i lost my innocence at eight years old
and i wish someone would have told me that
i wish i hadn't figured it out by myself when my trust in anything that was supposed to be safe was already long gone
i wish i hadn't walked up to him
i wish i wasn't afraid to tell people that i did because i'm afraid to hear someone blame me for it
i wish i didn't blame me for it
i wish i never have to experience that awful feeling of simultaneous disgust, shame, dirtiness, and confusion again
every time i've taken my shirt off for ten years straight.
when i shower.
when anyone touches me even in the most innocent way.
that feeling like the only way i could ever feel completely clean would be to burn my skin off.
that feeling that consumes my mind out of the blue and suddenly i'm that little girl in the green and white striped skort again that didn't understand what happened to her
just that it was bad
the little girl that nobody taught to differentiate between what was okay along with the real, blunt reason why and what happened to her so any sort of physical contact with people felt wrong
i wish i could never feel that again
i wish it could be night all the time and no one would ever be around
they warn you about wandering too far from home when you're alone
about going out after dark and playing in places without people around
about the bad people, the sick malicious perverts, that you have to watch out for
they don't tell you about the good people that just don't know what they're doing
they don't tell you about the grandfather with dementia watching his grandson play at the park in broad day light surrounded by people
at least, they don't tell you to stay away from him
daylight has never made me feel more secure than darkness
and seeing people nearby has never brought me comfort
because nothing has ever made me feel more unsafe and vulnerable than that day in the park
in broad daylight
surrounded by people

i dreamed of being so light i could just get up and float away from this dark place i had trapped myself in
i did it.
with it i got a brand new addiction to appetite suppressants
i dreamed of getting a second chance with a man i hardly knew but liked the idea of
i got it.
with it i got an abusive relationship that came out of nowhere and hit like a brick to the jaw
i dreamed my parents would divorce to end the hatred and yelling that constantly filled the place i didn't want to call home
they did.
with it i got forgotten about
i wanted to love myself so i changed to fit the only version of myself i could ever pretend to love
i wanted someone else to love me so i accepted that just saying it was good enough even if their actions told me otherwise
i wanted to live in peace and quiet so i ignored my home, that had long been held together by my father, as it crumbled all around me
i got everything i ever wanted
but nothing lasts forever
and nothing good lasts for very long at all when you break everything you touch
and then there's nothing good left to come around
i had everything i ever wanted
and now i have self worth that relies solely on the number on a scale, my trust in everyone around me running on empty, and a broken home that no one that stuck around to watch the demolition of has any to desire to mend

i had a whole $10 yesterday morning but then beer and cigarettes happened and now i have 0.

i knew you were dangerous for me when i stopped taking my medicine
true happiness, that rare euphoric feeling that isn't chemically induced, is always dangerous for me because when it's over i'm left alone with nothing but my own corrupt mind and no will to bare a lifetime of my own natural state
true happiness is going to **** me one day

i shouldn't have the privilege of feeling sad when people leave me because i never do anything to show them that i wanted them to stay in the first place

My brain and I
We play these sick games

Most games are fun
But not this one

Where I stop eating
Just enough to keep my heart beating

And at night I wish it wasn't
Or at least that's what my brain says

It makes me cry
even when I have no reason why

Until I meet the darkness of sleep
To wake with last night's tears

My brain almost always wins
Talking trash and whispering sins

But this time it's different
I'm not battling my brain, but my heart

I can't stop eating
I feel like I'm barely breathing

I can't do this to myself
But my heart says I need him

It makes me cry
And I can't stop no matter how hard I try

When I meet the darkness of night,
I get a chance but I'm too filled with fright


If I win, my heart breaks,
If it wins, I break

i hurt myself countless times today
but only this time not physically
i hurt myself like i won't stop thinking about the things that make me feel worthless
i hurt myself like i daydream about the boys that make me feel unsure of myself just when my confidence was starting to rise
i hurt myself like i let these feelings take over my mind completely so that whether or not i think i'm good enough is based on my assumptions of why everyone that momentarily makes me feel secure doesn't talk to me for a day or two
i hurt myself like i'm writing these ******* thoughts down on paper as if thinking deeper about it is going to do anything other than rip open old wounds
i hurt myself like i sabotage my own happiness because it's so easy to tear down what is just a light veil draped over all these years of self hatred and low self esteem that has built up so much it could reach the earths core
i hurt myself like i know i won't stop until i've convinced myself that i am nothing