Today I woke up broken
I hung my head and cried to God
because I know He sees beyond this fog.

The calm, the peace - it doesn't sink in until after these words take root in my heart:

Broken is not always a bad thing. Broken is just the stage between better and best.

Through broken soil plants grow to sustain this world.
Broken allows life to grow.
A break in the clouds sends light to those who miss the sun.
Broken allows room for more.

I let this small prayer carry me always:
That I will remember
that it is a beautiful thing
when life goes
Better
Broken
Best

The blessings in my life
are overwhelming
when I really think about them,
but for some reason
each morning
feels heavier than the one before.

Why can't I just be happy?

My heart wanders
away with this thought
until the relentless waves
of pain and heavy sadness
carry it back to its place.

I cry -
not because I am lacking anything,
but because I cannot count
all of my lucky stars
(for they are far too numerous),
and yet,
I am still not happy.

As I am in that state of sleepy in-between-ness late at night,
I always reflect on the day’s shortcomings and negativity
whether or not I fight off those default thoughts to find light.

My mind wanders through all the events and interactions
that seem to be tainted with heavy blue;
every day carries a shadow that I that I try to get rid of
because that darkness is something I don’t want to live through.

The monster that some people have named 'anxiety'
clutches around my lungs and heart.
It chokes me, shakes me, screams with hate:
"What the hell is wrong with you!?”
It’s a disease with the goal to tear me apart.

My wish is to rip these blue lenses from my eyes
to clearly see this life for what it really is:
a miracle, a gift, a priceless thing to be treasured -
but these blue lenses have been a part of me for months
And with them, the world is a familiar sight.

But it is not in my disposition to love or appreciate
anything that is associated with myself.
And thus I find myself stuck in this viciousness
of half-conscious loathing and self-deprecation.

I've felt many different types of pain, but the most intense has been the pain of healing, and unfortunately that specific type of pain can only be felt when you are very much awake to absorb the whole of it.