whenever im around
and i hope to the gods that its true
because you deserve happiness
whether you believe it or not
i care about you
again, whether you believe that or not

long walks under the sun, my cheeks bright pink from the heat, coffee shops and brunch dates, picnics and tall trees, hotel rooms and hot tubs, old books and a new library card, listening and learning and loving more than i have in years, becoming and blooming brighter than before

Tonight I walked around the house
The one that used to be ours
I looked around for things that are missing
Things you thought were important enough to take
You took your toothbrush
But left your house key
You took your laundry
But not your ring
You took my pride
But you didn't take me

here goes nothing:
i still love you.
i won't drag myself around trying to get you to like me, or follow your every move like a lost puppy, but i do still care about you and would like to go back and start completely over. i think we really could be something good together. i know you could be seeing someone else, and im okay with that. i also know that you might be completely repulsed by me, and im okay with that too. i just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to try getting to know the real me, the healthier, kinder, happier me, i'd be more than okay with that.

sometimes they go quiet
sometimes, for just long enough
just for a little peace
a little hope
that maybe, just maybe
you aren't going crazy
but it isn't true
they never
never stop

i change my voice
i try to make it sound
a little quieter, more feminine
i smile a lot
consciously
i put a hoodie on my dog(?)
don't ask
my laugh is different
again, girlish
and i poke out my tongue
just a little

i dont like me

lights and metal and love
music and colors and stuff
she'd kiss a boy, just 'cause
never enough, never enough
this girl, she's far out
way cool, so chill
empty and still exploding somehow
and, oh man, if looks could ****
i'd be a dead man walking
total corpse
but those eyes keep calling
**** shes so hot
totally punk rock

i like
homemade chocolate chip cookies
and my moms spaghetti
i like dead rappers (and some alive ones)
and rock music from the 2000's
i like boys with curly hair
and dancing with no music at all
i like the 90's
i like rollerblading and neon colors
i like safety pins and key chains
i like over-accessorizing
i like little plastic animals
i love my friends
i love my family
(no matter how wrong it is)
i like ap english class
and free t-shirts
i like running
and climbing trees
i like my bangs
and having my makeup done
i like my art
im proud of it
i like paint on my jeans
and not being bullied
i like compliments from pretty girls
i like pretending i'm the queen
i like thinking about you
i like my life
i love you
and i love me

he really pulled up to my house
wearing a ******* cowboy hat
and blasting thanks for the memories
like some kind of ******* loser

a car
a job
a scholarship
a relationship**
my mother doesn't hate me
im not on drugs
im not depressed

but im not happy.

i have everything i could have ever wanted for myself.
and i hate it.

nothing is interesting
nothing makes my heart race
it's all routine
do this then that
i
hate
it

somehow
6 months ago
i was happier with nothing
(one thing)
(him)

tyou fuckingsuck yklu sdiocl

a field rabbit
with a glass of whiskey
called my name
said she missed me

a gentle stream
trickles behind my eyes
the white willow rooted in my lungs
whispers when i breathe
stones sit in my belly
buttons on my heart
sun spots on the ground beneath me
moss grown over my silly art
mushrooms and rocks and bugs and dirt
mother, take me home.

why
why did you have to ******* say that
even if it's true
why'd you say it?
do i scare you?
am i scary?

and y'know the wort part?
the worst part is
i thought you cared about me
thought you were helping me
thought you wanted
to help me

but i get it now
you're just too nice
too nice to tell me
that i freak you out
too scared to see me
**** myself
to tell me to
get out

"hold your breath, sweetie"

with everything around me
muffled and distorted,
slowed and darkened,
to an intoxicating mush
that leaves me breathless;
how can you expect me
not to want this beauty
inside my lungs?

unknown i follow you
quietly in the dark
listen to your every word
the sound of L's and S's
slipping off your tongue
the curve of your chin
the edge of your jaw
the slight dip in your temple
the arc of your brow
every detail
in perfect clarity
unknown i cherish it
relish in it, even
until each finite drop has been lapped up
by my guilty, relentless eyes

so sick of being alive
but i cant figure out
how to ******* die

the days blur past
i talk to people
i go to work
i function
all the while feeling nothing
retaining nothing
i've learned that i cant die
for some reason or another
this world will not allow
my departure

it is cruel
to be forced to remain in a world
where there is no place for you

I've lost my will
My need to speak
My words are just words
And my lungs have grown weak
There is no more beauty
To be spilled from my heart
My hands have gone stiff
Incapable of art

Do you ever wish to go back
To before we all died
Before the lights went dim
And we went out with the tide

I think you're beautiful
In a way I've never experienced beauty before

I let him hold my shaking hands
And kiss my busted lips
I let him touch my insecurities
And see my healing scars
I gave him access to my everything
And I thought he did the same
I saw lust and interpreted it as love
What a fool I am

i will not
go to you

i will not
drag myself backwards
or humiliate myself

if you ever want to talk to me
then grow a pair

because i am not going to throw myself at you
or anyone ever again

i don't hate you
but i will not
go out of my way
to see you

I don't know who I am anymore.
Maybe I never knew,
Or maybe my self
Is not something meant to be known.
I know what I want,
But not how to get it.
I want to be a good mother,
A kind person,
A strong leader.
I want to be loved,
Honestly, this time.
But I'm not sure if I know love at all.

I'm committing
To a life
I don't know

All I have
Left of me
Is hope.

Sometimes,, late late at night
I wonder, to myself
If *** could ever be an act of love
If anyone could ever look at my body
Hold it, and want more than physical pleasure
If they could ever look into my eyes
With passion and warmth
I wonder if I'll ever be loved deeply
For more than what's on the surface
If it could be meaningful and poetic again
I wonder if the word love
Will ever regain it's importance in my vocabulary
If it will ever again be something to earn
And not desperately given
Please, accept my heart
Take it and do not throw it away
Will my heart ever be something
Worth keeping, again?

i miss you
all the time
i want you to be happy
you make me happy
i love you
i dont know how
or why
i just do
i love your smile
it lights me up inside
and i love your laugh
it makes me giggle
i love the way you make me feel
so grown up but still young and free
i love he way you touch me
like im something to be cherished
i love you
so much

logically speaking
this is a terrible decision
and it's liable
that we both end up
worse off than before

red flags are dancing
around my head like pixies
and every interaction
leaves me feeling empty
and ready to cry

but i dont whats wrong
or why i want this so bad

but in my heart
i somehow know
it will leave me defeated and worthless

i just want someone to talk to
someone to hear more than my words
someone who knows how to listen to my soul
my whole life i've been alone
and it's ******* exhausting
having no hand to hold
no shoulder to cry on
no comfort or peace
my whole life is a fight
one battle after another
im so tired
please, just let me go

I know you love someone else now
and I hope she makes you happy
Gives you all the things I never could
And I know you're never coming back
But I still miss you
Every day
Every sleepless night is full of thoughts
About how I could have been better
Should have been better
Every little thing I did wrong
Every little regret
My head is haunted by your love
By the things I've lost
By the ghost of your arms around me
The smell of your hair
I hate myself
For everything.

can someone please tell me
why everything has to hurt?
can you tell me why
i can't just be happy?