A poem about gravity
I know he’s going to break my heart
I tell everybody that I know that it’ll come
I tell them, to tell myself
Maybe I’ll remember
Maybe he’ll run
Maybe I’ll run
Maybe just maybe, there’s a future but I’m afraid to feel that way.
Because
maybe I feel too hard,
maybe I feel too much, maybe I haven’t felt this way in a long time,
maybe that’s why I’m terrified.
I know it’s going to hurt, he’s already hurt me.

My walls are down, I know his are not.
I wish I could keep mine up,
but oh boy, it’s too late.
No relationship is ever certain
No love is ever promised
No life isn’t confusing as hell.
Always “love on me”
Never “I love you”
Hail, rain, warm nights, street lights, sunrise bedroom kisses, warmth, cold
- sometimes so cold, and Pleasure, and so vague,
social, no PDA, but then he grabs my hand and we walk together.

W T F is this, why do I want it so badly when I know it’s only gonna hurt me.
Why did I allow my heart to be open enough to be broken?
I’m still trying to put my own pieces back together, I didn’t and don’t need this.
But it’s truly everything I want.

Him, his black hole of a bed, those windows, those eyes that are **** galaxies.
They show so much, I can read them but not all of them,
sometimes they shift to a far off world that I have not been invited to.
But I want to know what’s going on behind those gorgeous galactic windows to a planet and soul that I will probably never get to visit.

Why, when I know, this is going to crush me.
Tear me apart in ways I know are coming,
Why do I come back and leave my heart on the floor, begging for more.
Why can’t I stop falling in love with a dark matter in the Universe?
Why does it already hurt but hasn’t even happened yet?
I am the light, orbiting the black hole,
Knowing full well I’m being ****** in,
And to my own detriment,

I circle it and am bracing for the inevitable-
But I’m also already ****** into his gravity.

love is radiating
illuminate me as the sun
deep, intense, intoxicating
it warms me through
blood pulsing
deep down to my core
washing over me
a ripple a wave a tide
fluidity in motion

...
Who am I  to know the truth?
You say it's all in my hands?
How dare you
To put
Your ***** in my court?

I know I may call the shots,
Stuck between two wars,
But here's the truth:
I may be the only one
Who loses.

Either way,
I'm broken hearted.
I lose no matter what.

For I may seem I have the upper hand...

But neither of you will ever know.

This choice does not end with someone's happiness...
I alone,
Will feel the pain.

We spend so little time together
It's hard to know what I feel
Is it the loneliness of being together
Which side of this is real

Time spent apart and drinking
Can't be a positive start
I'm afraid at the rate we are going
All of this might fall apart

Am I the one royally *******?
I thought I had my picking?

A beautiful girl,
Left to her own,
With no one but her soul.

It hurts to know its inside of me
And not so many others

Decions I don't try to make,
Because I know they're hard....

But call me baby girl one more time,
And know
You know you're mine.

Sometimes, I am the girl
                     I wish that you knew.
Sometimes, I wish I was
                     more predictable.
                     Someone you could rely on.
                     Someone that you could trust,
                                       to do the same-things.
Sometimes, I wish I was
                      running naked in a
                      new and unfamiliar
                                       place.
Sometimes, I want to throw it all away-
                      You are too good for me anyhow.
_______

Sometimes, I think I was made
                      for you,
                      but am afraid it's not
                      the other way around.

Other times I know we are in the right place,
                      But constantly worry-
                       for your heart,
and what I could do to it.

I am the girl who has said too much,
one too many drinks,
              way too many words.
it's not my foot in my mouth
just too many words.

I am the girl who shares far too much,
much more than what is necessary.
               you can know my whole life
in just one simple night.

But you do not know what is inside of me.

The soul of an artist:
tormented with yearning
                for something different
the novelty has now been extinguished-

I am bored.

I constantly feel this way-
ready to throw away the clothes of the past
and skinny dip my way to the future.

I am sorry,
      It's not you
      It's Me
too cliche I know

but it is me,
I don't think I have ever been satisfied
and maybe never will-

but that's the thing
I yearn so deeply for-

Contentment for the mundane.

I don't need or want a tough guy. Please just be yourself, as you are, with your big heart. I love you perfectly imperfect the way we both are, be mine. I don't care about the rest. I am yours.

Dear one drink too many,
It seems that you want to hurt me.
Like it's your art, your passion-
You are good at poking me-
it's breaking me.
(I know you hurt)
It's our foundation breaking down.
These foundations I thought were strong, strong enough for the **** thrown at them.
But that foundation breaks down everytime
Brick by brick, I'm afraid it's weak now.
what did we build this on, actually?

I know that you know pain,
Far beyond what I can comprehend.
(Please don't push me away)

I know pain in a different way,
One of constant neglect
and of being a non necessity .

Please don't make me feel unnecessary

I know you don't NEED me,
But I don't want to feel un-needed-
                            -anymore.

You've said you'd wait
You're patient as all hell,
Am I the one that's burning?

This choice is given
And it's no joke

Your life it came to mine
Regardless.

I'm ******* because you came to me
And turned my world around.
I never realized how much you could mean to me,

Until today.
You flew away.

I can not apologize for being sorry,
You're the only one who ever knew.

Did I ever know this man between the sheets?
Or is my heart the biggest fool?

it was never you're fault,
Nor could you ever be blamed,
For I'm the one inside this mess
And you?
You're gracefully moving.

I fell
    I tumbled
       Head over heels
          Down a steep hill
Not looking back
      But instead enjoying
           The dizzying ride...
As I just
Smiled
And looked to the
Sky.
I said "thank you thank you thank you"
Over and over again
To the stars

If a journey of a thousand miles
begins with the first step,
Then I flew miles
Just to see what this would be.
Who could have guessed that
This life would lead me here,
to you.

But here I am
Absolutely no complaints
Nor stress or anxiety...
instead I am all smiles today,
Trusting that the Universe
brought me here for this reason:

To love you,
To meet your soul where it is,
To meet mine unconditionally.
What better apex can one assume?
That but pure love and anticipation.
I hope you're ready,
Because I fall hard.
And I'm coming for you...

I'm sorry that I hurt you
I'm sorry that I hurt too
I'm sorry for the pain I caused
And my lies
And my truth.
I'm sorry that I couldn't marry you
The ring was just too beautiful.
I'm sorry for five years
That you feel I wasted.
I'm sorry I couldn't keep our dog
I sorry I couldn't even tell you that
Her name deserved no place in our emails.
I'm sorry I couldn't give her a home
The truth is,
I left that with you.
I don't have one anymore.
I'm sorry that I lied
And cheated
And stole.
I'm sorry that you don't even think you know who I am.
I'm sorry that we said goodbye
In the least good way possible.
I miss our house and our mornings
And my walks to the river with Heidi.
I miss when the three of us were happy.
Like when she'd lay upside down on the floor when she'd fall asleep
Or the ways she'd shake out her ears every time she'd awake.
I miss the old house
The one with the lake view
And while we are on the subject
I miss our old bulldog too.
I miss the beginning when it wasn't easy
But it wasn't ever tough.
I miss the days that I spent dreaming,
That maybe you were it.
I'm sorry I met someone new,
I'm sorry that I think he actually understands me.
I'm sorry it had to happen this way.
I miss our home
I miss our garden
I miss our coffee in the morning,
I miss you.
But truthfully,
I think I miss our dog the most of all.

To this wonderfully changing growing life. To new adventures, to new experiences, to new people. I am growing I am changing. I am blooming. I broke out of my cocoon, it's time to stretch my wings, and fly. A beautiful butterfly and I never would have known had I not trusted the uncertainty of life. I believed in something stronger and better than where I was. I chose to leap. To let go to see what happens next. I chose to Live not just exist. I chose to break free and breathe. To see the beauty in that which I did not know. I chose difficulty instead of comfortability. I chose me, instead of someone else. I chose the future and not the past. I chose a new horizon and a wider view of the world and reality. I  choose the present moment. I choose living. I choose new adventures, ones I have never even dreamt of. I choose to let go of my shackles to society. I choose ME instead. And it's the best choice I ever could have made, it might have even saved my life.

"Your *** is on fire"
Is an understatement.

There is no me in you, nor otherwise.
We were meant to be
Our hearts
Our souls
Our bodies.

These puzzle pieces:
They fit together.

Soul mates or sweet disaster?
I am yearning to discover.

Far too easily we fit together
And no one will ever know.

But you're the one I asked for
So, please,
Let it be so.

Release the pain and burden inside of me.
Release the lost hope and withered dreams.
Release the hate and heartache
Release what was and never to be

Release the expectations
                ...of love and loss and resentment

Why does every
Journal entry
Of mine
Begain
with a question?

And if I'm only
Asking myself
Why can't I find
The answers?

Oh your smile
How it can light my day.
I doubt you have any clue
The power that it holds
                                         over me.

The lack of which
You will never understand
How it can affect my soul
                                        so intensely.

There's something in your eyes
         So bright and yet so dark
I have yet to grasp
what it is you hold inside
           that can make that shift
                                         so remarkable.

There is no gray area
only a very intense dichotomy
            But I want to know
                     what that intense stare
                                          signifies...

I awoke in the middle of the night
Clutching to you for dear
Life

The first night you never let go
Constantly readjusting
Holding me
Asking me to hold you
By grabbing my arms
Pulling my hands across
You.
In pillow land I thought
It would always be alright
But your silence and stares
Real life had entered.

That first night I thought it'd all
Always be right
But that last night it showed me
You can be cruel
Just by your silence.

I thought it'd be strong
I'd be strong
But I'm just another little girl
Clutching to your torso as
You snore

I could not sleep
Because all I could do was wait
And hope
You'd hold me like that first night
Again and again.

I am not happy
I don't think
That I have ever been.

There are moments.
Weeks even,
Where I think that I am.
                 Content.

And then it hits me again.
It's not your fault
Nor anyone before you.

The problem is me,
My own self.

I've lost so much
That I have loved-
Most of it.
My own doing.

I let things (people) go,
I'm sorry I let it go so easily.

I never am going to win.
Especially when,
I'm playing against myself.

Together we fit.

It's not everyday you find someone
Who reciprocates your love
...this quickly.

It happened so fast
I pay no mind to the speed.

Who cares what they will say.

I fell for you instantly.
There's no right way
... nor timing.

It's better than I expected
No titles will be neccisarry
...for I am yours now.
And you,
Mine.

Trust in that which we don't know
Patience is the heart's greatest tool
Expectations lead us to pain
Acceptance is the only way through

We do not know what lies
              ...ahead.
I promise to make things different
This time around.
I come in to you with an open mind
                                            And soul.
Let's be different
Let's grow
... Together.
And alone.

Just know
I can turn you into a puddle of love
With only my body,
I am a magician.
But please I ask you share this
Magic with me.
Let me take you on this ride,
Although I beg you don't give up
The reigns
I need your support as well.
**** me like there's no tomorrow,
Put that smile on my face that you revel in,
Because it's a sign you did a job
well done.
Feel me quiver around you,
These pulses I have no control of.

I will tell you I've never felt this way
And it's true
But it's also not.
I've felt it before,
But it's different with you...
It's stronger,
It's better,
It's more mature.
You get the best of me:
Because whatever came first
Obviously wasn't worth it
because I am here
with you
now.

What was it that you felt
That made me fall for you

The universe dreamed us into being
though we were given not a clue

Life was brought into loving
From that first moment, I knew

Excited for the next chapters
Not arriving,
I could never do.

thank you moonlight
      for this perfect gift-  
         this spirit inside of me
            
                        unbounded
so much love
           in so much light
               illuminate my darkness!
you and I have become one
           waxing and waning
               the same cycle
your light
           your love
                translucent
       -teach me your ways
              almighty soul
for I have become
           you.
and I am only
      what you know of to be me.

One day I want to write sweet love letters again.
One day I want to find those words again.
One day I want to feel them again.
One day I want to not fear them again.
The world, the want, the person, the feelings.
I love you and I hate you.
But your memories are sad as suffocating as the most coziest blanket I’ve ever known.

You will always wrap/write my heart with our  past.