You swore that I could trust you, but it wasn't something I could hold
Promising your presence, and yet I walked a lonely road
Offering pieces of the puzzle, that were never quite enough
With one foot out the door, you said don't ask me for too much

You became complacent, considered us a guarantee
A half full kind of love, you saw as my remedy
The hero in your story, knowing you could tame me when you tried
Expecting I was gracious, you held your head up high

Now with hindsight in your corner and nostalgia a friend
You claim you've learned your lesson, your old self you do transcend
Though you're seeking recognition and praise for all your change
I sense that inside lurking, is a monster barely caged

I am tired now mum...
Before you died you promised I would be okay...
For you I have tried,
But without you here, not even perfect can satisfy my desire to make you proud

I wear breaking point like a gold star,
I have torn myself down so much,
That optimism feels like self indulgence

And after all this, I still feel like I have failed you

I would give up my future, for one more minute with you

I would reach inside myself and tear my necrotic heart from its self pitying home,
I would throw the last fragments of my confidence into the breeze,
I would finally succumb to the darkness that whispers to me

Because I miss you so much, that the option of survival makes me sick

On days like this... I want to submit and take the prescribed pills,
To resurface from my own created ocean of pessimism
To have the sunlight feel like a blessing instead of a curse

I want to feel like the one who can,
Or perhaps I just want an answer to the question
"Whats wrong?"

Everyone has secrets,
Me... well I will push myself to breaking point
Until I am sure I have done everything to make my mother proud of me
And then I will break
Enough to make shiny knifes look perfect against my skin

Subtle steps towards the depth,
The darkness lies in wait,
It lures you with shiny things,
And tortures you like bait

Your fears it will feed upon
It likes you sick and frail,
You wonder when you got so small
Your skin now stretched and pale

But daylight it shall come again
Just like the times before,
Hold tight onto catastrophe
And try to brave the war

I am no hero,
Myself I won't save
In dawn's early hours
I arrive at my grave

Waiting he sits there
He knew I would come
He offers me flowers
And yet I don't run

My coffin it beckons
Who am I to resist
I am a shadow at best
Who barely exists

Hello stranger,
Let me introduce myself, I am the person who may be oceans away,
Or I could be closer than you think...
You deserve wonderful things, so here I am, sending love and light to you!
May your dreams be fulfilled, your smile shining and your day beautiful <3

I try to imagine myself as warrior, as fierce, wild and free
Yet some days the tremors grip me and I am left sailing an open ocean while lying under covers
Salty waves harass my body, my open wounds hiss
Yet it is my teardrops that may drown me

Then I was thinking about you and how you paint my life every colour imaginable,
that you make me feel like the moment when you're running and its effortless and you swear if you ran a little faster you could fly,
you make me smile like suddenly there is a sky of fireflies and their glow is lighting up the whole word,
you make me ache when I am not with you, feel whole when I am and I know that each snowflake is different but you are a snowflake all of your own, not pale or white, you glow and I know when you look at me everything is on show, like suddenly I am a personal library for your viewing only and you are reading every book I have ever owned... and that... well it's terrifying

Hello mum,
Can you hear me?
Time cannot heal the wounds created by your death,
Every time I feel familiar with this ache inside of me, isolation claws at my chest and square one greets me again,
The nightmares constantly visit me, in them I see you suffer, then wake to cry tears I wish you could wipe away,
You were wrong, I cannot cope, I am not okay...

You are dead
But if you need me
Look anywhere but your gravestone
Because I am too selfish to visit you now
I have enough daily reminders of your death
For example my constant thoughts of suicide
Because truly, how am I meant to be alive without you

You died, you got to leave, on to better places I hope
Don't worry about me, I have memories to cry over and my crippling loneliness to keep me occupied
I have your belongings as a constant reminder
Just in case.... for a mere second, I forgot that you are dead

These blankets protect me, the darkness my companion
Here I can avoid all my responsibilities and be bitterly angry that I won't try to function
I can wrap my self loathing around my throat and scream silently for help
Then be upset when no one tries to save me

Mama maybe you want what is best for me, but I crave the opposite
I feel like a watch nobody bothered to fix
Still pretty, but unable to function
I feel like everything is a mystery,
But we always knew I was no problem solver,
See you did that for me
And now I'm spinning in circles, trying to find the answers I can not find for myself

That first time he touched me, I could have screamed,
Demanding to know where he has been, or if fate forgot about our destiny, temporarily…
Because in that moment his hands were all I needed
and I had needed them for so very long, that affection… provided direction, for a soul who was wandering lost for what felt like eternity

I have this looming feeling the world will end... after my next breath, next step, next failure
So I constantly expect this implosion, my awaiting doom, this cosmic disaster  
I sense the negativity, look at each strangers pale miserable face and I breathe....
Waiting for the world to end

My pathetic body breathes,
As I watch you suffer,
Your pale begging frame  
Tears me in half, like a jagged knife puncturing any possibility of happiness
Love filled words sit within me
But I guess I am too scared to fill the air with my sentimentality

When you were alive,
You told me to be brave,
But now I feel like a lost little girl
Trying to find you in a supermarket
Strangers keep asking me if I am ok
People tell me it will be alright
But all I want is you

I gaze at the swift sparrow,
As it attacks each task with such speed,
And yet remains graceful
It curls within the air,
Its sweet melody caressing my heart
Only stopping, very briefly
Maybe it knows a secret,
The art, of keeping on

My brother softly told me that he doesn't want to die,
I whispered that I wanted him to live,
Together we cried tears, which were not capable of cleansing our hearts of the pain
In this moment we addressed the elephant filling the room...
Cancer

I want to disappear  
Get ****** into a black hole
Where I will be suspended
So I can sleep
And maybe not wake up

On the good days, I smile when I wake up,
I enjoy the sunshine and the breeze,
I thrive with productivity and eat healthy

But on the dark days, my bed can be my only companion
My body aches
And every breath fills me with regret
Because I am just not good enough

I strayed into the darkness, because it whispered sweet promises to me
Footstep after footstep, I was enveloped by sticky black sludge
It seeped into my skin, making me content with my unhealthy companion

Then you came into my life, making the slimy darkness retreat
I smiled for what felt like the first time and I wondered why I strayed from the sunshine
Now you hold me with tenderness and I soak in the warmth you provide me with

You held a lantern to my heart and now each beat within my chest sings of gratitude
I am dazzled by you
And the love light you shine upon me

Your body feels like it is covered in butterflies,
Like every moment I touch it, could be fleeting
That you could disappear within seconds
Your presence feels misleading,

I am holding onto the clothesline of words,
You strung together, for me to hang my hopes on,
Wanting just to be strong, I smile
But who am I trying to convince...

We both know, I would be lost without my butterfly prince

He stays, I push, a game of give and take,
This love tests his every instinct
To run from trouble,
Yet he stays

Standing tall, my insecurities and anxieties fear him
He loves me through it all
And I try explain to him how much it means,
But how can I find the right words to thank
The only one who didn't fear this side of me

He stays near, watching me panic
I cannot pull my threads together
And so I unravel faster than a ball of yarn versus a kitten
My heart providing the thundering beat to this episode
Where panic grips my throat until my saliva chokes me
I sweat profusely, batting the demons he cannot see

I want to hide,
Somewhere tragedy can't find me
Somewhere I am free without responsibility
Where mental illness isn't draining
When I still have hope remaining
When every breath comes out with ease
This I am begging you please,
Just take me, I need time
To learn to breathe again

My heart is breaking with the pressure
This tragedy might just be the end of me
It is pitch black within this tunnel
The unlined clouds hold only rain
So now all I can ask is your forgiveness
If I succumb to the pain

Cancer laughs, ha ha ha
Well you entitled *****, I do not find it funny
Stop attacking my family
Why are we so interesting to you anyway?

I wish I could get my hands on you cancer,
Punch you once for all the pain you cause
Once, for the people you've ripped apart
Once, for the broken hearts left in your wake
Once, for the teardrops all cried in your name
Once, for all the things you take,
Like hope... happiness... sanity
Once, for the way you enjoy weaving yourself around peoples bodies
Making yourself at home... even though you were only meant to be a temporary guest
Who should have left once the chemotherapy started to work... or the radiotherapy kicked in
But it didn't did it?
And so I will hurt you until you are a painful mess...
And then cancer, I will strangle you....
Just like you do to others

Anxiety whispers in my ear,
I tell it to go away, not right now, I don't have time
Please... just go for now and come back later

But those words made it scared, scared we aren't so close anymore
It trembled at the thought, I may not want it
Hurt by the fact, I have little time to spare

Its anxiety gave me anxiety,
I feel like the queen of nausea
When I open my mouth, I don't know what could come out
I shake, get dizzy, cry, scream
Anxiety what have you done to me,
Please, I love you, remember?
We are going to be best friends, for now...
And well... forever

Sweet angel of mine,
With your love divine
Please won't you just hold me
Until the end of time

Healing, so complicated and never final
I dance freely in the wind, forgetting
When suddenly that painful scar rips open
I am ****** into past regrets and old wounds
Remembering you...
Reunited with square one

He knows me like a family home,
And in the dark knows where to go,
Can find the switches without sight,
For times he thinks I need the light

Smiling towards the crooked walls,
He admits, it doesn't have it all,
The roof leaks and pipes creek
The foundations, well at best they're weak

He often senses, the electricity I feel
But says faulty wires are no big deal
He loves his home
And his love shall heal

If that doesn't work and power goes out,
He could never stop to scream and shout,
He always finds that switch once more,
To shed the light, like the times before

I was once good at goodbyes,
They were a convenient temporary end,
To a greeting or awkward social communication

Now that I have experienced, how truly permanent goodbyes can be,
They are not easy, but terrifying and I am now bad at goodbyes

I laid broken pieces of myself, in front of him,
Deciding to dance into the unknown, go out on a limb,
Expecting a scowl, or vile laughter,
I braced myself, for the foreboding disaster

Yet angelically he stood, with patience to share,
With my heart in his hands, he was truly aware,
Deciding to heal me, he reached for my soul,
Healing the pain, I had hidden from all

Because he granted me wings, a priceless heavenly gift...

His emotional signature, lives within each feather, as an effervescent spark everlasting.

His exuberant energy, my wild companion, as I soar to sun and sky, stretching my imagination.

Lend me your heart,
So I can spend time,
Learning its stories,
And telling it mine

I shall fill it with love,
And give it protection
Show it to those,
Who don't have bad intentions

I will lend it to hope,
Who shall lend it faith,
It shall build dreams,
And wonderful taste

And I will return it,
Mostly... you see,
I got attached and
Saved a small piece for me

There is a war within my head,
I stay in one spot,
Hoping the voices will go away,
Wanting them to stop fighting
It's deafening

You simply sit there
A miraculous marvel to my eyes
Every movement fascinates me
And i watch hungrily
Never able to get enough of you
Yet always aching to

I am stuck in a tantalizing perception
That perhaps I could have your entirety
And yet you slip through my fingers like sand
And so I stare, wishing for time to slow
Just enough…
So I can momentarily have a proper dose

Love is....
Another person joining your path and saying "trust me with your heart, I shall be by your side to share the burden"
It is not having to do it alone, suddenly the world loses it's terrifying edge, instead becoming strikingly beautiful

They promised, my dear you cannot trust anyone
For this world is selfish, surely you know,
It is filled with evil lurking,
That feasts upon your skin and bones

Stay away from all the darkness,
For the monsters show no fear,
They will laugh at all your failures
And whisper nightmares in your ears

But a saviour came striding through the darkness,
Though I had become the monsters prey
He showed me light and love and freedom
And with him I ran away

He gives me company when I am lonely
He reads to me when I am blue
Holds me close when I am crying
Does all he can to bring me through

He shows me sunshine on the dark days
Holds my hand when I show fear
Gives me his everlasting patience
And provides a listening ear

He builds me up when I falter
Makes me strong when I feel weak
Gives me hope when I feel hopeless
And says he loves that I'm unique

He is the one I wish to be with
For every day yet to be
For he is my soulmate, my true love
And this is our destiny

You say I am enough and more,
Say I am worthy and worth it
Your love, feels at home when given to me
You say I deserve it

I can see only what the world has told me for so long,
That although I hope and dream, good enough is something I could never be
To maybe aim lower, because my broken pieces could never form success,
This mess that I am, will only ever be that…. a mess

Sometimes when you look at me,
The love in your eyes makes me feel just short of good enough,
Like I cheated somehow
You appear as a miracle in front of me,
I feel like a child playing dress up,

You whisper sweetness into my body,
I am convinced you have confused me for someone else
I feel not worthy, like I hold a secret deep within me and one day my flaws will hit you like a wrecking ball
And in that moment of realization, you will see who I truly am…. and walk away

He is an image of illness,
Feeding tube through his nose,
An IV his constant companion,
Every procedure altering his personality
His fragility terrifying, ghosts would envy his pasty complexion
His cells mutating, he is frustrated,
And I stand and watch...
And wish I could save him

If I was braver, I would tell him to stay, tell him to hold me
Because I can't bear anymore time away from him
But im not,
So I will tell him to leave