i want
to be with you
i want quiet moments in the dark
i want soft kisses on my neck
i want to hold you
and let you hold me
and just be
together.
we won't need words or labels
just us
us.
i want there to be an us
forever.

vanity is a poison
injected at birth
that festers and grows
until the victim is so weak and alone
and separated from reality
that it can devour her whole
and leave her to rot
as a cold, empty, ghost of a woman

please
take all the time in the world

i can
i will
wait for you

i never want you to feel
anything but loved and appreciated
when you are with me

so if that means going slowly
or not going at all
then i can live with that

because you mean more to me than anything else

i want him
i want his arms around me
his hands on my hips
his eyes on me
his lips on my lips

i want him
every broken piece of him
i want his body
but im greedy
im selfish
i want him all for myself
i dont want to share

but i need him too
i need his heart more than his hands
i need his hope more than anything
i need him to be here
maybe not mine but still alive
i need him
somehow
some way
i do.

up and down
and up
and down

it'll stay that way
for a long time

the up and down
the dark water

coming up
rising high
crashing down
suffocating
then relief, again
briefly
for a moment
air
space
wide, open space
the nothing
before the roll and crash
of another wave

yes, it'll be like that
for good long while
maybe forever, even

i could hold you
i could gently run my fingers
through your hair
trace lines down your neck
over your shoulder
follow the line of your collar
to the soft spot below your throat
then down your chest.
i could write little words on your stomach
little kisses
lower
i could bring my hands gently down your sides
over your hips
your thighs...
i could make you bite your lip
just the way i like.
i could.

i should feel bad
for losing a friend
to the demons that chase me too
but in his eyes
i was never enough
and that will always be true

what if the sky went pink
and the birds stopped their chirping
if the world stopped its turning
what if i took your hand
and pulled you closer
if i held you forever
what if i kissed you then?
just before the sun slept
before the crickets sang
and important things
began to happen?
what if
what if we had that moment
that one second
of just
us?

i loved him
completely
in every way
but all that time
all that love
i never saw his hurt

i know he's moved on
and i know there are things
that people aren't telling me

but still
i wish i could tell him
that what i feel
more than hurt
more than pain and sadness and anger
is guilt

guilt over the fact that at some point
i lost you
to the storm
the same storm that ate me alive
every day for years
the storm i thought i had finally escaped

i lost him to the storm
i couldn't pull him out

i never saw him cry
he never came to me
not when he was sad
not when he was hurt
he never told me

i guess, in a lot of ways
i should have seen it
i think i did
but i refused to see it
accept that my worst fear was back
for him this time

he never let me see it
i don't know if its because he didn't trust me
or maybe he didn't even know
what to say
how to say it

i should have known
i went through it too
i'm still fighting it

i hate that i can't understand this
i can't wrap my head around my own pain
or his

i just wish he knew
that i know the fight
i know the storm
and my biggest regret
is not saving him from it
if could have

thats what im sorry for. not for being a *****, but for not being there at all.

i've lost
everything
lost my love
for the arts
for my friends
i've lost my love
the only one i've ever known
i've lost before
and i will lose again
i'm sure
i'll lose him
to old love
and i'll lose her
to something new

but it's okay
i'll get back up
start again
find new love
and new friends

it scares me to know that you keep things from me. that there are things you don't say. because if you can lie and say you're fine then how do i know you aren't lying when you say you love me? how can i trust that anything you say is real if you can't even say the things that are hurting you inside. whats worse is that you tell him. yes, i have done my own share of such things, but all of that is just physical, it doesn't mean anything. why can you not just talk to me? just, say what it is and i will listen. i may not understand but i will hear what you have to say.

but what you should really know is that i will always be honest with you. because when i start lying to you, i won't know what lies i've told myself

you should also know that i will always love you. even if we separate and bridges burn, you have made your mark and like it or not you will be in my heart forever.

or
if you do change (inside or out) no matter what i will love you. not your clothes or the things you do, but you. changing yourself can't change the way i feel right now.

and things aren't perfect, they probably never will be.
and i told myself i wouldn't do this.
i told myself that you needed to work things out on your own
but i keep telling myself that if i just shove things at you eventually you will understand that i care about you. that you'll forget whatever it is that you can't tell me and just see me and see that i love you but im starting to feel like you never will. if you can just stop making things your fault, stop making things big and bad and just let them be what they are.

im still a kid
rambling on and on
about the ways of the moths
******* im a freak
and i just wanna scream
i like pretty colors and pretty girls
in baggy sweaters and silly earrings
i just wanna be me
and let her love that me
i wanna laugh with her and drink peach tea
i wanna spend every night
laughing at her and blushing like mad
i wanna go places, and hold her hand the whole way
me in all my glamorous dramatics
and her quietly tolerating me
i wanna be her big dumb baby
and call her my darling girl

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE WRONG?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY?
I KNOW YOU'RE STRUGGLING
AND I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T/CAN'T HELP YOU
BUT I'M ******* STRUGGLING TOO
I'M ******* EXHAUSTED.
YOU CAN BE MAD AT ME
HATE ME FOR ALL ETERNITY
I DON'T ******* CARE ANYMORE
NONE OF YOU CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOUR **** SELF
IM NOT ASKING YOU TO DIE FOR ME
I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE
FOR JUST A MOMENT
I WANT TO LET GO

could you at least TRY to see how ******* lonely i am? how isolated i've become? how ******* close i am to having nothing left?

I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE
I JUST WANT A FRIEND.

i need to stop wondering
i need to stop caring
i'm playing myself
setting myself up to get hurt
this isn't worth it
it's not
but god
not seeing him
it hurts almost as much.

all these words that mean nothing
it doesn't even make me feel better
just
exhausted and alone
in the library
at a table
doing nothing important
but tiring myself out
so i don't make any more
stupid decisions
it means nothing
to you
but everything
to me

you said we were never good for each other
so what would have happened
if i didn't leave
if i wasn't ****** up
if i could be strong enough
for both of us

was it me?

or was this bound to happen
one way or another
someday

were we doomed from the start
or did i destroy it all

because i know i did something
i had a hand in this disaster
even you aren't capable
of ruining something
that badly
on your own

i have cried
every night about this
and i can't talk to you
because it feels like i'm nagging
so i will write to you
like this
and it can be your choice to read it
and you decision to come to me
if you have anything to say

so i have questions
a lot of them
but most important are

i understand not being able to stand in the middle
but why do we have to stand on opposite ends?
why cant we just be?
what happened to us
when i was gone?
i read your poems
so i got over that at least
but i'm stupid or something
and there is so much i don't understand
because you make it sound
like you are doing this big thing
for my sake
but it hurts me so bad
so really you're hurting us both
over something i don't understand.
i miss you
i want you back
i feel so pathetic
and alone.

i used to go to you
in person or in my mind
any time i was
hurt
scared
lonely
sad
but now that place
that i dedicated to you
that i familiarized with joy
is dark and black and murky
and i unknowingly go there
again and again
and hurt myself more
because i miss you
and you aren't there

6 days
is not long enough
to fall in love
with a person.
he is a person.
he has feelings and angers and love of his own.
he is so much more
than a favorite color.
he is more than 20 questions.
even i
don't know half of what he is.
i don't even think
HE
really knows who he is.
and for all i've done
i cannot say
that i believe that you
will ever
love
him.

you are denim and stains
you are safety pins and chains
you are the moon and the rain
you are a heart and a brain
you are all fun and games
you are love,
you are pain.
you are everything.
literally everything.